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obsessingoverobsessions
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03 Jul 2016, 6:23 am

This happens with almost everyone I talk to, they just ignore me and I don't know why. Even my family ignore me. I just want to know why, and what I can do to make them stop ignoring me.

Even when I just say hello, about half of the people I know don't even respond! I don't like repeating myself, so then if they don't answer, I'll say "have you done the maths homework yet?" or ask about what lessons they have in that day something like that, because I don't speak to anyone outside school. Then people generally just say a really short, one word answer.

If they ignore me again I'll just panic and then start talking about my special interests like "did you know that *random fact about one of my special interests*" and then they'll just walk away.

Then, with my family I feel a lot less inclined to make small talk so I'll talk about special interests or my ideas on something, and they don't seem to care, like they'll just mumble "ok" and stuff.

I don't know why people ignore me, and I really want to know how to stop them ignoring me... Any suggestions? I just need to stop feeling so lonely and unwanted. :(


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obsessingoverobsessions
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03 Jul 2016, 6:24 am

Also, does anyone else get ignored a lot?


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03 Jul 2016, 6:37 am

Way back when I was in secondary school I would play a game with myself where I would join a group of kids and see how long it would take to dissolve. I swear I was like social acid.



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03 Jul 2016, 9:43 am

I used to have a friend who was like this. I went to undergraduate school with her. I wish we had stayed friends after we graduated.

I think people are feeling awkward around you, obsessingoverobsessions. When people feel awkward, it is natural for them to get past the awkward feeling as quickly and easily as possible. They may ignore it and push on to something else, they may try to laugh it off, or they may get angry and turn it into a bullying situation. It's most common for people to ignore it when they feel awkward.

You could observe a particular group of people and try to pick out someone who seems nicer than the others. Someone who frequently takes the side of the underdog or the disadvantaged. Someone who seems concerned with animals and/or minorities.

Then take that person aside and say you have problems with small talk. Ask if they have any advice for improving your social skills or for fitting in better. People love to give advice. Just having that one sympathetic person being aware of your discomfort should encourage them to make an extra effort to include you. I hate to say that it's a trick, but it kind of is. You ask for advice and in return the person knows you're uncomfortable. They will unconsciously make an effort to help you.



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03 Jul 2016, 10:36 am

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
Even when I just say hello, about half of the people I know don't even respond!


Depending on how you say 'hello' they might not even realize you. Possibly you are quite quiet or talk in a monotone voice that doesn't easily get others' attention. Maybe they are preoccupied with other things. If they're already talking to someone and you're not one of their close friends, or if they wouldn't expect you to join the conversation due to some other reason, they mightn't realize it. Same goes for any other activity or thought that might occupy their mind. If you don't make eye-contact or obviously approach the person before saying 'hallo' and there are several people nearby there's a chance they don't realize you are speaking to them - depending on how exactly you say it and the exact situation etc. .
Alternatively, especially if it's always the same people who ignore you, it could be that some of them think you are annoying or embarrassing to be around. They might deliberately ignore you and just don't want to be your friends.
A few of them might just be shy or bad at socializing themselves. Even if those people you're talking about are NT, not every of them might be self-confident and comfortable in every situation and they can be stressed out too.

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
I don't like repeating myself, so then if they don't answer, I'll say "have you done the maths homework yet?" or ask about what lessons they have in that day something like that, because I don't speak to anyone outside school. Then people generally just say a really short, one word answer.


If they are preoccupied with other things and if you're not one of their closest friends they're eager to talk to they might find what they were attending to before you tried to start up a conversation more interesting than that conversation and thus not put any effort into keeping it going.
Depending on how you speak they also mightn't realize your attempt to start a real conversation.
If someone asked me if I did the maths homework already I'd just answer with 'yes' or 'no' too and wait for them to say anything that gives me a hint why they ask me. Do they want to copy my homework because they are unable/too lazy to do it themselves? Did they have difficulty with the homework and want to ask me a question about it? Were they too lazy to do their homework or didn't know how to and just hope for confirmation that they're not the only one? Maybe they just want someone to complain together about how much homework that was and how the teacher spoiled the whole afternoon by giving that much homework? Or are they maybe asking me because they think I mightn't have been able to do it and might need help (unlikely in my case as I'm not bad at maths)?
If someone asks me about maths homework I assume they have a reason and I wait for them to indicate what that reason might be.
-maybe what I assume when I'm asked such a question isn't representative for what goes on in others minds, as I'm not NT and don't have good social skills, but the question itself without any intentions (like copying the homework) or further tries to go on with the conversation (like complaining how hard the homework was, or rejoicing that it was surprisingly easy etc.) mightn't let people know that you're trying to start a conversation, especially if your tone of voice sounds disinterested or strange, and they mightn't know themselves what kind of reaction/reply you want. Some people might get confused or feel awkward talking to people who seem awkward - not saying you necessarily come across as that awkward in these situations, it's just one possibility.

