How to send the first message?

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ThisAdamGuy
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14 Oct 2016, 10:00 am

Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend. I'm on several dating sites, but nobody ever seems to respond to my messages. Maybe it's how I'm initiating the conversation. I'll read their profile, and then incorporate something I saw in it into the message. It usually goes something like, "Hi, [Name]. You sound like a really cool woman. My name's Adam. I'd really like to get to know you. Your profile says you like [thing]. Who/what is your favorite [thing]?" I might add, "I like [thing] too! My favorite [thing] is [other thing]."

Is that too boring to reply to? I only message women I have common interests with, so I figure the best way to break the ice is to bring up a subject of mutual interest and get them talking about it, and then move on to more personal stuff later. Except, it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to start sweet talking them right off the bad? Because if that's the case, I may as well give up right now.


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whatamievendoing
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14 Oct 2016, 10:59 am

From my own experience, I'd suggest keeping it as simple as "Hi, how are you?" or along those lines. That tends to work best.


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ThisAdamGuy
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14 Oct 2016, 11:05 am

You sure? From what I've heard, women can receive dozens of messages a day, and the ones that just say "Hi," Hey," "Hey, how are you?" have nothing to catch their eye and are thrown right out.


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Spiderpig
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14 Oct 2016, 12:15 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend.


I think that in itself is the greatest turnoff.


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ThisAdamGuy
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14 Oct 2016, 12:43 pm

Spiderpig wrote:
ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend.


I think that in itself is the greatest turnoff.


I'm sorry?


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sly279
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14 Oct 2016, 1:20 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
You sure? From what I've heard, women can receive dozens of messages a day, and the ones that just say "Hi," Hey," "Hey, how are you?" have nothing to catch their eye and are thrown right out.


They also get tons of long messages. They'll look at your thumbnail and if you aren't good looking enough. Never read the message if you are they'll read your profile and if you aren't good enough never read your message.

It's a wast of time to send longer custom messages to hundreds of women most of whom won't even read them. If your attractive and they like your profile then just a hi would be enough.



BombChel534
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14 Oct 2016, 1:24 pm

Honestly what you described has always been my sort of method as well. Pick something common that you both like that you see from her profile, and maybe try to strike up a conversation about it. I absolutely hate getting messages that are just 'hey' or whatever, because it has zero substance and doesn't give you anything to respond to.

Perhaps the problem is something else? It's kind of unfortunate but you have to make sure that you 'market' yourself well on your own profile, and definitely read hers before you message. The whole thing. She might have already stated on there why she's not gonna respond.

sly279 wrote:
They also get tons of long messages. They'll look at your thumbnail and if you aren't good looking enough. Never read the message if you are they'll read your profile and if you aren't good enough never read your message.

It's a wast of time to send longer custom messages to hundreds of women most of whom won't even read them. If your attractive and they like your profile then just a hi would be enough.


This is pretty true too; keep it short, just like I said don't just say hi. I can't tell you how annoying that is, but that might be my ASD stuff talking.

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Spiderpig wrote:
ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend.


I think that in itself is the greatest turnoff.


I'm sorry?


I think Spiderpig is just being rude. Every single person I've dated I met online in some fashion, it's not something to be ashamed of.



Alliekit
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14 Oct 2016, 1:46 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend. I'm on several dating sites, but nobody ever seems to respond to my messages. Maybe it's how I'm initiating the conversation. I'll read their profile, and then incorporate something I saw in it into the message. It usually goes something like, "Hi, [Name]. You sound like a really cool woman. My name's Adam. I'd really like to get to know you. Your profile says you like [thing]. Who/what is your favorite [thing]?" I might add, "I like [thing] too! My favorite [thing] is [other thing]."

Is that too boring to reply to? I only message women I have common interests with, so I figure the best way to break the ice is to bring up a subject of mutual interest and get them talking about it, and then move on to more personal stuff later. Except, it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to start sweet talking them right off the bad? Because if that's the case, I may as well give up right now.


I always found the 'hey I saw your interested in this on your profile' followed up by a question to do with the interest a good message to receive. It's short sweet and easy to answer. Sometimes wit multiple questions it was like sending people back a list of my answers.

I wouldnt answer your own question otherwise they cant ask you the same question back :)

Too be completely honest you have to be online dating for a while sometimes before really getting the hang of it.

