HOW TO HANDLE MY AUTISTIC TEEN THAT REFUSES TO GO TO SCHOOL

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I am reading every reply. Thank you everyone!

Thanks, my brother somehow comes home every day, despite not being sick. He came home because, he was

The threat of a punishment, not only would not encourage me to try any harder, but also would make my performance anxiety much worse and make trying that much harder and more likely to fail.

I don't think you should punish your son.
His problems are beyond just not wanting to go to school.
While online school is a good idea to get an education, there is still the problem of severe anxiety.
Even with online school, I think your son, you, the school, and therapists still need to work on reducing the anxiety.
It is not a good long-term solution to create a safe bubble at home and let him live in it.
In that case, he could shrink into this bubble and have anxiety about everything outside it.
Perhaps one way forward is to allow online school for now, but with the expectation that he and his support system work hard on reducing anxiety with the goal of returning to school within some reasonable time period, like by 10th grade.
Overprotection is not a good idea in this case, it could worsen the problem.

Well if he is not attending school due to health issues which is what it sounds like, that doesn't sound like a case punishment would be useful. I mean if he was just ditching class or something then it would make sense to have consequences...but sounds like legitimate issues preventing him. I think suggestions of online school, homeschooling or some sort of school for people with conditions like aspergers would likely be much more useful. If he is worried about punishment for not going to school...he'd probably end up forcing himself to go or trying harder to just tough it out which would likely just increase his stress and anxiety levels and in turn the stomach issues.

If you want to try some more gentle behaviorism (punishment is behaviorism) you can try positive reinforcement. That basically means you offer a reward for the behavior you are looking for.

Here's the thing though - the thing he's earning has to be extra. It can't be something that is central to his well being. And when I say that, I mean from his point of view. Here's an example. When I was a kid, I got to go to the kindergarten to help out. It was the only time in my whole life that I was seen as helpful, and I wasn't getting picked on. I loved it. When it was taken away from me, I went into a meltdown where I couldn't stop crying for days. Nobody understood. To them, kindergarten helper was an extra. To me, it was my only lifeline. So, its really important to choose positive reinforcers carefully. They should be motivating, but not essential to well being.

So, to use a positive reinforcer, you choose the reward and you choose a reasonable goal. For example, a trip out to the planetarium would have served for me as a kid. Then you choose a reasonable goal - say, going to school 10 times. You give the kid a point every time he goes into the school. You never take away points and you don't make him start again. He can't loose. He can only win more slowly. When he gets to 10 points, you go to the planetarium, no matter what else is going on. You go because what you are really communicating to him is that his progress is important to you.

Its just a thought. Stuff like this is not going to get a really anxious kid to turn around instantly. In fact, if it does, its not the right program. What it can do is reframe him as a partner in working on the goal, instead of the bad kid who won't do what is right. (Who doesn't want to go to the planetarium? Not I!) Done right, its a way of getting him on board approaching his own anxiety, and a way for you to acknowledge how hard it is for him, and how hard he's working at it.

Also, if you start to get the parent guilt trip thing going, you can tell people that he's on a positive behavior plan and that studies show these to be more effective on children than punishments. (And you wouldn't be lying. I don't have them on hand, but there are studies like this.)

Thank you everyone!

I also vote no for punishment. That will only make his anxiety worse. He might stop trusting you if you decide to go the punishment route.

As a "mild" autistic who happens to have some teaching experience,
I would say, don't punish him for not going to a regular school.
He's got a diagnosis, he's on medication ...
Obviously, the anxiety is real,
you say you can observe it yourself.

Finding an alternative type of schooling seems best.

That's why you need a MAJUSCULAR punishment for not going, to make sure the balance of fear pushes them to go to school, not to stay at home.

I have also been having really bad anxiety issues so far this year. Like you say, bad stomach ache. And I even go to a school for autism. I don't know what it is causing it other than generalized anxiety disorder, which I have been diagnosed with. For this year hybrid schooling had been set up for me. 4 days in the building and Friday online schooling. But I have had to stay home a few extra days and do things online. My dad would never punish me for this. But he is strict and firm with me overall in a positive way.

My heart goes out to you, hugs.

Please don't punish him.

Depending on where in the world u are located, find alternatives.

