I'm very abusive and I hurt everyone

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ltcvnzl
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02 Apr 2017, 9:11 pm

I just got closer to 2 guys in my life and I see the same pattern of behavior happening with them and it's basically textbook of an abusive relationship (although often people put the man as the abusive pattern). I'm very mean to them when I get upset and I try to make them question their self-value and start to criticize very hardly and create confusions. I don't want to be like this?? I really want to be able to have a calm relationship and be a lovely girl and be good to the guys I like but I don't know what happens I just act mean...

I often tell to myself that I behave like this because in both cases there was some sort of rejection or general trouble in the relationship but I'm just making up excuses



burnt_orange
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02 Apr 2017, 10:19 pm

I have been like this as well. It's very sad because I feel that I have little control over it. I can't remember to do the right things, it doesn't come naturally to me to be good and nice. I have ruined relationships with my foul behavior. I can only suggest therapy and meds, maybe that would help.

Also, inform the people you love of your condition.



Stalk
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03 Apr 2017, 4:53 am

ltcvnzl wrote:
I just got closer to 2 guys in my life and I see the same pattern of behavior happening with them and it's basically textbook of an abusive relationship (although often people put the man as the abusive pattern). I'm very mean to them when I get upset and I try to make them question their self-value and start to criticize very hardly and create confusions. I don't want to be like this?? I really want to be able to have a calm relationship and be a lovely girl and be good to the guys I like but I don't know what happens I just act mean...

I often tell to myself that I behave like this because in both cases there was some sort of rejection or general trouble in the relationship but I'm just making up excuses


Are you an INFP or ISFP?



ltcvnzl
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03 Apr 2017, 10:53 am

burnt_orange wrote:
I have been like this as well. It's very sad because I feel that I have little control over it. I can't remember to do the right things, it doesn't come naturally to me to be good and nice. I have ruined relationships with my foul behavior. I can only suggest therapy and meds, maybe that would help.

Also, inform the people you love of your condition.


I feel weird because I'm often nice and kind to strangers or people I don't have much emotional bonding. Once I make emotional bonding, I became really bad and unstable. :/

Maybe it's just because it's easier to copy social skills on more superficial levels, but when it becomes to closer contact, I don't have much references.



ltcvnzl
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03 Apr 2017, 10:54 am

Stalk wrote:
ltcvnzl wrote:
I just got closer to 2 guys in my life and I see the same pattern of behavior happening with them and it's basically textbook of an abusive relationship (although often people put the man as the abusive pattern). I'm very mean to them when I get upset and I try to make them question their self-value and start to criticize very hardly and create confusions. I don't want to be like this?? I really want to be able to have a calm relationship and be a lovely girl and be good to the guys I like but I don't know what happens I just act mean...

I often tell to myself that I behave like this because in both cases there was some sort of rejection or general trouble in the relationship but I'm just making up excuses


Are you an INFP or ISFP?


INFP, but I don't understand much about it. I just took a test once but I didn't even remember if I read the descriptions.



slw1990
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03 Apr 2017, 5:54 pm

Is it hard for you to trust people?



ltcvnzl
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03 Apr 2017, 6:18 pm

slw1990 wrote:
Is it hard for you to trust people?


yes



Raleigh
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03 Apr 2017, 6:22 pm

I cause harm to people without even trying.

I'm a clueless abuser.


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jrjones9933
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04 Apr 2017, 11:45 am

Try breathwork.

If hurting people comes in response to a neurotic pattern in your mind, that should help. It sounds like you regret hurting people afterwards, and I consider that a positive sign.

When people have a lot of anger and resentment, they can target safe people with it. I've received plenty of this in my lifetime. I show concern about someone, and get back a face full of all the resentment and hurt they've taken from people like me (tall, male, whatever). I'm safe to unload on, or at least safer than the people who actually hurt them. If this is what's happening with you, you need to work out that psychodrama inside yourself rather than imposing it on other people. Or, at least, set it up so that you both know what you're doing and everyone consents to the role play.

When you think about your allies, be sure you really consider them allies, and not a threat. It makes sense to strengthen allies, and weaken threats, so be sure you have people properly classified in your defensive systems. Defensive systems are great, if programmed correctly.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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06 Apr 2017, 4:51 am

Then stop being abusive.



Alliekit
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06 Apr 2017, 3:19 pm

It might be worth seeing someone about it. You cant be going around hurting people.



Keigan
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06 Apr 2017, 4:17 pm

ltcvnzl wrote:
I'm very mean to them when I get upset and I try to make them question their self-value and start to criticize very hardly and create confusions. I don't want to be like this


Well, stop that!



ltcvnzl
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06 Apr 2017, 5:11 pm

I know I need to stop, but I don't do this things very consciously I can perceive it after only... I feel the best way to avoid it is to avoid getting close to anyone :/

It really break my heart when I see I hard hurt this guy, I told him after, calmly, that I was sorry, tried to explained what lead me to this and we are not talking anymore. It's the best way, but it's very saddening because I think I love him but I'm not even sure because I should care for him.



AngelRho
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06 Apr 2017, 8:25 pm

I've been working in a Catholic school for two years now. I'm not Catholic myself, but I am Christian. So as a way of showing solidarity with my Catholic colleagues, I decided to actually do something for Lent. First, I began a 40 day water fast. Second, I gave up yelling at my students.

My violent tendencies don't reflect on the person I want to be, nor is it consistent with the school vision. It's certainly not who I am at home with my own children or other people.

On the one hand, I could just say they're just rotten kids.

But another way of looking at it is the results of their misbehavior and defiance bother me more than it does them.

So I started using earplugs. I speak with a low volume. I handle discipline problems individually. They are forced to discipline each other and themselves while all I do is show up and teach. My classroom is completely different now...and so am I.

For me, simply attenuating the background noise vastly improved my mood, helping me keep calm. By eliminating a trigger, I'm a more effective teacher and can work better with kids without yelling at them.

What's my point? I suspect something is simply setting you off. What is it, and what simple accommodations can you make for yourself to at least lessen the effects of those thing?



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07 Apr 2017, 11:15 pm

ltcvnzl wrote:
I just got closer to 2 guys in my life and I see the same pattern of behavior happening with them and it's basically textbook of an abusive relationship (although often people put the man as the abusive pattern). I'm very mean to them when I get upset and I try to make them question their self-value and start to criticize very hardly and create confusions. I don't want to be like this?? I really want to be able to have a calm relationship and be a lovely girl and be good to the guys I like but I don't know what happens I just act mean...

I often tell to myself that I behave like this because in both cases there was some sort of rejection or general trouble in the relationship but I'm just making up excuses


I think you should not be in a relationship until you can treat people better.



ltcvnzl
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08 Apr 2017, 1:56 am

I feel very pathetic because I as all sad when I made this topic and now I just discovered something really bad about this guy and I feel I'm a bad person but gosh people can be worst