If could go back in time I would tried harder to socialise with other people at school and then I wouldn’t have been lonely and depressed and with this terrible devil illness ocd. And stayed at college and got a car. And went travelling in Europe. Been autistic is lonely. If that makes any sense.
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quite frankly, i have a lot of regrets about the past. for one thing, i should've gotten diagnosed earlier. gone to psychotherapy and taken prescription capsules. clinical depression, autism, Gender Identity Disorder. likewise, would not have gone to college in a homophobic city.
socializing is a peculiar topic. maybe i would not have tried as hard to socialize, b/c then i would not have subjected myself to become vulnerable to social rejection. social rejection wounds. immediately, profoundly, and sometimes permanently. being autistic "is lonely", as you point out. (fine). yes, i get it. i am autistic, and i am lonely. okay. however, the solar system contains a lot of worse things than being "lonely". and many of those things, i have not yet had to deal with.
or maybe if i were to have tried harder to socialize, i would've been successful. or, at least, more successful. as usual, i do not know, b/c i ain't psychic.
the other thing with school, is that students with special education diagnoses sometimes qualify for private school vouchers, when public schools can't meet their needs. (according to a book called Not My Boy, but it did not specify what state and what year it applied to. or the financial cost of the private school that the voucher paid for. ). a local public school has a job training program for students 18-24. so might've gone there. in those 6 years, could've become more marketable.
but whatever.
would not have taken the SAT in 7th grade, by my precious lil "parents" made me.
actually, i would go so far as to say, would not have taken the SAT altogether, unless i choose to. in 11th grade.
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having said that, in the distant past, especially middle school, a lot of emotionally disturbing events occurred. thus, i would not wanna go back into the past, to attempt to correct the problems, b/c then i might do something and make the problems exacerbated instead of improved.
05 Jun 2017, 8:53 pm
