I think I've found her

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Chichikov is "virtue signaling", which is attempting earn browie points by nitpicking over any langague he thinks is not politically correct enough, to show how progressive he is.

What ever happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? Not judging people by impossible standards. That is right, only the virtuous can't be hypocrites, becuase they never ever try to control or run peoples lives

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 25 Sep 2016, 11:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with others. Take things slow,play it by ear, be supportive as you can. It is early days, trust takes time.

You're pretty much wrong with everything you say there. You're just constructing straw-man arguments to have a go at me as you've had issues with things I've said in other threads. I'm not sure what you "call that" and I don't really care either.

Err I have no idea who you are. I certainly don't remember you, if I did comment. It stood out on its own, anybody could have said and I would have said the same.

You nitpicked over one word he said, ignoring the positive. I thought that was petty.

I did no such thing. In your rush to criticise someone who said something you disagree with you completely missed the point.

Reading your post again it is way over the top and excessive. I stand by my opinion.

That's cool, I'm fine with you thinking it was over the top and excessive. Just don't say I was doing politically-correct nit-picking over the use of a word.

That's a lot to put on someone. And a lot of pressure on a relationship. To help her overcome her struggles you can listen non-judgmentally to her and support her in seeking help from a mental health specialist.
Meaning something to someone comes over time. So just enjoy spending time together and don't worry about the other stuff.

be there for her, do everything you can, but rest assured, you are not going to save her. and the more determined you are to save her, the more codependent you will be instead (especially if you're afraid of losing her or being rejected by her, which you say you are). live your relationship for its face value, or give up right now. or brace for agonizing heartbreak


chances are she fears the same (that she doesn't want that or that she doesn't want you, and that you don't really want to be there for her or that you don't want her). goes with the territory when depression is involved

That's your problem. You're only befriending women who you're trying to date. Those people are not your friends. Make an actual group of friends for a club, university, course, interest, job you like etc, both male and female. This is how most people meet someone. Seriously.

I'm not good in groups. I don't fit in, and wind up just standing quiet because everyone else has paired off talking. And i work so much I just don't have that much time. I really only have time for investing in finding a seriously, lasting relationship. Searching for friends, at this point, has less chance of success than if I can just find that one person who won't reject me.

Indeed making friends is 200% harder then dating

If making friends was all it took to find a date you'd think I'd have been on plenty by now. Such bs lol. I don't have time to be a fool anymore. Maybe that type of advice is fine for women who always have offers but for men you may as well be telling them to give up.

It's not "making friends" It's "Interacting normally with other people, enjoying life and doing lots of things". Most people who find partners easily are interesting, positive and generally a pleasure to be around.

Then your options are extremely limited, as you'll need someone who doesn't really want a life, only a relationship. Very few people are like that.

The only other thing I can think of is find an aspie who wants the same thing.

Also I don't mean go to big groups where you don't know people. I mean talking to that new person at yoga, talking to a dude at a small hobby group you go to. Talking to people on a tour your travelling on, Going to work functions and getting to know people over time. I'm pretty sure I've recommended working at a large company for years, but you don't seem to want to. In this case, your options are limited.

Judging by your track record, it's not easier finding someone who won't reject you, so you may as well at least try to enjoy life and do more things.

It happens when you're not looking for and trying to force it. You seem to be trying to swim up a river trying to find a girlfriend. It doesn't work, and if it does, it's really, really rare. People I know who have met off dating sites (not for hookups) and gotten married etc are in the minority. Do the dating sites you go to have any sort of community with offline meetups?

I understand OP's frustration.

People with Asperger's and disabilities can find it particularly hard to meet other people, let alone form a stable friendship group with 3-6 members, in any and all stages of life.

This has been my dream regarding a social life - an S.O. and a small close circle friend group, but I have never been able to achieve it.

I've been a part of groups as an acquaintance, but never as strongly a part of the group as the others, and many people even newer than me would fit in better and surpass me in their level of friendship with the others.

