Should I apologize to him or let it go?

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LeaPoufyPony
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10 Aug 2016, 3:38 pm

We've known each other for 6 years and have met in person countless times.I've also met his family.However,he has been wanting to skype with me for the last couple days but we couldn't because of schedule confiction.I finally I told him that I can stay up late last night since I'm off the next day,which is today.He said 'sure sounds good, looking forward to talk to you''.So last night I stayed up the whole night for him.I even texted asking what time he's getting off work but he never responded.I stayed up until 12:30 am until I got too tired and went to bed.I wake this morning ..still no text from him,Then he just texted me and said'he got busy with work.




I was bothered by this so I sent him several messages telling him that it was disrespectful for him to blew me off like like that.He responded and said "okay,I'm sorry ! geez,your'e over reacting.

This irritated me so I sent him more messages to my own defense ,telling him again how wrong it was of him then I said i'll let it slide and if he wasn't to talk then he'll have to come to me and show me that he's willing to make effort.He responded and said"Okay,I'm done !Cya!(I didn't even read all that)Please don't talk to me anymore' 'I then said why are being such a jerk? I didn't do anything to warrant such hostility! Then he was I didn't know that you were going to be so crazy.

Was I wrong ?Did I over react?should I apologize?



The_Face_of_Boo
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10 Aug 2016, 3:50 pm

Yes you over reacted over something silly toward someone you know closely for 6 years.

Drama queens never win the guy.

If you want the guy, don't drama queen.



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10 Aug 2016, 4:12 pm

LeaPoufyPony wrote:
We've known each other for 6 years and have met in person countless times.I've also met his family.However,he has been wanting to skype with me for the last couple days but we couldn't because of schedule confiction.I finally I told him that I can stay up late last night since I'm off the next day,which is today.He said 'sure sounds good, looking forward to talk to you''.So last night I stayed up the whole night for him.I even texted asking what time he's getting off work but he never responded.I stayed up until 12:30 am until I got too tired and went to bed.I wake this morning ..still no text from him,Then he just texted me and said'he got busy with work.




I was bothered by this so I sent him several messages telling him that it was disrespectful for him to blew me off like like that.He responded and said "okay,I'm sorry ! geez,your'e over reacting.

This irritated me so I sent him more messages to my own defense ,telling him again how wrong it was of him then I said i'll let it slide and if he wasn't to talk then he'll have to come to me and show me that he's willing to make effort.He responded and said"Okay,I'm done !Cya!(I didn't even read all that)Please don't talk to me anymore' 'I then said why are being such a jerk? I didn't do anything to warrant such hostility! Then he was I didn't know that you were going to be so crazy.

Was I wrong ?Did I over react?should I apologize?


So it was ok when you're schedule conflicts with you and him talking...but if he gets held up at work and ends up unable to chat it's disrespectful and blowing you off? Pretty sure if he had the option to put work aside to talk to you he would have but clearly he didn't. If he was trying to blow you off he wouldn't have bothered to tell you he'd got caught up at work and that's why he couldn't talk to you. Exactly how many ragey 'you're so wrong' messeges did you send the poor guy after he already explained himself? I mean it kind of sounds like you were being a jerk non-stop rage messaging him till he had enough.

You did overreact...but not so sure he'll be receptive to an apology or want to put this in the past. Now he's probably worried if you guys were to get into a more serious relationship or move in together at any point you'll berate him anytime you feel he's done something wrong to the point of verbal abuse and doesn't want to invite that into his life.


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10 Aug 2016, 4:23 pm

LeaPoufyPony wrote:
... I sent him several messages telling him that it was disrespectful for him to blew me off like like that ... I sent him more messages to my own defense ,telling him again how wrong it was of him then I said i'll let it slide and if he wasn't to talk then he'll have to come to me and show me that he's willing to make effort. ... I then said why are being such a jerk? I didn't do anything to warrant such hostility! ...

Was I wrong? Did I over react? Should I apologize?
[opinion=mine]

You were wrong. You over-reacted. You should apologize.

It's acceptable to express your disappointment in ONE message, and then to wait for a reply.

It's over-reacting to send several messages saying he was disrespectful, to send more message telling him how wrong you think he was, to tell him to come to you and show his willingness to "make effort", and then to finish up with calling him a jerk.

I don't blame him for breaking off the relationship. After all, there are plenty more potential girlfriends out there - some of whom are not likely to over-react with a barrage of insults and demands when they don't get their way - so there is no reason to stick with someone who does.

[/opinion]

Good luck.

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T minus 58 and counting.



LeaPoufyPony
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10 Aug 2016, 4:52 pm

I understand that things come up and people get busy but he agreed to skype with me..only to bail on the whole thing the whole night.He never contacted me to let me know that he couldn't make it.

I sent him a text asking what time he's getting off work but he never responded.Then I sent another one around 11:00 pm asking if he's still down to talk..to no avail.I was upset because he couldn't find a second to text me and let me know that he couldn't make it>?The whole night and the next morning?He didn't get back to me until 6:00 pm the next day.Just for the record,I didn't disrespect him in my texts..I just expressed my disappointment

I know ,I shouldn't have bombard him with texts messages but don't you think he was wrong too?



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10 Aug 2016, 4:58 pm

In my opinion, he was originally at fault- for not letting you know he couldn't skype, and (if he didn't get the chance to) for not apologising promptly. But it was a minor, if upsetting, mistake.

So as Fnord say, reacting with the one message and waiting for a reply would have been reasonable. It sounds like you escalated the situation with a barrage of messages. This got him angry and upset, so he was more inclined to defend himself and get mad at you than to apologise. Then, with both of you angry, it escalated further into a fight.

