NT competitiveness and putting people down

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arachnids
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28 Sep 2016, 2:54 pm

I'm a pretty accepting person. I don't get envious of what others have. I don't feel the need to put others down or compare myself. If someone does well I'm happy for them etc.

When I have had a friend in the past, they've always managed to put me down, have sly digs, passive aggressively criticise me etc.

This has happened time and time again. I'm not good looking, rich, I don't drive a nice car. I'm very ordinary. I didn't even get to university.

Why be competitive towards me?

Why can't people just enjoy a friendship?

Why not be positive and accepting?

Autistic people are supposed to be the ones who have difficulty being social and communicating, yet the NTs seem to constantly feel the need to be rude and denigrate others, even friends :?

The cats and I just accept each other for who we are. They're my only friends now and provide mutual support and companionship 8O


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ASPartOfMe
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28 Sep 2016, 3:07 pm

Bieng competitive and putting people down while overlapping sometime is not the same thing. One can want to outdo another person but when the person outdoes you appreciate the skill of the other person but vow to do better.

Reading the PPR section should disuade a lot of people of the notion the competitiveness is an NT thing.


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arachnids
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28 Sep 2016, 3:11 pm

I don't want to be in a constant state of competition though :?


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SaveFerris
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28 Sep 2016, 3:48 pm

arachnids wrote:
I don't want to be in a constant state of competition though :?


I don't think everyone does it , it's usually insecure or nasty people. There are people out there who don't feel the need to do this , you probably have been very unlucky with the people in your life.


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BirdInFlight
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28 Sep 2016, 4:24 pm

Sly digs, put downs and passive aggressive behavior is not even exclusively the domain of NTs.

Taking just this site alone as an example, there is lots of that going on right here on WP and I mean from the people on the spectrum, not the NT members that are here. You'd be surprised how "sly dig" prone even the people with ASD are. This isn't just an NT thing.

It must be a "human" thing. All people are capable of wanting to make digs at others they've decided to dislike or don't care about the effect it has.


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28 Sep 2016, 6:57 pm

Regardless of being NT or autistic, putting people down is something that's only done by insecure people who want to feel better and validate themselves at the expense of others. Confident people don't need to put anyone down to feel confident about themselves.
Those who do it have a low self esteem or none at all.



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28 Sep 2016, 7:58 pm

Just guy things I guess, it was how I was raised, that's how interpret it but I have a bit of a competition in me along with enjoying banter here and there so maybe that's just me. There is a distinct difference between harmless banter back & forth and putting someone down maliciously however.



raisedbywookiees
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28 Sep 2016, 9:30 pm

About getting put down. There's a university and several elite private schools where I live. I liken it to Hogwarts, but without Gryffindor, Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw. Nothing is ever good enough, and there are derisive comments and invidious comparisons aplenty.

Encounters with these sorts of superficial, judgemental, snobbish people used to damage my calm, and I sometimes went to my supervillainous place, but I now try to mind my own business, and simply enjoy what I have and what I do without worrying about what others think or say. Sometimes easier said than done though.

Murphy said it best when he told Kaylee: "I don't abide useless people". Firefly EP4 Shindig.



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28 Sep 2016, 9:41 pm

I don't believe many women can really be friends - they are usually too jealous and competitive. That's why I have less than a handful of girlfriends.


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ashbashbeard
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28 Sep 2016, 9:46 pm

It's definitely not just an NT trait.



nurseangela
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28 Sep 2016, 9:49 pm

ashbashbeard wrote:
It's definitely not just an NT trait.


Are men "friends" like that too?


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ashbashbeard
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28 Sep 2016, 9:55 pm

Weirdly, yes. But I was referring to OP. Aspies can be and have been known to be competitive/begrudgers too. I've seen it a lot even on here.



nurseangela
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28 Sep 2016, 9:58 pm

For some reason I thought men might be different.


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28 Sep 2016, 10:54 pm

arachnids wrote:
I'm a pretty accepting person. I don't get envious of what others have. I don't feel the need to put others down or compare myself. If someone does well I'm happy for them etc.


It's unfair but sometimes the more accepting you are, and the kinder you are, the more nasty people will gravitate to you and try to put you down. People who act that way don't feel good about themselves and they look for situations where they can feel better. They like the feeling they get from being around someone who accepts them and can be happy for them. But they may not have it in them to reciprocate and be accepting and supportive of you in return, and they may be too insecure to even just hang out with you as a friend without trying to get the upper ground in some way.

Sometimes these people might actually WANT you to jab back at them and put them in their place, in a strange way they enjoy it, like a sport. Especially if you are usually really nice because sometimes they look at that as acting goody-goody and superior to them, and they take a kind of sick pleasure in trying to drag you down to their level and make you act the way they do. And if you don't stand up to them, they just look at it as an easy way to get a one-up on someone who doesn't fight back.



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29 Sep 2016, 12:14 am

As already said, you can be competitive without putting anyone down. I don't see anything wrong with competition; it's the way to get better.

On the other hand, being skilful at putting others down may be some people's way to succeed and improve their status—therefore a competitive advantage they shouldn't be expected to give up.


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29 Sep 2016, 12:37 am

I knew someone online who had a inferior complex so she had issues with low self esteem and jealousy so she felt the need to put others down whom she felt had it better than her. Then she decided she would start bragging and making up stories to make herself sound better and she was definitely heading for NPD but she acted better when she was on medicine for her Bipolar. But when she stopped taking it because she thought there was no change, she went back to this again and I had to quit talking to her because I couldn't take it anymore. Her telling me how I had to put up with it just because I'm aspie was the last straw. I also did try to make her feel better but she turned it around on me instead and twisted what I told her and made it out to be I was downplaying her feelings and stuff and she waited until the next day to tell me this so it was like she thought of what to say to me and come back and say it.

My ex boyfriend also had problems with his self esteem because he was always critical and couldn't be happy with what he had. He also felt the need to put people down and one time we were in a nice neighborhood and he said all these people were snobs. I asked him why and he said they lived in these nice homes so it made them snobs. He didn't make up any achievements or try and make himself sound better. He was just very critical of others. Said people were idiots or morons if they wore characters on their clothes. Said my parents spoiled me and let me get away with behaviors and gave up on me after the diagnoses and said they held me back. I think he was just upset his parents gave up on him and left it all up to the schools to handle him and the fact he was emancipated at 16 so he had to be an adult sooner. He also thought my parents should have made me feel bad and humiliated me for making inappropriate comments and thought it was wrong of my parents to say to me quietly "That was not socially appropriate." So that makes me wonder how he was raised and if that was how his parents handled it if he made any rude comments or said anything wrong out loud. He also said my school dumbed down my work and my mom told me that was an insult and she wanted to slap him for saying that. He didn't think I should have been on the honor roll or get a good grade because they "dumbed my work down" and didn't count it as me being intelligent. I know he dropped out but it was because of the bullying and he also struggled in school and only succeeded in math and computer classes. He probably didn't feel good that he dropped out and had troubles in school and I got the help I needed and finished high school so he had to find a reason to not count it. I had no idea it was insulting when he told me they dumbed my work down because I thought he meant they made it easier for me so I would be able to do it than struggle with it because it was too abstract. I still did the same school work as everyone else but it was modified. I wasn't given below grade level school work except for math and given an easier book to read that was middle school level than a complex book that is abstract. But lot of kids in English struggled with those books too so the teacher would sit in front of the class and tell us what is going on in the book and even my aide had to buy sparky notes because she also had difficulty with it. But why was it different for me is beyond me so I understood the dumbed down part when he said it.


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