Should me and my ex-GF go to couples counseling?

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I recently broke up with my GF because of what some people have been saying. I asked other people's opinions on our problems before, in these threads before:

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After breaking up with her, my family disagreed that I should have done that, and they all like her. They kind of had an intervention for me, saying I could be losing the love of my life, and we should at least try couple's counseling instead, before leaving her forever. What do you think? Do you think that it's worth it from the problems we were having? I am open to it, if so, but what do you think?

Okay, I saw the other thread where she confessed to cheating on you 3 years ago. Actually, I agree with your family, at least the was honest about it and told you, and it happened a few years ago. Perhaps you should of forgiven her and just moved forward. Maybe you can try and contact her again but I don't know if it'll help. How did she react when you broke up with her?

If there's any chance that you would be interested in having a romantic relationship with her, counseling is worth it. At least it would clarify what you both were thinking/feeling. This way even if you still decided to part ways, it would not be due to miscommunication or lack of.

Would she even want to go to couples counseling? especially if she is your ex now?....That seems like the sort of thing to do before you break up, after breaking up there is a good chance the other person may prefer to move on than try and re-instate a failed relationship.

Are you freaking KIDDING me????? This is some kind of joke, right???

You aren't married. She is toxic. There is no "US." And I want some answers. If a gf is bad for you and you leave her, why is it anybody's business?

Rhetorical question, btw. It isn't up to ANYONE to tell you not to break up with a love interest. If I were in your place, I'd be wondering what I did to make my family hate me so much.

It's also a good example of why dating certain types is a bad idea. Some people are manipulative enough of others they can generate a lot of sympathy before anyone realizes how harmful and dangerous they are. A friend of mine was dating this guy who was insanely jealous and possessive. She'd broken up with him before. The first thing he did was convince her to be "just friends." Then he monopolized her time. After that he isolated her from her friends. They got back together, and he started abusing her again. He ended up getting kicked out of school, but still maintained a death grip on her. Things came to a head when he could no longer keep her on a short leash, and I and a few of her other friends saw firsthand how cruel he could be. She broke up with him a second time. He instantly went back to his old tricks. What we did was help her see how upset he made her when he was around. She told him to leave her alone. He didn't. And after a final incident, we went to the police.

Some of our friends thought that what we'd done was wrong and told us we should have stayed out of it and minded our own business, that having him arrested was going too far and that we should have just let them stay together and work it out on their own. This guy had a million dollar smile, was very polite and charming. That was his public face, and he had a lot of friends. In private, he was a menacing creep. What made him so hard to dislodge was that he had so many loyal friends, he played the victim very well, and had the appearance of being an honest, smart, and funny person. Every time she tried to get away, their mutual friends would talk to her for him, say how sorry he was and he'd never do anything to hurt her, or they'd tell her she was a horrible person for what she did to him.

What did we do about it? We isolated her from him and his friends. We took his tactic and turned it around on him. And once a judge got involved, his friends melted like snow. Seriously, they showed up to court because he'd have to subpoena them if they didn't. What good did his smile do him that day, you think?

I'm not saying you don't have good family and friends who genuinely mean well and have good intentions. I'm not saying you have to go to extremes to get rid of this girl. What I'm saying is I understand how it is that toxic people can win good people to their side and leave you feeling alone and powerless. I get that you were in a relationship over a few years, which makes breaking up so much more difficult. But couples therapy is not going to fix this. The only thing that is going to fix it is a complete, fundamental change from the inside out on her part. I don't see how you are going to get that. If you go into couples therapy, I can almost guarantee a therapist is going to call for you to compromise or change. Unless you actually believe there is some wrongdoing on your part, you aren't going to change. What I'm afraid of is that you've lost yourself so much in this relationship that continuing is only going to make you more miserable. Do what you have to do to eliminate this emotional blight/disease/plague from your life and begin the search for someone who really could be good for you.

At the end of the day what do you want?

