Please Provide Insight Into Aspie BFs Decisions

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Hello everyone! I hope you are all well today. I don't know if I'm posting in the right section, so if I am not, please send me in the right direction.

Without making this too long, I am a neurotypical who has been in a relationship with a male with Aspergers for the past 5 months. I am his longest relationship, but he has only had a few before me. He says I'm the first to stick by him & deal with his many quirks. He was the first to tell me he loves me, & pursued the relationship with me. However, I also knew in the beginning of the relationship that he was still missing an ex from a year ago. They only lasted under 2 months, she was very mean to him, couldn't handle his immaturity & said no grown man acts like him, left him, & he stalked her for a year, and she threatened to press charges wanting nothing to do with him. He stalked her until he met me, & claimed that I helped him forget about her & get over her. I actually did believe this, atleast for the most part; I knew he would probably still have some feelings for her as most people do for their exes and/or first relationships, & that is normal for anyone.

However to make a long story very short, he broke up with me Sunday, claiming he had enough of himself & needed therapy for his many addictions. Namely, porn/sex addictions, & addictions to following many random girls online daily. He is highly impulsive. He has no self control, & gropes himself & me constantly. When we are together, all he thinks about is sex & all he wants to do even while watching a movie. He also suspects he has mutiple personalities & has been suicidal many times in the past because of these things. He said that he could not be faithful to anybody (although not psychically, he has enough self control to not go out & cheat, but that he can't stop messaging random girls online), and never was, & needs a psychiatrist. He told me he loves me very much & will come back after he gets help & that I am who he wants to be with.

Last night a conversation came up about his ex, & he completely shut down & withdrew from me. Turns out, after much probing since he did not want to talk to me, today he admitted he broke up with me because he is missing his ex. He says he loves me, misses me, & still has feelings for me, & that he knows it's pointless because she hates him, but that he misses her & asked me how he could find her & be with her. He seems to have no remorse over how I am feeling about this, & I told him I will let him go but that I do not understand how he could leave me for someone who he knows hates him & wants nothing to do with him just because he misses her, even though he "loves" me. Maybe I am naive, but I do believe he loves me still.

To be honest, I know this should make sense to me, but it doesn't. I thought he was really into me, but one conversation about her & he's gone off to look for her, okay with leaving me behind. I believe she was one of his obsessions, & I was stupid for thinking he could love me just as much as he loved her.

Can anybody give me an aspie insight into what is going on with this seemingly sudden decision? I do recognize that maybe it is not sudden and he has felt this along, but I honestly did not expect this. He knows how much I love him when she does not, so how could he throw me to the side like this? Especially recognizing I am the only one who ever stood by him with his conditions? I really did believe he loved me & just needed help with his addictions.

Is there any chance of him realizing what he may be doing, & come back to me? Maybe miss me as well? Could this be a product of him impulsivity & needing instant gratification? Or am I just being a silly NT?

Thank you everyone. I appreciate any feedback you can give.

All I'm thinking is that you've dodged a bullet!

He has a history of stalker behaviour, sex addictions, 'online' stalks random girls whilst in a relationship that he claims to be one involving 'love', and has no self-control?

You've only been in the relationship for five months. Run the other way.

Thank you very much for your insight. Unfortunately it hasn't been easy for me, because I did genuinely fall in love with this man. I accepted the above things because I honesty thought they were products of his aspergers, because they all seem to boil down to one thing: sex. I thought this could be one of his aspie addictions/obsessions. I also know that sometimes they can get obsessed with people, & I thought his ex was one of those obsessions, but that he was over it. Turns out I guess not & I really was stupid. However I really am honestly very confused. He had been very adamant about keeping me, & needing help, & that he would definitely be with me once he got help. I did not expect him to all of a sudden run after his ex today? This is what has me most confused & broken-hearted. Thank you.

Run girl, run! This is some sort of obsessive compulisive behaviour, that is not in line with Aspergres sindrome. What makes you think he has that? What makes you believe he loves you when hes thinking about that other girl?

My understanding is that relationship is a precursor to a new family and as such, it has to be strong, not flawless, but it has to be stable. But then again, who am I to give relationship advice? Never had a girlfriend and suspect that I never will. But seriously - what you described does not sound like Aspergers sindrome. Aspergers people tend to be very withdrawn from emotions, which is contrary to what you described.

