Single Doesn't Always Mean Single

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Gamester89
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27 Jul 2016, 5:29 pm

I recently learned a very valuable lesson the hard way, single doesn’t always mean single. I decided to try and make basic conversation with this girl, but before I did so I asked a friend of a friend and even double checked her Facebook profile to try and make sure she really is single. Both sources say yes, but I later found out that this wasn’t the case. I noticed that she was always very friendly towards other women and married and older men, but always stand-offish and acted like she didn’t want to talk very much with young, single men such as myself. A few weeks later I learned that this was because she has had a boyfriend for the past two-years that most people weren’t aware of. I myself didn’t know anything about this until after she had broken up with him and had became noticeably depressed over the end of her relationship.

She admits that she has left and taken this guy back several times in the past after he had repeatedly hurt her feelings, so even though she has told everyone that they’re through for good this time, I strongly expect her to ignore everything that has happened between them and return to him again at some point in the future, probably sooner rather than later. It’s pretty sad, but a particular subset of women with low self-esteem issues would rather give screw-ups like this a dozen different chances than just one opportunity to a guy who would actually treat a woman nicely.

Apparently the reason she told her friends that she decided to keep her two-year romance such a secret from everyone around her, except for introducing him to her mother, who she’s closest to, and apparently approved of her dating him, is because she has an overprotective father and older-brother in his early 30s, who are now wanting to beat-up her ex-boyfriend after they found out that he has broken her heart. I want no part of such a chaotic situation. I’m just glad that I didn’t actually try to flirt with or ask her out because as we all know, doing this with a girl who’s already in a relationship with someone else can often lead to a fight, even unknowingly. In this case, I would have likely wound up in the middle of this mess and would have had to deal with her jealous and angry ex-boyfriend and her overprotective relatives. That’s why it’s always best to make 100% for sure that a woman is single before you try to approach her. Simply relying on one or two third-rate sources just isn’t enough to be for sure nowadays, and can often lead to trouble that you were never expecting.



palmtoka
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29 Jul 2016, 9:49 pm

I have this feeling of being afraid to having a girlfriend, yet wanting to have one nonetheless.

Given that I have only one female friend in real life who I have only met once in Tokyo,
this will be a challenge for me.

I keep telling myself that it is just not the right time and that
there IS a special someone that can turn my world around,
somewhere in this world or even on this forum.


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alex
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29 Jul 2016, 10:12 pm

I don't think flirting with someone will lead to a fight in most cases. I l also think you're being overly cautious.


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Tufted Titmouse
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30 Jul 2016, 8:12 am

I would give almost anything to be as smart as you. I'm not being sarcastic. This stuff is ALL true.

Every paragraph of this was like lightning hitting me in the brain, in a good way.

To think of all the times I narrowly escaped this type of situation, and only because I was doing as the "bros" taught me, and being persistent and confident. And I guess girls on the dating sites are no exception, with their ads waving the "single" flag. Wow.

I was giving dating advice to fellow aspies, but it looks like I need to be coming to you.



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Jul 2016, 3:11 pm

Single may means you're a vampire.



Sweetleaf
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31 Jul 2016, 3:34 pm


To think of all the times I narrowly escaped this type of situation, and only because I was doing as the "bros" taught me, and being persistent and confident. And I guess girls on the dating sites are no exception, with their ads waving the "single" flag. Wow.


I think most girls on dating sites who express they are single and looking are actually single, as are most guys probably. Of course there is always some risk with interacting with new people, they could turn out to be dishonest or generally unpleasant.


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Sweetleaf
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31 Jul 2016, 8:05 pm

I do remember once when I was not single, and when I told a guy who tried asking me out he appeared to get angry with me and not believe me.


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John 35 Alabama
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01 Aug 2016, 7:09 am

Sorry, had to get a new account.
Sweetleaf is right, and guys really need to stop showing their feelings when this happens. We need to take it at face value. It takes courage for a person to say anything at all, when asked out, male or female. It also takes courage for them to go silent and say nothing. In any case, we are putting them on the spot.
The OP of this thread touched on it in so many ways, that there has to be an art to it, on how to put a person at ease without asking any big questions. This is why the "friendzone" is mostly just pop-language for something much bigger. I'm reminded of a movie called the Celestine Prophecy. It's complicated, as are many things.

The harder we try, the more we push people away, regardless of whether we are male or female. Approaching a person in the grocery store is much more awkward than going to a barbecue and making jokes with everyone. Or dancing like no one is watching, even when a dozen of them are watching. It's a word without words.

It's one hand clapping. The way an old French writer named Lacan put it, and I have trouble even remembering his first name. But I recommend googling that name, in conjunction with the subject of attraction. Sorry for the rant, as always.