Allowing myself to raise the question: Am I on the spectrum?

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Yes, lists, long private journal entries where I looked back through my memories, a appraisal from my day job early on which had gems like "Social skills lacking..."

I was able to submit a very full set of paperwork when I went for assessment ; the assessor told me it had made their job much easier, and in fact the assessment was done in half the allotted time.

Well, I'm printing off my results and the scientific papers that go along with them, and highlighting in the paper where I fall. I'm super anxious about bringing it up, and my next therapist appointment isn't till Saturday. Hopefully I can calm down by then.

My mind is also running tons of scenarios about what comes next, like having to make an appointment to get tested, having to figure out how to ask for a day off of work to do that without saying why I need the day off since a day-long doctor's appointment isn't normal, if I end up with a diagnosis, do I tell friends, family, and housemates...

I appreciate all of the advice and posts I've gotten, by the way, thank you

A couple more anecdotes:

When I was doing my undergrad, there was a high functioning autistic person in my program who exhibited several behaviors that drove me crazy, like playing guitar in study rooms and interrupting me with questions when I'm working on homework with my headphones on (eventually I got my own office space where I could work without distractions). After we graduated, I'd heard from another one of my classmates that he had an interview at their work, and after the interview he called there every single day. I listened in horror since I had done the same thing with my first internship. After all, all of the career advice I'd heard said to follow up to make yourself seem interested. Turns out, in my case, since it was a government job, the hiring panel made their decision the day of the interview and it just takes a month or so for it to get approved by HR. If it had been private sector that would have cost me a job.

And speaking of jobs, I'm remembering another job I had as a baker at a chain doughnut shop founded by a famous hockey player. For the most part, I loved the job - I came in at 3 am, had the same days off every week, did the same thing every morning, and was able to work alone most of the time, with the exception of having chats with two customers I really liked who were pretty smart. There was a two week period, however, when there was some construction crew who would come in at a different time every day, not call ahead, and ask for way more donuts than we had, which threw me through a loop every time. I'd be able to make the donuts, but I had a meltdown when doing it. Eventually they stopped coming, and the manager was telling me how they were complaining about me and how I'd be swearing about how much I hate these customers when I'm working, but that she didn't care. During my time there, I had three general managers, and each of them was very protective of me and always had my back if I had an argument with a shift supervisor or a customer.

So this brings me to some more questions that I'm wondering:

*Is it possible for traits associated with autism to be off-putting in one person and more socially acceptable in another?

*If I've been given a pass for bad behavior I now associate with autism (but didn't at the time since I didn't know anything about autism for the most part until a month ago) in the workplace over and over again, is that an indication that I'm not autistic?

There is so much stigma on the internet associated with self-diagnosis (whether it be autism, PTSD, or any other disability which may require accommodations) which plays a role in my reluctance to continue pursuing this, or even bringing it up with my therapist when I see her in a few days. I've been searching some key words on this site, and I've noticed several posts where people say that most people on here aren't autistic but rather delusional, which makes me somewhat reluctant to get advice here since I might be being encouraged to be delusional by delusional people. On the other hand, I can't ask for advice on any other forum, either, since people on the internet are so mean whenever the issue of autism comes up.

I don't want to be "special." I already have enough characteristics about me that are special. I just want to have a better understanding of myself to deal with the stress of daily life. Part of me also feels like a dx would let me know that I'm not a bad person, just different, so there's that too I guess. I never talk about my childhood and adolescence, even to my therapist, so going through that list of symptoms from childhood and adolescence will be... interesting. I guess even if I'm not autistic, finally talking about some things could be helpful too.

Therapist didn't show up lololol I give up

I've decided I'm going to do my best to forget I ever went down this rabbit hole. I've burned the things I've printed and I'll no longer be visiting their site. Thanks for listening to me, and responding to me. Even if it doesn't seem like it meant anything to me, it did.