Hard pill to swallow

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My therapist recently gave me a hard pill to swallow. She told me she thinks the constant thoughts of finding a girlfriend might actually be hindering the chances of it actually happening and that it is creating undue stress on myself. I have been told similar things before but I refused to let go of the thoughts because it felt like I would be giving up and have all those years of desire go to waste. She did tell me it isn't about shutting the door, just not focusing so much on it.

A part of me can see this but it's still hard for me to accept it.
I just see so many around me who are sexist, homophobic, racist, and self-serving (My older brother being an example) getting all the girls while I am left in the dust that it makes my blood boil. I was told growing up "Don't do drugs, don't drink alcohol, don't get tattoos, be a gentleman, be nice, trust in God, blah blah blah" if I wanted a girlfriend. Instead, the opposite happened in the social circles my parents put me into. Even before I knew I had Aspergers, I felt like an outsider in what was supposed to be my culture although now I don't envy the psychotic religious beliefs, country music, and handegg fanaticism. I just hate how it feels like the ones who terrorized me have freedom of choice while I have to give in.

The problem is that if you focus on it too much, you don't pay enough attention to the other things in your life, so it looks like you aren't ready for a relationship,.

You shouldn't focus on it so much is just useless advice, 'okay thanks', easier said than done. I think that's an answer when there is no real answer or solution for your problems in this area.

I admit that I'm guilty of being a hopeless romantic myself sometimes, but it's probably best that you take care of yourself before even considering entering a relationship.

Dearest Marknis,

Why do you want a girlfriend so bad? From what I can gather, it seems one of the root causes is jealousy of others.

But what do you say? Is there any other reasons?

While it is easier said than done, I think your therapist has a point.

You want a girlfriend. From your (vivid) descriptions of your social surroundings, I wonder if is there actually anyone around you you'd want to be in a relationship with?

Is it possible your overwhelming desire to get A Girlfriend clouds any thinking you may do on the matter, and may leave you coming off as desperate and panicked, not particularly caring or being attracted to any particular girl, but just wanting A Girlfriend? An essential attitude of 'oh, I just want Someone' is not going to inspire reciprocal feelings in anyone (least not anyone you wouldn't be better avoiding).

There's a joke, often told at the expense of the Irish. A hapless tourist has gotten lost in the back of beyond, and bumps into a local. The tourist asks if they know how to get to the desired destination. 'Ah well now,' comes the response, 'I wouldn't start from here if I were you'.

I would suggest putting the matter on hold until you have a better place (physically, socially, psychologically) from which to start. Do what you need and can do to make yourself a life into which you can bring a potential girlfriend.

It worked for me with friendships (although noone told me that - I just gave up on trying) so it might work for your love life.

If you try too hard people see it. And if you stress about friendship/love you naturally try too hard, even without realizing. You come across as unnatural or desperate.
People just don't want to be with someone who is with them because he can't get any other friend/lover. They want to be liked/loved for who they are. They want to know that you consider them better than others. Not easier.

First you need to respect yourself and do what you like. Then you will see who is a good fit for being your friend - because people compatible with you will naturally get close to you and those not compatible will not be interested/will leave you. And it's good. In order to get close to people you must first weed out people you can't possibly mutually like. From then on it gets much easier.

The only problem is socializing - if the real you is a loner it will be hard for you to get close to anyone because you will naturally avoid people. It would be good if you worked, attended a school or were a part of a community if that's the case - otherwise you will never met people compatible.

You might try online dating though. I got a friend (and considered him possible boyfriend for a while but there was no sexual chemistry) this way. Although I admit even online dating requires you to weed out incompatible people. Don't even try messaging every single girl in your area with some generic message. Read descriptions carefully and only message girls you have anything in common with - and mention it in your first message. Tell her why you find her interesting - and the reason shouldn't be that she is beautiful. If she indeed is beautiful probably every single guy messages her this style so it isn't anything new for her - you risk getting weeded out. And if she is average or considers herself average or ugly she might consider you a cheap liar.
It's way better to focus on interests you share.

Remember - your aim isn't getting any girl.
Your aim is getting a girl you consider the best girl out there and making sure she knows that so she feels respected and wanted.

Does that mean you are ready to put in a lot of work to have a happy relationship?

Working as a team to support the household--these days lots of women are too busy earning a living to cook and clean--which means that they expect their partner to help out a lot more than in the past. This may actually be a better division of labor for some Aspies--exactly how much social interaction is involved in cooking and cleaning?

Going out as a couple works much better if someone actually does a little research and planning beforehand to make sure that restaurant is really what you think it is--particularly if someone has dietary issues and can't or won't certain foods. Would you be the one for being responsible that everything goes smoothly. These days, someone has to take the blame.

@BTDT: I can do that. I don't see why adults shouldn't have "chores" to do around the house. I'm also cutting down on spending since things like eating out and collecting various items will catch up to you.

Seems to me like it's pressuring you.

But just relax, and don't lose hope.

Just be content of who you are.