Apologising is worth a try... though be diplomatic, and try to forget that you were initially in the right! Remember, OVER-react is the word. It might work, it might not.

In future... there is one useful tip for these situations that I learned in a class on assertiveness. When you have a complaint, talk about how it's inconvenienced or upset YOU, rather than judge or insult THEM. So, in the missed Skype-date situation, maybe say: "I felt really upset and confused and sat up all night waiting," rather than "You IDIOT, how could you stand me up like that? You have no respect for me."

If you ask someone to see you're point of view, they often go "Oh. Whoops. I really didn't think of that, I'm sorry." Go in guns blazing, they'll see it as an attack and they'll defend themselves.

(I ain't judging you, mind. I've messed up in a similar way a couple of times. In my case, I sent one "uh, what happened?" message, didn't get a reply for a couple of hours, then went full-on rage at them. Then had to apologise.)


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10 Aug 2016, 5:09 pm

Can I ask a question?

Does he often get caught up with work and is unable to text you? If so then I think you did overact. However if he nearly always texts back quickly it sounds as if there is something else going on here . . . ..clause some game playing. Hope you feel better soon



LeaPoufyPony
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10 Aug 2016, 5:27 pm

No,he was never like this..We didn't have set time to skype.I just told him that I will stay up late for him so we can skype and he said sure.I didn't hear from the whole night.I stay up until midnight then I got too tired and went to bed.Just for the record,i didn't call him any names



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10 Aug 2016, 5:31 pm

Ok well then sounds like he is perhaps wanting to create an argument so that he can walk away. Difficult to know why.you could certainly try apologising if you believe you over reacted but it sounds to,me (as an outsider) that he has other reasons for why he is reacting so negatively.



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10 Aug 2016, 5:44 pm

PhosphorusDecree wrote:
In my opinion, he was originally at fault- for not letting you know he couldn't skype, and (if he didn't get the chance to) for not apologising promptly. But it was a minor, if upsetting, mistake.

So as Fnord say, reacting with the one message and waiting for a reply would have been reasonable. It sounds like you escalated the situation with a barrage of messages. This got him angry and upset, so he was more inclined to defend himself and get mad at you than to apologise. Then, with both of you angry, it escalated further into a fight.

Apologising is worth a try... though be diplomatic, and try to forget that you were initially in the right! Remember, OVER-react is the word. It might work, it might not.

In future... there is one useful tip for these situations that I learned in a class on assertiveness. When you have a complaint, talk about how it's inconvenienced or upset YOU, rather than judge or insult THEM. So, in the missed Skype-date situation, maybe say: "I felt really upset and confused and sat up all night waiting," rather than "You IDIOT, how could you stand me up like that? You have no respect for me."

If you ask someone to see you're point of view, they often go "Oh. Whoops. I really didn't think of that, I'm sorry." Go in guns blazing, they'll see it as an attack and they'll defend themselves.

(I ain't judging you, mind. I've messed up in a similar way a couple of times. In my case, I sent one "uh, what happened?" message, didn't get a reply for a couple of hours, then went full-on rage at them. Then had to apologise.)


Great tips. I'm going to start using them for sure.



LeaPoufyPony
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10 Aug 2016, 5:48 pm

Thanks Raven, that's what I thought too .I even said I was willing to let it slide and call it a day as far as the argument is concerned but he didn't respond back.And that was it.So i'm not sure if I should even bother or it go



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10 Aug 2016, 5:58 pm

LeaPoufyPony wrote:
Thanks Raven, that's what I thought too .I even said I was willing to let it slide and call it a day as far as the argument is concerned but he didn't respond back.And that was it.So i'm not sure if I should even bother or it go

Maybe it's a question of whether or not you want to lose him as a friend. If not, apologizing sounds like the safest course of action. Or maybe there's history we don't know, and you feel like you're done? Either way, good luck. I know it really sucks to be in these situations, and I've done a whole lot of apologizing in my life.



LeaPoufyPony
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10 Aug 2016, 6:14 pm

DataB4 wrote:
LeaPoufyPony wrote:
Thanks Raven, that's what I thought too .I even said I was willing to let it slide and call it a day as far as the argument is concerned but he didn't respond back.And that was it.So i'm not sure if I should even bother or it go

Maybe it's a question of whether or not you want to lose him as a friend. If not, apologizing sounds like the safest course of action. Or maybe there's history we don't know, and you feel like you're done? Either way, good luck. I know it really sucks to be in these situations, and I've done a whole lot of apologizing in my life.


Normally I would apologize but in this case I suspect that he may just wanted out....I mean I could see how irriated it could to be bothered with emotional texts but not enough to say okay we're done..Maybe he said it out of anger and didn't really mean it,who knows.It's been few days since.

The thing is for the last week ,he offered to skype with me but flaked constantly, then when we finally had solid plans he didn't show up...I started suspecting that he might have someone else ,based on him being available to Skype one minute then "work" popping up, or saying he'll be available at "x" time then flaking out,



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10 Aug 2016, 6:22 pm

I would apologize, but I would do it knowing that it might not do any good. I would apologize because it's the right thing to do. You did over-react, in a hostile way. Maybe he can take the past six years into account and maybe he's gone. If you think you will again over-react, in the event he does not respond to your apology, then don't offer one at all.

You might want to wait a week or two to contact him though. Sometimes things calm down and everyone wonders what the fuss was all about. And if you apologize right away, it might just seem like another rage message and like stalking, besides.


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11 Aug 2016, 1:27 pm

i had a guy who had started doing such things by purposely not responding or purposely keeping away
and making me angry and making me yell

then i didnt reply or talk with him. he called up couple of days later asking me how i am.

i came to know later on that he found someone else.

and he was kind of happy i had stopped responding to him.

so all that drama was done by him to get away from me.

so be careful


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