You can't jut let your family or people on the internet decide what happens with your relationship. Formulate your own opinions about the situation and then decide what you feel is best for you. At the end of the day you are the one who knows best about your relationship

Okay thanks. Well the first three responses say to forgive her more so, it seems, and that maybe I reacted too harshly, where as the fourth response is "Are you kidding me" and that she is toxic. So I guess I am not sure what I should have done, or if I made a mistake.

However, my family said they are kind of having second thoughts now. She posted on her facebook wall, about how I was an abusive boyfriend to her throughout the relationship, and wish she wasn't treated so bad. She posted this as a result of not being able to get me back. But I am just guessing that's the reason.

So now my family is saying if we do for counseling, maybe she should apologize for what she wrote first, if it's not true. I don't know if she is lying, or if it's just her interpretation of how I treated her.

But he mentioned that she said that the cheating was his fault, lol (correct me if I am wrong, ironpony). It doesn't look good imho, but of course Idk her.

You don't know if things she says about you are true? WTF.

How does one define abuse? One problem I've had was with a manipulative, emotional abusive gf who really knew how to push my buttons. I'd end up lashing out. Our fights would start with her yelling at me until I yelled back. They'd end with her breaking down in tears and me having to apologize for something I didn't feel was my fault in the first place. So I'd go from being the victim of abuse to being the perpetrator of it. What motivated me perhaps more than anything was that I couldn't handle being made into some monster. I grew up with a father like that and absolutely refused to become that.

So, anyway, anyone can end up in a bad situation in which whether you are the victim or the abuser isn't going to be very clear to you. I don't deny that I was wrong in many things I did. But she's not innocent, either, and I reached a point where I had to accept that I wasn't the one to initiate all of our fights.

This guy is understandably confused. He's trying to be the "nice guy." He deep down wants to be the hero. Nothing wrong with that. But there's no rescuing the ingénue who doesn't want to be saved.

Just reading these last posts, it looks like she's showing her true colors and his family is pulling back on their sympathy for her. No surprise. These types will almost always reveal themselves once they know they have lost. I think the best thing to do is help support this guy moving forward. Take a few short weeks off from dating and relationships and get back out there and start meeting wonderful women. It takes time.

The last thing I want to say for now is I've had a LOT of experience getting dumped, and it SUCKED every time. And as bad as that was, it was nothing compared to ending a long-lived relationship. It's much easier getting dumped. The only advantage to being the first to walk away is you keep the upper hand. With that comes the awful responsibility of handling it well. I think I only succeeded in being "just friends" only once. The aforementioned abuser took that so far as to maintain a FWB status with me while telling all my friends we were getting back together. We are no longer on speaking terms. It's putting your foot down and stomping a mudhole in the @$$ of what's left of the relationship that's the worst, especially if you're not the mudhole-stomping type. Yet that's what must be done. Keep your distance, don't respond to any communication, and if she's been living with you, tell her to pick up her stuff NOW if she wants it. You might ask about having police come by just to keep the peace depending on the arrangement you have. Just make sure at the end of the day it's OVER and she very clearly understands that.

Didn't you try counselling once before, without success?

We went to one session before but I felt the therapist, was ignoring me a lot and just talking to her only, so I felt that if I got a different therapist, maybe it would go better.

She did call my Mom, and they had a talk, since she is close to my family and has been over quite a few times. My mom, after talking with her, says that she really loves me and that good women are hard to find. She now thinks that she is worried I may be making a mistake by leaving her, and I should at least try counseling. But it's hard to go back, since she told everyone on facebook, that I was abusive towards her in the relationship. She posted other things to, but I didn't get to read them before she blocked me, but I saw that they were there.

She also took the comments down and says she will apologize to everyone to make up. She says she loves me and doesn't want to loose me. However, I am not sure if I should give it another shot with her, with a counselor after she said that about me for my family, relatives, and friends to see.

Do you think if my Mom thinks that about her, after their talk, that maybe it's worth giving it another shot as long as she apologizes to everyone on facebook?

She says the reason why she posted it, is because after I broke up with her, a few hours later, I was feeling really upset and angry over our relationship, being broken up cause of problems, and I contacted another woman I knew before, to talk about old times, and to try to take my mind of my ex. I didn't meet up with her or anything, I just contacted her after the break up. My gf somehow found out about it, although she wouldn't clearly say, and she says because of what I did, that's why she posted to everyone on facebook about me being abusive. But she was upset and now wants to make up and try again. Is what I did, after the break up just as bad though, and maybe I am not taking accountability?

