Feeling jealous about NT's lives and opportunities

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TheWarrior
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05 Jun 2017, 5:44 pm

So I searched for this feeling on google and found a text that is just the same as I experience. So similar that I'll just copy/paste here. Well, in my case you can change the "sisters" for "brothers", and the ages are different too, but the story is basically the same.



"Hi all,

I'm 17 and have Asperger's, and I have two younger sisters, one 14 (15 in May) and one who has just turned 13. They are both NT, and therefore I see them having "normal" teenage lives (the 14-year-old is nauseatingly attractive, popular, clever and has a wonderful singing voice; she has even begun to be asked out by boys, and the 13-year-old is the most socially intelligent person I have ever met and treats me like I'm stupid and snaps at me) and I feel very inadequate. I saw my sister beautifully dressed to go to a party last night and went to bed and cried and cried because I feel so lonely and so cheated. My parents often say to me: "Well, you don't want to go to parties, Liv," and it's true; I don't, but I so want to be the person who does. I feel useless and fed up; I try so hard to fit in every day but, as soon as I start to feel more comfortable with myself, something seems to come along and reinforce that I never will go to parties or have NT friendships or boyfriends (not that any boy would want me even if I was NT as I'm not good looking). I know it's pointless and a victim attitude, but I can't seem to change how I feel. Also, I get the idea that my sisters are ashamed of me - maybe it's just my perception, but perception feels like reality, doesn't it? - as they often don't talk to me and go off together discussing things I can't relate to. I feel guilty that I can't relate to them, and guilty that I haven't been able to fufil the "big sister role"; it feels very demeaning that they are younger and blossoming into beautiful young women, and I'm stuck in this backwards little-girlhood, unable to give big-sisterly advice or support re boys or friendship fallouts, because I've never been through it. I do see the positives in this as it can be traumatic, but I see there as being so many more fun carefree times being pretty and respected in school, and I've never experienced it; when I was their age, the only real interactions I had with my peers were when they were bullying or "just teasing" me. I'm only making things worse by being jealous and self-indulgent, I know, but not being jealous is easier said than done, and I try to ignore the loneliness but I get so depressed sometimes - I can't always keep it at bay.

I'm sorry for such a maudlin post, but it's helpful to get these feelings out.

Liv x "

Source:http://community.autism.org.uk/discussions/general-discussions/general-chat/i-cant-stop-feeling-jealous-my-nt-sisters



What are your feelings about this? Do you experience it or have experienced it in the past?



Corny
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05 Jun 2017, 7:01 pm

I get how the girl feels left out and all and doesn't go out. I personally don't want or like going out. Just going to someone's house at the most just to talk and hang out with.



Joe90
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05 Jun 2017, 7:30 pm

I know that feeling all too well. It can be a vicious cycle; naturally you aren't too bothered about going out socialising at bars, but when being surrounded with very social NTs who seem to just get it all without making too much effort, makes it hard for you to accept the way you are. And, somewhere deep inside, there IS an NT you, being imprisoned by your Asperger's, which is the evil enemy. It's like the NT part of myself is the hostage and the Asperger's is the terrorist.

Sometimes I get jealous of people with more autism, who are somewhat oblivious to the social world and can focus on a special interest all day. But not everybody on the spectrum is like that. It is harder when you rank around average to below average intelligence, have a lot of natural social skills (but still odd and have difficulty making friends), naturally care about what others think of you (which is hard to change), is very aware of how the NT world works, and is forced to find a job and go out to work because you don't meet the criteria of "disabled". In most areas of life I am mentally capable and can basically be an NT. But then there are other areas of my life where my Asperger's just gets in the way and makes things difficult.