Hope you find somebody better suited to you.

He just sent me a text saying "I am not going back to her. I am at work I'll talk to you later." Wtf?? This is the most confusing person I have ever come across, & I am wondering for many many reasons if there is more than just aspergers going on here.

Lol! Your response made me laugh, & actually feel better. Thank you for that. You are very correct on what a relationship is all about, & they are usually very lovely, so I do hope for the day you get to enjoy one, & I'm sure you will!! !

The truth is he IS very withdrawn to emotions, he has a very hard time displaying them & talking about them. He can actually pick up on my emotions if I am obvious about them, & ask me what is wrong. But he cannot have a response for them for long without shutting down completely. He shuts down very, very easily.

Another thing he will do during conversation is flip-flop all over the place. You can tell he is truly confused in his head. He'll say, "oh, I love this! No wait I hate it. I want this! No wait I don't want this." Wish I could think of actual examples. Wait I sort of can. Once he broke up with me back in August bc I told him I wanted to move to Virginia. He got very depressed & he broke up with me, dropped me off, then called me 5 minutes later freaking out about what he did saying he did not mean it, it's not what he wants, he wants me & us. He started crying & everything about how much he loves me. Another time we were in the car discussing his addictions to social media & I was telling him why following other girls when you're in a relationship is inappropriate & that it would cause the relationship not to work out. He goes "so this won't work out. Okay!" Pause... "I think this will work out, what do you think?" Then he went back & forth in his head, I could see it was very difficult for him processing, & he kept going "this won't work out! This will work out. This won't work out? No it'll work out whatcha think? I think it'll work out."

He has cried over his social media & girl addictions, promising he would try so hard to stop. MEANWHILE in the actual middle of following a handful of girls! I would say why are you doing it literally in the middle of while you are saying you will stop? Then he would say he is so mad at himself & say "I'm addicted to pretty faces! I want to stop! I need a psychiatrist!" & shut down & not talk anymore. He would also blame it on multiple personalities, that there is a voice in his ear saying follow them, don't follow them. Be faithful, don't be faithful, be faithful!

I don't know why I believe he loves me, I guess I just believed his words & his actions, especially when we first started dating. In September he lost his job & I think his sanity lol. He withdrew a lot & didn't want to do much of anything anymore.

He is very, very, very in need of INSTANT gratification & compulsions. When he wants something, he must have it now. I suspect that is why he missed her & all of a sudden was ready to run off & find her, going against everything he has said our whole entire relationship, even though it's short. He is very obsessed with social media. He has 3 iPhones he switches between if the battery goes. 2 apple watches. All of the Apple products. This is a little strange because he will spend grand amounts on these products when he does not have the money. & who has 3 phones? He could love something, buy it on a Tuesday & be absolutely in love with it, then ready to sell it on Thursday for something else. Most of his communication issues do line up with Aspergers, I would be happy to explain that if anyone needs to know, but if this is not aspergers related, what else could it be?

Last edited by Bellabowsx3 on 26 Oct 2016, 2:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I am yet to see if a relationship brings happiness, but until such time I remain suspicious.
If a person is all about instant gratification, you should think very well before getting in a relationship. Might be a history of drugs. My late father was like that and it did not end well for him, or his family. Seeing how he lived, people really do not change, unfortionately. Instead they pretend to have changed until they pretend no more.

We all have two general ways to make decisions in life:
* Rational, logical approach
* Emotional, impulsive approach

I would advise you to be very very cautious and not to trust him, or your own feelings.

