Frustrating thing

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So this is both a friendship and a romantic interest thing.

I recently re-befriended someone I had to cut out a few years ago because he was going through a bad time but taking it out on me. Recently, wondering how he was doing, messaged his mother to ask. I found out he was doing much better and decided to contact him since she assured me he wanted to reestablish friendship with me.

Now, when we were friends years ago I wasn't interested in him romantically - for one, I was interested in someone else during the years we were friends; and two become he was rude to me there was no way I was going to develop any interest in him. At the time he ended up interested in one of our mutual friends but she rejected him. Later on he asked me out, but it was clearly (from what I could tell) because he was lonely, not because he was genuinely interested in me romantically. At the time I was despairing that the guy I did like would ever be interested too (and that guy did end up asking me out).

Now, of course I rejected him because of those reasons as well as how he treated me.

Fast forward to now. When I become interested in someone romantically - or as a friend - there is an instantaneous chemistry for me and I just know I want to be around them. The first time we hung out recently that happened for me.

I'm not pushy. I may never bring it up because I see him as a friend as well. I don't consider it manipulative because while it would be nice if he ended up feeling the same, I don't expect it if I spend time around him and am nice.

Anyways. The other friend has agreed that she would consider being friends with him again too if it seems like he's become a better person. He has. Which means eventually I'm going to have to share him and I don't want to. This actually isn't for romantic reasons, it's because I don't like sharing my friends. I don't care if they're friends with other people I'm not friends with, but I don't like sharing friends with friends because I want them to focus solely on me.

That's selfish obviously, and I don't act on it ever or intend to in this case. I've had years to learn to deal properly with this reaction.

What I want to know is how to handle this? Should I at least attempt to tell him I'm interested eventually, while of course letting him know that rejection on his end wouldn't ruin our friendship? He's also lonely and like before, I still don't want someone to be with me simply because they don't have a better option. I'd rather be rejected. Should I just leave things how they are?

And how would I tell if he's interested - we're both aspies! Neither of us emotes well or shares their emotions well, and neither of us are good at reading people either.

Anyways I'm not sure how to handle this. My natural instinct is simply to compartmentalize and not deal with it for fear of ruining a good friendship with awkwardness. But I really, really like him and I don't want to miss a potential opportunity because I'm too shy and afraid of rejection and ruining things to say what I feel.

People change. People evolve.

I would give it a try.

If you're friends with A, who is friends with B, and you want to be friends with B without sharing a friend with a friend, the obvious solution is to stop being friends with A.

Not that simple. The other friend, she's been my best friend for six years. The guy would have been six years as well this year had we continued being friends. I consider them both best friends and that's the problem.

I also know I'm being a resentful dick because the girl friend has made less and less time for me since she started dating this guy a year ago. So part of me is also like - why should I share the time I have with this other person when she doesn't share enough time for me?

And no, I'm not stopping being her friend because of this resentment. I know it's unreasonable and I have to learn to deal with it because people make less and less time for friends as they get older and enter relationships.

Have you told all of this to your two friends?

Maybe invite them both to lunch? Or would that be like sharing again..?

I do like hairy problems but this one is a pickle.

Crisis on that front averted. The other day we were talking and I apologized for talking about the other friend so much (the other friend was the only friend I had for the last two years) and he admitted he felt that she and he had never had much in common and argued more than anything else and wasn't sure that it was a good idea to be friends again. So unless he changes his mind it sounds like I might not have to share him with her after all.

What am I reading there?

You have strong entitlement issues, even if you don't act on them.

Input of yours unnecessary. I'm aware the feelings aren't healthy unfortunately they are a side effect of abandonment issues. I can't get rid of them so f**k off with your guilting. It's not like I like feeling like this. All I can choose is how I act and I don't act out on these feelings.

Please refrain from commenting on things when you don't understand them.

Just be friends with both of them. I have figured out that if I want friends and a social life sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do. Sometimes I feel like sitting at home watching TV but if my friends want to go do something then I do it. You just need to step out of your comfort zone in this situation.

I'm in that.kind of situation. I had a male friend who I wasn't interested in years ago. I had another friend who was trying to pair us and I told her to stop it because I didn't like him I liked someone else.

