Why would my friend say that? (about finding a partner)

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This thread kind of picks up where this one leaves off: Why did my friend refuse to tell me how he picked up girls?. He's the one who was the alpha of alphas when it came to guys. He had 4 FWB's he had sex with regularly, plus hordes of other girls who were lining up to have sex with him. Throughout college, he's had around 20 regular sex partners.

So, after I realized that he wasn't going to tell me anything, even though I begged him and offered to pay him for the information, I decided to take matters into my own hands. That was before paying for "something else" even entered my mind. I joined casual sex dating sites, and started sending message after message. It was tedious, repetitive, and frustrating. But lo and behold! Four months and 500 messages later, I had my willing partner. It was a woman who said she was 28 (I was 22), same race as me, and pretty cute in her pictures. She even sent me a few explicit ones (in lingerie), and didn't ask for mine (in boxers?) in return; the most I sent to her was me in swim trunks at the beach.

Needless to say, I was elated. Imagine: I, an ugly loser, was finally going get rid my virginity. With someone actually attractive. We planned to grab a quick drink, then walk a few blocks to her condominium. (She didn't want to give me her home address right away, and asked me to meet her in a bar instead; totally fair.) For days before the date, I was a mess. Couldn't focus at work. Could barely drive. Had to exert effort just to eat my meals. You gotta understand: when something that's been denied to you for many years, is suddenly given to you, it will affect you pretty bad.

The day finally arrived. When I started driving over, and called the woman, she didn't pick up. I called when I arrived at the bar, she didn't pick up. I texted, she didn't respond. I waited for an hour in the bar's parking lot, until I gave up and went home. Next day, I met up with my friend for a late lunch to tell him what happened. His only response was: "Maybe it's a good thing that she rejected you. Maybe it's universe's way of saying you need to find a loving girlfriend and not casual sex." My reaction was: .

WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT? He knew damn well that I wanted to lose my virginity, first and foremost. Not to mention he had 4 FWB's and hordes of other girls lining up to have sex with him. So him saying that sounded more hypocritical than a rabbi talking about how bacon tastes. After some arguing back and forth, I got angry at him and stormed off. We talked on the phone a week later, where we both said sorry. We continued hanging out, although this incident put a small dent in the friendship. We later stopped being friends, due to him doing something involving a credit card.

After a month or so, when I cooled off from this brutal rejection, I threw in the towel, found an escort online, lost my virginity to her, and the rest is history.

So, why would my friend say that? Why would he think it's a good thing to say? Was he trying to reconcile the human desire to be a good friend and be helpful, with an evolutionary instinct to keep himself alpha and me beta?

P.S.: You know what's really ironic? The bus hub by the city airport, that I now occasionally use in my escort habit, for switching buses or requesting Uber, is down the street from what I think that woman's building was.

Hi, I'm going to guess, since it is hard to say for sure, but it sounds to me like Jealousy. Perhaps he didn't want any competition. Maybe he thought that if you knew what he knew about how to get women, that you would take away his prospects. This is just my guess.

Jealousy sort of makes sense. If I found a "loving girlfriend", that he so unhelpfully suggested (because he knew all I wanted was sex), then I'd stop pursuing all the girls that he considers to be his prospects. Sure, I'd be taking one specific girl off the market, although given how hideous-looking I was back then, it'd probably be someone he wouldn't want.

It also explains why he was so happy for me when I told him I offloaded my virginity onto an escort. After all, I was no longer competing with him for the same girls.

My guess is that because of how nervous you were beforehand he thought you would constantly be nervous about it. Or he could just be a douche bag who enjoys putting people down. If he's that much of a player I doubt he saw you as competition. Your asking, begging, and offering to pay for the pick up info probably stroked his ego and he didn't like the idea of you becoming more of an equal could have rubbed him the wrong way and he made the comment to keep you in "your place" that he wanted you to be in his mind. Some folks like to have friends who aren't as successful in some areas as they are because they have low self esteem (even though they act arrogant) and they don't like it when their "friends" catch up with them. That's what it sounds like to me. Real friends want you to succeed in what you try to do, this guy sounded like he hung out with you just to feel good about himself. Really secure people don't care if their friends are better than them at certain things.

You know what's ironic? If that casual sex woman (the "free" one who lives near the bus hub) hasn't stood me up, I'd probably have never jumped on the escort bandwagon. Especially considering that it took me 4 months and 500 messages just to find someone who agreed to meet me for sex. I'd probably have met her at that bar, walked with her to her condo, lost my virginity to her, calmed down, then moved on to "finding a loving girlfriend" like my friend said.

Speaking of which, his statement was probably due to stupid negligence: You do not tell a virgin who just got sex yanked away from him, after he spent 4 months looking for it and almost got it, to "find a loving girlfriend". It's like saying "maybe you should earn money by working at Starbucks" to someone who lost $5,000 in gambling. Or the known joke: "Help me, I'm homeless, and I haven't eaten in three days. / Wow, I wish I had your willpower."

