Question about Aspergers and religion or lack thereof.

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I am a 45-year female Aspie and after growing up in a fundamental ultra holiness church, at the age of 39 I finally realized and admitted to myself I no longer believed and questioned if I ever truly believed in the first place. I struggled with the combination of my beliefs and me being lesbian and realized nothing made sense.
Lately, I have really struggled with this need to be able to believe, maybe it is because of societal pressure but I don't ever see that happening and it has really sent me into a depression because I am feeling like something is wrong with me. Why would I long to be a part of a belief system that no longer makes any logical sense to me and that has caused me so much heartache when I was a part of it?

I hope my ramblings make sense.

Tricia

Maybe it's because it gave you a sense of community? I imagine that's one lingering problem for apostates.

i guess a sense of community is pretty much the whole purpose of organized religion once it's no longer a political system, and probably the main factor behind the way how everything about it is shaped

those who don't have a reason to question their belief will simply not question it. the contradictions aren't a problem for them, as they are merely philosophical. the shared belief in things that are contradictory or even nonsensical for outsiders is actually an integral part of how the community if formed. it's largely defined by the willingness to suspend both individual are broader critical thinking for the sake of fitting in, and it separates insiders from outsiders (making it a well-defined group)

but then, for those who do have concrete reasons to question their belief, it's a problem. unless they have another community they can rely on (or have some other way how they can be accepted by or receive support from their original community)

I do think that the longing to be able to believe is a lot to do with the sense of community it held. While I am involved in the local secular community, it is just not the same. I am hoping this is just a period of life I need to get through and done with.

i think it's not entirely different from a relationship with a close friend or a romantic partner that you end up losing at some point. you get used to the sense that there's someone there for you regardless if they're physically present or not. and then they're not there anymore, and it makes you feel like part of you is missing (because your sense of their company existed as part of yourself). it takes time to get used to the new reality, but if you're being constructive with your life despite the pain, then, in time, it will take its course and you will heal

Too many churchgoers want to force what should be accepted willingly. As they push and push, they remain blind to the fact that those on whom they push "glory" and "salvation" are facing an increasing desire to be left alone.

Don't worry, though, God and nature don't play that game. They make no mistakes and accept everyone without the criticism of others.

Why would I long to be a part of a belief system that no longer makes any logical sense to me and that has caused me so much heartache when I was a part of it?

What you are experiencing is sadly all too common. After 2,000 years there have been many and various additions and expansions on Christianity. When someone raised in one of the many distorted Christian systems discoverers that what they have been told is not entirely correct, they can experience quite a crisis of faith.

Consider that it did not take 2,000 years to get to this point. The first letter to the church at Corinth is almost a list of problems they were having. The church at Galatia was starting to turn toward legalism and following a path that leads to where the Pharisees ended up. The letter to the seven churches in Revelation addresses many of the problems they were having.

What you are probably experiencing is a heartfelt longing for your Savior. The difficulty is that there is so much misinformation, distortion, and even intentional deception, that the truth can be difficult to find. You might want to follow the path of the Bereans and compare what you read against what the Bible says. As a Christian, you have the Spirit of truth within you. You are able to ask God to give you wisdom and discernment such that you can wade through all the baloney and begin to piece together what is really true.

Here is one web site that has some information that might be useful. There are others (some helpful and some less helpful).

http://christianpioneer.com/

I've had too many bad experiences with bullying in the "church" setting. When I reported it to the pastor, he would just tell me to ignore it and that it should not stop me from coming to church. He did nothing in his power to stop it and didn't even try. If he couldn't at least try to talk to the bullies, then I couldn't be bothered to go to church...end of story. My parents did force me to go to a Catholic church for a while which wasn't bad at all because it wasn't a "social" church. I hated going because the element of being forced and my parents would talk to people for what seemed like hours after it was over. Sometimes the people would come up to me and talk to me... well more like talk AT me. They never gave me time to answer. They never bullied me or said anything mean, I just never appreciated it when people I didn't know came up out of the blue and started talking gibberish to me. I asked my mom to tell them not to do that but she said she couldn't just go around telling people what to do. When it comes to your own kid, yes you can. I told her that if she didn't tell them to leave me alone, that I was going to run away screaming and leave her to figure out how to explain that by herself. After that, I think my mom stopped forcing me to go to Mass. I haven't stepped foot inside a worship building since. Surprisingly, none of this has affected my view of God.

I don't understand why you didn't keep your church attendance, psych profile, and sexual ideations separate.

Also, when people believe that different religions have useful input, why is it so hard to say that one church believes one thing, and another church believes another thing. Why must they expressly endorse eachother, or why must they cater to my niche interests.

To me, autism dissembles things, into simple abstractions, then builds systems. This is a simple matter of organization, like in a filing cabinet, a relationship chart, or creating an outline.

Also, how would you use this information, to your benefit, going forward.

Maybe, it's enough, to just find your peace. Sometimes, it's adequate to categorize it, I think. You accept peoples' tolerance levels, for what they are, and it makes everything predictable.