I've been around him again recently and changed my mind. But we're friends now and I feel like it's too late to fix it because I rejected him all that time ago.

Maybe it isn't too late to fix. Maybe that's just in our heads. We are building it up too much and really it would be simple to say, "hey I know we've know each other for a long time, but I realise now that I like you a bit more than friends and I'd like to get to know you better"

Easier said than done, but that is how to do it. Last time I did that the guy said no, but we're still friends. It was awkward at first, but things have gone back to normal now.

It's a gamble.

Well honestly I reacted this way because you are one of those members who constantly accused and guilted males of entitlement things (especially in Nice Guy/ friendzone threads) without knowing their life and past situations.
You see how annoying it sounds?

Anyway....lidsmichelle, you can't expect a guy that you rejected before to come to you and asks you out for the second time - even if he genuinely likes you - this is impossible, you are asking for too much from his part, he will not risk in getting a second rejection from you.

The ball is totally in your court this time, if you want him, it is you who should ask him out. There's no other way.

As for him not having other options - so what do you want? A popular hot guy who has a lot of fangirls to pick from? so you can feel that he picked you over all the other admirers? If that's the case then you shouldn't like an aspie guy in the first place and better to leave him alone.

?????

This is the most socially complex post I have ever come across on this website.

Why would you reconnect with someone who treated you poorly? If they do not come forth an apologize, they are probably not sorry.

It does matter that your friends have other friends, but not in the way you think. It matters because your friends having other friends actually makes your friend a healthier person and a better friend to you. If you try to monopolize your friend, your friend will likely grow resentful and tired of you, and you will destroy the friendship. And P.S., he is not an object that you own. He is a person and entitled to fraternize with whomever he wants.

Why do you need permission from your other friend on this matter? Why do you both have to be friends with him? I don't understand. None of my friends are friends with each other and I'm not friends with any of my friend's friends. It has never been a problem.

Why create these stressful situations that you have?

Again you misunderstand and make assumptions. I don't want him to be a popular guy who has lots of people who want him. That's not who he is and the only expectation of change I've ever had for him is for him to be respectful to me. No, I just want to be sure he actually is interested in me and wouldn't say yes simply because he doesn't want to be alone and feels that he has no other options. When he asked me out 3 years ago he pre-faced it with something to the extent of "I'm lonely and you're lonely and the people we are interested in don't want us." Like that's my concern. Right there. I don't want to date someone who doesn't actually want to be with me because they want me. I'd rather be rejected by him than that. It would hurt less.

I know who this guy is and if I wanted someone different then I wouldn't be interested in him. I've had his measure for years, and while he's changed slightly, so has his measure so I know who he is now as well.

And do you really think someone with my temperament would want someone who I felt I had to compete with many people for? I'm not a competitive person romantically and I don't want to vie with many people.

And yes, there is a different because there is an actual cultural problem in the US and many other places of male entitlement. I do not feel entitled either. I want something but never have I felt that I should get it or that it was perfectly rational to feel this way or that people not doing as I want is unfair of them. And I feel awful that I feel this way. I can't say that any of these things seem to be the same with those guys who open the threads. They don't ever seem to see anything wrong with their expectations. Just them throwing tantrums that the girl they've been nice to doesn't want to date them.

1) he never came forward because he thought I hated him. The first thing he did when he contacted me as insist on apologizing for how he acted.

2) I don't care that he has other friends I simply don't want us to share friends. That's what I'm saying. I'm glad he has other friends. I agree that it's healthy. Because of my social anxiety I really only had one friend for the last year and I knew it wasn't healthy.

3) Again I don't feel entitled to s**t. I don't expect him to focus on just me, I don't think that what I want is rational or normal, and I don't act on how I feel. Please refrain from lecturing me on how I don't own someone when I'm damn well aware of that fact and wouldn't wish to anyways.

4) Because we were all in a friend group at one point. I want to make sure that if we all want to reconnect that we do. Contrary to what you seem to think I want the people I care about to be happy, and if them being friends again would make then happier then of course I'd do my best to be that bridge between them.