Feeling jealous about NT's lives and opportunities

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So I searched for this feeling on google and found a text that is just the same as I experience. So similar that I'll just copy/paste here. Well, in my case you can change the "sisters" for "brothers", and the ages are different too, but the story is basically the same.



"Hi all,

I'm 17 and have Asperger's, and I have two younger sisters, one 14 (15 in May) and one who has just turned 13. They are both NT, and therefore I see them having "normal" teenage lives (the 14-year-old is nauseatingly attractive, popular, clever and has a wonderful singing voice; she has even begun to be asked out by boys, and the 13-year-old is the most socially intelligent person I have ever met and treats me like I'm stupid and snaps at me) and I feel very inadequate. I saw my sister beautifully dressed to go to a party last night and went to bed and cried and cried because I feel so lonely and so cheated. My parents often say to me: "Well, you don't want to go to parties, Liv," and it's true; I don't, but I so want to be the person who does. I feel useless and fed up; I try so hard to fit in every day but, as soon as I start to feel more comfortable with myself, something seems to come along and reinforce that I never will go to parties or have NT friendships or boyfriends (not that any boy would want me even if I was NT as I'm not good looking). I know it's pointless and a victim attitude, but I can't seem to change how I feel. Also, I get the idea that my sisters are ashamed of me - maybe it's just my perception, but perception feels like reality, doesn't it? - as they often don't talk to me and go off together discussing things I can't relate to. I feel guilty that I can't relate to them, and guilty that I haven't been able to fufil the "big sister role"; it feels very demeaning that they are younger and blossoming into beautiful young women, and I'm stuck in this backwards little-girlhood, unable to give big-sisterly advice or support re boys or friendship fallouts, because I've never been through it. I do see the positives in this as it can be traumatic, but I see there as being so many more fun carefree times being pretty and respected in school, and I've never experienced it; when I was their age, the only real interactions I had with my peers were when they were bullying or "just teasing" me. I'm only making things worse by being jealous and self-indulgent, I know, but not being jealous is easier said than done, and I try to ignore the loneliness but I get so depressed sometimes - I can't always keep it at bay.

I'm sorry for such a maudlin post, but it's helpful to get these feelings out.

Liv x "

Source:http://community.autism.org.uk/discussions/general-discussions/general-chat/i-cant-stop-feeling-jealous-my-nt-sisters



What are your feelings about this? Do you experience it or have experienced it in the past?

I get how the girl feels left out and all and doesn't go out. I personally don't want or like going out. Just going to someone's house at the most just to talk and hang out with.

I know that feeling all too well. It can be a vicious cycle; naturally you aren't too bothered about going out socialising at bars, but when being surrounded with very social NTs who seem to just get it all without making too much effort, makes it hard for you to accept the way you are. And, somewhere deep inside, there IS an NT you, being imprisoned by your Asperger's, which is the evil enemy. It's like the NT part of myself is the hostage and the Asperger's is the terrorist.

Sometimes I get jealous of people with more autism, who are somewhat oblivious to the social world and can focus on a special interest all day. But not everybody on the spectrum is like that. It is harder when you rank around average to below average intelligence, have a lot of natural social skills (but still odd and have difficulty making friends), naturally care about what others think of you (which is hard to change), is very aware of how the NT world works, and is forced to find a job and go out to work because you don't meet the criteria of "disabled". In most areas of life I am mentally capable and can basically be an NT. But then there are other areas of my life where my Asperger's just gets in the way and makes things difficult.

And I've been jealous of NTs all my life (well, since I was diagnosed in childhood). I'm the only person in my family with an ASD, I think. One or two might have a couple of ASD traits and seem awkward, but not enough to really have an effect on their lives. And all of my cousins are NTs, except for one who has some sort of mild learning difficulties and self-esteem issues, which mildly affects her social performance, but I'm not sure that classifies as NT or not. My mum has a sister with 2 grown-up children that have both always been popular, sporty, good-looking and bright. It's like they were just born that way, where as I was born shy, anxious and unconfident. Now they are in well-paid jobs, offered to them by confident and rich people they know mutually.
Don't get me wrong, I love them both, and I would never be hostile or anything, but I have always secretly been jealous of them.

