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I feel friendless

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blackicmenace
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10 Jan 2017, 10:24 pm

Joe90 wrote:
I just feel socially isolated at the moment, and social isolation scares me and does no favours for my morale. Facebook is a paradox for me; I know I would regret it if I deleted my account (also it's so hard to just come off Facebook, I tried it before), but seeing who gets more likes from who does depress me.

There's a woman at work who unfriended me as soon as she resigned, but didn't unfriend anyone else, even though she knew me just as well as she knew the others. I even went out for coffee with her outside of work once. But since she resigned she unfriended me immediately, but still comments on everyone else's posts, even the ones she didn't talk to much when she worked with us. This sort of thing makes me feel hurt.

I know people say that Facebook is fake and is full of BS and that I shouldn't worry, but maybe that's a cliche to make me feel better. It is not fake.


There is a cognitive limit of relationships any one primate can maintain so there is a hard limit to how many friendships you are capable of managing. In this capacity, Facebook is definitely fake.


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Summer_Twilight
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11 Jan 2017, 9:21 am

These "friends" who left me out during High School were bullies by implication, which means that they kept hinting that they were not interested in me. The guy in the group was the meanest about that along with talking about me behind my back by lying about me and saying that he hated me.

We were all mild students in special ed, and I was the only Aspie out of the bunch. Anyway, I went back a year after all of us had left the high school setting for the transition programs elsewhere. I happened to be looking at the picture of that guy and attempted to explain what had happened, and one of the special education teachers cut me off and blew it off as gossip.

"You know what? Don't even go there."



aikoinazuma
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31 Mar 2017, 10:53 am

Joe90 wrote:
I feel like lately people on Facebook have unfollowed me (still Facebook friends but not following), and also my closest co-workers at work seem a little offish too. I think it's just my imagination, but I am a bit worried about it. I don't like to ask why or anything because I don't want to look like I'm confronting or being overparanoid or anything. There is one person at work who I definitely know doesn't like me. She is two-faced; she acts like she likes me by being interested in my life and stuff, but I can tell she doesn't like me that much, and that is not my imagination.
Also I worry that I am left out of social gatherings with work colleagues, outside of work. Well, I know I am, because most of them like drinking and I don't, and I'm starting to realise that by being a non-drinker I am missing out on friendships. :(

I really hate having Asperger's and s**t. I mean, it just makes social relationships more complicated than need be. I know how to read subtle social cues and I know how to use lies to save someone's feelings and stuff like that, but I am still socially awkward in other ways; like just being standoffish without meaning to. I hate having Asperger's. It just means that I will always be socially awkward everywhere I go, and I'm afraid that this might attract bullies at work in future jobs. Lucky for me people at my current job aren't the type to bully, but not all work places are like that. It makes me reluctant to look for another job, in case my social awkwardness might cause hostility and/or bullying, and the thought of feeling lonely at work really frightens me. I do feel lonely at the moment but it's not ongoing at my work. But I still can't deal with it.

I have come a long way socially since I was a child; I have learnt a lot of social skills and I can normally pass off as NT, but because I have Asperger's and ADHD, there is always going to be some social awkwardness there what I cannot work on. Why am I cursed to crave friendships and social acceptance AND have Asperger's at the same time? I sometimes think about suicide.


I really don't know everything about what is going on at work here but I would suspect that the coworker who doesn't like you might be saying something about you behind your back to your other coworkers. Realistically, if you can, I'd consider talking to your boss (if you feel comfortable) about anything that your coworkers might be saying about you. You had also mentioned that they are social drinkers; drinking on a regular basis can make people act weird and this might be something you should bring up with your boss if it seems that your coworkers have been coming to work while possibly drunk.

Facebook is a huge drama magnet. I'd leave it, to be honest. (I was on Facebook years ago and it was a huge vanity mirror back then)


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 107 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 131 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits.


specialsauce
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01 Apr 2017, 4:22 pm

Hi Joe90 I had a very similar experience to you at my last company. You say your coworkers are not the type to bully but that doesn't mean that they like you. I had an office job where a lot of the people were from the hospitality industry so they had been waiters or bar staff and it's amazing how you begin to tell yourself that these people are friends just because they are there and they smile when you talk to them. In reality they might not have a very high opinion of you at all.

This shouldn't matter except when it makes you paranoid or you start to feel acutely lonely then I would say don't be reluctant to look for a new job because you're unlikely to get hired unless the hiring manager likes you and you will meet new people and they will become familiar just like your old coworkers. Plus any of the old coworkers that were real friends will keep talking to you after you've left.

Plus I will make you the offer of being your friend, since I feel the same way about having aspergers.



Joe90
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03 Apr 2017, 11:48 am

I can usually tell if I fit in somewhere or not, and at my current job I feel I DO fit in and I'm liked. Last week I got invited to one of my colleague's apartment for a cup of tea and a chat, and she gave me her phone number and said to come again. That was nice.

Sometimes I have waves of depression. About once a month or so, I come all over in self-doubt and I think that nobody likes me, and I believe it so much that I get all depressed. But then it passes and I see the reality again.


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specialsauce
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03 Apr 2017, 12:51 pm

I know what you mean... actually I feel that way now.

It's good that things are working out for you at work.