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Anna_K
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18 Sep 2016, 1:59 pm

So my best friend of 2 years has started hanging out with this guy that she likes whom she met in summer school. She hopes to get to know him better and hopefully date him and start a relationship. Her parents allow it just as long as one of her friends(preferably me) comes with her as they don't know this guy and don't want her going alone with him until she gets to know him better/they meet him.

Us three have hung out a few times and everything went well between the 2 of them. He doesn't mind the fact that I'm there and neither does she but since there is 3 of us they get wrapped up in their own conversation and I always get left out. I have a habit of zoning out or picking up my phone whenever I am not feeling included or I am getting bored. Whenever I would do that, she would get annoyed with me that I wasn't saying anything even though I was doing just that because I felt not included enough. For example, she wouldn't ask me any questions or give me a chance to speak, she would just tell me off for not contributing anything to the conversation, even though there wasn't any way that I could contribute (e.g. questions, inquiry etc). Another important detail is that the guy's English is a bit faulty and he wouldn't 100% understand everything she said to him, so she would have to find simpler ways to explain it. Even when I was listening to what she was trying to say to him, she would get annoyed when I wouldn't help her try and explain something to him.

Another issue is that every time we make plans, it always has to include him. She isn't making plans because she wants to see me, I feel like she wants to see this guy and only includes me because of her parents rules. The only time I hang out with her alone is in school, because the guy doesn't go to the same school as us. She also gets a bit insecure and would always say that I'm way better looking than her and that every single guy who hangs around us at school is only there because he thinks I'm hot and she hopes it doesn't happen with this guy. I just tell her that any guy who is in it just for appearance is a shallow person anyways, but she has made a point of bringing up my not so good moments in front of him, and I suspect it is because she is just looking for reasons for him to not like me (I'm not interested in him, so I don't care as much but still don't want my embarrassing moments told to everyone). On top of that it just made me feel insecure and last time I checked your best friend shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. She even outright asked him who he likes better and it just made things incredibly awkward from my perspective.

Yesterday when we hung out, I told her I needed to leave after 2.5 hours and she tried to make me stay because it would mean she had to leave too.

I have to add that she is the type of person who makes a lot of jokes and has a sarcastic sense of humour. She is funny most of the time, but she does have moments where she takes it too far and doesn't realize that she offended someone. I am getting fed up with it. I don't know if its worth throwing away 2 years of friendship over this? Do I even have a right to be upset or am I just overreacting?


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the_phoenix
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18 Sep 2016, 2:20 pm

Sounds like you're now her chaperone instead of her friend.
Or babysitter.
You should start charging babysitting fees!

Otherwise, she's taking advantage of you.

She is also disrespecting you.

I would say, look for new friends.
And if she calls and wants you to babysit her and her boyfriend
but it's inconvenient for you,
just say no.



sunset47
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18 Sep 2016, 3:49 pm

Anna_K wrote:
So my best friend of 2 years has started hanging out with this guy that she likes whom she met in summer school. She hopes to get to know him better and hopefully date him and start a relationship. Her parents allow it just as long as one of her friends(preferably me) comes with her as they don't know this guy and don't want her going alone with him until she gets to know him better/they meet him.


Chaperoning is not typical to dating relationships - dating literally means two people going out alone. In terms of the Duggars, the purpose of the chaperoning would be to make sure the dating couple kept their marital purity. They also met and had approved the dating relationship. The chaperone would be treated with the utmost respect and the expectations/boundaries would be very clear as to what it meant to be a third wheel.

In your friend's case, it appears that her parents are extremely concerned that she exhibits poor judgment. They want a chaperone to check on the quality of her choice which means they don't trust her. This is very different from the deeply-held religious beliefs of the 19 Kids and Counting crew.

Her inability to see you without him is typical of teenage relationships but it can ruin your friendship. It's also unhealthy in more mature adult relationships that actually have a serious chance of becoming a marriage where two become one. It's very healthy for people to have time apart and they need to learn how to both manage this. The biggest problem is her level of disrespect and her inability to pick guys that are compatible / good guys. If they happen to have good lucks, that's fine. It's just that the good lucks really need to be secondary to their personality/character traits. Until then, she will only have puppy love. This appears with the limited information to be puppy love. Puppy love is a mutual crush between two people that is completely built on passion. A relationship takes both passion and dedication - dedication is the staying power of the relationship and the passion is the initial attraction.

