Do aspie women not use their feminine wiles like NT women?

Page 2 of 2 [ 32 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2

Kate4432kate4432
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 22 Jul 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 20
Location: Canada

24 Jul 2016, 6:34 pm

Sometimes at work, If I am in trouble with my boss and he yells at me I get very mad, which invokes the angry crying response; which my boss then incorrectly assumes is some sort of apology and he inevitably lets me off easier than my male counterparts. I can’t say that I ever correct him in his assumption.
Sometimes, also, if I act out in an informal meeting at work with “passionate” language and a raised voice (which I do when I feel the need to voice my opinion and no one is listening), I then state that I am ovulating and all is forgiven. I know doing so is wrong, and that I am likely contributing to the misrepresentation of women in business, however, I am not lying when I say this, as usually I can control my outbursts, but when I am in that part of my cycle I become increasingly unpredictable.
I have also learned to manipulate men into doing manual labour for me, by feigning weakness.
I fail, epically when I try to “bat my eyes” and play dumb to get out of tickets or to get a free drink. I have never been very good at flirting, especially with men; it is just so fake and mechanical that I think they see right through it.



katnipp
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jun 2016
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 11

26 Jul 2016, 1:27 pm

I don't think I know how to flirt so I've never "charmed" men. My NT female friend informed me to "just play dumb, guys like that" but that seems silly to me, why not show a guy how smart you are? Most of the times when I've approached guys I end up saying something stupid or going full-aspie :oops: Full-aspie of course being when I approach the guy with a Ferrari to ask about the engine specs (my NT friend rolled her eyes at me) or talk for 20-minutes about airplanes with a guy at a party (more eye rolling from NT friend).

But I've been when the same guy forever so maybe I just never learned how to flirt because I didn't have to?



yourkiddingme3
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 11 May 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 127
Location: New Jersey

26 Jul 2016, 1:58 pm

I never used my feminine charms to get what I wanted, back when I had feminine charms (sigh, even my adult kids say I used to be a fox), but I was often accused of it. I was even called, on occasion, a "prick-tease," which offended and distressed me extremely.

Now that I've been diagnosed, I understand that NT males may have been assuming that whatever I obliviously said or did, in complete innocence of any sexual component, was meant as some kind of sexual "signal" (probably because if an NT said or did what I did, it would have had a sexual subtext). When I failed to follow through on these apparent (but unwitting) sexual invitations, I was a "flirt" or worse.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 71,140
Location: Queens, NYC

26 Jul 2016, 4:36 pm

I hope I never hear about women acting "dumb" to flirt with a man.

That's so ridiculous!

I want a woman to flirt with me using Intelligence :D



YippySkippy
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Feb 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,986

26 Jul 2016, 8:21 pm

When you're young and attractive, men assume you're flirting with them when you're just being friendly and polite. That's the so-called "feminine wiles". When you're less attractive, suddenly the same behavior is seen for what it is.



friedmacguffins
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,539

26 Jul 2016, 8:26 pm

It's just femininity.

When I see literature and other media, from before the era of women's lib, they were expected to flatter you and be attractive, particularly, if they were being promiscuous.

I frankly don't believe they are expected to make the same amount of effort, anymore.



spinningpixie
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 8 Aug 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 55

28 Jul 2016, 9:42 am

To me, "feminine wiles" just sounds like manipulation. I wouldn't like that. I'm not really good with subtlety so I doubt I would be really good at it. I've been married for a very long time and when I flirt with my husband, I still announce it. I'll lean against him and say, "I'm flirting with you." :)



willissobored
Hummingbird
Hummingbird

Joined: 28 Jul 2016
Gender: Male
Posts: 21

28 Jul 2016, 9:52 am

girls turn on the charm all the time. it is super obvious

i knew a pretty girl on the spectrum who use to do it



League_Girl
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 24,632
Location: Pacific Northwest

29 Jul 2016, 12:11 am

I never did it intentionally. I am not sure if that still counts as a feminine wile. It's sounding like in this thread it means done with intention until someone mentioned they never took advantage of it. I have had men pay for me and offered. I never did anything to make them pay for me. Then I met my husband and I would get mad at him when he wanted to buy everything for me. It just made me feel like I was taking advantage of him and being cheap. I had money and a job so I had no reason to not ever buy my own things nor ever pay my share of our dates.

I am not sure if this still counts but when I turned 21 I decided to try dressing like an adult so I would attract guys. I wanted them to talk to me and ask me out so I would find a boyfriend and then husband. That didn't work. Many of them still didn't talk to me but when I was down in Mexico with my family, we were eating at a restaurant and this waiter who worked there started talking to me because I was just sitting there playing my game than chatting with everyone at the table and my dessert comes and he feeds it to me instead. He never asked for my number. He was too long distance anyway. That part was unintentional because I wasn't trying to get the waiter's attention nor was I trying to get him to feed me like I was a little baby.

I have been accused of flirting by my husband and on here by a member. My mom said the opposite though because she told me I wasn't flirting when I described my actions to her. So I guess flirting is only what the person decides. If someone says you are flirting, then you are. Everyone has their own decision about what is flirting. So does that mean if a guy asks me where Walgreens is. can I assume he is flirting with me? I get to decide right?


