How to best help young adult son

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Lorione
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26 Aug 2016, 12:44 pm

My son is 18, dx with Aspergers at age 5. It's never been a "perfect" diagnosis, but the closest his developmental pediatrician and later psychiatrist could come up with. A lot of people ask me what his "thing" is- that "thing" he's passionate about and will choose to engage in over all other activities. He's never had an overwhelming passion for any particular "thing." I've always had the feeling (and he's confirmed) that most of his interests are just ways to combat boredom and he could really take it or leave it. He was grossly misunderstood at school- lots of suspensions for what looked to them like defiant behavior. It was really him feeling cornered, trapped, overwhelmed and not knowing how to advocate for himself at that young age. We got him into a more understanding school, which was a bit better but not awesome. Finally, a semester into high school we decided to home school and it was one of the best things we ever did. He did a lot online and was very self-directed, working to create his own curriculum in several areas. He graduated high school a year early and worked with our homeschooling mentor to create a plan for what was next. The idea was for him to work part time and study for/ take some CLEP exams to get college credit for some courses while trying to figure out his more long-term goals. The part-time job was at his Dad's very small office, doing work on his own that was admittedly entry-level mindless stuff, but had the potential to become more. That only lasted a couple months. He couldn't tolerate the tedium. He studied for one CLEP and passed it, but then when did not want to do another. He says he feels forced into doing those things, not necessarily by us but by "the world" and he sees it as a cop-out to let the world dictate his actions. He very much wants to retain everything that makes him a unique thinker- and we agree, to a point. I mean, if being steadfast in his beliefs means he'll be homeless one day, I have a hard time rejoicing about that! We are fine with supporting him in any way he truly needs our support. We just don't want to make the mistake of making him too dependent on us and then having no future once we're out of the picture. We just want him to be moving forward in SOME way, and we're very flexible about how that looks- working, volunteering, classes, self-study, some kind of project- anything, really. Right now he sleeps until early afternoon, then plays games or watches shows on his iPad, but he's not really having "fun" with either. He does not shower or brush his teeth or help with household chores. He will make himself food if something he likes is there and easy to microwave. He is on meds for depression and anxiety, but he (and we) are not sure they're doing any good. He's incredibly smart and I've always felt that once he finds something he really wants to do, there will be no stopping him. He wants to find it too, but does not want to try anything out until he is sure he'll like it. The "experts,"- even ones who know him well- are divided. Do we get tough? Do we just love him and hope that with our support he'll eventually find his own way? What's a good middle approach? There's so much more to say, but this could easily become a book. I'm happy to answer any questions that could clarify. Any ideas are appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
-Lorione



somanyspoons
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28 Aug 2016, 8:33 pm

A young adult in their early 20's just sitting at mom and dad's house is a recipe for depression. He's still a teen, right? I would give him an ultimatum with a time line. Let him know how much time he has to just muck about. Maybe that will get him thinking about his own next step without being too harsh.

His thoughts about social pressures and the injustice of being forced to work or learn things that seem useless are SO normal. Its the age. Its what they do. But we also usually do stuff with our lives at that age anyways.

I wonder if he would enjoy some travel? Something a little structured because we know that autistic kids in general are not so great with "street smarts."

There are programs where you can volunteer for a few weeks or months, to work with certain organizations and work in far off, exotic places. That work doesn't feel meaningless. You are helping people who really need it. There is americorps if he wants to stay more local. There are organizations like habitat for humanity that will take long term volunteers. Something to get him involved in jobs that are clearly needed. Its not worthless. If he didn't do it, it would remain undone. There's also programs that will let you go off to another country to learn something intensely for a semester. Language immersion is popular. The most exotic program I found is an island off of Greece where you can learn to do stained glass window building and restoration. How cool is that?



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28 Aug 2016, 9:06 pm

What does he say about his life right now, about where he is at, about why he does what he does and doesn't do what he doesn't do?

Lorione wrote:
He wants to find it too, but does not want to try anything out until he is sure he'll like it.


This part is curious..... has he actually said literally, exactly this -- that he doesn't want to try anything unless he's sure he will like it?

If not, then can you remember what he has said that you understood as this? (Maybe this isn't the problem, and there's been a misunderstanding. Maybe he's actually afraid of failure, rather than afraid he won't like something -- or afraid of having a horrible experience, rather than simply the lack of a positive experience. Maybe he's trying to explain that he feels profoundly lost in the world and in himself, and overwhelmed by the challenge of figuring out what to do with his life. Or whatever else.)

If this is exactly what he said:

Have you tried pointing out to him that it's impossible to find things you like if you never try anything? Perhaps backed up with examples of things he only discovered he liked after he had tried them (examples from other people's lives might help or they might be totally useless simply because he's not them and has no way of knowing if he would experience things the same way)?

Have you asked him what will happen if he doesn't like something, versus if he does? (To see if you can get some insight into what's so bad, from his perspective, about trying something and not liking it.)

Lorione wrote:
Right now he sleeps until early afternoon


I wouldn't make a big deal out of this, necessarily. Plenty of employed, productive and happy people live nocturnal or semi-noctural lives. I would only make an issue of this if he's naturally a morning person, or if it was interfering with some goal that he had or practical task he needed to do -- like if he had aspirations for taking a course or doing a job that had normal working hours, or was missing appointments that could only be scheduled for the mornings or something like that.


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AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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06 Sep 2016, 2:27 pm

I'm a person on the Spectrum. I've had some successes, for example, taught high school math in a Catholic school for one year, not great but made it through the year. I've been a retail manager on a couple of occasions.

I'd really urge you not to run 'get tough' or some version thereof. My parents have tried that on several occasions. Generally made things worse, not better.

Maybe get involved in one or two humanitarian / volunteer activities yourself, and your son might not do these but might pick his own activities:

for example, local animal rescue?

learning about and talking up Third World health issues on the Internet?

working for H&R Block during tax season, and trying to be a good pro for your clients who matter-of-factly discloses the negatives of Block loan and bank products?

Or, just activities for fun, like boardgaming. Might encourage your son to do more and take more chances, some of which will fail badly. And for those of us on the Spectrum, with 'easy,' entry-level jobs not being at all easy in any way, shape, or form, whereas supposed 'hard' jobs can actually be relatively easy or at least straightforward, it is a more complicated life path, I'll say that.



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06 Sep 2016, 2:59 pm

I've struggled with bouts of depression.

I have read that with anti-depressants, it's trial and error in a respectful sense. Sometimes the first medicine is not the one which helps a person, and no doctor in the world can predict in advance. And often, it takes 4 to 8 weeks to tell.

And also, that's important to phase off a medicine in series of medium steps, even if it doesn't seem to be working. Just that your body may have gotten used to it and your biochem may have adjusted.

Haven't yet tried anti-depressants, but they are kind of my ace in the hole. And I realize some people have struggled with depression far more than I have