My Friends Parent Died, Friend doesn't care?

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wrongcitizen
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24 Feb 2017, 2:45 am

The title is self explanatory but here's my question in more detail: My friend recently lost a parent, and they haven't shown any sadness or grief. People I ask say that's normal for a person grieving, but if they don't give me ANYTHING to work with how do I know? Secondly, I know how nasty I sound and, to be perfectly honest, I just want to get this out. I don't want to live feeling like a narcissistic sociopath, and I want clarification on what's going on. Thirdly, they've been especially hostile to me and me only, not to others. They often disagree with me on small or useless things and won't budge when I try to correct them. They make annoying criticisms of me, and whenever I try to ask them what's wrong they alienate me. I know I can't possibly imagine what they're going through (I've lost people but not anyone this close) but I just want some answers, I'm confused and quite frankly frustrated and I would like to know if any of you know what's going on. The only thing I've been doing is asking him to WORD all his problems to me so I know what's wrong (I didn't say I had Aspergers, he knew already (Everyone knows)) which he doesn't do. I'm sorry if I sound, again, like a narcissistic sociopath but I'm not going to take any of those scoldingly harsh answers, I just want explanations. It's hard to empathize when you're confused and misguided.



Sweetleaf
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24 Feb 2017, 3:17 am

Perhaps you're being too pushy about it and that's why they are only being hostile towards you. If they want to talk to you about it they will, but sometimes people need time to process things like that and don't have much to say about it to everyone. Also why are you correcting them on small useless things anyways? sounds like you're demanding to know how they feel about it on a regular loss and even worse correcting them. Just back off a little



wrongcitizen
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24 Feb 2017, 4:48 am

Makes sense. I usually can't tell what other people want and that's my biggest problem. I originally thought he just wanted to take advantage. I am bad at understanding people, let alone reading them. No matter how good I get at math and programming and sciences I continue to suck at people. I tend to be extremely paranoid as a result and I guess that lead me to be pushy towards him.



Claradoon
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24 Feb 2017, 5:18 am

I remember my friend's mother, at her own mother's funeral, berating herself for not reacting. I had my arm around her and she was shaking like leaf from head to foot. No tears, no sadness, perfectly functional.

Please let go of any idea that we all grieve the same way, or visibly, or in proper order (the stages of grief). It's important to be aware of these reactions just in case they happen. But don't ask for reports.

No grief is the same. Rage is the most common reaction that I know of. There is no designated "stage" and confusion reigns, while the "leftover" (who didn't die) struggles to pick up the pieces and continue their own life as expected by everybody else.

I remember sitting on the bus, wondering what sort of monster I must be not to grieve for my aunt. I managed to squeeze two tears out of one eye. I didn't know that I was in shock and would stay that way for two years. I stopped reading - me, the bookaholic - didn't pick up a book for two years. To others, I seemed fine. My world was shattered but I didn't know that.

So each grief is unique, inexpressible, and terrible. The only thing you can do is walk along side your friend, making no demands and not needing to understand. Walk the path beside them, that's all you can do. "Positive listening" can help. My friend said, "Dad liked bagpipes." We talked about Scotland for a while. Hope it helped.

Grieving people don't know the answers anyway.
:heart: