My GF is Crazy V3.72 Beta Version

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Tross
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03 Jan 2017, 4:22 pm

Ok, the name of the thread is a bit humorous as I've made multiple threads on this topic that have been done to death, and they're all buried. I've actually managed to go a good while before making another one, mostly because things have been alright with my and my gf. Well, she's relapsed again into hysterical nonsense and it's getting old. We saw each other last night and we're seeing each other again tomorrow, and because we're not seeing each other today she decided to cry and say that I don't love her. I told her she should see a therapist since that's a load of BS.

Long story short, the choice has once again come up as to whether I should stay in a relationship given that that's something so many aspires want and I even wanted for so long, or to end it and possibly end up being single forever. I mean, part of me wants to try and get a girl who's rational, but rational girls don't seem to date aspies, so it's a catch 22. Maybe I'm either stuck with someone crazy or no one. Any advice?

As always though I'm willing to take suggestions on how to make things work. Ending the relationship has always been a last resort option and I have yet to press that red button. I feel like I'm running out of options though.



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03 Jan 2017, 4:55 pm

Well, call me one of the fairly rational women dating an aspie who doesn't think a couple needs to be attached at the hip to be dating.

You might have already done this, but my suggestion in case you have not done it, is to be very firm with her and say something like what you've just said. That her hysterics are nonsense and you're tired of it. That you don't want to date a child and you're willing to work through this as long as she knocks this silliness off. Then hold to that.

If she's one of those that you can't talk some sense to, then I don't know what to tell you. Some people never change.


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amykitten
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03 Jan 2017, 5:34 pm

Want me to punch her for you? If it was me, I'd be lonely if my boyfriend wasn't seeing me everyday, but I understand that he would need his time also. Its just life. So I'd distract myself with something. Does she have any hobbies she could do to entertain herself whilst your busy?



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03 Jan 2017, 7:26 pm

If it's a rescuing problem than it sound like something needs to be done whether thats sitting down and asking her why she is getting so upset and to explain to you clearly what the problem is (maybe other things are bothering her you might not have noticed and she has taken that as not caring or something silly)

If that doesn't work maybe you shold question whether you would be happier not in the relationship. Staying with someone because your frightenew there is no one else is very unhealthy



Tross
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04 Jan 2017, 12:31 pm

Luhluhluh wrote:
Well, call me one of the fairly rational women dating an aspie who doesn't think a couple needs to be attached at the hip to be dating.

You might have already done this, but my suggestion in case you have not done it, is to be very firm with her and say something like what you've just said. That her hysterics are nonsense and you're tired of it. That you don't want to date a child and you're willing to work through this as long as she knocks this silliness off. Then hold to that.

If she's one of those that you can't talk some sense to, then I don't know what to tell you. Some people never change.
Yeah, I may end up having to do just that. These tantrums really need to stop.
amykitten wrote:
Want me to punch her for you? If it was me, I'd be lonely if my boyfriend wasn't seeing me everyday, but I understand that he would need his time also. Its just life. So I'd distract myself with something. Does she have any hobbies she could do to entertain herself whilst your busy?
I've suggested hobbies, but she's adamant that she "doesn't do hobbies". I'm hoping she gets the job she has an interview for on Thursday because that will keep her busy, but she doesn't seem to know what to do with her free time. Again, having hobbies would be a great idea but for reasons unknown she's resistant to the idea.
Alliekit wrote:
If it's a rescuing problem than it sound like something needs to be done whether thats sitting down and asking her why she is getting so upset and to explain to you clearly what the problem is (maybe other things are bothering her you might not have noticed and she has taken that as not caring or something silly)

If that doesn't work maybe you shold question whether you would be happier not in the relationship. Staying with someone because your frightenew there is no one else is very unhealthy
Well, she certainly needs to know that just because I want a day or two to myself in a given week that doesn't mean I don't care about her. She used to have a problem with me spending days working too, but she's now ok with that. However, she also still registers a day that I spend at work as a day that I don't see her and while I'm open to seeing her after work some days, I'm sometimes tired after a long shift and just want to spend it at home, and she doesn't understand the need for reserving a day off for myself.

I'm well aware that she must have some kind of disorder like Borderline Personality Disorder, but she needs to realize that I can't be with her 24/7, and that this kind of attachment issue isn't normal. Sometimes other things set her off, like family stuff, and she starts getting extra clingy with me. Occasionally she'll just get hit with a wave of intense negative emotion that she has told me she can't control and just makes her want to cry. I know she's been trying to work on that, but I've suggested seeing a doctor about it because while it's unlikely there's a cure out there, I'm sure some medication can keep those emotional waves under control.