Kiddo loves everything computer related and theater. Recently discovered Musically, that is an app where facial and hands expression is combined with music.
And does tons of online coding courses.
So we try to encourage innate strengths especially anything that is really hands-on and involves some kind of body movement or motor skills.
I take him for walks in nature at least 3 times a week.

We also encourage stimming and complementary sensory fun aids. Sometimes we make our own, sometimes a hug is enough. Anything to get that anxiety down before the discovery of self medication like alcohol and cannabis.

Ow, we all use SAM, that is an app that deals with stress and anxiety management. It's got pretty colors and kiddo loves it.

hth

I would also vote for no punishment, and online classes sound like a very good solution.

I can think of a couple of books you might find interesting, to read..um.. in your spare time
- Grace Llewellyn, this is a book for teenagers to read themselves, a bit dated but brilliant for inspiration about how to homeschool and find a direction in life, lots of practical advice too,
- Alfie Kohn, he talks a lot about school, grades, punishing and rewarding, and competition and their effects, VERY interesting reading for the modern parent since we're confronted with so much pressure!

You sound anyway like you're a great parent, and like you really understand and love your son. Very much good luck to you!

Sorry I should add, I'm the parent of an autistic boy who's younger than yours, but we're now homeschooling and after 1.5 years it's going better than I would have ever imagined. I just read the post about isolation, and yes friendships are important. But there are many ways to find and nurture friendships that do not involve going to school, in our case, frankly much better ways as our son was being bullied and he withdrew into himself. He's now a totally changed boy. Carefree, sociable, full eye contact.. even with kids he's just met, in some cases!! He's learning and speaking the local language, having had a total block about it ever since he began nursery school. We also spend lots of time in nature, with our animals, and reading.. i think these things are important to him for inner tranquillity. I reckon once he's feeling fine inside (which needs healing time, and parental patience!), learning and friendships would come naturally..

Last edited by katy_rome on 30 Sep 2016, 3:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I was taken out of public school at the end of Grade 1 because I would severely meltdown every single day. From Grade 2-8 I was homeschooled, and then from Grade 9-12 I was at a public high school. I...well, it really wasn't a good environment for me, and I didn't like it. Now I'm at university, and I'm sort of feeling the same way.

Hello. I wouldn't feel punishment is the answer, like other people said. But I know sometimes that may be the only answer. I would only go this route if you have tried every other thing first though. Before people get mad at me, I say this (and this is an example, and will not work for everyone) because my soon-to-be stepbrother also have ASD - level 1. And he loves flying, specifically flight simulators. He plays it all the time. But since he does this so much, he doesn't want to do school and "forgets" (purposely leaves) homework at school. So his mom tried positive reinforcement. What she did was told him that if he did all this school work for like a month or whatever, she would pay for him to do a $400+ course about flying and in the end of the course, he would be able to help fly a plane. But even though he loves flying and really wanted to do this, he didn't care about school so he didn't do his work and didn't do it, so he didn't get his course.

For me, which I have anxiety and ASD, punishment makes me really anxious because I feel like a failure and that I'm not trying hard enough. I have high standards for myself and not doing something right and getting punished for it makes me have higher standards.

I also have physical symptom anxiety. Mine specifically comes out as headaches and panic attacks. You should try to figure out what makes him anxious that causes the anxiety. Like, what exactly about school causes the anxiety? Is it all the people? Is it doing something wrong and the fear of failure causes anxiety? Is it the people? You can get stuff based on this reason.

As an example, if it's the people, you could get added that he takes a bus filled with less people if he takes the bus. Or that he comes to class a bit late and leaves a bit early to avoid crowds.

If it's the fear of failure, you can do it that he is marked more on the process of getting the answer instead of the answer if it's like math. Or if it's social failure, then do some social scripts or have all the teachers that your son interacts with know how autism affects social aspect.

Or if it's sensory issues, use noise-cancelling headphones or have the class turn off half the lights in the room so it's not as bright.

Some of these I'm thinking of on the spot. If you need more help in terms of school, just reply or PM me. I am interested in this stuff and will help for it for sure. I'm in the same situation as you son is. I have autism and anxiety and school is hard for me too, especially the anxiety aspect. Hope this helps

Thank you for this response. Sounds very similiar to my son with the GAD.