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
If they ignore me again I'll just panic and then start talking about my special interests like "did you know that *random fact about one of my special interests*" and then they'll just walk away.


Alright, this indeed might come across as awkward - especially if your panic is obvious. It depends on what kind of special interest you have though. If it's something a lot of people are interested in or facts a lot of people might find awesome it might be less awkward than if it is something only you care about or something that is considered uncool by many people your age.
Them walking away probably indicates that they think it's annoying or embarrassing or simply have no clue how to react to it.
Generally, it mightn't work well to start a conversation about a topic with someone they don't know anything about or don't care about. If it's a random fact about such a topic there really isn't much they could say in reply.
"Um, that's awesome." or "No, I didn't know that." is probably all they could reply and that wouldn't start a conversation. Alternatively they could of course throw another random unrelated fact at you about some topic that interests them if they're spontaneous
enough to do so, but this might turn into a really unnatural conversation.


obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
Then, with my family I feel a lot less inclined to make small talk so I'll talk about special interests or my ideas on something, and they don't seem to care, like they'll just mumble "ok" and stuff.


Likely they just don't have the same interests as you and, depending on what your interests are, they might know very little about them. If they don't know anything about these topics they can't contribute much to a conversation. At best they could ask you questions, but with some topics even this is difficult without at least a little bit of knowledge.
Some people would sometimes put more effort into pretending to care but there's probably nothing that can be done about their disinterest. Depending on what kind of people your family are and what kind of interest you and them have you could see if you can find something that's still interesting enough for you but also interesting enough for them or that they know enough about (depending on if lack of interest or lack of knowledge is the main reason why no proper conversation starts). If you are not absolutely disinterested in small talk with them you could also try how the 'how was your day' conversations go or tell them something about what you've been doing that is not directly related to your special interests - again, depending on what kind of people they are and your relationship to them, but it'd likely be possible.

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
I don't know why people ignore me, and I really want to know how to stop them ignoring me... Any suggestions? I just need to stop feeling so lonely and unwanted. :(


I'm probably not the best at giving advice as I don't have good social skills myself - though shyness has often been a much bigger problem for me than other awkwardness - and what I wrote above is merely what I assume could be going on and not things I know for a fact.
Depending on how normal your interests are for people your age you probably don't have good chances of starting a conversation about them with your peers especially if it's with a person who already ignored you when you talked about your interests in the past.
I'd assume that starting a small talk conversation with the questions you gave as an example above could work if you don't panic as soon as they give only an one word answer. Instead think about what you could reply to the most likely one word answers before asking your question if you can't do it spontaneously.
"Have you done the maths homework yet?"
"No"
"Me neither. It's way more difficult this time than usually, don't you think so." or "Me neither, I've been too busy." or "I have. I could help you if you want." (if the other person is not good at maths and doesn't usually get help by other people and if they're the kind of person who wants help and is not just lazy etc.) or "I've just done it. It's not too difficult." etc. - depending on the situation; no need to make something up.
You might get a reply and maybe it's more than just one word.
If the other person keeps giving one word replies after you tried to keep the conversation going for several sentences or if the other person seems absolutely disinterested or annoyed it's probably better to stop though. Not everyone will want to talk to you and also not all NTs like every kind of small talk - and they might just be too busy right at that moment.
You likely won't manage to be perfect at it immediately. Just start with thinking about one more sentence you can reply to their one word answer before you start the conversation and see where it goes from there.

For more meaningful conversations about your interests you will have to find people whose interests are at least a bit similar to yours and for more personal conversations you will need people you're completely comfortable with.

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
Also, does anyone else get ignored a lot?

Yes and no. For most of my life I've been too shy to try to initiate any interactions thus I of course didn't get to talk to people a lot.



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03 Jul 2016, 10:41 am

If you want people to be interested in you, then you must first be interesting to them.



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03 Jul 2016, 11:02 am

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
This happens with almost everyone I talk to, they just ignore me and I don't know why. Even my family ignore me. I just want to know why, and what I can do to make them stop ignoring me.

Even when I just say hello, about half of the people I know don't even respond! I don't like repeating myself, so then if they don't answer, I'll say "have you done the maths homework yet?" or ask about what lessons they have in that day something like that, because I don't speak to anyone outside school. Then people generally just say a really short, one word answer.

If they ignore me again I'll just panic and then start talking about my special interests like "did you know that *random fact about one of my special interests*" and then they'll just walk away.

Then, with my family I feel a lot less inclined to make small talk so I'll talk about special interests or my ideas on something, and they don't seem to care, like they'll just mumble "ok" and stuff.

