Does anyone else here absolutely hate having AS?

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They will never find a cure because AS is not a disease. What you mean is 'if they ever find some ridiculous drug that will turn us all into NTs.'

There are some times I really hate it. I hate doing stupid things that could give people the impression I'm not too bright, even though I have a Master's in English. I have a job I do well in, and have some friends. As for marriage, I don't think I'll ever find that right person. Plus, I am so comfortable in my routine now that to change for another person would be almost impossible. The man I love must love cats and other animals and share my basic values.

I don't like having to take medication for seizures. Neither my AS nor my seizure disorder are severe, and my problem is under complete control with medication, but they exist. I would like to have my basic intelligence and be normal.

The saddest thing is, I don't think I was born this way. My mother said I was bright, even sociable as a child. I had some unusual characteristics, but not the full AS picture.

I sometimes feel guilty even being here, because so many people here have more severe problems than I have. I had no learning problems (academics were, in fact, my strong point). I didn't have very many friends growing up, but that was to be expected given the way I was then. I realize I caused most of my problems. I should have been able to make the decision to solve them. I wasn't, and am not, stupid. I knew the right answers, but didn't put them into practice, and I regret that.

The example of Roger Bannister inspires me. He felt a sense of not belonging when he was growing up, and went on to achieve greatness. I am not in his league, but I'm not hopeless, either.

9CatMom, I hate to break it to you, but NTs also do things that make people think they're stupid. At least when you're AS, they're usually entertaining things... Your requirements in a mate would probably also be the same if you were NT - if you love cats, and marry someone who hates them, one of you is going to be miserable pretty much of the time. Same principle applies to your basic values - a card-carrying member of the ACLU is not going to be happy with Liberty Univeristy's Dean of Students, no matter how cute they each might think the other to be.

I had never heard of Asperger's Syndrome before last summer. I met someone online to talk to, and he mentioned he had it. Whatever it was. I asked some questions, and he sent me some links. One of them was the "You Might Be An Aspie If..." group. I laughed, and couldn't figure out what was "different" about being Aspie. Most of the things were things I did.

I wanted to learn more, and talked more to him, and also started spending time in Asperger's forums. Someone suggested I might be an Aspie. Hah! I reread all the material and laughed again. And cried. And was frustrated. But really glad there was a NAME for it, and glad to finally find out after all this time that I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE.

There are other people that are like me. I had no idea. Having that label is so much better. Because I can now connect with other people that are like me. I faced many of the social problems and lack of close friends and problems with jobs and misunderstanding everything. Over-analyzing. Wanting to be around people and yet cringing at the same time.

Not everyone is "gifted" in social affairs. Only a few.

People thought I was weird. I thought they were weird. Whatever. I figure we have to get by with what we have. And there are only a few people that have a lot going for them socially. But look at those social people. Like celebrities. They would SEEM to have it all, right? Their lives are often terribly messed up. They're not Aspies.

If we didn't have Asperger's, we'd have some other problem in our lives. I also suffer Depression. And I have back problems, making it painful to simply be conscious. So, I'd gladly JUST be Aspie, and be able to get around not in pain.

No life is trouble-free or problem-free.

Have you ever seen the movie "Grand Canyon"? It has Danny Glover and Kevin Kline in it. Rent it, or buy it. You'll see that lives have many problems, and each life considers their own problems to be significant. In comparison to another life, problems might not see so bad. And some things are universal.

I need people in my life. I need to socialise and think people care about me. Though i would not describe myself as clingy.
I would be better with people if i did not have AS. Therefore i really wish i did not have AS, in oder to be happier.

DeaconBlues,

All very valid points. I couldn't imagine marrying someone who was not from a family who kept pets or from one who did happen to have pets, but didn't take care of them. I know people who have pets but don't give them any real love or care. That really infuriates me.

I think my basic beliefs and values were shaped by the way I was taught, and are separate from any difficulties due to my AS.

Miranda and others here, please, please just get positive, and read my site (see address below) - there may be hope, at least for some.
Sopho and others have debated with me on the 'any new theories' forum if you want to catch up with others views.
ALL THE VERY BEST. JC

Sopho, I quite understand you may like being inside your gilded cage, and feeling safe, at least at this stage in your life, but it's just not right for you to choke off others from possible hope and from exploring escape. Take care of yourself, and remember, that door in your cage I believe may prove to be ajar, JC
p.s. since we last spoke things have continued excellently for me. It's a real joy to be alive.
Flame away!

It may not be a disease, but it is a syndrome. What's the difference?

And who says drugs will wipe out our 'AS-ness' completely? If one was developed that would treat the less-than-desirable characteristics (mind-blindness, over-obsessiveness) I would be all for that.

People need to realise that drugs aren't 'all or nothing.'