Little tip on some sites you appear at tops of lists when you update your profile or answer questions so regular (but not too regular) updates and question answers mean you show up more to other people ;)



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14 Oct 2016, 1:52 pm

Hm. I'm pretty far from the most experienced on dating sites, but from what I've done using them on-and-off for a few years:

The messages you've described do sound a little rigid and overly formal. And you're right that "hi" won't really catch anyone's attention if they get a lot of messages, it comes off as boring. I'd spark a conversation based on one of the interests she lists. For example, one girl I was talking with a few weeks ago said she loved The Office. So, I started with a Michael Scott quote. Another had a famous poet's name as her username, so after my "hey" I went "Byron and Shelley > (her favorite poet). :wink:" That lets her know it's an interest of mine too, and that I can talk about it.

Also don't be afraid to be humorous, playfulness helps with getting a reply. Or ask a question, like Alliekit said above.


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kraftiekortie
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14 Oct 2016, 1:54 pm

That's excellent advice. Ask somebody about what they are interested in.

If it's an esoteric interest, that's even more incentive to ask. You're guaranteed a response if a woman, say, is interested in the Civil War, and you ask about a certain battle.



Dr.Pepper
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21 Oct 2016, 6:35 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
You sure? From what I've heard, women can receive dozens of messages a day, and the ones that just say "Hi," Hey," "Hey, how are you?" have nothing to catch their eye and are thrown right out.


This is correct.



Dr.Pepper
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21 Oct 2016, 6:43 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend. I'm on several dating sites, but nobody ever seems to respond to my messages. Maybe it's how I'm initiating the conversation. sh profile, and then incorporate something I saw in it into the message. It usually goes something like, "Hi, [Name]. You sound like a really cool woman. My name's Adam. I'd really like to get to know you. Your profile says you like [thing]. Who/what is your favorite [thing]?" I might add, "I like [thing] too! My favorite [thing] is [other thing]."

Is that too boring to reply to? I only message women I have common interests with, so I figure the best way to break the ice is to bring up a subject of mutual interest and get them talking about it, and then move on to more personal stuff later. Except, it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to start sweet talking them right off the bad? Because if that's the case, I may as well give up right now.


Send her a terrible joke-- a real groaner. It will be so bad she will laugh and reply to tell you how horrible it was. Try this and come back and tell us about your results.



Dr.Pepper
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21 Oct 2016, 6:55 pm

Dr.Pepper wrote:
ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend. I'm on several dating sites, but nobody ever seems to respond to my messages. Maybe it's how I'm initiating the conversation. sh profile, and then incorporate something I saw in it into the message. It usually goes something like, "Hi, [Name]. You sound like a really cool woman. My name's Adam. I'd really like to get to know you. Your profile says you like [thing]. Who/what is your favorite [thing]?" I might add, "I like [thing] too! My favorite [thing] is [other thing]."

Is that too boring to reply to? I only message women I have common interests with, so I figure the best way to break the ice is to bring up a subject of mutual interest and get them talking about it, and then move on to more personal stuff later. Except, it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to start sweet talking them right off the bad? Because if that's the case, I may as well give up right now.


Send her a terrible joke-- a real groaner. It will be so bad she will laugh and reply to tell you how horrible it was. Try this and come back and tell us about your results.


Here are some good ones:

You hear the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water?
No?
Well, well, well...

Where does the king keep his armies?
Up his sleevies.

How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it.

A man walks into the doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his bum.
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeez, it looks like we have one hell of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."



I_Heart_Unicorns
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26 Oct 2016, 10:25 am

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
Online dating is pretty much my only hope for ever getting a girlfriend. I'm on several dating sites, but nobody ever seems to respond to my messages. Maybe it's how I'm initiating the conversation. I'll read their profile, and then incorporate something I saw in it into the message. It usually goes something like, "Hi, [Name]. You sound like a really cool woman. My name's Adam. I'd really like to get to know you. Your profile says you like [thing]. Who/what is your favorite [thing]?" I might add, "I like [thing] too! My favorite [thing] is [other thing]."

Is that too boring to reply to? I only message women I have common interests with, so I figure the best way to break the ice is to bring up a subject of mutual interest and get them talking about it, and then move on to more personal stuff later. Except, it doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? Am I supposed to start sweet talking them right off the bad? Because if that's the case, I may as well give up right now.


Well no offence, but your replies come across to me as stilted and formulaic. (As mine would too if I bothered with online dating -- which I don't). I'd guess that the women you're contacting are picking up on this stiltedness and so are not replying as a result. I could be wrong, but that's how it comes across to me. Ask other people to double check, what the hell do I know?


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