I think I've found her

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I met a woman through online means. We've hung out twice and she is simply amazing. We have so, so much in common it's incredible. She's smart, passionate...the whole package.

The problem is she's revealed to me she's struggling with depression (another thing we have in common). As a result she's often been distant, despite my efforts to invite her out more.

I want to do the right thing. I want to be there for her, to be that someone that I wish had been there for me all the times I was depressed and had no one. I want to help her, save her. Do everything I can. But I fear she doesn't want that, or worse, she doesn't want me.

How I can prove to her I'm the one? How can I earn her love and prove my worth?

Be there for her. Tell her you care about her.

Simple as that.

Awwww, that's so great. I'm so pleased for you.

I think the only thing that will prove to her that you are "The One" is time. You need to get to know each other a bit more before either of you can be certain that you are totally right for one another.

I think it's absolutely fine to be enthusiastic and keep calling her and letting her know that you want to see her, but do not be too eager or start telling her that you think she is "the one" straight away, or else you might come across as desperate and she might lose interest or be scared away. (I speak from experience. I am too impulsive that way and I keep messing things up!)

Do you happen to know the primary reason for her depression? Also, if you don't mind me asking, what is/was the primary reason for your own depression?

You don't have to share that information on here if you don't want, but I only ask because many people are depressed simply because they are lonely and long for a romantic relationship. If they find somebody to be happy with, they then stop being depressed.

So, if her sole reason for being depressed is due to her loneliness, then you might indeed be able to "save" her from depression by simply giving her your love and companionship in the form of a romantic relationship.

But if she is depressed for other reasons (or perhaps for no specific reason that she's able to pinpoint) then merely meeting you will not stop her being depressed. If she is clinically depressed then the relationship might not work out because her depression will not go away and might just drag you down.

If she likes Opera, then Brian really got his girl!

I think most people go step by step nowadays

First you find a reason to befriend each other (common interests work) and then you start inviting the other party to events that they may be interested in but where you will be with a group of people.

Doesn't have to be a huge crowd but I'm sure you have a couple of friends you meet now and then just invite her one day.

After that if the group meeting goes well she might consider a one on one meeting.

Going for a one on one meeting from the get go tends to make things awkward and drive people away /thinking that all you care about is finding a partner and you are desperate.

Proving her that you are worth her love works in movies but not in real life

You want to "save" her? You make it sound like she's an object. It's like you think you have a better chance at this relationship as you can base it on something other than the usual relationship things you probably think you fail at, and instead can form the relationship by "fixing" her like you're solving a puzzle.

Women aren't there to be "saved", and how can you show her you're "the one" when you've met her twice? How can anyone be "the one" after two meetings? You prove things to people via actions...by doing. You prove your worth by being worthy. Earn he love? Again love isn't an object to be earned. You can't earn someone's love, they will only love you if you turn out to be the kind of person they want to fall in love with.

There are so many red flags in this post that highlight quite an unhealthy way to behave, and an unhealthy attitude toward women and relationships. IMHO.

Perhaps his attitude isn't entirely on the mark, but he's got the right idea in mind.

Truly, deep down I believe most people on this Earth can not go at life alone and need someone there for them, to support them and care for them.

I think more often than not many people claim to be completely happy single, if for a few months after a previous relationship ended, but a prolonged amount of time alone can cause deep loneliness, depression and suffering.

Not just this, but those that have struggled in life for a long time, while you shouldn't go on with the attitude that you should 'rescue' them, for some of them it would surely make their day, if someone were to simply talk or listen to them talk about their problems.

There's some people who've had 'hard lives' and consider romantic love a form of a lucky break, their moment, their time, when the world finally gave something back to them, and for this very reason they may value whatever lucky break they were given more than someone who is use to an easier and privileged life.

Of course, one is not 'entitled' to anything, but to have one of those moments where, after all the suffering, something positive finally happened, can mean so much.

