Borderline Aspie Toddler

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My son is four years old. He exhibits several symptoms of Aspergers but for the most part, he is highly functional and "normal" (for lack of a better word).
It is signs accumulating for the past two years that made me start researching and mention the possibility of Aspergers to his pediatrician. He sent us for a "Asperger's Screening Test" at a vocational and speech therapist simultaneously. After evaluating him for an hour they told me that he does "fall into the Asperger's profile" but because he has such a low degree of it and is so highly functional, that they don't recommend a formal diagnosis, only therapy.
At the moment we are still waiting for the next appointment back at the pediatrician to discuss their report and the way forward.
But in the mean time some new questions have arose in our home, especially concerning discipline.

My boy has always been headstrong, wanting things a certain way, otherwise he becomes hysterical. I always figured that is how all children are, because I don't have much to compare him to, but was then informed from several sources like his daycare, that he is especially stubborn. This is becoming a headache for us every day, because now we are unsure whether he is just being "naughty stubborn", or whether he has no control over his hysterics, because in his head that is simply how it is supposed to be to make sense of his world.

I have many examples.
-Is it normal for a toddler to scream blue murder because he wants to sleep in his shoes?
-Is it normal for him to freak out because his father temporarily parked the car on the lawn in order to do something in the garage? He would not calm down until we showed him that the car is going back where it belongs.
-One becomes highly dispirited if you have to drop your son off at kindergarden, kicking and screaming, because he could not sit where he wanted to in the car because his grandmother was riding along.

These are just situations that we have to deal with that I have no idea how to distinguish. They are not representative of the wider range of symptoms that made me suspect that he has Aspergers. I don't even know if they fall under the symptoms of Aspergers.

I also want to point out that he is a happy kid most of the time. Something like this happens more of less once or twice per week.

Can anyone relate?

At that age I appeared very much like someone with "autistic-like" behaviors. That was the word they used. I wanted everything the same, wanted to go the same routes, wanted to sleep in my shoes and clothes. Because he is very functional you say, doctors are hesitant to put a diagnoses on him because they would rather see how things go for him. They might want to keep tabs on him though. A diagnoses is only used for when the kid needs support and it's to open more doors for them to get the help they need and if your son is doing fine without support, they might not want to label him. Sometimes they just want to see how the kid develops and if he grows out of his symptoms before diagnosing him, especially if they have had a medical history. But they are still willing to help him by giving him therapy so at least you don't need a diagnoses to get therapy.

Here's somethings I recommend
Signing Time DVDS I think they are also on Netflix
The book Engaging Autism which is a floortime therapy book uses the child's own routines and interests as therapy

That kind of thing is very typical for kids on the spectrum with high rigidity issues. Things belong where they belong -- people belong in their correct places at the right times and circumstances---Things flow in a particular order and sequence. They should not be interrupted and the sequence of events should not be switched around.

When you feel out of control in a world that makes no sense, these are the things that make you feel anchored.

Do they need to learn flexibility so they can be calmer and less stressed when reality tosses it all asunder? Yes, but it takes a lot of time and effort and a lot of the feelings will remain even when they do manage to appear calmer and handle it better.

That said, it gets better over time. For us, once we figured out what we needed to do, we kept anything we had control over "the right way" and random uncontrollable events were the stretching exercises. Then when he could handle those, we could add out own changes in the mix. We would also try to gently add input into his scripts and add our own ideas to help him with reciprocity.

The more stressors there are, the more they tend to want to stick with things as they know and prefer them.

My son was diagnosed at 7 with Asperger's and he also had the behaviours that you describe here. Difficulty with transitions and with change. Once things went back to normal, he calmed down almost immediately.

I found it helpful to give him prior warning of changes to his routine, and to explain what would happen, why and for how long. So for example, with the car being parked in the "wrong place" you could try showing him what his father is doing, reassure him that when that's finished the car will go back to the "right place". If he has a favourite story - like Thomas the Tank Engine, for example, you could maybe find a story when one of the engines had to use a different line because of a landslide, but went back to his usual line when the landslide was cleared away.

And, sometimes, it is easier on everyone for the routine to remain the same if possible, so maybe even when his grandmother is in the car he still gets to sit in his usual seat. That might not be possible, but if it is, that may help.

My son is now 14 and has grown out of many, if not most, of those behaviours. What helped us was being aware of what he found hard and talking about it - before and afterwards. Also, learning to recognise when he is starting to get stressed and make adjustments to help. Over time, encourage your son to recognise and manage his own stress.