Hi,
I was looking up Asperger's Syndrome on-line because I overheard someone talking about their brother having it and I had no clue what it was. The first thing I came across was a letter written by Richard Rowe. When I read it I was floored. His story matched my life almost 100%...I wept.
I have gone my entire life thinking I couldn't possibly be human because I was just too different from everyone else. I even failed at Boy Scouts. I have a high IQ (last tested at 146 thirteen years ago) and did well in school from a grades standpoint, but I feel and always have felt like an idiot and a total loser.
On the rare occasion I would make a good friend (who I suspect now were also "Aspies") the Army would move us and I'd have to start over again. Not that staying in one place would have mattered. I've been living in the same city for 20 years now and I can't name one actual friend that I have. I only have acquaintances.
I have never felt attractive even though people told me I was. I don't do pictures because I always look awful in them. I have been this way my entire life. I buy clothes to try to look fashionable and improve my appearance but no matter how I try I always think I look odd. I haven't given up yet.
When it came to the dating scene, I was asked all the time by my peers why I didn't "hit" on some girl that liked me and was trying to meet me. I honestly couldn't tell, I always thought I was being looked at because I was strange looking. A girl would literally have to grab me and tell me she liked for me to figure it out. Relationships usually didn't last very long, I would inevitably mess things up somehow.
As for employment, I floundered around for a long time. I had zero self confidence and would often times implode during job interviews. If I got the job, I would either say or do something that would get me fired or I'd get frustrated and quit. I eventually found a field that I had a knack for and branched out from there with some success. However, I still feel really insecure and have a hard time contributing during meetings but on the flip side of the coin I'll blurt out things that are rather insulting to someone and hours later I'll still be trying to figure out why I said it. Whenever I walk past upper management, I'm always wondering if they're looking at negatively. I can't tell and I certainly am not going to ask.
I'm also a big dreamer and "zone" out all the time, sometimes even when someone is talking to me. However, sometimes when this happens I'm not dreaming at all...I'm just gone...lights on but nobody's home. I've always just made something up to cover me If I got caught.
And broken routines... That's the real smoking gun for me. I get REALLY upset when my personal routines get disrupted. If I leave home in the morning and forget my coffee or even a pen I'm seriously freaking out. I have even been brought to tears over things like that. The weird thing is my whole job scope at work can get turned upside down and it doesn't bother me a bit. Go figure.
There's really just too much to go into in one post and I'm rambling so I'm going to stop here.
I'm a bit on the fence about how I feel about this revelation. While it was a bit shocking at first, I started feeling relieved because now I'm start to get answers to questions about myself that I've desperately wanted my entire life. I only wish I had found this out a long time ago. I'm certain my life would have been much easier.
I haven't been officially diagnosed, but I've done a lot of reading and I'm about 95% certain that I am autistic to some degree. I'm tempted to make an appointment but I wonder if I should bother. I read a few places that diagnosing an adult is difficult and there's not much anyone can do to help you anyway.
Thoughts?
21 Nov 2016, 5:37 pm