Plus, I didn't hold romantic relationships in high regard even back then; I was just willing to get into one because I felt casual sex was beyond my ability. Keeping me in my place was just an added bonus for him, I presume. It's probably why he felt entitled to steal my credit card number, which I don't want to talk about.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 14 Jul 2016, 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.

Oh, he's probably screwed his share of hookers. Guys who are just big windbags like this guy sounds like he is, and who are so selfish as to steal from a friend wouldn't ever think they should have to take matters into their own hands when they are horny. He would hire a hooker and lie about it before doing it himself. He would also probably convince himself that she was REALLY into him and would have done it for free. I bet he's even got a story about a hooker who decided not to charge him after having the best sex of her life with him. Ask him sometimes, I bet you he will tell you thats happened to him lol. Thats a pretty common lie for guys with that attitude.

You never did read my post to you about that guy I dated did you? This is off topic but it's on this one other thread. I think it was the one about people thinking bad about virgins or something. I don't know why I wanted to tell you about him so much. You and I don't talk really, but for some reason it feels like you would actually understand how I felt in that situation more than anybody else here I've talked to would. Go find it please and read it. It's in that thread and was just a couple or three months ago. I doubt I've posted to you many times in that time frame so it should be easy to find where we intersect.

Anyway, the guy sounds like a horses ass and he said it to be dismissive and build himself up in his own eyes it sounds like. I wouldn't worry about anything that comes out of his mouth.

Yeah, there's that and you're useful to him as a beta male. When you're around him all the girls will remain attracted to him. Him teaching you how to be alpha is very counterproductive to his bubble of womanising.

Frankly you can make better friends.
I have had friends like this, using me as the prop to their act.

I read your posts about virgins and the guy (link). The cupcake analogy is brilliant, albeit not very encouraging. That's why I was so focused on losing my virginity before even thinking about a "loving girlfriend". Not to mention a "loving girlfriend" would stop being loving once she found out I'm a virgin. I've had "free" relationships later on, which I was able to find specifically because that monkey was off my back.

My thoughts exactly. He also found me useful as a chauffeur, which I kept falling for. Until one day, when he asked me to drive him for 100 miles each way to see a girl he met on Facebook. (Back then, open to college students only.) Even though there was an Amtrak line with a stop in her town, he didn't want to take it because "he's never ridden Amtrak before". I refused, and hold him to stop being a baby. He later sweet-talked her into driving instead; she spent the night.

Your friend sounds like kind of a dick, but he's not exactly wrong. Every straight man wants to lose his virginity to a beautiful woman, but not every man is meant to spend his life chasing tail. If you focus on what you need in life, you may find that what you wanted (pleasure? validation? respite from feelings of loneliness?) wasn't actually that important.


Ahahaha! So true, that is such a typical "alpha male" fantasy. It seems to happen all the time in spy movies, old westerns, etc.

I mean, that's such nonsense. Sex work is work. Whores have bills to pay, ain't no one gettin' a free ride.

It's possible to find a loving girlfriend when you're a virgin. Lots of people lose their virginity to their first serious boyfriend or girlfriend. Sometimes it works out long term but thats not as common. My oldest daughter who is 22 has been dating her fiance since she was 13. They didn't have sex for a couple years until they were both ready but they met because he's my oldest son's best friend and he's about three years older than her. She had a crush on him from the time she started liking boys and when she hit puberty and became a "real girl" instead of the annoying kid sister of his best friend, he started liking her. They started talking and being boyfriend/girlfriend then and fell in love like a real fairy tale. They are still together, and it's been nine years. He's been living here with her in their own sort of garage apartment since she was 16. They are moving out next month and I'm so sad, but I'm also very excited for them.

They are actually perfect for each other and perfect together. They rarely fight are a beautiful couple and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom. Everybody says so. I'll send you a photo in PM if you want. She's 5-4 and a size 4 with long blonde hair and green eyes and he's 6-3 and athletic build and has blonde hair and blue eyes. They like the same things are are both very mature, level headed and settled. They both lucked out incredibly and that kind of thing rarely happens but this is the kind of romance that every girl dreams of. And yes they were each others first and she talked to me about it before they did anything and we got her birth control. You don't see many couples that age together like that for that long, and rarely without breaking up at some point and getting back together again, but they haven't ever had a major fight even (knock on wood I hope I don't jinx them lol).

When I first had sex I would have liked to have had a boyfriend but I didn't have one. Everybody else was doing it and I was damned and determined I was going to as well and so I did with a good friend. I started dating my first real boyfriend later that year though, if that counts for anything and I was his first and he was three years older than me and that didn't bother me at all. We thought it was gonna be forever, like my daughter and her fiance are, but I wanted to do things and have experiences and run a little wild before I settled down and he didnt and was ready to get married and kick off his shoes and watch tv, so it just lasted a couple years.

I think guys look at it differently about wanting a nice loving bf/gf than girls do at that age. I think for the most part guys just want the sex and don't care if it's with a gf or not and girls just want the bf and dont care if there is sex or not. That is just based on my experience and what I've heard friends say and such. I didn't want the sex so much as I wanted to have done it because everyone else had. I wasn't all geared up for the experience itself, I was geared up for not being a virgin. That's good though because we were both virgins and didn't know what the hell we were doing lol.

