Feeling alienated from people

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dont know if you still get on, but ive been feeling the same way.i cant seem to think right when im around others. It feels like i have nothing to talk about with anyone and it sucks alot. Sometimes i just wonder if im actually even important...like does it even matter..do i even matter. Like i feel as if i have no social skills but at moments im very outgoing on rare occasions but most of the time i keep myself inside in my room because that is where i feel comfertable. Everytime i have to walk to the store i dread people and interaction...i feel im being watched every second and people are judging me because i might where a tank top or because i dont dress the sameway all the time...i keep headphones on so i dont have to talk to people. I feel alienated mostly and im trying to be social but when i have to walk out the door i dread it...talking with someone that i dont know is like what do i say...do i just agree all the time...i have no interest in talking about sports..more like what is my actual purpose...do i have any special gifts cause i feel like im a waist of life i get so depressed...angry...sad...then im happy for no reason at all...those days are rare and yet when they happen i feel ok and im centered. I used to write poetry...only when i was in love...now i dont feel like i can get close enough to someone because i am so closed off but yet if someone asks...ill answer. Im very open with people if its something i know or about simularities....even working i dont have anything in common with anyone....i used to be outgoing but ive always felt out of place...like im not really interested in people...that its hard for me to be myself because at times i lose myself...i have adhd and turret syndrome(not that bad) and i over think everything and even when im alone doing the slightest tasks seem out of reach...i feel alot like nothingness....i dont matter im nobody special...it is hard even to live...to want to wake up and say hey im gonna have a good day...yet i dont even walk out the door...when i talk to people..im not there with them..although i try to be..i cant seem to just be in the moment because i feel i have no real connection with anyone anymore. Even walking outside to get my garbadge cans feels alot because i will be seen by others.

You've come to the right place. Many people feel similar to you.

What are your favorite interests? I bet at least some of your interests would be regarded as "esoteric" by some people.

Well i like cooking, i like making people feel good and happy and i really love it when i can help someone. When im unable to help myself...in turn that helos me although im lost inside. when i can set my mind on what i need...alot of the times my thoughts are to scattered to even think about basic needs. Although simple, sometimes they seem so far out of reach because i dont want to be seen in public..i really have to motivate myself to be out..i used to beat box and i still do at times because music or making sounds and using different patterns is something ive always done since i was young. Ive always been respectful of others never trying to be pushy or impatient with people, unless i get that sudden desire that im wanting to be alone..i can talk to people but then my mind goes elsewhere and now i rather be alone from everyone where im safe..." if you dont know how to swim throw yourself into the deep end, you will learn quick...or drowned" is how i feel. Sometimes i rather drowned then learn something new. Pushing myself to do something out of my comfort zone seems outrageous at times...i have to delve into why its necessary and is it even. Like nobody wants to be alone, yet it feels so hard to be out where nobody gets me and inside im fighting so many battles (arnt we all) an im just wanting to feel happy yet im unhappy with myself because i allow myself to stay hidden. The only way to really grow is putting myself out of my comfort zone...yet i find myself running right back to it to feel comfertable..its insanity and yet i feel reassuring and then find myself alone and like ahhhhhhhhhh. So overwhelmed with life and i wasnt like that before...or maybe now im getting older im asking myself different questions i never used to and noticing alot of changes i may not of been paying attention to when i was younger because i didnt know how to ask or where to turn for help. It is hard to do when you think your normal yet knowing your actions are everything but that. To feel alienated yet at times misplaced. Not knowing why you feel this way. At other times so sure of yourself then see the slightest difference in others and want to be alone again...sometimes i get so many thoughts at once...usually when im around people...like when they look at me and are happy and stuff im good. But if i am minding my own an someone looks at me weird maybe even ifbim walking down the street and i see people laughing cause they look at me and although they are living completly seperate lives then mine i think im being looked at negatively. Or i hear their thoughts and i know what they are thinking and i shut down...i know thats a very self centered thing to say...yet when im around people at times i get so many different thoughts at once i need to be alone so i can just hear myself think...im such a mess

Are you in school now?

