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sos72
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

Joined: 25 Feb 2017
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 38
Location: Virginia

04 Mar 2017, 7:31 pm

i have referred to the following set of circumstances as a perfect storm...

i have always had insecurities... always thinking other people are mad at me or upset with me or can see right through me... it doesnt matter if there is only one other person in the room or a hundred... i am the focus of that persons anger or frustration... no matter what...

recently this has started to extend to my wife who i love more than anything and am so thankful i met her... my life started when i met her...

i have always trusted her and have encouraged her to go out with her friends so that she can have a social life outside of me... you see i have zero friends... none... i dont want that for her...

i will absolutely not go into detail over what was said as it doesnt matter... but something was said that fed into my insecurities and even though we initially got over that spat it obviously fractured my psyche more deeply than i realized...

because i got sick... just a simple cold... and i like my dayquil for the day time sniffles and the nyquil for the night time sniffles...

i'm also american (i've noticed we have quite the international audience here which is awesome) so if a little is good a lot is better...

i got extra strength dayquil and nyquil...

i took two doses of dayquil possibly closer than i should have... i didnt take the nyquil because i didnt want to sleep too heavy and snore (which keeps my wife up)... so instead i took a does of mucinex... well as it turned out mucinex-DM...

i wound up going to the basement and didnt sleep all night...

and then the demons started to creep into my head... all those doubts and insecurities... and this time it concerned my wife...

this turned into almost a week of sleepless nights fueled in part by my racing mind and in part possibly due to a lovely medication interaction... alcohol mixed with the above said nyquil let me sleep all of one hour before i was wide awake... yea i know... bad idea...

but the real medication interaction i think i had was with adderall (which i am Rx for adhd, i dont like it and actually take 1/2 of what i am Rx) and dextromethorphan which is in the dayquil... nyquil... and the 'harmless' mucinex which was actually mucinex-DM... 12 hour dosing...

adderall and dextromethorphan (likely too much initially but then i kept taking it)
my general insecurities and thinking negatively all the time
recent spat with wife which poked deeper at my insecurities than i realized

perfect storm

mother of all effing meltdowns...

when i cracked i was a monster... nothing physical but maybe that would have made it easier for her...

a week later part of me cant believe she didnt leave me and the other part wants so desperately to get her to trust me again and move on...

i think we will move on and it will fix so much of what was apparently wrong with our marriage...

prior to this she had suggested i have aspergers which i responded to angrily... i'm starting to think that i do and had my first appt with a psychologist with a follow up on Monday...

it's hard being so scared yet try and remain hopeful all at the same time...

part of me wants all the potential good to come of this and i want it right now... kind of like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate factory...

i love my wife more than anything and i always thought i was lucky to have her... now i'm starting to realize that luck was understatement...

the above storm was all of my making... cleaning up after it is gonna take me the rest of my life...


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-sos


kraftiekortie
Veteran
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Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 59,615
Location: Queens, NYC

04 Mar 2017, 7:57 pm

I'm glad your wife is there for you.



SaveFerris
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Joined: 3 Sep 2016
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04 Mar 2017, 8:26 pm

what a great description - a perfect storm.

I have felt the same at several points in my life and hate coincidences which is why I thought it was a perfect storm , correct planetary alignments and the right mixture of narcotics.


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