That is such a sweet story OliveOil, and I'm happy for your daughter and her fiance. Romances between childhood friends tend to not work out so well most of the time, but it's just beautiful when they do.

@op: all those elements of how he treated you, that's his "secret" right there. essentially: being a dismissive jerk with a thin veneer of good-guy-with-good-intentions, and doing whatever it takes to keep his insecurities hidden and buried (keeping people around to be dismissive with, for one thing, gives a quick and easy fix for recurring self-doubt). trust me, that guy is not happy with his life. living like that is like swimming all the time. "if you take a moment to breathe, you drown. keep swimming"

Just want to add something. Back then, I viewed finding casual sex as equivalent to winning first place among top athletes (or even mathletes). "Finding a loving girlfriend" in my mind, was equivalent to an honorable mention at the absolute most. So it felt like having a quarter tossed my way after failing to win the gold medal.

Plus, I thought that a "loving girlfriend", who might not come for another 10 years, for all I knew, and after that, will make me wait yet again for additional 3 month to 1 year. Not a very inviting proposition, is it? That's why I got so upset when he even mentioned the idea. Plus, like other people said, he could have been trying to raise his own status, while making it look like he was being helpful.

If I were him, I'd say something like: "It sucks that it happened. She's a [insert pejorative term] for doing that. I'm sorry. I don't know what to suggest to you." Oh, and "get back out there" and "keep trying" are no good, because I already sent out 500 messages to find that woman.

Oh, and my first "free" sexual encounter happened a little under 2 years after that. The wait time was less than 1 month after our first date. It was kind of a let-down, but hey.

about virginity and stuff, i only had sex for the first time about a year ago. when it happened, i was happy that it was with a girl i really liked and that i wasn't doing it to meet anyone's expectations (i don't even have any social circle at this point in my life anyway, which for the most part i see as a good thing). i started talking to her because of shared mental-health interests, and she was attracted to me specifically because i just said what i thought and i didn't try to flirt or impress her even though she was very attractive. we had been in touch online for two and a half years when we finally got the chance to meet in person (we're from different countries)

i was most definitely eager to have sex, but i knew she had reasons to be conflicted about it, and i told her i was totally okay with getting comfortable with each other first and just "letting it happen" (she hadn't had sex before either). she said she'd rather do it right away instead, "to break the ice", and of course i agreed and thought to myself "awesome! ". i was in love with her, and sex made me feel even more in love with her. it was great. ironically though, it only broke the ice for sex itself, nothing else. i was comfortable enough with her after a few days, but she was only comfortable with me in the bedroom, and a nervous wreck in most other situations, no matter how trivial. alcohol + weed + sex = problems are gone. until the next morning. rinse and repeat

if there was any foundation for a lasting relationship there, the convenience of sex helped erase it. it was good as life experience, but i wouldn't want to repeat it. in a similar situation, i would trust that initial instinct instead: comfortable with each other first, sex later

sexuality is the kind of thing that makes you believe irrational things and build unrealistic expectations. which is not even necessarily a social effect, it's the basic mechanism of how it works. the human brain is wired to believe sex is something better and more important than it is in practice, something inherently pleasant and desirable in and of itself, all else be damned. because no babies would be made if people approached it rationally

First off, the guy may well be exaggerating about his conquests, guys of that type often do. I can't see many women wanting to have that kind of a relationship with a guy knowing he is also having it with 19 others.

Secondly, women don't use those casual sex sites because women aren't generally into that. If they did want casual sex they could go to any bar and get it, so why take the risks of using an internet site? When that Wesley Maddison site got hacked about 95% of accounts were men, very few women and of the women most were fake accounts set up by the company, and of the real accounts almost none revisited the site after initially signing up, eg they were just curious. So it was a massive group of horndog men paying money thinking it would get them sex on tap, falling into the most classic of all mistakes – thinking that women think like they do. So that woman you contacted was probably a man just fooling around.

Thirdly, why did he make those comments? He is probably aware of the above and is telling you that if you can't get casual sex on your own in the real world then just don't bother trying. If you can't go to a bar and pick up a girl for casual sex then casual sex isn't for you, cos that's the only way you'll get it. No-one gets it on the internet (please don't anyone post a proof-by-example fallacy). Instead spend your time getting to know a girl and connect with her so that she'll want to have sex with you from an emotional connection\bond, and stop aiming for casual sex as you'll only get that if a girl is interested in your physically and\or you have the confidence\charm etc. That is also why he hasn't bothered "teaching you", if there was really a trick don't you think all guys would be doing it? He is probably just a better person socially and physically than you are. I know that's kinda harsh, I don't mean to be rude, I'm just telling you how it is as you asked. I'm in the same boat, I'm no Adonis myself and casual sex isn't really on my radar because I know it is out of my reach, so I do exactly what your friend suggested and concentrate on "proper" relationships instead. Maybe he is a bit of a douche but there's a lot of wisdom in his words.

i have this habit of mine of getting all philosophical and all, but, well, yeah, there's that