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HistoryGal
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16 Aug 2017, 7:55 am

Theoretically you should be able to count on your friends to be there for you since you have been there for them in crucial times.

I'm suggested you don't anticipate the same response. They often see us as expendable. Something to be used and discarded much like a can of soda. You drink it and throw out the can.

Big tip off to these nasty users is that they only ring you up WHEN they want something. They don't have time for YOU in your time of need.



hurtloam
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16 Aug 2017, 8:16 am

It's unfortunate that people can be like that. There's some selfish folks out there.

Not everyone is like that. Don't let a bad experience embitter you to future friendships with new people.

What happened?



HistoryGal
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16 Aug 2017, 8:22 am

I helped this person out in a huge way in exchange for references at a future date. She sought me out. When it came time for me to call in my markers, she fell through.

I have one really good friend I can count on. Unfortunately, he's across the country.



hurtloam
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16 Aug 2017, 8:33 am

Ah sorry that happened.

I also find that my most reliable friends live a bit of distance away, but being in the UK across the country isn't so far for me.

It definitely is a good idea ( and I'm saying this for the lurkers) to broaden out the net and make friends outside your locale and of different age groups.



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16 Aug 2017, 8:40 am

I have totally put myself out for people in the past, People who I thought were close friends, I really believed that, but they were nothing of the kind, I just knew them for a long time, since school. They never came to see me and would never have done for me what I did for them.

I can't talk either in truth. I never see anyone unless I need too, expect I have no one to see. The person who came to mind has died.


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HistoryGal
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16 Aug 2017, 9:16 am

I definitely have kept a broad net. UK seems like a very friendly place. Ironically two of the women who burned me to a crisp are daughters of British women. They liked telling me how their mannerisms were British. I rightfully informed them that they picked up our lax manners here in the States. Most people I've met from the UK are impeccably polite. Anyway I'm tired of people using their ethnicity as an excuse to be rude.



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16 Aug 2017, 9:47 am

I agree. Rudeness is always uncalled for. In all circumstances.

I don't like to "count on" people. It hasn't gained me anything in the past. It doesn't mean that people are bad, though. It could mean they're selfish---or it could mean they really are unable to "do something for you" which they were "counted on" to do.

Self-reliance, by far, is the best thing in the world.



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16 Aug 2017, 9:53 am

I am English. I only really get through by being very, very polite. Its the one thing which has got me by, that and saying as little as possible. Its hard for anyone to suss you out that way. My experience of humans is that if they can find a weakness they will exploit it, certainly as a child and in professional circles. I am too open, I tell everyone everything about myself. I have gotten better at not doing that as I got older. It took me years to learn it would be used against me. The urge to tell is still very strong.


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HistoryGal
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16 Aug 2017, 3:24 pm

Krafty- some people like to play games. I'm merely suggesting not to take people at their word unless it's someone who has proven to be trustworthy. I've helped countless people in desperate situations. Naturally I shouldn't feel bad about getting help in my dire hour.

Are people bad? No. They just talk a lot of crap and expect you to be ok with it. Not all people of course.



EyeDash
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16 Aug 2017, 4:42 pm

HistoryGal wrote:
Theoretically you should be able to count on your friends to be there for you since you have been there for them in crucial times.

I'm suggested you don't anticipate the same response. They often see us as expendable. Something to be used and discarded much like a can of soda. You drink it and throw out the can.

Big tip off to these nasty users is that they only ring you up WHEN they want something. They don't have time for YOU in your time of need.


I certainly relate to this. I think this is a product of a couple of things. Firstly, autistic folks tend to be quite loyal - more so than the average person. I've mistakenly believed with a number of friends before that they felt the same loyalty as I did, after I stuck with them through their challenges with unemployment, divorces, etc. only to have them blow me off when I was seriously ill or in other need. I think that as autistics, we may have some difficulty putting ourselves in others' shoes in a cognitive way, but we're often more sensitive to others' emotions than the average person. Additionally, neurotypical people are often motivated to act loyally, be patient, tell convenient social 'white' lies, or be generous out of a desire to avoid unpleasant confrontation and/or social shaming or 'loss of face'. When 'the markers are called in', they weigh how much it matters to them and realize that being autistic we're unlikely to successfully confront them emotionally and we're not socially relevant or connected enough to cause much shame. I'm not sure how conscious NTs are of what they're doing - it might be more instinctual. And there's a social 'pecking order' that exists between people that is often invisible to autistics, but of which we're usually on the lower end, and which dictates that the higher-up person may be charitable and return a favor, but that it's not an expected thing. I'm often motivated by quid-pro-quo thinking and I get offended or hurt when people I thought were friends don't return kindness. I don't think it's even consciously malicious on their part - it's more like it's not relevant enough.



HistoryGal
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16 Aug 2017, 4:56 pm

Eyedash, your post is right on. My sense of loyalty surpasses that of the NT person. I'm not a threat as you said as I'm not likely to call people on their lies. I'm at the bottom of the ladder even at church where we should all be equal.

My solution is just to fade the person out of my life. I've done it before for over a year and she weasled her way back in last October.



HistoryGal
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16 Aug 2017, 5:03 pm

Basically we are throw away people with no social relevance. I accept that however I'm not ever going to be that loyal again to anyone. No need to be a playtoy for the grown up Mean Girls. I'm sure they know exactly what they are doing. I've told a few of these chicks what I thought of them using me to when they were in conflict with their popular friends. They were shocked that someone would call them on their crap. I had nothing to lose.



GraysonTerry19
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17 Aug 2017, 7:14 pm

That's the sad truth when trying to find honest & generous people for true friends.



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17 Aug 2017, 8:08 pm

Voxish wrote:
I am English. I only really get through by being very, very polite. Its the one thing which has got me by, that and saying as little as possible. Its hard for anyone to suss you out that way. My experience of humans is that if they can find a weakness they will exploit it, certainly as a child and in professional circles. I am too open, I tell everyone everything about myself. I have gotten better at not doing that as I got older. It took me years to learn it would be used against me. The urge to tell is still very strong.


I'm not English, however, this has been my experience.



soloha
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17 Aug 2017, 10:44 pm

Yup, the only person you can ever count on is yourself. Don't count on others and you wont be let down.

If only I could take my own advice. I'm loyal and generous to a fault, hoping it will be repaid in kind, and I get taken advantage of all the time. I wish I understood people. Stupid me, but I keep trying.