At a loss of how to help ASD son (23 yo)

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I posted here about a year ago about my ASD son. Long story short, he met a girl (grew up in a cult-like super religious environment, never having experienced the world) and got engaged. Told us they were getting married, though neither had full time jobs (she worked part time at Starbucks and he worked for our company part time) and no means of living on their own. He was very angry with us for not supporting the marriage. We got him diagnosed and into some therapy and he did realize it wasn't realistic to get married yet. He decided to quit therapy after a few months because the therapist "didn't respect his religious views." We haven't been able to get him back into therapy.

Fast forward a year later and things haven't changed much. He tutored a friend's kid in math a couple of times, then came up with a tutoring business idea. He spent all summer studying higher level math and never put out a single flyer to tutor anyone.

His finance's phone screen cracked and he looked up online how to fix it himself - he bought the parts and fixed it. Now he thinks he can start a business fixing phone screens. I talked to him about how you can't bring people to our house to fix their phone, that you need a location, and you also need inventory - you can't just wait until someone needs a phone fixed and tell them you'll order the parts and fix it next week. He seems to think he can go to his finance's coffee shop, put up flyers and hang around there and fix phones. Now he ordered a bunch of iPhone 6 screens and so he is advertising he fixes iPhone 6 only. He doesn't seem to understand that you would need to fix hundreds of phones per month to make a full time wage after your expenses of parts. What about insurance if you break someone's phone, etc.

He also says he's going to go get a Masters in Computer Science. He has a bachelors in History. He doesn't have any prerequisites for the Masters program. He says he can test out of them. When I questioned him on how he would acquire the knowledge to test out of them, he just said he would study. He also insists he can get a scholarship for cybersecurity as the government is giving those out now. He doesn't seem to understand that masters programs and scholarship programs only accept so many people and this isn't a guarantee. Without a scholarship, he'd have to take out loans, and I still don't know if he thinks he can get married while going to school (he'll not be able to work and go to school at the same time. I guess that's where he thinks he can fix phones to pay for it all.)

I feel like he keeps promising his fiancé the moon, and he can't deliver. They've been together 2+years and he has accomplished nothing. We have a small business and give him work when we can, but it's only enough for a few hundred a month in the school year. It's basically full time in the summer, which is when he has saved money. We make him pay us for his cell phone, car insurance and other expenses around the house and he is angry about that, too, and thinks we use him as slave labor. He does nothing around the house to help except mow the grass and do a half-ass job of cleaning his bathroom. His room is a mess and filled with dirty dishes, etc.

I know we have enabled him to be this way. My husband thinks we should just tell him to leave and move out on his own. I don't know how he would survive, or where he would go. I just don't know how to help him anymore.

Thanks for reading this far, if you made it!

You shouldn't make him move out....but he should clean up his room. Dirty dishes have a way of attracting bacteria and bugs.

It seems like he lacks that thing called "common sense." The only thing you can do is to continue to present common-sense scenarios which contradict his notions.

If he only fixes I-6 phones, he won't get much business, for example. There are many varieties of phones out there.

You have to press upon him the fact that he is an adult, and that he should assume at least some adult responsibilities. Paying for his phone and car insurance is an example of this. If he doesn't like it, he can move out.

But don't kick him out! (But don't tell him you won't kick him out).

Oh, boy. Yah. You know. There is a great tendency to blame everything on ASD because it has a cultural mystique. But this all sounds like completely typical complaints from a family where the adult child hasn't moved out of the house and there hasn't been a negotiation around that. You have 3 adults living in a house. It takes actual conversations to work that out. And yes, if he doesn't like it, he can go live with 5 strangers in some sh***y apartment like the rest of us did when we were 23. Chances are that he'll be back in a few months with a whole new attitude.

I would really suggest getting your own side of the sidewalked swept before concentrating on your son. Why haven't you maintained better boundaries with the adults in your house? What are you setting up that makes any adult under your roof think that doing a full 1/3 of the housework is slavery? Why would you even accept someone speaking to you that way?

We're autistic. Don't believe the hype that says we have to be rude and umempathic. That's non-sense. And frankly, its offensive.

Also, stay off his relationships! Those are his mistakes to make.

I would suggest, also, that you close the door to his bedroom and let that be his space. Every human deserves to have a place where they can keep it exactly the way they want it. If that means filthy, that's his choice. His mess. But again, this has nothing to do with ASD. It's just human decency to give a grown man his privacy in his own bedroom.

I think you need some kind of family meeting about what his responsibilities are ---and I would list what adults are typically responsible for expense-wise. The more responsibilities, he can be trusted with and he can do, the more he will have autonomy. I would figure out what market rent and his shares of food, utilities and his personal expenses are and tell him what they total is, and exactly how it is calculated. Tell him the basic rules for what a boarder would have to follow. (It can be messy but not unsanitary and attracting pests) Tell him what bills he would need to pay on his own and manage himself and what would be paid to you --room, board etc. Explain a boarder would still be responsible for cleaning up after himself in common areas, and those standards are higher than his personal room.