And I've been jealous of NTs all my life (well, since I was diagnosed in childhood). I'm the only person in my family with an ASD, I think. One or two might have a couple of ASD traits and seem awkward, but not enough to really have an effect on their lives. And all of my cousins are NTs, except for one who has some sort of mild learning difficulties and self-esteem issues, which mildly affects her social performance, but I'm not sure that classifies as NT or not. My mum has a sister with 2 grown-up children that have both always been popular, sporty, good-looking and bright. It's like they were just born that way, where as I was born shy, anxious and unconfident. Now they are in well-paid jobs, offered to them by confident and rich people they know mutually.
Don't get me wrong, I love them both, and I would never be hostile or anything, but I have always secretly been jealous of them.


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EzraS
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05 Jun 2017, 8:38 pm

I have problems with this. I have a cousin who's only 4 months older than me and we have spent so much time together growing up we might as well be siblings. At this age especially (he's 17 and I'm 16 turning 17 soon) where he has a car and goes places and has friends and hangs out places and all that. It's like a "this is what your life could be without autism". It gets difficult at times.

Quote:
Sometimes I get jealous of people with more autism, who are somewhat oblivious to the social world and can focus on a special interest all day.


I am one of those people. But there are times where I just want to be able to live a regular life for someone my age. I think a lot of people with moderate to severe autism are painfully aware of the fact that they are imprisoned by their autism and yearn to break free. Fortunately I have been able to do this to a degree due to me ability to communicate and interact textually.

But anyways I know the felling of being jealous and resentful at times. My cousin is like a best friend and he is willing to take me practically anywhere with him. But sometimes that just makes it worse. That feeling of being completely alone and isolated in a room full of people, and watching him interact smoothly socially. Most of the time I just want to get back home asap.



Grammar Geek
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05 Jun 2017, 8:51 pm

I don't think it's ever been worse for me than it is right now in college. I'm around people my age who have hit all these milestones and know how to talk to each other and have multitudes of friends and go out and have fun with them every day, and I can't do that. I want to be able to hold conversations and make friends and be in a relationship, but I don't know how. It just shows how much of a barrier autism is from leading a normal life for me.



kraftiekortie
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05 Jun 2017, 8:56 pm

I sucked at these things when I went to high school, and would have sucked at them had I gone to college immediately after high school.

Just hang out, at the start, with people who are into English and grammar, and perhaps linguistics. You'll feel better. Once you've established confidence hanging out with people who share your interests, you can branch out.

I've been a clerk all my working life. I've never got a promotion. It's quite disconcerting having an "entry level" job when I've been at the job 37 years.



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05 Jun 2017, 9:30 pm

I feel this way, too. I was the older of two girls, and felt like a complete failure as a first born. I felt I had nothing to give. The only time I had the upper hand was academically. I kept hoping that someday I would grow up and blossom into a normal woman. It will never happen. I thought I was improving, but something happened that nearly took it all away. I will never have what the typical person my age has. If by some miracle it happens, it will be in a different, to most eyes, inferior way.

I seemed so positive when I first joined the Wrong Planet website. I wish I hadn't been so arrogant. It's all coming to bite me now.



Edna3362
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05 Jun 2017, 11:26 pm

Ahh :twisted: I've been there at that very story once.
Except, I only have one younger sister. That 'story' of mine starts at earlier ages of 8 and onwards.
And I got my own wish fulfillments on things I used to envied about. :lol: With so many twisted revelations about NTs themselves. And found more with all the envy died along the way, that I cannot feel envy about anything that involves humans and humanity anymore.

And no, it's not the 'NT' imprisoned within 'ASD'. It's the human's side of being a social creature in nature that is left unfulfilled and deprived.
Being in the spectrum only lessens the chance of fulfilling it. Along with being surrounded by the wrong people regardless the neurology.
The main point is, NT or ND, they're still humans with human needs. And NT does not define fully functioning, what makes a human, nor guarantees fulfillment.

I know what it was like to be socially-conscious. I know what was like to be blissfully ignorant about the social realms.
And now I know what was it like to be in-between it, and learning more about it.

I've been this witness who witnessed my peers and my own sister go through the 'teenage life' I never felt. I got confused by it first, been envied about it, and then I moved on.