I'm sorry you feel this way. One way to get out of feeling this way is to research things on the computer. Maybe research about cooking, or about chefs, or something related.

Let me tell you something: women value men who are good cooks; they find lots of romance in a man who cooks.

^^ i second that women like men who can cook! (i can't cook to save my life -_-)

Well it may seem weird, but the last thing on my mind is woman. I love having a girlfriend when i do, but the last one really ruined things for me. Not 1 woman is the same though certain actions make people seem simalur. I would never allow myself to put a wall up for someone that others built for themselves. Rather having taken certain securities to keep from allowing just anyone in but not blocking everyone who approaches me off. Definitely taking in knowledge of them so it is easier to understand what they expect, like if they are super flirtatious and loose conducting themselves with everyone is definitley a problem. Im devoted to my partner when i have one and pleasing them making them happy is all i want, makes me happy. But the biggest problem i see is people over step boundaries with eachother. Controlling what they do and or being to passive in a relationship will also do more damage. I feel having strength in who you are as an individual while keeping respect of yourself and others limitations and veiws is very important. We came into this world alone, some had parents some dont. It is very important for me to understand someone and their ways so im not pushing my ways on anyone, rather comparing similarities that may help to obtain a closer relationship if that person fits me. Nothing has to be exact and nothing will be. If we push ourselves to always agree or just bend over and do whatever without having our own lifes like we were born then it becomes more of a job instead of a desire to be better together and grow together. People are afraid of change and losing one another, forgeting what made them happy or what really brings them together. Which should just be the love for one another that moves us into actions, just not oversteping our roles in a relationship. Which is to be there for eachother nomatter what and loving one another. Everything else comes and will grow..people try to force happiness by alwaya going out of their way to do things and then that becomes them...when in fact they arnt that way originally then the other partner may expect that all the time and when you stop doing certain things it may seem unloving but if you never pushed yourself to do what you normally wouldnt then expectations wont occure. Its good to push yourself to be better but not to be a showoff or trying to make someone like you...just be yourself..thats what i think. Just be myself never to expect anything but genuine love in return and allow them to make changes that better themselves and not what someone try to force. If you love someone you dont hang out with other single men in my book and you dont hang out with single woman. If you are in a relationship. BUT! If that happens you must trust eaxhother to make the right decisions so in doing so gains natural trust and not forced apon. Other wise its like your being controlled and nobody has that right. Or it takes the value out of love. For me i am happy single right now, ive been that way for almost 3yrs no woman,no flings im a 1 woman guy so i cant sleep around. I need to know everything about someone and you cant do that at bars or clubs. Im not that guy. So i rather wait and be alone untill i find 1 to marry. I thought that was my ex but she was so controlling i began to hate her...although i loved her dearly..she ruined alot in my life because i allowed it. Holding onto a poisonous snake although it may look pretty eventually your going to get bitten and if you dont let it go and do something about it you will die horribly. Better to find someone worth investing your everything into and being genuinely happy with everything you have with no regrets....this is all i want in life to be happy. Jehovah is #1 for me and then i hope im doing right by his ways. So that he will help me find someone to care for and them me. Nobody is exact there will always be differences dealing with those differences together compromising sometimes so you dont waist time on something rather upbuild eachother so you know eachothers strengths and weaknesses. If you always look for an exact match sometimes you dont see the perfect catch.
No im not in school.

My aspergers is mild, and as such I was very friendly most of my life.
This caused me problems, now that I've discovered how horrible people are I actively avoid interractions.

I can interract, but tend to restrict it - which ironically leads people to like me more.
When avoiding interractions, I treat it as a game, see how good I can be at ignoring or giving avoidant answers (or sometimes just nods/shake head or even grunts).

I use headphones, shades. Hoodies are good too.