Can anybody offer me advice about the meds I've been given?

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Hi there,

To make the story short... Is there anything I can do about my meds?

I have Aspergers Syndrome / autism Spectrum Disorder, suffered a long, long time with depression that improves in summer, and OCD, both with compulsions but more so with pure obsessions. Had therapy for years but finally decided to try medication.

Psych at autism centre put me on Zoloft mg and Trazedone to help me sleep more than 5/6 hours. I felt amazing, the best I had in years. Admittedly kind of immune to pain and happy all the time, even when breaking up with my boyfriend of 2 years, 3 weeks after starting the meds, but finally I felt like I didn't hate everybody around me, feel stressed out and irritated all the time, and felt my new happiness made me confident and able to respond to the suffering of others, being kind and helping people in a way I just hadn't before. I felt the best I had in years. I began to like myself, because of how I was on the meds.

And then maybe 5 weeks after starting the meds, I became dangerously violent, totally unexpectedly. I also became massively confident, extremely happy and found it more and more difficult to sleep, lost weight etc. full of projects and creativity....

I reported the violence to my psych and he said I can never again take SSRIs as I have Bipolar type 3 and went into hypomania. He switched me to mood stabilisers, depexil or something, and still the Trazedone.

Now, after maybe 3 weeks, I feel I am returning to depression. I want to cry. The things that used to bother me bother me again. I still have autism. I still can't be normal. I still feel utterly lost and alone, overwhelmed by shame. Everything is loud in the city. I cannot hide or take respite from this sensorily agressive world anywhere. I feel I don't belong anywhere and I am overwhelmed and exhausted by the fight. I feel alone, and increasingly vulnerable in a world I don't understand and don't know how to respond to.... I had a full-on, public meltdown in a building-administration meeting with my neighbours on Sunday, I'm overwhelmed by shame... I don't know how to be, don't know what to do about my career when I'm struggling just to be in a meeting with people... I went to a class in a library a few weeks ago and came out sobbing from memorising all the books and everything....

I feel I am really finding it really hard to accept myself with autism.... I am overwhelmed with shame...

I wish I was on the Zoloft again.....

Will I always feel like this without SSRI's? Is there anything I can do?

Thanks

I don't know about those meds but I found on-line the leaflet that should have come with the Depixol - if you read it carefully, do you find anything you should tell your doctor? Changing meds is a time when the doctor is supposed to very available to you.

https://www.medicines.org.uk/emc/medicine/5399

All the best. Please let us know how you go.

I know nothing about your cultural surroundings and what is expected of you, but I do know autism is not a matter of moral character and therefore shameful. Some people make things happen, some people let things happen and some of us can only wonder what is going on...and there is where I had to begin. It is as unreasonable of ourselves as of others to expect things from ourselves that we cannot do, and it is sane and rational to become as self-aware as possible while methodically doing the things we *can* do and thoughtfully-discerningly trying to build from there.

Have you ever heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder? I wonder about that because you say it gets better in summer. There is a certain type of light therapy that helps with SAD. Plenty of info on the net about SAD. Worth considering. I hope you find something that works soon. Depression sucks. I too cannot take medication because I have a genetic error that effects my liver enzymes so I can't metabolize them. They just make me really sick. I get a bit jealous of people who can take them.

Thank you so much for your replies, advice and most of all for your kindness everybody, it really means a lot to me in this lonely battle with Aspergers.

Regarding SAD, the psych picked this up in the first consultation with me, and suggested I try light therapy. I actually have a light therapy lamp. Unfortunately, I used it for 3 hours in the middle of summer last year and felt overwhelmed by rage and anxiety the next day. I live in a country which gets very hot and is renowned for its bright light and long days. We had nearly a week of grey skies, and I did wonder today if that was the reason for my depressive mood today. On the other hand though, I feel I can definately connect peaks of anger to long exposure to the sun, and the last few days have found definate stress relief from closing the curtains, even needing to switch off lights in the rooms and work by candle light. After getting diagnosed with Bipolar type 3 (brought on by the SSRIS), I researched Bipolar and found that the mania phase can be triggered by summer weather.

I have noticed in the past that my mood swings were strongly correlated to the time of day, too. For example, I could be fine throughout the day but then night would fall and I would plunge into anxiety and suicidal ideation. So I'm in a bit of a tricky spot really, not enough sunshine and I get depressed. Too much and I become extremely anxious and angry. I guess this is the idea behind the mood stabilisers... maybe they are not working??

If you bounce around like that, maybe ask your psych about lithium or something else to stabilize things. With bipolar already established as a diagnosis they should be open to considering it.