I wish I had a gun so I could shoot myself in the head

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androbot01
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17 Oct 2016, 4:12 pm

I can't stand being in my body anymore. Everything hurts. Physically and emotionally. I think I've done everything I can to make things better; it's just not going to happen.

I don't want to go to an afterlife or be reincarnated or whatever; I just want to not exist anymore. It's nothing but painfully passing time waiting to die. It occurs to me that there is probably nothing wrong with committing suicide; it's just frowned upon socially for whatever reason, but this is not particularly motivating.

It's just one failure after another. And I know why. I used to think I was conspired against by some cosmic retributive force, but it's nothing so fancy; I'm just defective. And there are no more patches to update me.

I am fairly certain that my neighbours are gun carrying folks; mainly because of the high volume of illegal drugs available here. The guy across the hall is dealing meth. It's like Walmart over there. A constant flow of people, even in the night.

It also occurred to me that I could become a hard drug user, but I've been an alcoholic and it all ends up the same way - with me throwing up for hours. I don't want that anymore; I just want to be gone.



sly279
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17 Oct 2016, 4:54 pm

Hugs



Raleigh
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17 Oct 2016, 4:59 pm

I can relate.
There's a whole guilt complex in the West around committing suicide that doesn't exist in other cultures.
Here it is considered a heinous sin.
People who commit suicide are viewed as weak and selfish.
In the East, they become martyrs.

Guns are messy though.
My polite consideration for others would preclude splattering my brains on the wall for others to clean up.


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androbot01
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17 Oct 2016, 5:16 pm

sly279 wrote:
Hugs

Hugs

Raleigh wrote:
My polite consideration for others would preclude splattering my brains on the wall for others to clean up.

Oh I would for sure go out to the woods. That way animals could feed on me.



Raleigh
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17 Oct 2016, 5:32 pm

^ oh, well, that's alright then :P

Love you, Anne.


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BirdInFlight
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17 Oct 2016, 5:38 pm

(((cyber hugs)))

I'm sorry to hear how bad things are feeling.


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androbot01
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17 Oct 2016, 5:52 pm

Hugs and love. xo

My thinking is this: I first considered death as an option over thirty years ago and I have always hesitated to do anything final because of two things: the upset it would cause to family and the hope that things would get better. So, the only family I have left is my Mom and she doesn't have much of a clue what's going on. And for the second, I think I have reached my plateau both chemically and with cognitive therapy.
It's not that I think that world has nothing to offer; it's that I think the world has nothing to offer me, and this is because of my failings.
I feel like I'm in a defective machine and I can't make it work. Why should I stay and watch from the sidelines all the while feeling the pain of not belonging.
With this in mind I am going to implement Plan Alpha. I will snoop around the building. The dealers are friendly because they view me as a potential customer, which I suppose I am. Anyway, I'm sure I will be able to procure a gun within 2 months.
Funny thing is, I really like my building. No one has been unfriendly to me. The police are here every day or so, but that's mostly because of the mentally challenged freaking out in the parking lot. The drug people are cool.
Anyway, I am going to aim to take my trip to the woods sometime around Christmas. I just have to figure out what to do with my cats.



kraftiekortie
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17 Oct 2016, 6:33 pm

Did any particular thing trigger this?

If we lost you, we would lose a valuable member of this community.



androbot01
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17 Oct 2016, 6:35 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
If we lost you, we would lose a valuable member of this community.

Thanks kraftie, but change is constant.



kraftiekortie
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17 Oct 2016, 6:46 pm

I absolutely agree we live in a world of dynamism.

I still wish you didn't leave that historic apartment.



androbot01
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17 Oct 2016, 6:48 pm

If wishes were fishes I'd have an ocean of friends.



kraftiekortie
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17 Oct 2016, 6:52 pm

I have many, many unfulfilled dreams, too.



kraftiekortie
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17 Oct 2016, 7:00 pm

Even though you can be a real pain in the tuchus sometimes, I still don't want you to go.



rats_and_cats
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17 Oct 2016, 7:02 pm

Have you called a helpline? Seen a therapist? I'm crap at helping people but there are people who would be completely heartbroken if you died. Even complete strangers. Depression can make you forget that. I used to want to kill myself as well, and I got as far as trying to figure out how to tie a noose before cursing my low ceiling. Looking back, my death would have hurt a lot of people. My parents, siblings, some of my teachers, even a few of the kids I went to school with even though most of them hated me. I couldn't think of any of that when I had depression. It would not allow me to. Everything beyond the possibility of death was a fog. But that didn't mean it didn't exist.
My friend who killed herself last year probably thought nobody would care if she was gone, but I still avoid the part of campus where her memorial tree was planted.



androbot01
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17 Oct 2016, 7:23 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Even though you can be a real pain in the tuchus sometimes, I still don't want you to go.

Lol

rats_and_cats wrote:
My friend who killed herself last year probably thought nobody would care if she was gone, but I still avoid the part of campus where her memorial tree was planted.

Sorry about your friend.

I'm past the point of caring if anyone cares. I feel good about this decision. It may be tricky to get the gun, but at least I'm in the right place.
It occurs to me that my Mom will probably go to live with my Uncle (her younger brother,) and she will enjoy his company more than mine. And she will take the cats with her. So clear on that front.

I feel almost giddy at the prospect of freedom from this hell.



BeaArthur
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17 Oct 2016, 7:57 pm

What has happened recently to you?

You started a new job. How's that going?


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