It's the most tragic of all that plenty don't get their 'lucky break' and don't get to see the light of day, whether they're living in a third world nation and died of tragic means or someone who suffered several decades poor, ugly, miserably lonely, depressed, homeless, etc. before succumbing to death by a slow disease.

Whatever.

I may be exaggerating a little, but good on you OP for wanting to be a caring and supportive lover if this indeed does work out.

Good luck.

I don't think it's necessarily chauvinistic for a man to want to "save" a woman, honestly.

There's a "healing" instinct in women, too. They frequently want to "heal" men. Nothing wrong with that.

But, if a woman doesn't want to be "saved," the man has to respect that.

I don't understand your reasoning. The verb "to save" may be used to refer to either objects OR people. See here:

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/save

The OP wants to save the object of his affections. That is probably a sign that he wants to feel useful. Perhaps he wants to be somebody's hero. There is nothing wrong with that. It's a very common thing to want to feel useful to somebody. Wanting to help somebody doesn't mean you think of them as an object. On the contrary: it indicates that you care about them as a human being.



Not all people are the same, and people have different "styles" when it comes to love. Some people are hopeless romantics who rush into things headfirst and truly believe in love at first sight. Other people are incredibly cautious and logical. People all have different personalities. What might be "unhealthy" for one person may not be unhealthy for another.

You have quite a sensible view of love. Thumbhole.

I just think we have so, so much in common, and I could really be the one to help her overcome her struggles and be there for her. I just yearn to mean something to someone and I think she could be the one I'm meant for. I just wish I could see her more often. Only twice in almost four weeks. God I know I shouldn't be too aggressive, but she's so amazing that I can't imagine how she's single, and I'm afraid she'll choose someone else like has happened before, unless I prove it somehow or spend enough time with her.

I agree: twice in four weeks is really not that much. I would want to see my lady much more often!

Can I ask you a serious question, OP? Do you have any friends? (Friends don't include girls you're trying to date). Because I really think that's your problem.

Not many friends because I keep losing them all when they get married and have kids. I don't want/need any more friends that I'll just lose when they find someone else for whom they matter more than me. I want someone to love, and who loves me, and won't abandon me like my friends have done/do.

If this girl is depressed, the best thing you can do is patiently give her her space while showing her you're maintaining interest in a non-pressuring way. If you're developing chemistry, I think it's even appripriate to ask things like 'what's the best way for someone to treat you when you feel depressed?' Some people want a hug. Some people want someone to talk to. Some people want company who's content to sit and be comforting at a safe distance with words and a calm, reassuring presence, and some want to be left totally alone for a time... and many other possibilities.

I believe tastefully inquiring would show a genuine interest in being someone who would be accepting of a woman who struggles with depression. As a man who struggles with depression, it's always a worry of mine if I can find someone who will truly accept that part of me and be a help or at least neutral and not make things worse for me. Meeting someone who wants to know that part of me so they can comfort me would score alot of points in my book.

On the other hand, you must be very, very careful to not ever think you can 'fix' someone. You cannot. I assure you. What you can do is be a positive, encouraging influence in someone's life who makes them feel happy and good and motivated enough to fix themselves. But even expecting that is sketchy. If you ever meet someone who clearly displays a trait, expecting it will ever change or go away is foolish. Someone who's distant may always be distant. Someone emotionally unexpressive will likely remain as such to some degree. It's best to accept people for what they are when you find them while trying to make sure they don't display troublesome things that can cause hurt down the line when you're far more emotionally invested... making the hurt worse.

Chichikov is "virtue signaling", which is attempting earn browie points by nitpicking over any langague he thinks is not politically correct enough, to show how progressive he is.

What ever happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? Not judging people by impossible standards. That is right, only the virtuous can't be hypocrites, becuase they never ever try to control or run peoples lives

Last edited by 0_equals_true on 25 Sep 2016, 11:44 am, edited 1 time in total.