My AS is simply too much a part of who I am and I wouldn't do anything to change it. I would not be able to be so successful at my job without it. True the lack of social skills put me through hell but I have since learned work arounds for that. I also have celiac disease and almost died because of it. Now that I have that under control I am healthier at 39 than I was at 19. I am also a single parent and my son's mother is a deadbeat. Believe it or not female deadbeat parents really do exist. Ironically all of the hell that I went through is now and incredible source of strength for me. I can always look back and say I have endured far worse than what I am facing now. Sooner or later everyone (even NT's) has to face hurdles in life. Our hurdles are just different than others.

I HATE my learning and concentration difficulties, especially since my AS is quite severe. I hate knowing that I'm so different to everyone else, that I can't tell how people are feeling just by looking at their faces, that I don't always know what to say (and usually say the wrong thing), that my empathy isn't all that good in some areas (but MUCH better than NTs in some areas ), as it's cost me almost EVERY last NT friend, and of course everyone thinks that I act like this on PURPOSE!! !
Sometimes I'm grateful that I'm not like NTs, that I don't go around putting down people with disorders (or even mere differences) that they obviously can't help to make myself look good, sometimes I feel that if I WERE like that, people would like me.
Granted, I do like being more gifted in some areas than NTs, but when you're made to write 350 word essays about a piece of art (when anyone with an IQ can just LOOK AT IT), things along that line, and your verbal skills are crap compared to your practical skills, that doesn't exactly make you feel wonderful about yourself.

WOW, you HATE increased knowledge of interests, tenacity, pattern recognition, certain sensitivities? You hate reduction of OTHER sensitivities? WOW! What WOULD you want? OH, and you hate the ability to do math/music so quickly?

With me, I would feel GREAT if I could just deal better with women. That isn't even my only social problem! Some problems aren't even social! But it IS the big one.

Admittedly, I guess my case IS what would be called mild. My mother doesn't even remember some of the problems, and I certainly don't want to remind coworkers. Doctors may not notice traits, and I don't know if they would consider them significant enough to give me a diagnosis(Actually, I think the social problems qualify, and they WERE enough for my first grade school to refer me.), but they are there.

As for the other stuff? Well, the NT people don't understand some of MY jokes! Sometimes THEY are too gullible!

STILL, I DO like the increased knowledge of interests, tenacity, pattern recognition(even if mine is now slight), and certain sensitivities. Sometimes THEY talk to much!

As for the NT things? I am ambidextrous, and write cleaner than anyone I know. I wrote TEXTBOOK until a few years ago! I can't catch, or synchronize some movements as well as most NTs, but I do a LOT of things better than NTs! One NT actually didn't believe what was happening when I looked up, spoke with her, and continued writing, at the same time. She stopped talking, and read what I had written!

GRANTED, AS people aren't supposed to be able to do that, but I had the pencil there, knew what I had to write, etc... I would say that is multitasking!

Steve

Steve K,

I am much like you. I would probably fall on the mild end of the spectrum. I understand figures of speech and idioms (I couldn't have attained a Master's in English without that knowledge), had no academic difficulties, and have a lot of the AS strengths. I failed a spatial skills test and was asked, "How did you ever find your way around school?" That evaluator should know that I know where everything is located at my local library.

My main problem is that I tend to have moments where I put my foot in my mouth and say dumb stuff. I would like to prove to people that I can do certain things. I am absolutely stupid when people are watching me. I do my current job so well because nobody is looking over me.

My problems may seem trivial to most people, but they are irritating to me. I am doing well, but could be doing better.

I have those SAME problems! Some problems are SO inate to me that I just don't think of them anymore. If I tried to think of every PROBLEM I have with AS, I would probably think FORGET IT! WHO WOULD WANT THIS? YOU GUYS ARE NUTS!

When I think of the positive stuff, I think WOW! You mean some of my comfort, lack of certain bad experiences, getting out of certain problems, and my CAREER were almost PREORDAINED by a "disease"!?!?!?!? WOW! I mean computers and electronics to me are like SEX and SPORTS are to many NTs! And they are about as second nature! WOW!

So I am not going to think about the bad, the bullies, being laughed at for being "stupid"(Usually, THEY are the stupid ones, either saying something that can be taken several ways, not understanding my answer, or just believing the incorrect thing), the accusations, the stupid agreements I made with people, missing jokes, not being taken seriously, being cheated(usually knowing, but agreeing all the same), coordination problems, PE problems, lack of social interaction, sensory skewing, betc....

Instead I will think about the GOOD, the career, being highly praised and called a GENIUS, claims(by others) I can do ANYTHING, the problems I avoided, large vocabulary and high IQ, being the goto guy, having a good paying job, being able to do some things even without thinking, logical reasoning etc...., not caring so much about social problems, etc....

Steve

I hated it before I knew what it was. I don't hate it now I do know.

Same with me.
My life is a lot better now I know I have AS.

Me too! Knowledge is power! I'm going from strength to strength.