Lastly, on the story, the part that I could only truly relate, is the big sister role and being left out. :lol:

Except my own sister does not treat me like an idiot. More like she treats me like I'm younger than her and being treated like one, except THAT hurts her esteem and not mine.

As for being left out, not because I'm 'left behind' per se, as I chose the slower path myself and being uninterested in certain pursuits.
Because I have no 'equal'. Because I never been there wherever anyone else was, nor no one else had been where I've been. Because there's no understanding towards my case, nor able to relate or any sort in both parties.


In the end, I moved on long time ago. Not because I gave up on it, because I know myself and know enough that such fulfillment would be better in another time, in another place... Maybe in another life. :lol:
And because the perception of others are just as relative and does not truly define who I'm.


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TheWarrior
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07 Jun 2017, 5:10 pm

Edna3362 wrote:
And no, it's not the 'NT' imprisoned within 'ASD'. It's the human's side of being a social creature in nature that is left unfulfilled and deprived.


You just nailed it.
Honestly I never understood this "NT imprisoded by the AS" thing, sounds almost like something you'd find on a shallow self help book.

Come on, AS is who we are. It defines how we perceive the world, how we interact with things, etc. Seeing ASD as an an evil demon is just childish.

We want to be in a group just like we want to sleep and eat, our biology wants that because it makes us more addapted to survive in the jungle or other hostile environments.



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07 Jun 2017, 5:22 pm

I would be lying if I said that I have never felt jealous and even resentful of NTs on some occasions in the past. However, I have slowly learnt to accept myself for who/what I am, and I count myself fortunate that I don't experience such a wide-range of emotions as seemingly everyone else. Whilst it might well imply that my emotional/social IQ is mind-bogglingly low, I am grateful that I don't possess the innate ability to play 'games' with people.


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Capulet
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07 Jun 2017, 5:37 pm

I think the teen years are the worst for people on the spectrum because there is such a focus on being social, fitting in, doing trendy things, wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, being interested in what everyone else is interested in, and everyone's a little more shallow with relationships because its all about physical attraction (probably because of hormones)... its all social, social, social. Fit in, fit in, fit in. Its like exclusively the stuff that people on the spectrum either suck at or have zero interest in.
The rest of life isn't like that. There's still elements of it, but no where near as much. As you get older it becomes a balance of stuff that suits you and the stuff that doesn't. In teen years its all the stuff that doesn't. Hope this makes sense, it does in my head lol


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TheWarrior
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08 Jun 2017, 11:45 pm

Capulet wrote:
I think the teen years are the worst for people on the spectrum because there is such a focus on being social, fitting in, doing trendy things, wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, being interested in what everyone else is interested in, and everyone's a little more shallow with relationships because its all about physical attraction (probably because of hormones)... its all social, social, social. Fit in, fit in, fit in. Its like exclusively the stuff that people on the spectrum either suck at or have zero interest in.
The rest of life isn't like that. There's still elements of it, but no where near as much. As you get older it becomes a balance of stuff that suits you and the stuff that doesn't. In teen years its all the stuff that doesn't. Hope this makes sense, it does in my head lol


It does make a lot of sense. Thanks for the input.

Anyway, even on adult life, not fitting in is still a pain in the @ss, specially when you see how much success other people are having in their lives for having this ability we totally lack.



Nickchick
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09 Jun 2017, 2:41 pm

TheWarrior wrote:
Capulet wrote:
I think the teen years are the worst for people on the spectrum because there is such a focus on being social, fitting in, doing trendy things, wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, being interested in what everyone else is interested in, and everyone's a little more shallow with relationships because its all about physical attraction (probably because of hormones)... its all social, social, social. Fit in, fit in, fit in. Its like exclusively the stuff that people on the spectrum either suck at or have zero interest in.
The rest of life isn't like that. There's still elements of it, but no where near as much. As you get older it becomes a balance of stuff that suits you and the stuff that doesn't. In teen years its all the stuff that doesn't. Hope this makes sense, it does in my head lol


It does make a lot of sense. Thanks for the input.