As adults, it is typical within the first three months to leave the honeymoon phase and discern what you like or dislike about a relationship. Than you can make an educated guess about your relationship and that's mature.


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You scored 62 aloof, 49 rigid and 81 pragmatic - language differences
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 59 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 148 of 200
EQ = 50
SQ = 37
AQ = 22
You are very likely neurotypical


Spiderpig
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18 Sep 2016, 5:18 pm

sunset47 wrote:
The chaperone would be treated with the utmost respect and the expectations/boundaries would be very clear as to what it meant to be a third wheel.


The OP should similarly demand the utmost respect if she's to keep chaperoning her—former?—friend and her love interest. As already pointed out, she should actually be paid for her time, as she probably has otherwise better things to do with it—maybe even dating herself.

sunset47 wrote:
Her inability to see you without him is typical of teenage relationships but it can ruin your friendship. It's also unhealthy in more mature adult relationships that actually have a serious chance of becoming a marriage where two become one. It's very healthy for people to have time apart and they need to learn how to both manage this.


If you ask me, it's very unwise to disrespect someone with the power to separate you permanently from your love interest, or simply to make them the least bit uncomfortable in any way beyond the very fact that they're already wasting their time only so you can meet your love interest. If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd have already used that power.

sunset47 wrote:
her inability to pick guys that are compatible / good guys.


How do you know that?


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Summer_Twilight
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18 Sep 2016, 6:15 pm

It sounds like you ought to let her know "Hey I am happy for you in that you met someone but I feel like you we never get to spend any time together one on one. I also feel like you keep cutting me down in front of him and I am getting sick of it. If you can't respect me then maybe we are not a good fit for each other."



sunset47
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18 Sep 2016, 9:33 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
If I were in the OP's shoes, I'd have already used that power.


I probably would too even though that might sound cruel. She does need to have a dating life as you had mentioned.

sunset47 wrote:
her inability to pick guys that are compatible / good guys.


Spiderpig wrote:
How do you know that?


Great question; it is a guess. I'm thinking that her parents somehow think she exhibits bad judgment and thus want her to be chaperoned. It just makes commonsense to me but I don't know; it could simply be gossip.


_________________
You scored 62 aloof, 49 rigid and 81 pragmatic - language differences
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 59 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 148 of 200
EQ = 50
SQ = 37
AQ = 22
You are very likely neurotypical


Summer_Twilight
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19 Sep 2016, 1:24 am

It also sounds like and her parents are using yoi and seeming to forget that you are friends. You might remind all three of them of the role that you thought you were to her.

I had a similar situation 20 years ago with a childhood friend only she started making fun of me and made it clear that she didn't have time for me whenever I called. The only time she called me was whenever she got into a fight with her boyfriend and wanted me to talk to him for me which I refused.

It sounds like letting her know straight up that you feel like you are being treated as a doormat and that you have lots of homework to worry about.



CatLady53
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20 Sep 2016, 12:11 pm

Anna_K wrote:
So my best friend of 2 years has started hanging out with this guy that she likes whom she met in summer school. She hopes to get to know him better and hopefully date him and start a relationship. Her parents allow it just as long as one of her friends(preferably me) comes with her as they don't know this guy and don't want her going alone with him until she gets to know him better/they meet him.

Us three have hung out a few times and everything went well between the 2 of them. He doesn't mind the fact that I'm there and neither does she but since there is 3 of us they get wrapped up in their own conversation and I always get left out. I have a habit of zoning out or picking up my phone whenever I am not feeling included or I am getting bored. Whenever I would do that, she would get annoyed with me that I wasn't saying anything even though I was doing just that because I felt not included enough. For example, she wouldn't ask me any questions or give me a chance to speak, she would just tell me off for not contributing anything to the conversation, even though there wasn't any way that I could contribute (e.g. questions, inquiry etc). Another important detail is that the guy's English is a bit faulty and he wouldn't 100% understand everything she said to him, so she would have to find simpler ways to explain it. Even when I was listening to what she was trying to say to him, she would get annoyed when I wouldn't help her try and explain something to him.

