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Peppercorn
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23 Apr 2017, 2:51 am

My 11-yr-old is very naive and trusting and is going through puberty. She has always stuck out from her peers and had trouble in elementary school but this has escalated to full-blown bullying in middle school. She is very naive and does not catch on to being bullied right away. Thankfully, she shares what happens at school with me and I intervene immediately, alerting teachers and staff to her being picked on.

Recently, a group of 5 boys invited her to sit with them at their table. She was hesitant but then there was nowhere else to sit and she says they were telling her that one of the boys in the table has a crush on her and would like to marry her. After lunch, the little pricks shepherded her to a remote corner of their playground and told her that they ALL wanted to marry her and that she had to pick one of them. My daughter told them that she didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and that she would marry them each in order (big mistake). That resulted in one boy (J) telling her that she should start by hugging them all first, starting with X (one of the boys in the group). My daughter said that she didn't want to hug anyone and this boy supposedly responded with a, "Oh, so you don't want the money after all !" and then PUSHED my daughter towards X, to force her to hug him.

Luckily, two girls witnessed this incident and told my daughter not to listen to those "stupid boys". So, my daughter pulled away, refused to hug X, and said that she'd rather hug a nearby tree, to which J told her that she should "jerk off with the tree and produce a baby tree !" Please note that these are sixth grade boys !

My daughter told me this incident, and cried that she didn't want to produce a "baby tree". I assured her that that won't happen and reported the incident to the school. I hope they take some action this coming week.

My child says that she feels very bad refusing to hug people when they ask for hugs or money or just about anything ! She also has given money away in the past when other kids have asked her for money, because she didn't want them to "feel bad". I have talked to her about the need for boundaries and the need for her to respect other people and to be respected back and not get taken advantage of, but she just doesn't seem to get it. She also has no "filters" and blurts things out as they strike her and sometimes talks about unrelated topics, so these things flag her as an easy victim to some of the bullies at school.

She is very intelligent and at the top of her class, academically, but I am really worried about her naivete and her inability to detect bullying on time, and preempting it or escaping it. I shudder to think of what might have happened if those girls hadn't walked up and told her not to listen to those boys, tipping her off to the fact / idea that she could say NO. I do talk to her about the incidents and have shared some basic warning signals, but she wants to give other kids "the benefit of the doubt" so I am very worried.

Please help !



yungsavage
Blue Jay
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Joined: 23 Apr 2017
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23 Apr 2017, 3:39 am

The way that those boys were acting is relatively normal for 6th graders. If your daughter is pursued by a lot of boys then you should want to teach her that she does not have to make everybody happy and that she can reject any boy if she isn't interested in them.

Kids with autism are pretty bad at handling stuff like this. When I was younger I had the opposite problem. If anybody said anything remotely rude to me or somebody I liked, I would beat the s**t out of them until I was stopped. This was actually a very bad thing because I thought everybody was out to get me, and if somebody was doing something which I deemed annoying, I would think that they were purposefully doing it to annoy me.

What you need to tell your daughter is that she doesn't need to do anything for anybody if she doesn't want to. If she really isn't getting this, I would recommend counseling. Falling into peer pressure is a common thing for kids with HFA. This can be a problem because as they get older, people are gonna start offering them drugs, boys/girls are going to want to hook up with them, and they need to know that they can deny any of these things if they want to.



ElabR8Aspie
Sea Gull
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Joined: 9 Apr 2017
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Posts: 207
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23 Apr 2017, 3:42 am

No matter what age,most males will behave and think with there groins first.

Predatory behavior to full fill there own end goal.

All i can offer,just educate your daughter on how males think and what there end goal is.

I know some aren't,but work on the worst case scenario.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 159 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 75 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment." --Ralph Waldo Emerson


Redxk
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Joined: 28 Jun 2016
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23 Apr 2017, 5:14 am

Hello,
I taught 6th grade for 11 years, and it really stood out to me where you said you *hope* the school will take action this next week. My advice would be to seek out one at least staff member whom you trust completely and really connect with that person. If they don't make time for you, move on to someone who does.

Most schools claim to have a zero-tolerance policy towards bullying, but few have much of a plan for making it a reality. Ask for specifics​ of their plan and hold them to it. Look for depth and thoughtfulness in their responses, including how they plan to prevent it from happening in the future.

You might look into structured activities that the school offers during break times and that your daughter is interested in. For example, many schools have clubs that meet during breaks, or invite students to stay in and help in the library, the office, or other areas of the school.

At home, you can use "social stories" that offer bullying scenarios​ as a basis for helping her recognize and plan for the real thing. Books of them are available, and there are probably some online.

Hope I've been helpful. I am not only on the spectrum myself, I also have a child on the spectrum. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.



yungsavage
Blue Jay
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Joined: 23 Apr 2017
Age: 21
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Posts: 95
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23 Apr 2017, 5:28 am

Redxk wrote:
Hello,
I taught 6th grade for 11 years, and it really stood out to me where you said you *hope* the school will take action this next week. My advice would be to seek out one at least staff member whom you trust completely and really connect with that person. If they don't make time for you, move on to someone who does.

Most schools claim to have a zero-tolerance policy towards bullying, but few have much of a plan for making it a reality. Ask for specifics​ of their plan and hold them to it. Look for depth and thoughtfulness in their responses, including how they plan to prevent it from happening in the future.

You might look into structured activities that the school offers during break times and that your daughter is interested in. For example, many schools have clubs that meet during breaks, or invite students to stay in and help in the library, the office, or other areas of the school.

At home, you can use "social stories" that offer bullying scenarios​ as a basis for helping her recognize and plan for the real thing. Books of them are available, and there are probably some online.

Hope I've been helpful. I am not only on the spectrum myself, I also have a child on the spectrum. My heart goes out to you and your daughter.


100% what he said! Sadly, a lot of schools (especially in the USA) turn a blind eye to bullying. If schools helped kids who were bullied more often, I guarantee that the amount of school shootings that happen in the US would lower drastically.