Of COURSE they do----it's what a narcissist does BEST, getting everybody to like them so they (the narc) can play them, manipulate them, use them, lie to them, until they've used others up.

That's also why the counselor was paying more attention to HER----because narcs are VERY SKILLED at getting / holding people's attention.


Now I KNOW, unequivocally, that she's a narc----cuz this is the number TWO thing that they do best (say that someone has been mean to them, so everybody will rush to their rescue and say "Awww, poor baby").


No, no----no, no, NO!! She was playin' your MOM, TOO----I don't think a narc can even HAVE a relationship with ANYBODY without the narc manipulating the other person.

I agree with the other poster who said that if you break-up with somebody, why is it anybody else's (your family) business?

You will never, ever, EVER win----I promise you!! A narc is constantly building a "network" of people, for various reasons----to tell them they're smart, good-looking, sweet, kind, selfless, etc., etc., etc., because they think so little of THEMSELVES, and are always looking to other people to make them happy / whole / whatever, because looking in a mirror and working on THEMSELVES is much, MUCH more difficult.

Also, is it possible that she found-out from your mother, that you talked to the other woman? If your current ex was being evasive, it could've been cuz she didn't want to outright LIE (cuz then she could be found-out); OR, she was being evasive to see what she could draw out of you (like, a common trick is to not say much, and then the person wanting to be liked, will work really hard to get them to not be angry with them, and talk to them). People take advantage, BIG TIME, of Aspies when they find-out how open / honest we are----and how accommodating we are, and how we want people to like us (but, for different reasons than a narc----we're not trying to get information about people to use it to manipulate them; we just wanna be liked, cuz so few like us).

You've already broken-up with her----I agree with the poster who asked if you were kidding them----do NOT go-back with this girl!! If you DO, she will use you until she uses you up, and then she'll find somebody else!! Ironically, it's the NARC who is ABUSIVE----but, no-one ever sees it, cuz the narc is only abusive a-little-at-a-time so nobody catches-on; then, they're just nice enough, to draw you back in and make you think that it's YOU who is mis-judging / being critical / not being fair / "not taking accountability" / whatever. I've seen it a THOUSAND times----I've had it done to me, and I've seen narcs do it to others----and, their M.O. is ALWAYS the same!!

It seems to me that you should run FAR away from this person.

She has her issues & it sounds like you two are incompatible on some major issues so I think it's best for you to move on especially if she thinks you were abusive to her when it sounds to me like she was the one who was abusive to you. I think you dogged a bullet & it's best not to risk getting in front of that gun again.

Well a my Mom and sister are saying I shouldn't go by the advice of strangers, cause strangers do not know her and are only hearing one side of the story. My ex-gf even said that she also asked people on an internet forum, and the majority was agreeing with her side in comparison.

Sometimes I feel I need advice of others, cause if I make my own decision, I am afraid that maybe I am not considering her side enough, or maybe I am being too self-righteous, especially when my Mom and my sis say I should go to counseling, cause they both like her and say she was a good gf to me.

I talked to my best friend about it, and my he is also friends with my ex-gf as well. He says that after hearing both sides, that after what she posted on facebook, for her family and friends to see, as well as mine, about me being abusive, that there is no going back after that, and she took it too far.

My mom said that I did something bad too, by going to a female friend a few months ago for relationship advice and by doing that, I broke a boundary too. So that's why I feel that maybe what I did was just as bad as her posting to people on social media that I was abusive. But I felt that she kind of mislead people, while being vague about it at the same time.

If she's willing to ruin your reputation and accuse you of abuse just to get back at you this time, imagine the batshit revenge she'll take once you're married. She could literally take half of everything you own and get spousal support for life just by lying and saying you abused her! There's nothing to stop her from doing it and she's already proven she's willing to do it anytime you make her mad. If you take her back at this point, you completely deserve everything you get.