In recent times most of my friendships have been individual/one-on-one and scattered.

I might be friends with 2 people of one friendship group and 1 of another, and maybe even if I'm only friends with 1 person in a 5 person group, I'd be acquaintances/known to the others, or have friends who all live in different cities but I still talk to them online and see them rarely.

I definitely seem to prefer it this way.

One on one my social skills are perfectly fine, dare I say on the level of N.T.

Maybe it was just I was too different from my acquaintances in high school, but I could never truly connect with them the way I wanted to.

The largest friendship groups I've had began when I got to know them individually, and we eventually merged from separate friendships into one cohesive social group, the largest of which was in primary/elementary school with about 7 people.

This is of course only possible when all future members of the group share the same workplace, school, community group, etc.

"Doesn't want a life"?

It's completely possible to only have a relationship and no friends, and for some if not many of us this may be our only option if making friends is too hard.

Unfortunately it seems only a minority of men and women would date someone who 'has no friends'.

Personally I do have friends, but they all live in different cities so I don't see them on a regular basis anymore, have no way to meet others anymore, and the Asperger's/Anxiety affects my ability to make friends.

It is unfortunate friendless NEETs are judged so harshly when they very well may be making an effort.

In the past I volunteered but there was no one anywhere close to my age, I also went to a social group for males with disabilities and was also the youngest by several years.

Perhaps things will get better when I am a young adult but at many of these places there weren't even adults under 30, most were middle-aged and elderly married men and women.

In the near-future I could be volunteering at the local library, which accepts ages 15 minimum, so maybe I could finally meet a young girl/woman aged 17-24 or something, for once. Because I almost never meet or see them anywhere.

Seriously, where the heck do all the young people go? What do they do? I guess it's all university and their job for them that they meet other young people.

Where's that leave the disabled NEETs?

Also, many people, especially Aspies, should never 'stop looking' for love because this results in not getting it at all.

Some have to actively make an effort to meet and expose themselves to anyone close to their age of the opposite sex, or else they will meet none.

Having a group of friends to go places with doesn't even guarantee meeting women, because what if you're a nerdy/geeky/aspie male and ALL your friends are males in the exact same position as you? Lonely NEETs?

The best you could do is always be going out to places with them, but many aspie men tend to dislike bars and nightclubs, some women aren't interested in meeting men here, and these aren't always the best places to meet decent men and women anyway.

Where does that leave you?

Many people today keep to themselves at the gym and don't want to be bothered.

Your options are the beach, going to social events and groups individually or tag-teaming with your friends.

But going to most places and events alone gets very boring, very old real fast, so it's best to go to these places with others.

I have Agoraphobia/a fear of leaving the house, so I can NOT go anywhere alone anyway until I overcome it.

Even then, it is not guaranteed I will cross path with ANYONE even close to my age (this applies to anyone, not just me) and may end up only coming across families/the same sex/elderly when say going for walks or bike rides around the neighborhood or to the nearby shops.

But if you have no friends nearby, the only people you could go with are family.

This would also apply to young girls and women your age in the same position, so they would also only ever leave the house to go to events with family.

So, unless you can both manage to get away from your family and happen to cross paths or one approaches the other when you're both alone, it's far too awkward and inappropriate to approach teenage/young adult women to speak to and get to know in public if she's with family.

In conclusion:

Every shy/anxiety/quiet/reserved/introverted people with Asperger's or social anxiety rarely leave the house so they can't meet others the same way, they only ever leave the house with family and are rarely away from them.

Online dating is difficult and pointless, and believe it or not not every person with Asperger's here actually likes it.

Even online it can be difficult to find people in your area who are ND/anxiety/aspergers/ADHD/whatever/etc.

I personally can't stand online dating and hate chatting to strangers behind a screen. I'd rather see their face, smile, etc. and prefer quick-time/back and forth conversation rather than the more slow messaging.