*HELP* need advice from male Aspies

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rdos
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24 Jul 2016, 4:43 am

flywithme wrote:
Apparently, Aspies can just cut away people they are attached to and move on without being too upset about it? Even overnight? That is very traumatizing to hear....


That's too simplistic. You cannot have failed to read about Aspies / NDs that cannot let go, and that needs years to move on, can you? The issue is not if NDs can just cut away, the issue is the difference in the attachment process. While you apparently attached to him when you had sex, some (maybe even a lot) of NDs will not attach this way, so having sex has no importance for attachment for them. Some of these NDs outright identify as asexuals, since sex has no real meaning to them, while some don't. I attach with obsessive thoughts about a girl, and I do this primarily before I know her too well, and certainly before I have any intimacy with her. Once I know her pretty well, this method of attachment no longer works, so if I have no attachment at this point, I will never get any either. It's in this stage that I easily can cut away and move on. If I obsessed about her for months, I simply won't be able to move on in a long time.



flywithme
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24 Jul 2016, 6:49 am

Thank you for the helpful replies everyone... :heart:
I think our attachment is also a bit different since we've known each other for more than 20 years.

If he wants to end things, why isn't he doing so? Why is he keep being reclusive and running away without giving me anything concrete? He keeps saying he cannot think about anything right now because he is mentally exhausted but never broke things off with me.

I am just left here confused and bruised.
All I want is to make him happy. And if it is his wish to end things with me, I will honor that but I wish he could tell me.



rdos
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24 Jul 2016, 7:42 am

flywithme wrote:
Thank you for the helpful replies everyone... :heart:
I think our attachment is also a bit different since we've known each other for more than 20 years.

If he wants to end things, why isn't he doing so? Why is he keep being reclusive and running away without giving me anything concrete? He keeps saying he cannot think about anything right now because he is mentally exhausted but never broke things off with me.

I am just left here confused and bruised.
All I want is to make him happy. And if it is his wish to end things with me, I will honor that but I wish he could tell me.


I think you having known each others for more than 20 years might be part of the problem. That means it must have been a friendship turned into a potential relationship, which at least wouldn't work for me. Also, if it was me, and I had a obsessive crush on you, I wouldn't be able to think of anything else like he appears to be doing, and I probably would be full of energy and entusiasm about it. His lack of entusiasm would be a red flag for me. He should show that when you are not even really together. Still, that's me, and he might not share those traits with me.



Jono
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24 Jul 2016, 8:45 am

flywithme wrote:
Thank you for the helpful replies everyone... :heart:
I think our attachment is also a bit different since we've known each other for more than 20 years.

If he wants to end things, why isn't he doing so? Why is he keep being reclusive and running away without giving me anything concrete? He keeps saying he cannot think about anything right now because he is mentally exhausted but never broke things off with me.

I am just left here confused and bruised.
All I want is to make him happy. And if it is his wish to end things with me, I will honor that but I wish he could tell me.


Well, normally I'd probably say that maybe he wasn't trying to end things but just needed some alone time because of stress. However, you mentioned that he had a girlfriend and was cheating on her, are you sure that he wanted to break up his girlfriend? Another thing that seems a bit worrying is that you were also married. I know that you said that you're separated and getting a divorce but did you have an agreement that you could date and see other people? It's possible that it was seen as just an affair or fling but that is not something that usually happens with aspies, so if this is the case then it might put the idea that he's got asperges's in question.



flywithme
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24 Jul 2016, 9:45 am

Hi Jono,

Do Aspies need alone time when they are under a lot of pressure and stress? As a NT, when I go through a difficult time I need support and encouragement from others... I don't want to be left alone because I will just rot in depression.

He said he did break up with his girlfriend so it wasn't cheating on his part... My husband said I could see other people if I wanted to but I didn't really tell him about this new relationship.

I am leaving him alone now but it is very hard because this summer was supposed to be fun for us...



kraftiekortie
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24 Jul 2016, 10:17 am

Sometimes, Aspies do need "alone time"'when they are stressed. Other people are just a hindrance to relaxation for various reasons.

It doesn't mean that support isn't appreciated. It's that the Aspie just needs to be away from the social pressures that other people bring, mostly through no fault on anybody's part.



Jono
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24 Jul 2016, 2:21 pm

flywithme wrote:
Hi Jono,

Do Aspies need alone time when they are under a lot of pressure and stress? As a NT, when I go through a difficult time I need support and encouragement from others... I don't want to be left alone because I will just rot in depression.

He said he did break up with his girlfriend so it wasn't cheating on his part... My husband said I could see other people if I wanted to but I didn't really tell him about this new relationship.

I am leaving him alone now but it is very hard because this summer was supposed to be fun for us...


Sometimes we do need alone time when stressed but it doesn't mean that we don't want or appreciate support, it's just a way of dealing with the stress. If you think that you can support him, you can still do so.

Were you planning to spend time with him this summer?



Chronos
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24 Jul 2016, 10:10 pm

flywithme wrote:
He has a bad relationship with his professor.


Am I correct to guess he is a student?

Studies can be very consuming and it's not unusual for students to literally spend all of their time and energy trying to finish projects and assignments.



flywithme
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24 Jul 2016, 10:44 pm

We made a lot of plans to do fun things together.

Yes he is a student enrolled in a very intense setting but then why did he start all of this if he can't even handle it?

At this point, I don't even know if he is an aspie or a sociopath... You just don't treat another fellow human being this way. Not contacting me all the sudden after pursuing me like that? Even if it wasn't his intention to take advantage of me, I sure do feel used. It's awful and so cold blooded.

I think I am just going to move on.



Jono
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25 Jul 2016, 4:19 am

flywithme wrote:
We made a lot of plans to do fun things together.

Yes he is a student enrolled in a very intense setting but then why did he start all of this if he can't even handle it?

At this point, I don't even know if he is an aspie or a sociopath... You just don't treat another fellow human being this way. Not contacting me all the sudden after pursuing me like that? Even if it wasn't his intention to take advantage of me, I sure do feel used. It's awful and so cold blooded.

I think I am just going to move on.


Yes, it does seem strange. We don't know the reason, we can only guess based on what you told us.



kraftiekortie
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25 Jul 2016, 7:34 am

Maybe, in the back of his mind, he wanted to have a diversion beyond his studies. A diversion in a good sense, not a "using" sense.

Perhaps he saw something in you that was great, but didn't understand the ramifications of relationships. Maybe he became overwhelmed by the whole thing. Maybe he had difficulty losing his autonomy. This is actually common in people, not just in autistic people.

People, in life, don't generally "plan" when it comes to relationships. Relationships generally are just "thrust upon them." Neurotypicals, on average, probably handle this better than people on the Spectrum.



GregCav
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28 Jul 2016, 7:04 pm

flywithme.
My advice is naturally suspect; I don't know you or your friend. And for that matter, I've never had a successful relationship, ever.

Sooooo. You are young, believe it or not, there is plenty of life left for you. Slow down girl. Life isn't over when you hit 30. Become friends first, give that a year, move in together and give that a year. If you haven't killed each other at that point you might be onto something.

Aspies take hurts badly. So he might be hurting from whatever happened previously, or the teasing he got in his childhood. It will be difficult and challenging for you in a relationship with an Aspie, no matter what you think or believe. It's not an equal relationship, this you must know up front. If you can understand and deal with that, great. You have a chance to have a great relationship.