Of course I also brought up a therapist because while at the end of the day she will still have whatever disorder she has, I think it would be good for her to have someone to talk to about how she's feeling, especially since how she's feeling seems to be the biggest thing on her mind at any given time, which is evidence of Borderline. She has a couple friends but they all work and can't see her all the time. It's a tough situation, but even a one a week visit to a therapist would probably do her some good I think.



amykitten
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04 Jan 2017, 3:20 pm

She might also have autism as she sounds a lot like me, but I've learnt to cope with my excess emotions. I generally let them out, sulk then recover apologise to anyone I happen to offend. I guess its like a meltdown in a sense and it just has to come out for me to function properly again.



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04 Jan 2017, 8:31 pm

I came here cos of the thread title.
I have nothing constructive to add to this topic. :jester:


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Lunella
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04 Jan 2017, 10:50 pm

She just seems immature, bored and selfish. Great combination for a toxic partner. She seems like she doesn't even know how to be in a proper relationship honestly. If she can't be fair and let you have your own space then what's the point? If she won't listen to logical reasoning from you then there really is no point. Spending time with her constantly is quite crazy in itself and that's how you make attraction die rather quickly.

I think you should sit her down and be very blunt with her and tell her if she doesn't change this childish behaviour or you don't see an improvement within the next few weeks, like go to a doctor then you can't do it anymore because it's affecting you mentally and it's not healthy. Put your foot down and don't let some crazy b***h control you.

If you've managed to attract someone you can do it again, but it really is better being alone than with someone completely batshit mental who just causes problems constantly and is a strain on your mental health, especially while you're working and have responsibilities. Does she even have any responsibilities?

You need to write a list down of pro's and cons, do it on pen and paper so you can get a proper feel for it to make a better decision, if there's way more cons then it's not worth it. You're the one that has to decide because she quite clearly can't make proper adult decisions from the looks of it.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, I'm just being real with you.


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Tross
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06 Jan 2017, 1:44 pm

amykitten wrote:
She might also have autism as she sounds a lot like me, but I've learnt to cope with my excess emotions. I generally let them out, sulk then recover apologise to anyone I happen to offend. I guess its like a meltdown in a sense and it just has to come out for me to function properly again.
I did entertain that idea before learning about Borderline Personality Disorder, and even theorized that I'm her special interest, but after learning about BPD that does seem to fit. That said it's highly possible for someone to have more than one disorder so I won't rule out the possibility of her being on the spectrum.

I guess it's a good thing to have a release of emotion every now and again. I've actually found clapping really hard helps me release emotion. As it's odd behaviour I only do it when I'm alone, but I do it every once in a while. I don't like that her only outlet is taking it out on others though. She could probably use a better one. As a female maybe something physical like stress balls might not be her cup of tea but I'm sure there's something out there that can act as some kind of emotional outlet for her.
Lunella wrote:
She just seems immature, bored and selfish. Great combination for a toxic partner. She seems like she doesn't even know how to be in a proper relationship honestly. If she can't be fair and let you have your own space then what's the point? If she won't listen to logical reasoning from you then there really is no point. Spending time with her constantly is quite crazy in itself and that's how you make attraction die rather quickly.

I think you should sit her down and be very blunt with her and tell her if she doesn't change this childish behaviour or you don't see an improvement within the next few weeks, like go to a doctor then you can't do it anymore because it's affecting you mentally and it's not healthy. Put your foot down and don't let some crazy b***h control you.

If you've managed to attract someone you can do it again, but it really is better being alone than with someone completely batshit mental who just causes problems constantly and is a strain on your mental health, especially while you're working and have responsibilities. Does she even have any responsibilities?

You need to write a list down of pro's and cons, do it on pen and paper so you can get a proper feel for it to make a better decision, if there's way more cons then it's not worth it. You're the one that has to decide because she quite clearly can't make proper adult decisions from the looks of it.

Sorry if any of that sounds harsh, I'm just being real with you.
Well, in general she's not the most adept socially, but that can largely be attributed to her being home-schooled by her well-intentioned mom for almost the entirety of her elementary and high school years. If I'm going to be honest I don't have a lot of experience with relationships either, at least of this particular type, but this one certainly has been a learning experience.

She does have chores she does at home, but nothing substantial enough to keep her busy for very long. My problem is her mom and dad control almost every aspect of her life. Heck, I needed to get her parents permission to even have her be alone with me in my car and a year and a half later I'm still not able to be alone with her in either her house or mine. She makes a point of telling her parents where she is at all times and sometimes even asks if it's ok to go to certain places with me. In other words, something people in their 20s don't do. I never ask my parents if I can spend time with her.