The one thing I know it isn't is drugs, he barely even drinks. He is against both as is his very strict family. He is very childish, laughs at innappropriate times-like when he gets caught- & this past weekend we were talking & he goes "I don't like your ex boyfriend." I said why? He said "I just don't." & started laughing. I know it is actually because he is jealous of the relationship we had, he told me that in the beginning. I asked him why he laughed. He goes really loud "cuz I'm awkward as f*ckkkkkk!" Yesterday I said that I think there is something odd about his behavior now & he says "Okay, im gay!" It was a very serious conversation & not the time for jokes. He makes very inappropriate & rude comments, & has been kicked out of school for making fun of all his classmates on Twitter. He does have some very normal days though, & I think it's those days that I held on to. But you never know which personality you will get with him. When it's one of those good days, he is so awesome, fun & loving. He makes me dinner & does cute things like making a burger patty into a heart. There are many good things about him, especially on rare occasions he is able to all of a sudden open up & a rush of emotions & feelings comes out. He told me all of these qualities he loves about me during one of the times, & I didn't even think he was capable of it honestly. I was very shocked. Also it's interesting to me that he really does understand his behavior is very weird & different or innappropriate compared to others. When he notices, he goes straight into shut down & has started talking suicide. That concerned me greatly. I know he is always hurting greatly inside. Why he won't go to actually get help, I do not understand? His mom has to make all of his appointments for him, his brother fills out his job applications, & his mother refuses to let him go to the doctor because he wants to try medication for these issues. He needs therapy as well though. She denies it & I think she is part of the problem!

Also, he is very very good at lying! He says he learned it from a young child to get out of trouble & couldn't stop. From what I have read aspies can't lie, but I know there are exceptions. Sometimes I think he is actually believing the lies, because of how back & forth he is with things. His memory is also terrible. He really thinks he dated this one girl for 5 months, when it was only 2. I think it is the stalking that made him think he was still in the relationship when he wasn't.

But yes he is definitely the emotional, impulsive approach. I rarely see the rational, logical approach, although it is there sometimes especially on "good" days. If this does not sound like aspergers to you, do you have any other suggestions? Thank you sincerely, you are a big help!

According to my understanding and experience with Aspergers, what you described is about as far from it as you could get.
I wonder how a person like that even got in a relationship in the first place.
Really got nothing more to say apart from wishing you all the best

Okay, thank you for your help. I appreciate it. I wish you the best as well!

Hello Bellabowsx3.

I'm usually able to put certain aspie-related behaviours into a different light, or present an alternative point of view. However, I find myself in agreement with the previous posters; aside from the difficulties with emotions and obsessive behaviours, this doesn't really sound like an aspie. Certainly not Aspergers alone, in any case. Now, I'm not a psych professional, and I can only speak to AS from my own personal experience, so I won't suggest what else he might possibly have. But the constellation of flakiness, high impulsivity, need for instant gratification, various obsessive behaviours, ease of lying (a skill I acquired late, and use reluctantly) and possible self-delusions suggests to me one bottom line; you should not trust him.

That being said, I wish you good luck, and all the best.

Save your love for someone that can love you back (not just someone who says they love you). Forgetting all about Aspergers, relationships 101 says to not get involved with people still hung up on their ex.

autism does not = crazy. Autism does not cause stalking. There is a difference between being emotionally disconnected and just being an as*hole.

I think this guy is not only autistic, but has a significant number of loose or missing screws as well.

Stay away and hope he doesn't decide to stalk you too. He's probably harmless but I'm creeped out already.

If I started telling you about all the women who have ditched me because they thought I was weird we'd be here all day. We get dumped a lot. We get used to it.

There is a difference between understanding somebody and loving them, and putting up with s**t that is above and beyond the call of duty. Let's say that his behaviors are no more his fault than a blind person is at fault for being blind, nonetheless, these are excessive, scary behaviors.

Let's say they find out there is a gene that makes people serial killers. Would you date a serial killer because "It's not his fault"?

I mean, come on.

I wouldn't continue that relationship...I myself dated a guy who ended up breaking up with me because he still had feelings for some other girl he wasn't even sure he'd have a chance with or not, and supposedly she had strung him along before. But yeah apparently she contacted him and he picked longing over her and maybe re-attempting a relationship with her over being in a relationship with me. I mean of course it was upsetting but I was glad he was honest about it and didn't in turn string me along for any longer.

I mean doesn't matter now am in a pretty good relationship with someone now...but yeah I think if someone can't let go of feelings for someone else then it can wreck the relationship and there isn't much you can do about it because they feel how they feel. I just feel like you're more likely to get hurt and upset in that relationship than be happy in it. It's awesome you want to keep an open mind and not just break up with someone because they aren't perfectly normal...but I worry his particular behavior could effect you negatively to. I mean maybe if he gets some help perhaps someday it could work if you and him are open for a relationship at that point...but I wouldn't base my life around it if I were you.