Clues as to whether a person is trustworthy?

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KimD
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18 Aug 2017, 9:20 am

HistoryGal wrote:
Of course a psychopath can fool people. However they aren't that common. Your average dirt bag isn't highly skilled enough to fool people very long.


True--if you hear a lot of bad things about someone from a lot of sources, take heed. There's a real ass at work who has seduced a lot of women on the staff, and every single one will TELL you that he's a real ass! Of course, I consider most of those women to be either superficial sluts or naive fools who thought "that won't happen to me, we have a real thing going." I'm glad that not a single one of them is a friend of mine; I'd be deeply embarrassed.

He's pretty freaking stupid, and now nearly everyone knows it. His dirt--and arrogance--is showing, for sure.

If someone is humble, that's a good sign. If someone uses good judgment when it's oh-so-obviously called for, that's a good clue, too. However, this "dude" (I wouldn't call him a man) thought he could--and should--sleep with every woman, even coworkers, who attracted him. Nasty!



HistoryGal
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18 Aug 2017, 9:34 am

I agree KimD!! !! !



BirdInFlight
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18 Aug 2017, 9:36 am

Lest the two of you are speculating that my particular situation was one like your office scumbag lothario seducing naive women, no, mine was a very, VERY different situation.

And the person -- who I had KNOWN ALL MY LIFE -- is one of those who had managed to get everyone who knew him to think highly of him.



HistoryGal
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18 Aug 2017, 9:47 am

Not at all BirdinFlight. Absolutely not and I'm sorry if I made you think that. Your guy was a skilled psychopath. I only hope you give yourself a break.



BirdInFlight
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18 Aug 2017, 10:00 am

I do believe he was (I know in hindsight) a skilled psychopath. But it's hard to trust anyone again once you have ever at one time thought you had never been so sure something would be okay.

My situation was complicated, involved real life things and serious breaches of trust which had life-changing consequences, rather than just sex or an office fling. Long story.



HistoryGal
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18 Aug 2017, 10:49 am

BirdinFlight, I can't blame you for being reluctant after such a traumatic ordeal. Be good to yourself. This can happen to anyone. These men are skilled manipulators.



KimD
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18 Aug 2017, 12:03 pm

BirdinFlight, no, I wasn't jumping to conclusions about your situation; my example is just one that came to mind quickly when you mentioned "dirt bag." Please don't take offense.



shortfatbalduglyman
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30 Aug 2017, 8:47 pm

if someone refers to himself/herself as "people", "we", or "most people", that makes it sound like he/she represents "people" and i am not a person.

but he/she is just one person. and i am just one person.

that makes it sound like he/she overpowers me b/c he/she outnumbers me.

"you make people uncomfortable with the way you dress!".

that made it sound like precious lil "people" have a right to never feel "uncomfortable". and i have no rights. not even the right to choose what i wear. :mrgreen:

the word "people" literally means two or more. but the way he said "people", it sounded like everyone in the world, except me. and it sounded like i am not a person.

when someone is too vague. saying someone is "a good person". good in what way, at what time, according to what standard.

noone is completely good or bad.



HistoryGal
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30 Aug 2017, 9:49 pm

Dude.....what are you trying to say?.....



peregrina
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31 Aug 2017, 7:12 am

KimD wrote:
Clues and general advice:

Try to learn their history--it sounds like a cliche, but past behavior can tell you a lot about future behavior. If someone has done some really immature, irresponsible, or unethical things in their recent past (and if they're an adult), don't expect them to suddenly snap out of it. Like ladyelaine said, if someone is close with a real gossip-monger--the truly hurtful, judgmental, socially manipulative kind--it's likely that they are too. Nasty habits and behavior can be contagious.

I think it takes time; get to know someone slowly. Don't expose your more personal information right away, don't make yourself vulnerable, until you feel more comfortable. Don't let infatuation mislead you. Conversely, know that a bad first impression may also be misleading, at least sometimes.

Not everyone is a real back-stabber, but everyone does have their moments, like little white lies they may tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings, or to be polite. (I know that can hurt anyway, but the intentions behind that sort of thing are often rooted in compassion...an important trait in a friend, obviously!) They may even say something that is/seems unkind about another friend behind their backs, but it may be because they want to express some frustration or confusion, or try to understand why someone does what they do--not because they are terrible people who can't be trusted to stand by you or them when it really matters.

You can find some truly good, reliable friends during your lifetime, but don't expect anyone to be perfectly loyal or dependable 24/7/365. No one's flawless, and even a good friend can change or let you down from time to time, either by accident or because other complications can get in the way, but (forgive me--Hallmark moment coming) that's part of what makes the best friends so great.

(Upon review, I realize that I've just reiterated a lot of things that others have already posted, but maybe that's a sign that there's some good stuff here. My apologies; I didn't intend to plagiarize.)


KimD, I agree with you and really like what you posted.

We cannot be too black and white and should never idealize anyone. I am cautious but not paranoid. I have made mistakes just like everybody else, sometimes ignored good advice and got into trouble, trusted wrong people, etc.

I have learnt that if I hear something negative about the one I want to be friends with, I must not believe it completely and jump to conclusions but if it's about "safety" issue, I will be extra careful. I try to get to know the person and decide for myself whether to trust the person or not.

A "warning" is different from empty gossip. It contains valuable information that will help one decide whether to trust that person or how to deal with them.



shortfatbalduglyman
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31 Aug 2017, 2:29 pm

HistoryGal wrote:
Dude.....what are you trying to say?.....

______________

What I was trying to say was that when someone refers to himself or herself as "we", "people" or "most people", that indicates (I think) that the speaker is untrustworthy. Because the speaker is just one person and I am just one person.

For example, when someone had the nerve to tell me that "you make people uncomfortable with the way you dress!", That showed that the speaker was untrustworthy because he was acting like he represented "people".

Instead, he should have said "you make me, and maybe some other homophobes, uncomfortable with the way you dress".

It really gets on my nerves when someone tries to invoke the authority of "most people". As if the speaker overpowers me because he or she outnumbered me

But there is only one of the speaker and one of me

Especially because I am different from "most people" in that AS and LGBT. Diagnosed officially, six out of ten personality disorders

In other words I am drastically different from "most people"

:heart:



HistoryGal
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31 Aug 2017, 8:55 pm

Shortandniceman, I understand what you are saying. I agree. Well put.