When I pressed the idea of her maybe getting a longer leash she said she doesn't think she needs one. I think her parents are great and they've been really great to me, but I just don't like the idea of having to consult them on everything. I feel like we're being treated like children.



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06 Jan 2017, 2:20 pm

There are plenty of people out there who have problems and are not crazy. My husband has several disabilities in his brain and he isn't mental and crazy. He doesn't act that way when he doesn't get his way or act manipulative. That sounds a lot like BPD. When they don't get their way and when they get over emotional because they feel them too strongly, they can't deal with their emotions so they react the way they do. That can go from putting you down like telling you how selfish you are or how self centered you are or how you are abusive or don't care about them, etc. That is something that small children do but the difference is they grow out of it. Borderlines are like toddlers. Not saying your ex is one. But I think they can learn to react to them appropriately but I read it takes DBT to do it because it helps the become more aware of themselves and their behavior. But it's a matter of if they want to do it and want to get help to better themselves and be better people.


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Lunella
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06 Jan 2017, 2:28 pm

I really agree with League_Girl, it does sound like BPD but mixed with something else.

Tross wrote:
Well, in general she's not the most adept socially, but that can largely be attributed to her being home-schooled by her well-intentioned mom for almost the entirety of her elementary and high school years. If I'm going to be honest I don't have a lot of experience with relationships either, at least of this particular type, but this one certainly has been a learning experience.

Well her parents may have been well-intentioned but she's basically just missed out on how to develop social skills by not being in school and doesn't understand what people are actually like of her own age group. By missing all that out she's basically now someone with arrested development, meaning she's mentally younger than her actual age from the looks of it.

Do you think she could be a sociopath? Lay some sociopath traps?

Tross wrote:
She does have chores she does at home, but nothing substantial enough to keep her busy for very long. My problem is her mom and dad control almost every aspect of her life. Heck, I needed to get her parents permission to even have her be alone with me in my car and a year and a half later I'm still not able to be alone with her in either her house or mine. She makes a point of telling her parents where she is at all times and sometimes even asks if it's ok to go to certain places with me. In other words, something people in their 20s don't do. I never ask my parents if I can spend time with her.

So her parents are control freaks or she makes it out like they are control freaks? Either way if they are wrapping her up in cotton wool (being overprotective) that's really not something you want in a proper relationship. Parents interfering all the time in something so personal as a relationship isn't how you progress the relationship, they are just in the way if anything. It's like you're in a relationship with her parents as well.

Chores aren't really proper adult responsibilities really, I meant something more like does she pay any bills or do any care work but I guess not. It seems like if you continue this relationship and move in with her you'd have to do literally everything until she got bored of you and went off with someone else.

As I said though, she's mentally way younger than an actual 20 year old so you're probably actually going out with someone who is like mentally 13.

I figure you're stuck because when she's nice she's really nice but when she's bad you hate her or something like that right? You need to figure out the scale of it though, like if she's only nice on a rare occasion then you're probably better off getting rid of her and trying again. I mean, from some of your posts she just seems controlling and manipulative. I think you're being gaslighted a bit too.

Tross wrote:
When I pressed the idea of her maybe getting a longer leash she said she doesn't think she needs one. I think her parents are great and they've been really great to me, but I just don't like the idea of having to consult them on everything. I feel like we're being treated like children.

Have they actually said you have to consult them or has SHE said you have to consult them?

The girl needs therapy, she just sounds completely mental. I can understand why you're with her but it gets to a point where it's simply not worth it if it's bringing you so much drama and stress. You probably can't even see the extent of how mental it is because you're the one in the relationship too. Do you have any close family and friends you can open up to about this? You need to speak about it more and get support from people before she gets worse and you become a victim of abuse.

I think you should end it, learn from it and find someone who's not so stupid and broken. It's not impossible - you did manage it once so you can do it again with the 8 billion + people on the planet to choose from.


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Tross
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09 Jan 2017, 2:15 am

League_Girl wrote:
There are plenty of people out there who have problems and are not crazy. My husband has several disabilities in his brain and he isn't mental and crazy. He doesn't act that way when he doesn't get his way or act manipulative. That sounds a lot like BPD. When they don't get their way and when they get over emotional because they feel them too strongly, they can't deal with their emotions so they react the way they do. That can go from putting you down like telling you how selfish you are or how self centered you are or how you are abusive or don't care about them, etc. That is something that small children do but the difference is they grow out of it. Borderlines are like toddlers. Not saying your ex is one. But I think they can learn to react to them appropriately but I read it takes DBT to do it because it helps the become more aware of themselves and their behavior. But it's a matter of if they want to do it and want to get help to better themselves and be better people.
That all sounds a lot like my gf. Of course she then turns around and praises me a lot too, as if she's placed me on some kind of pedestal. There are also times where she acts a lot more normal, but that's usually when we're actually together.
Lunella wrote:
I really agree with League_Girl, it does sound like BPD but mixed with something else.

