Is it not good to lead a solitary life?

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LimboMan
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10 Dec 2016, 11:11 am

I'm just very conscious about the life I have and whether its something to be ashamed about or not, or if its unhealthy.
I study at a university away from family and live with other students. I am no longer passionate about my course however and I do not feel close to anyone there. So I am practically a hermit and I have developed a strict system for myself on when I do certain things each day, what exact foods I eat and I go through many days where I don't even say a word to anybody. I sit in front a screen. I do go outside and do walking every day but when I do I can't help feeling like a oddball in this world and apart from an AS group I attend, I do not have a social life.
I do at many times want to be with others, but I just get so overwhelmed sometimes with how random social encounters can be, I retreat to myself and my special interests. I even find it difficult getting on with people in my interest, as I know what works for me and I feel better doing it on my own.
I did things like delete my social accounts to cut myself off from others as I do enjoy freedom of being by one's self. But I get so lonely sometimes, and I want to able to have a relationship too but I just stay inside because that is my comfort zone and where I feel most safe. Talking with people I live with feels enough contact for me.

Should I not be doing this at age 20? I just get so ashamed sometimes about my life and my differences but I really enjoy the freedom of being by myself.


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BeaArthur
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10 Dec 2016, 11:21 am

I don't think you should feel ashamed of your solitary tendencies. But I think life is more satisfying if you can develop some friendships, and more satisfying still if you can achieve a life partner. This is even true for most autistic people, but of course, developing friendships and romantic relationships is a lot harder if you have autism.

But for most of us, it's worth it.

You might have the black-or-white thinking tendency many autistic people have. It's all one way or all the other. Instead of having no social connectedness, and instead of going overboard and having too much, why don't you try for something in between - a little, but not too much?


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BirdInFlight
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10 Dec 2016, 11:33 am

I think any kind of life is only "not good" if you're unhappy with it.

It's not good to have friends or a partner if that way of living is making your miserable more than happy or content. It's not good to be a hermit if that way of living is making you miserable more than happy or content.

I think if you feel content in a positive way about the solitary elements of your life, there's nothing wrong with that. You mention some level of loneliness, in which case you might want to alter things very slightly and put yourself into a social setting more, and gather acquaintances.

The only important thing to happiness is that things should be mostly "on your own terms." Anything that is out of your control, or not of your choosing, is going to cause you unhappiness. If your solitude OR your socializing is not on your own terms and not under control to where you've chosen it, that's where disgruntlement sets in. Do what makes you happy where it's on your own terms that you're choosing it, not because you wonder if you just "ought" to be doing something.

Personally for me I'm better off in a solitary life as even having a partner makes life feel more stressful to me. And the socializing I do have in my life is actually quite forced upon me, thus I'm pissed off because I haven't gone out there and actually chosen it. I had a time once when it was more up to me, and I was happier then. It's when things aren't particularly your choice that it's not good.



redrobin62
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10 Dec 2016, 11:49 am

<--- Lives a solitary life. Tortured him for years...until he discovered he may be autistic. Now, having studied up on the Solitary Forager Hypothesis, he accepts his isolating nature much better. Not totally happy with it, but he's resigned to it.



LimboMan
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10 Dec 2016, 4:09 pm

Thank you for replies. I definitely relate to the black and white thinking side of things I've always done that.The problem is that I always change my mind about how I feel about meeting others - sometimes I really want to and others I don't. and because of this I feel like I let people down when it comes to socialising. In my life I have had many acquaintances but very little I would take outside a college or work setting for example, which is why I do not have much friendships, or meet others that could be more than friends.. And if I do socialise its in very short periods, not long events which last for hours. But I don't want there to be nobody to turn to when I leave after this year, so I have to make the effort.


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BirdInFlight
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10 Dec 2016, 4:34 pm

Quote:
"The problem is that I always change my mind about how I feel about meeting others - sometimes I really want to and others I don't. and because of this I feel like I let people down when it comes to socialising. "


I relate to that strongly; it's been an issue for me my whole life. It's nice to know people and form friendships but I have always felt I let people down because at times I just can't sustain the social schedule those people start to expect of me.



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11 Dec 2016, 1:16 pm

I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy, but if you're experiencing loneliness and shame then it sounds like you may not be satisfied or feel you should be doing something else. Not having any company or trying any new things at all can lead to being closed-off and rigid even for someone with AS.



TheArronaut
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11 Dec 2016, 1:57 pm

It's good to have people around so you have a multitude of opinions and viewpoints to consider. You don't have to be a social butterfly, but without some socialization, your thought patterns will tend to stagnate, or even start getting a little strange and warped.


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 147 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 38 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

Official Diagnosis: Autism Spectrum Disorder, Level 1, without accompanying intellectual impairment. Specific Learning Disorder, With Impairment in Mathematics (Dyscalculia)


neurotypicalET
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11 Dec 2016, 4:53 pm

I would like to live a partial solitary life...I mean I still need to work...so all my socialisation will be limited to that...but I would also love to all the crazy things that I want to do without being judged...like it has been a while since I last did my crazy dances....which helped release all my stresses.... :D


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