Anyway, even on adult life, not fitting in is still a pain in the @ss, specially when you see how much success other people are having in their lives for having this ability we totally lack.



For me it's more difficult as an adult than it was when I was a kid. I'm not trying to scare you or anything (don't be like me) but hopefully since you're aware of it I'm not discouraging you more.
I kinda bask in being an outsider but I also know that being an outsider makes it difficult to be successful in life. I can pretend that it doesn't but that's just not the reality. I don't care what anyone says you do have to be likeable to get in a job..otherwise there wouldn't be such a thing as networking. Experience does matter but it has to be formal work history and how do you get that work history without being sociable? Plus if you don't have the formal work history you better be perfect socially to make up for it. It doesn't matter how honest or hard working I am. I could get a job tomorrow if I was good at lying because people many people do lie about their work history.
I'm envious. I don't necessarily want to be NT because it might mean being "normal" and being normal is vastly overrated so I'd never think about curing what I have. However I do wish I possessed the ability to pretend for a moment I was or that I was extraordinary in a way that looked good to them. I always stand out in a bad way.
Sad part is I not only get envious of NTs because it's so much easier for them (I'm not saying they don't have their problems) but I've found that I get uncomfortable around other "special" people because they are more low functioning and that means they get more support. I'm in the freakin middle and it sucks.

There is a plus I guess. When you become an adult you can cut off toxic family members but for me my teen years were the most difficult because I subconsciously knew what was coming. I didn't want to leave high school because school was the best years of my life in that sense.



TheWarrior
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09 Jun 2017, 7:53 pm

Nickchick wrote:
TheWarrior wrote:
Capulet wrote:
I think the teen years are the worst for people on the spectrum because there is such a focus on being social, fitting in, doing trendy things, wearing the right clothes, saying the right things, being interested in what everyone else is interested in, and everyone's a little more shallow with relationships because its all about physical attraction (probably because of hormones)... its all social, social, social. Fit in, fit in, fit in. Its like exclusively the stuff that people on the spectrum either suck at or have zero interest in.
The rest of life isn't like that. There's still elements of it, but no where near as much. As you get older it becomes a balance of stuff that suits you and the stuff that doesn't. In teen years its all the stuff that doesn't. Hope this makes sense, it does in my head lol


It does make a lot of sense. Thanks for the input.

Anyway, even on adult life, not fitting in is still a pain in the @ss, specially when you see how much success other people are having in their lives for having this ability we totally lack.



For me it's more difficult as an adult than it was when I was a kid. I'm not trying to scare you or anything (don't be like me) but hopefully since you're aware of it I'm not discouraging you more.
I kinda bask in being an outsider but I also know that being an outsider makes it difficult to be successful in life. I can pretend that it doesn't but that's just not the reality. I don't care what anyone says you do have to be likeable to get in a job..otherwise there wouldn't be such a thing as networking. Experience does matter but it has to be formal work history and how do you get that work history without being sociable? Plus if you don't have the formal work history you better be perfect socially to make up for it. It doesn't matter how honest or hard working I am. I could get a job tomorrow if I was good at lying because people many people do lie about their work history.
I'm envious. I don't necessarily want to be NT because it might mean being "normal" and being normal is vastly overrated so I'd never think about curing what I have. However I do wish I possessed the ability to pretend for a moment I was or that I was extraordinary in a way that looked good to them. I always stand out in a bad way.
Sad part is I not only get envious of NTs because it's so much easier for them (I'm not saying they don't have their problems) but I've found that I get uncomfortable around other "special" people because they are more low functioning and that means they get more support. I'm in the freakin middle and it sucks.

There is a plus I guess. When you become an adult you can cut off toxic family members but for me my teen years were the most difficult because I subconsciously knew what was coming. I didn't want to leave high school because school was the best years of my life in that sense.


Yeah the truth is that the most sociable people are always the "winners", whether it's job or relationships.

And being on the spectrum is hard because our social skills is usually the most affected aspect.