I have problems with this. I have a cousin who's only 4 months older than me and we have spent so much time together growing up we might as well be siblings. At this age especially (he's 17 and I'm 16 turning 17 soon) where he has a car and goes places and has friends and hangs out places and all that. It's like a "this is what your life could be without autism". It gets difficult at times.

I don't think it's ever been worse for me than it is right now in college. I'm around people my age who have hit all these milestones and know how to talk to each other and have multitudes of friends and go out and have fun with them every day, and I can't do that. I want to be able to hold conversations and make friends and be in a relationship, but I don't know how. It just shows how much of a barrier autism is from leading a normal life for me.

I sucked at these things when I went to high school, and would have sucked at them had I gone to college immediately after high school.

Just hang out, at the start, with people who are into English and grammar, and perhaps linguistics. You'll feel better. Once you've established confidence hanging out with people who share your interests, you can branch out.

I've been a clerk all my working life. I've never got a promotion. It's quite disconcerting having an "entry level" job when I've been at the job 37 years.

I feel this way, too. I was the older of two girls, and felt like a complete failure as a first born. I felt I had nothing to give. The only time I had the upper hand was academically. I kept hoping that someday I would grow up and blossom into a normal woman. It will never happen. I thought I was improving, but something happened that nearly took it all away. I will never have what the typical person my age has. If by some miracle it happens, it will be in a different, to most eyes, inferior way.

I seemed so positive when I first joined the Wrong Planet website. I wish I hadn't been so arrogant. It's all coming to bite me now.

Ahh I've been there at that very story once.
Except, I only have one younger sister. That 'story' of mine starts at earlier ages of 8 and onwards.
And I got my own wish fulfillments on things I used to envied about. With so many twisted revelations about NTs themselves. And found more with all the envy died along the way, that I cannot feel envy about anything that involves humans and humanity anymore.

And no, it's not the 'NT' imprisoned within 'ASD'. It's the human's side of being a social creature in nature that is left unfulfilled and deprived.
Being in the spectrum only lessens the chance of fulfilling it. Along with being surrounded by the wrong people regardless the neurology.
The main point is, NT or ND, they're still humans with human needs. And NT does not define fully functioning, what makes a human, nor guarantees fulfillment.

I know what it was like to be socially-conscious. I know what was like to be blissfully ignorant about the social realms.
And now I know what was it like to be in-between it, and learning more about it.

I've been this witness who witnessed my peers and my own sister go through the 'teenage life' I never felt. I got confused by it first, been envied about it, and then I moved on.

Lastly, on the story, the part that I could only truly relate, is the big sister role and being left out.

Except my own sister does not treat me like an idiot. More like she treats me like I'm younger than her and being treated like one, except THAT hurts her esteem and not mine.

As for being left out, not because I'm 'left behind' per se, as I chose the slower path myself and being uninterested in certain pursuits.
Because I have no 'equal'. Because I never been there wherever anyone else was, nor no one else had been where I've been. Because there's no understanding towards my case, nor able to relate or any sort in both parties.


In the end, I moved on long time ago. Not because I gave up on it, because I know myself and know enough that such fulfillment would be better in another time, in another place... Maybe in another life.
And because the perception of others are just as relative and does not truly define who I'm.

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I would be lying if I said that I have never felt jealous and even resentful of NTs on some occasions in the past. However, I have slowly learnt to accept myself for who/what I am, and I count myself fortunate that I don't experience such a wide-range of emotions as seemingly everyone else. Whilst it might well imply that my emotional/social IQ is mind-bogglingly low, I am grateful that I don't possess the innate ability to play 'games' with people.

I think the teen years are the worst for people on the spectrum because there is such a focus on being social, fitting in, doing trendy things, wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, being interested in what everyone else is interested in, and everyone's a little more shallow with relationships because its all about physical attraction (probably because of hormones)... its all social, social, social. Fit in, fit in, fit in. Its like exclusively the stuff that people on the spectrum either suck at or have zero interest in.
The rest of life isn't like that. There's still elements of it, but no where near as much. As you get older it becomes a balance of stuff that suits you and the stuff that doesn't. In teen years its all the stuff that doesn't. Hope this makes sense, it does in my head lol