Another issue is that every time we make plans, it always has to include him. She isn't making plans because she wants to see me, I feel like she wants to see this guy and only includes me because of her parents rules. The only time I hang out with her alone is in school, because the guy doesn't go to the same school as us. She also gets a bit insecure and would always say that I'm way better looking than her and that every single guy who hangs around us at school is only there because he thinks I'm hot and she hopes it doesn't happen with this guy. I just tell her that any guy who is in it just for appearance is a shallow person anyways, but she has made a point of bringing up my not so good moments in front of him, and I suspect it is because she is just looking for reasons for him to not like me (I'm not interested in him, so I don't care as much but still don't want my embarrassing moments told to everyone). On top of that it just made me feel insecure and last time I checked your best friend shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself. She even outright asked him who he likes better and it just made things incredibly awkward from my perspective.

Yesterday when we hung out, I told her I needed to leave after 2.5 hours and she tried to make me stay because it would mean she had to leave too.

I have to add that she is the type of person who makes a lot of jokes and has a sarcastic sense of humour. She is funny most of the time, but she does have moments where she takes it too far and doesn't realize that she offended someone. I am getting fed up with it. I don't know if its worth throwing away 2 years of friendship over this? Do I even have a right to be upset or am I just overreacting?


I went through a very similar experience in HS, we'll call her B, and we stopped being friends. B had been my best friend for years, I would have done anything for her and she screwed it all up over a guy. Once I stopped agreeing to be 3rd wheel, B would tell her mom she was with me when she wasn't. One day B's mom showed up at my house, demanding to know where she was and I had no idea. Our friendship went downhill after that and later I found out it was due to B telling her mother stories about me so her mom would see me in a bad light. I was even able to trace some pretty vicious rumors about me that were spread around our small town back to B and her mom. We were a group of 4 BFFs and after HS only one friend "D" stayed in contact with B. Years later when I saw D again, she told me she had cut off B during freshman year of college because she had run off with yet another guy, and had made her sign up for a cell phone and stuck her with thousands of dollars in charges.

Your friend seems like the type of girl that will be your "friend" as long as she can get something from you, otherwise you are disposable. I suggest you run, not walk, away from this person.



Summer_Twilight
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21 Sep 2016, 7:06 am

Catlady:
I have had my share women who appeared to be my friends until they had a guy on their arms. I can name three.

1. A childhood friend, who I mentioned above. She wasn't really that interested in me before but when she met her first boyfriend she really lost her interest. For instant, I had called her on a few occasions only to have her do everything from saying that she was waiting for her boyfriend to telling me that she was eating, with a mouth of food. When she did talk, she seemed to want something from me. She also was more interested in using me for things.

2. I met someone at an autism center years ago and she was nice to me until she had a guy on her arms. After that she never had time for me and often led me around. That relationship ended with us getting mad at each other.

3.I was friends with someone for 8 years who was single for the first two before meeting her husband. After she married him, she showed a lack of interest. Suddenly another close friend, who was less interested was higher on her list. She also started acting like she was more important and making lots of cutting remarks and hints that her friends and family didn't like me. We ended up having a falling out nearly three years ago and it turns out that she never liked me or any of the things that I do. Rather she lied about everything and admitted to just clinging to me because she was lonely and felt like a "Pile of Dog Crap" (Believe me she was a spoiled brat too).



Jupiterra
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27 Sep 2016, 9:48 am

At this point, you're just babysitting them so they won't have sex on the table. In a few months your friend will either fuse forever into this guy's life, or pull her head out of her ass and go back to normal. I would get them to pay for food or bus fare in the meantime, since you are performing a service. I wouldn't cut ties with a best friend so easily though. It is hard to make new friends. Just wait at least two more months to see if she reverts to normal before you burn any bridges.