I don't know why people ignore me, and I really want to know how to stop them ignoring me... Any suggestions? I just need to stop feeling so lonely and unwanted. :(



I know exactly what you mean. It's like for example you try to enter in a Social Group and all of a sudden people either ignore you or perhaps step in front of you forming a 'bubble' and slowly you are pushed out of the social group.

Due to the Mind Blindness we suffer we fail to read other people as naturally as others read us. When a person goes deaf at first they speak loudly whether we know this or not to talk we hear our voice so we know which tone to give out. It's an unconscious way of communication we all have and when we lose our hearing we often talk loud and are not able to properly vocalize words as hearing is a huge part of being able to speak.

Autistic people lack a crucial part of communication that people have but are completely obvious to. Most people when dealing with Autistic people even if that Autistic Person is able to 'act' the part as 'normal' slowly people realize something is different or wrong about that person. They can't put their hand on it they just know something is off or feel uncomfortable and naturally people shut out the people who make them feel uncomfortable.

Social Groups of humans are very complex like Dogs and Wolves. Dogs have a complex social structure like us you have your Alpha, and an Omega in the Pack is often the outsider. The one the other dogs in the pack blame from all the packs problems and will pick on and haze the Omega.



Magi
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03 Jul 2016, 11:36 am

They dont respect you because you dont drive a range rover and talk about the weather and watch the news.



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03 Jul 2016, 12:20 pm

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
This happens with almost everyone I talk to, they just ignore me and I don't know why. Even my family ignore me. I just want to know why, and what I can do to make them stop ignoring me.

Even when I just say hello, about half of the people I know don't even respond! I don't like repeating myself, so then if they don't answer, I'll say "have you done the maths homework yet?" or ask about what lessons they have in that day something like that, because I don't speak to anyone outside school. Then people generally just say a really short, one word answer.

If they ignore me again I'll just panic and then start talking about my special interests like "did you know that *random fact about one of my special interests*" and then they'll just walk away.

Then, with my family I feel a lot less inclined to make small talk so I'll talk about special interests or my ideas on something, and they don't seem to care, like they'll just mumble "ok" and stuff.

I don't know why people ignore me, and I really want to know how to stop them ignoring me... Any suggestions? I just need to stop feeling so lonely and unwanted. :(


That panic response of your's of talking about random facts relating to your special interests is TOXIC- absolute short cut to achieving social leper status-right there. Don't do that anymore.

You need a lot of coaching - that folks online who cant observe you in person- cant do.

But for starters I do suggest one thing: when you are with a crowd- do more listening than talking. See what the crowd is yapping about to get the feel for what kinda stuff is socially acceptable to yack about with that particular bunch at that particular moment, and then try to dive in on that topic as best you can.



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03 Jul 2016, 12:41 pm

naturalplastic wrote:
obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
This happens with almost everyone I talk to, they just ignore me and I don't know why. Even my family ignore me. I just want to know why, and what I can do to make them stop ignoring me.

Even when I just say hello, about half of the people I know don't even respond! I don't like repeating myself, so then if they don't answer, I'll say "have you done the maths homework yet?" or ask about what lessons they have in that day something like that, because I don't speak to anyone outside school. Then people generally just say a really short, one word answer.

If they ignore me again I'll just panic and then start talking about my special interests like "did you know that *random fact about one of my special interests*" and then they'll just walk away.

Then, with my family I feel a lot less inclined to make small talk so I'll talk about special interests or my ideas on something, and they don't seem to care, like they'll just mumble "ok" and stuff.

I don't know why people ignore me, and I really want to know how to stop them ignoring me... Any suggestions? I just need to stop feeling so lonely and unwanted. :(


That panic response of your's of talking about random facts relating to your special interests is TOXIC- absolute short cut to achieving social leper status-right there. Don't do that anymore.

You need a lot of coaching - that folks online who cant observe you in person- cant do.

But for starters I do suggest one thing: when you are with a crowd- do more listening than talking. See what the crowd is yapping about to get the feel for what kinda stuff is socially acceptable to yack about with that particular bunch at that particular moment, and then try to dive in on that topic as best you can.


Best advice I seen thus far.



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03 Jul 2016, 2:19 pm

I get ignored a lot, except my family.

This happens especially when I am trying to join a conversation. I open my mouth to say something and I get half a word out and someone else talks or they say nothing. So I have just given up on this kind of interaction.

I'm wondering why I get ignored a lot because I don't have special interests, and only talk about what the other person is interested in. I only join conversations if I am interested in what they are talking about.

For example:

Coworker 1: The only food my cat likes is beef

Coworker 2: Yeah mine too pretty much, except she likes cheese as well

Me: M-

Coworker 1: She will eat cheese but she doesn't like it

OR

Classmate 1: Wasn't that test hard?