Then explain what a discount he is getting every month from what he actual pays and see how he reacts to that.

As far as his schooling ideas, business ideas (as long as he observes zoning laws of not doing it at home or expose you to liability) and his relationship I would stay out of it entirely unless, asked other than to make sure he understands you are not paying for his ideas.

Part of growing up is experiencing failure. So let him have a failed business/school experience if he pays for it from his own spending money and you are not cosigning loans or otherwise funding it. Also as long as he doesn't expect you to support his gf or future kids, I would stay out of that, too.

But I would not kick him out.

Well discarding him out onto the street after enabling some of this doesn't seem right, he'd probably just end up homeless beings he seems to have no life skills. Perhaps give him responsibilities around the house, and talk to him about the prospect of moving out. He is 23 so it is probably something he should think about, but it would probably be better if he has time to prepare and also he might need some help/support getting out on his own.

Sounds like he could use a more full time job if he is capable...also if he lives at home he should help with some expenses, however it should be reasonable.

I'm 26 w/ ASD and this sounds familiar to me.

If he's anything like me, all of these plans to do something seem very straight forward, until they're not. I abandon them when I see it takes time, effort, and consistency. I think it's because my brain knows it's too much and I don't believe I'll be able to keep it going at my perfectionist standards and it quickly becomes overwhelming. I desperately want to do something but I can't quite follow through.

I can see how this could turn into months, years, his entire life of never actually doing a single one of them. I think what might help him is to start small, very small. Give him a small responsibility, like a menial part time job if possible. Very few hours and easy so he can work on consistency. Make it as stable as possible: same days, at the same time.

Doing this for myself showed me that I could be responsible for something long term. A menial part time job turned into a full time job with more responsibility and room for growth. Don't get me wrong, it took a very long time and it was a lot of work (and failure), but it changed my core belief that I was not able to get past the early idea stage.

Be patient. It's very hard for us ASD young adults to transition something from fleeting to a permanent part of our lives. If you kick your son out, you would only be reinforcing his idea that isn't capable. You can't use a traditional sink or swim lesson; he is not neurotypical and you can't expect him to react as such. Hope this helps

Thanks all. I think DH was just saying about telling him to leave due to frustration. We would never kick him out on the street. He has grandparents/aunts/uncles/older cousins and we could always see about him going there for a bit if need be. We told him to get some sort of job last year around this time and he applied to numerous places and did get accepted at Starbucks, but only lasted 2 days before he quit. He didn't get callbacks on any of the other jobs. I had him go to the college for the job fairs, to the Workforce Commission to sign up, to the local employment agency, and he got no other job offers. The thing he is best at is simply studying, research and writing. Not sure how that translates to employment. This is why he is coming up with all the entrepreneur ideas - in the last year, he has come up with:
-painter (never painted anything in his life)
-carpentry (has never picked up a hammer)
-podcasting with ads (bought expensive recording equipment but never recorded anything)
-tutoring (studied a lot but never put out ads)
-and now this cell phone repair idea

I'm hoping that eventually he can figure something out. I just don't know how long we are supposed to just allow him to flounder around and not getting anywhere. I don't know how long the fiance is going to want to wait around for him to get his act together. In the meantime, she had to move back home with her parents as well as her roommate got married and moved out and she couldn't afford the rent on her own. At that time, she and our son were supposed to get married, but obviously that didn't work out. Now with his new plan of going back to school again, I'm not sure how he thinks he can pay for school, do any work (as he doesn't do well juggling work and school), and get married all at the same time.

Thanks again.

Tutoring is actually something that could be viable--especially if it's in something like mathematics or physics.

Heartandhome- we pay $100 an hour for our daughter's math tutor.....just saying. Tutoring is something that has potential. Also, there are tons of tutoring centers like Kumon and others plus SAT prep classes. Not sure what kind of qualifications they use to hire. I know there are even SAT consultants online that help kids to prep, analyze how they scored on practice tests and give them tips on what/how to study. If your son likes to study, helping others learn to study could be a good fit. Just a thought. Best of luck to your family.

When all else fails, there is always this route: English teacher/tutor in Asia, or other parts of the world. A change of environment may help to solve all issues.

We are going to go see a family therapist who specializes in ASD and hash things out. Son agreed it was good to have a mediator as typically things don't go well when we try to talk with him about difficult issues - he either shuts down or lashes out angrily. Today he accidentally sent me a text meant for someone else that said he had talked to finance's parents about getting married and moving in with them and they said no, so they will have to wait until she finishes school and has a job. This horrified me that he thought her parents would be ok supporting them while they are taking classes. Now the fact that he thinks she will finish school and get a job to support them while he goes to school is pretty bad too. Given the fact that he has no job history and has never once found a job, and knowing ASD stats, the chances of him getting out of school and finding a job right away aren't very good. Then she is stuck working and supporting him indefinitely. I don't see that turning out well. In any case, I think therapy is the best step to take now. Thanks everyone.