Tross wrote:
Well, in general she's not the most adept socially, but that can largely be attributed to her being home-schooled by her well-intentioned mom for almost the entirety of her elementary and high school years. If I'm going to be honest I don't have a lot of experience with relationships either, at least of this particular type, but this one certainly has been a learning experience.

Well her parents may have been well-intentioned but she's basically just missed out on how to develop social skills by not being in school and doesn't understand what people are actually like of her own age group. By missing all that out she's basically now someone with arrested development, meaning she's mentally younger than her actual age from the looks of it.

Do you think she could be a sociopath? Lay some sociopath traps?

Tross wrote:
She does have chores she does at home, but nothing substantial enough to keep her busy for very long. My problem is her mom and dad control almost every aspect of her life. Heck, I needed to get her parents permission to even have her be alone with me in my car and a year and a half later I'm still not able to be alone with her in either her house or mine. She makes a point of telling her parents where she is at all times and sometimes even asks if it's ok to go to certain places with me. In other words, something people in their 20s don't do. I never ask my parents if I can spend time with her.

So her parents are control freaks or she makes it out like they are control freaks? Either way if they are wrapping her up in cotton wool (being overprotective) that's really not something you want in a proper relationship. Parents interfering all the time in something so personal as a relationship isn't how you progress the relationship, they are just in the way if anything. It's like you're in a relationship with her parents as well.

Chores aren't really proper adult responsibilities really, I meant something more like does she pay any bills or do any care work but I guess not. It seems like if you continue this relationship and move in with her you'd have to do literally everything until she got bored of you and went off with someone else.

As I said though, she's mentally way younger than an actual 20 year old so you're probably actually going out with someone who is like mentally 13.

I figure you're stuck because when she's nice she's really nice but when she's bad you hate her or something like that right? You need to figure out the scale of it though, like if she's only nice on a rare occasion then you're probably better off getting rid of her and trying again. I mean, from some of your posts she just seems controlling and manipulative. I think you're being gaslighted a bit too.

Tross wrote:
When I pressed the idea of her maybe getting a longer leash she said she doesn't think she needs one. I think her parents are great and they've been really great to me, but I just don't like the idea of having to consult them on everything. I feel like we're being treated like children.

Have they actually said you have to consult them or has SHE said you have to consult them?

The girl needs therapy, she just sounds completely mental. I can understand why you're with her but it gets to a point where it's simply not worth it if it's bringing you so much drama and stress. You probably can't even see the extent of how mental it is because you're the one in the relationship too. Do you have any close family and friends you can open up to about this? You need to speak about it more and get support from people before she gets worse and you become a victim of abuse.

I think you should end it, learn from it and find someone who's not so stupid and broken. It's not impossible - you did manage it once so you can do it again with the 8 billion + people on the planet to choose from.
Lol, I don't think my gf is a sociopath. What you said about her being really nice sometimes is true. That's probably a big part of why I've stayed with her for so long. In fact, things can seem more or less fine for weeks or even months at a time, then something happens to set her off, and then I'm back here again. My mom, dad and sister don't really think she's someone I should marry as she probably won't be a reliable spouse.

I think the ultimate test will be if she will ever be ready to move out on her own, and whether that will be anywhere near when I'm able to move out on my own, which will be once I land a good job so I can pay for my own place, which shouldn't be too much longer now that I have my degree. I doubt she will move on to someone else, but I don't know if I can do absolutely everything, which may be a necessity if we do move in together. Thankfully being Christian means that's behind a firewall of marriage, which is a bridge I'll only cross if she does make enough progress that I deem her to be a reliable future spouse. I'm not going to try to speculate as to the odds of that though.

Her parents have set ground rules like not being allowed to be alone together in either of our houses that I have to obey. Beyond that, my gf frequently tells her parents where she is and occasionally asks if it's ok to go somewhere with me. When pressed about it she just says that I must understand that her parents are very strict. I do think it is a bit like being in a relationship with her parents too. On the plus side I really do like them and they have been really good to me. I just think they meddle a little too much in our relationship. In general I think all relationships involve other people to varying extents, it's just the degree to which her parents are involved that ruffles my feathers.

I'll definitely ask other people for advice because I do know a lot of great people who can help me out. Thanks for the tip. I think breaking off the relationship will be difficult, and it's not something I really want to do, but that may end up being the best course of action.