Ideal places for dates for Aspies?

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LimboMan
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04 Aug 2016, 3:02 pm

I want to date and try and have my first girlfriend but I am a bit worried in terms about the ideal situations for the date to take place. I hope to use online dating and although I've heard horror stories of men not getting many replies, I will still do it whatever the case.
But I am unsure what constitutes as a good activity for a first date. I for one am sensitive to noise and many noises at once. I don't mind as much going to noisy places on my own such as coffee shops and cafes but if I am trying to talk to someone all the noises at once when trying to make eye contact and listen and analyse to what the person is saying is very difficult and distressing at times for me. Especially with a woman. In situations like that I often feel aloof. I don't really enjoy restraunts either with loud babies, children. It makes eating food stressful and dont get me started on bars. All sound is turned up to maximum most places I feel and I don't drink.

I hope these questions can be answered.
1 - What are some good ideas for people with noise sensory and eye contact issues like me for dates?
2 - How long should a first date usually expected to last?
3 - How do you know when to finish the date?
4 - Do a lot of dates tend to happen during the night? I have a lot of security/crime anxiety.

Thanks


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Chichikov
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04 Aug 2016, 3:17 pm

1 Find a café or bar local to you that doesn't have loud music, or isn't particularly busy, you'll definitely find something that suits. I'd avoid restaurants do to the time nature of it, there is no quick way out if needed. Agreeing to meet for a coffee is boring but it ticks enough of the boxes. It puts an expectation of how long it is going to last (see points below) and gives both parties an easy exit if needed.

2 Depends how well you're getting on, what you have to talk about etc. If she bails after half hour or so then it's probably not going well. If you are chatting for an hour to two hours I'd say that's more than enough. You might want to timebox it at the start by saying something like "I can only stay for about an hour, I have to <have some excuse that involves doing something with someone else>." It takes the pressure off both of you as she'll be thinking the same thoughts, it lets her know you're not going to expect her to stay for hours, and if you're not interested in her you have your exit plan already in place. Also the excuse raises your "social value" in her eyes; if you're in demand socially you must be a nice person.

3 Hopefully you'll just know. When you feel the conversation start to dry and get forced and you start to have awkward silences then it's time to bale.

4 A woman would probably feel more comfortable with an afternoon date as the first date. It'll make her feel safer as there are people around, and there is less expectation that you'll want "night time activities" if you see what I mean.



LimboMan
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04 Aug 2016, 3:32 pm

Ah great many thanks! Your reply really helped me feel better about it.


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lidsmichelle
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04 Aug 2016, 4:21 pm

Is there a park nearby? I like getting coffee and then going to the park and walking and talking. I find that doing something else while on a date (like walking) relieves a lot of the pressure to make consistent eye contact.


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hurtloam
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04 Aug 2016, 4:35 pm

What about a Saturday or Sunday afternoon?

Personally I would like a date doing something interesting. But I'm the aspie, and I'm guessing your date is NT, so I dunno if this is good advice. A museum or art gallery is quiet, but there is always something to talk about if conversation runs dry. Hey, look at that random fragment of pottery!

Honestly I would love it if a bloke looked up what's on and suggested that we go to a museum or art event together.



Chichikov
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04 Aug 2016, 4:44 pm

The problem with galleries and museums is that they are considered "passive" activities, and a woman (presuming an NT woman) is going to want something more involving to get to know you.



kraftiekortie
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04 Aug 2016, 5:58 pm

I feel the ideal date for an Aspie is to the movies.

If it's a good movie, that can be the subject of conversation at dinner. No subject of conversation needs to be created by anybody.



saxgeek
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04 Aug 2016, 6:45 pm

Although I don't really like movies, I'd have to agree with that. When you're watching a movie, your attention is supposed to be on the movie, and you're not expected to socialize all the time. The only issue I have with movies is that a lot of movie theaters play the audio way too loud, which is very uncomfortable.



Chichikov
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04 Aug 2016, 7:50 pm

Unfortunately movies make the classic bad first date. There is no real interaction for the whole two or three hours the movie is on. When an NT woman goes on a date, she wants social contact with you, to get to know you etc., she doesn't want to sit in a dark room for three hours having her dress, hair and make-up go to waste :)