Classmate 2: Yeah, but not as hard as the first test

Me: Yeah, the first test was really hard

*Silence*

A few seconds later:

Classmate 1 (facing the classmate 2): I agree, the first test was the hardest

I guess I'm just off-putting.


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asp159
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04 Jul 2016, 8:52 pm

ocdgirl123 wrote:
I get ignored a lot, except my family.

This happens especially when I am trying to join a conversation. I open my mouth to say something and I get half a word out and someone else talks or they say nothing. So I have just given up on this kind of interaction.

I'm wondering why I get ignored a lot because I don't have special interests, and only talk about what the other person is interested in. I only join conversations if I am interested in what they are talking about.

For example:

Coworker 1: The only food my cat likes is beef

Coworker 2: Yeah mine too pretty much, except she likes cheese as well

Me: M-

Coworker 1: She will eat cheese but she doesn't like it

OR

Classmate 1: Wasn't that test hard?

Classmate 2: Yeah, but not as hard as the first test

Me: Yeah, the first test was really hard

*Silence*

A few seconds later:

Classmate 1 (facing the classmate 2): I agree, the first test was the hardest

I guess I'm just off-putting.



I can so relate to this lol. I really don't understand why we're still invisible if we're actively trying to talk about their subject. Personally I can only talk to one person at once, if i'm trying to talk with 2 or more people I'm f**d, Just don't know when to speak and the others seem like they're getting all the attention. It's why all through school I had absolutely no friends and when I startled college I had one, because he spoke to me directly.



north404
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04 Jul 2016, 11:33 pm

ocdgirl123 wrote:
Classmate 1: Wasn't that test hard?

Classmate 2: Yeah, but not as hard as the first test

Me: Yeah, the first test was really hard

*Silence*

A few seconds later:

Classmate 1 (facing the classmate 2): I agree, the first test was the hardest

I guess I'm just off-putting.


That happens to me often too. In fact, that exact scenario had happened to me recently lol. I was waiting outside the classroom door for the professor to unlock and 2 other classmates were also waiting. They started talking about the exams and occasionally I noticed one of them glancing at me, which results in me looking at my phone (they were on their phones too btw) while listening to the conversation - just because I felt uncomfortable. Eventually I'd contribute to the conversation too, like you said, and then it'd be dead silence & the person that was glancing at me just glances again like they didn't understand me, even though I joined in pretty smoothly (imo), spoke fine and my voice was clear. And then the 2 would continue to talk to eachother.

I should mention that these were 2 students that weren't really acquainted at all before. Our class was split in half, one meeting on this day and the other on that day. The person glancing at me was in the same section as my half. So on this particular day, when both halves met, these 2 students who are "strangers' were having a casual conversation, and when I joined in - for whatever reason - it was just awkward.



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05 Jul 2016, 12:03 am

I sometimes get ignored by others too. There's also some people that treat me differently than other people. If they are greeting me they act depressed and indifferent like they feel sorry for me or see me as less than. It gets frustrating when so many people seem to feel sorry for me, but I try to just ignore them and keep my distance.



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05 Jul 2016, 12:15 am

asp159 wrote:
Personally I can only talk to one person at once, if i'm trying to talk with 2 or more people I'm f**d, Just don't know when to speak and the others seem like they're getting all the attention.


Yeah I'm the same. I feel like if I get some one-on-one I can carry a decent conversation but as soon as there's anyone else I'm lost. I can never time anything right. I'm either speaking over someone or staying completely silent waiting for a chance to speak. Then half the time I regret opening my mouth in the first place because they misunderstand me and I need to explain further and get completely frazzled.



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05 Jul 2016, 5:15 am

obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
If they ignore me again I'll just panic and then start talking about my special interests like "did you know that *random fact about one of my special interests*" and then they'll just walk away.

Then, with my family I feel a lot less inclined to make small talk so I'll talk about special interests or my ideas on something, and they don't seem to care, like they'll just mumble "ok" and stuff.

My Family does this to, but I know they aren't listing, but I like to ramble about pokemon, etc. Or well really whatever comes to mine. So, you might not want to hear this, but They probably aren't listening to you. When 'normal' people do this, I think it means they don't want to talk to you anymore. Though don't quote me on that I'm not a expert.
obsessingoverobsessions wrote:
I don't know why people ignore me, and I really want to know how to stop them ignoring me... Any suggestions? I just need to stop feeling so lonely and unwanted. :(
Well, First off you might want to ask questions that might intrigue them. (Cool I spelled that word right first try) For, Example if you see something they're wearing (Assuming you know what it is) You can ask them about it, and Your almost certain to get a response, people tend to respond to that like that. So It isn't you it's just that people ask that question alot. I hope that awnsers your questoins though, on the "They don't want to talk to you anymore" that is a theory.


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