_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 71,140
Location: Queens, NYC

29 Jul 2016, 8:07 am

If you don't have the intention to use feminine wiles, you're not using feminine wiles, in my opinion.

Sometimes, feminine wiles are used for manipulative purposes--but not always in a negative sense. Sometimes, they serve to calm down an angry man, so that the man doesn't do something stupid.

I think it would be funny if some woman rubbed up against me, and stated that she was flirting with me. I'd just laugh (and feel sort of good inside :D )



Eloquaint
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2013
Age: 48
Gender: Female
Posts: 136
Location: American tundra

03 Sep 2016, 5:27 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
A woman can use her charm, and her pleasing manner to persuade. Men can't really do that.


That's ridiculous. Men do it all the time. It's just that when men do it, it's called "talking someone in to something," and there's no stigma attached to it.


_________________
The iguana in a room full of rabbits.


friedmacguffins
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,539

03 Sep 2016, 5:42 pm

In nature, if you were to see an outlandish, sexual display, noone would speculate that one animal is brainwashing the other animal.

I take a straightforward approach to physical attraction.

Prostitutes and promiscuous women were supposed to be ostentatious. It was a signal.

Now, women aren't giving the signals, or they are mixed signals, when being too serious or even stern. You are sending a negative signal, then questioning the natural result of it.

I don't believe that a dog, lizard, or some beetle would have patience for that. So, why shouldn't the human suitor have more dignity.



wilburforce
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2014
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,940

03 Sep 2016, 5:53 pm

Eloquaint wrote:
kraftiekortie wrote:
A woman can use her charm, and her pleasing manner to persuade. Men can't really do that.


That's ridiculous. Men do it all the time. It's just that when men do it, it's called "talking someone in to something," and there's no stigma attached to it.


Men can't be attractive and charming and use that to smooth over social interactions and persuade people. Yeah, that never happens. Only women (NT women, apparently?) have that power. :lol:

ETA: One of the lead characters from the TV show Halt & Catch Fire called Joe (played by Lee Pace) is proof positive that men absolutely CANNOT be charming and handsome and never use that to their advantage to get people to do things they want. :wink:


_________________
"Ego non immanis, sed mea immanis telum." ~ Ares, God of War

(Note to Moderators: my warning number is wrong on my profile but apparently can't be fixed so I will note here that it is actually 2, not 3--the warning issued to me on Aug 20 2016 was a mistake but I've been told it can't be removed.)


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 71,140
Location: Queens, NYC

03 Sep 2016, 6:43 pm

Men use other methods to "get what they want."

This might involve being chivalrous to women.

Sometimes, this even succeeds. :wink:

I don't find "feminine wiles" to have a stigma attached to it, usually.

I am delighted when women flirt with me.



Jaylynna
Butterfly
Butterfly

Joined: 9 Sep 2016
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 15

10 Sep 2016, 1:14 am

Well, every Aspie woman is different, but for me I would say that I would feel incredibly guilty using feminine wiles to get my way. So no, I don't use them. I've never even cried to get out of a ticket, but somehow have gotten let off easy anyways.

As for flirting, I am of the type who is hyper-sexual, so flirting is something I do (and do well) when I've been drinking.

I find that in normal, everyday life I tend to get along so much better with NT men than NT women, so my intense interest in conversations with men have been misinterpreted as flirting. But the fact is, when I am genuinely sexually attracted to a man I become so awkward that it essentially scares the subject of my attraction away. So, the only ways in which I have ever been successful in finding a sexual partner (or even a boyfriend, for that matter!) was in a context where I, and everyone else, is drinking (so men don't notice my social hangups), or through online "friends with benefits" setups, where there is no need for a suave buildup (there's no pretense: both parties know what they are there for). In fact, every boyfriend I've had has started off as a FWB setup, and the guys end up wanting something more (maybe because once we've gotten to pillow talk, having totally ditched the awkward and contrived first stages, they realize I'm not like most girls and that's what they like about me).

I think flirting and wiles are different, anywho. Wiles to me denotes manipulation, whereas flirting just conveys interest.


_________________
My momma told me I could be anything I set my mind to, so I became a recluse


friedmacguffins
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,539

10 Sep 2016, 12:48 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
... being chivalrous to women.


I think showing common courtesy is just that. You might treat someone like an everyday, ordinary, human being, just to be practical or to show that you're not menacing.

Women think it's a show of interest.

If you elevate them, they think it's a show of subservience.

And, when they're interested, they're so self-deprecating, so masochistic and neurotic, that they'll willingly wreck themselves for your attention. (I've seen them lying about liking spicy things, weird sexual stuff, if they think I want that, and talking suicide. 8O 8O 8O )

I frankly had no problem with courtly love, like you might see in some Disney movie or fairytale, but people don't really act that way.

It's always along the lines of absolute submission or absolute dominance.

Like I said, altruism would have been adequate, like where you give someone flowers, offer your coat, or not let the door slam on someone. I'm getting an attitude like that's too corny, anachronistic, or forced. They are somewhat comfortable with being used, if not the dominant party.