Is it ok to be a housewife?

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I should start off by saying that I hope I am not committing a major forum faux pas by suddenly coming out of a long (and irregular) hibernation to start a new thread here asking for advice (and I apologize if I am), but there is a question I have been struggling with for a long time now and since I am already a member of this community and the responses here are pretty thoughtful and insightful, I thought I would. I hope this doesn't get too long, boring and/or self-centered. I tend to be a bit long-winded, as you will probably see

I always figured I would get a university degree and have a career; it just seemed like the normal thing to do (and the only thing to do when I was single) and I knew I could do well in university-and indeed I did do quite well for the two years I was there. But I am married now and have taken some time off since I am immigrating to a new country and am not yet a permanent resident and can't afford non-resident tuition (I am not allowed to work yet either) and both these things have changed my perspective. I'd still love to go to university, but I'm not so sure I want a career now (well, sometimes I'm not so sure I could even handle one because my social deficits are somewhat severe and I have trouble following verbal directions, but that's a whole 'nother topic...) More specifically, I don't really want the rushed and stressed lifestyle that can result when both people work and I don't want to fall into the trap of buying more things to save time or make up for lost time and then having to earn more money and having even less time as a result. Of course, if it were necessary, I would do it, but we don't think it is. Both my husband and I want something more simple and laid-back. We're ready and willing to forego having luxuries and a lot of things in favor of making less money. I guess I'm pretty old-fashioned that way. I'm really just a Sunday afternoon girl in a Monday morning world

I really like being able to take the time to make good, healthy meals for us mostly from scratch. I like being able to get all or most of the cleaning done during the day so we can spend more time together on evenings and weekends and so he doesn't have to worry about it. And I think I'd like to further develop my domestic skills so I can decorate and create things and fix things and find creative ways to save money, as well as sharpen my financial skills to save my husband some time and worry (and someday I hope, have a garden and do some canning). I like the thought of making things less stressful for him. And I like that I could go back to the States and see my family at least 3 or 4 times a year (basically whenever there is a major holiday or I get homesick) for a couple weeks at a time, which I couldn't do if I had a career. I suppose that probably sounds selfish or immature, but I am very attached to them and to the place where I grew up and going there helps me deal with the huge change of moving so far away. I tend to get pretty depressed if I go more than five or six months without visiting.

At the same time though, and while I no longer believe all the hype about careers being fulfilling for everyone, I feel like maybe I am being lazy and not contributing to the household or to society, or that I am not realizing my potential and using my skills. My husband has never said anything that has made me feel this way and is very supportive, and my religious beliefs support it as well, but I can't help but think that most people would disapprove. And I worry that I'm being selfish-if I made more money it would mean having more to give back to my parents and to people who need it. I worry that my lack of education (well, in the form of a degree; I am always learning on my own!) will affect the way people see me. And I worry that I being very irresponsible by not getting one since I wouldn't have any other marketable skills. The biggest kicker is that we don't have any children yet (and I'm still not sure if we will because, as much as I want to, it is scary ). Just about everyone agrees that it is perfectly ok to be a stay at home mom, but is it ok to be a stay at home wife? Should someone like me who has a great deal of difficulty working jobs that don't require a degree not even think of staying home unless a degree is obtained first? Am I just being a slacker? I would really appreciate any insight, and sorry for the long post.

Short answer: No, it isn't wrong.




Long answer: Eh....Most people aren't the ones being a housewife. It's all down to whether it feels right to you or not. It's your skills, your life. If you don't want to use them, that's up to you. At the end of the day, it's your life/skills that is/are being 'wasted', not most people's.

I didn't have children and I didn't work the first few years we were married. I wouldn't have said I was a housewife since I don't cook and he's the clean fanatic. Mostly he just said, "Don't try to help me, baby." I didn't work because that was our deal. When I went to university I didn't intend to get a job. I was a Creative Writing major and I intended to live in one of the houses owned by my best friend's father. He had artists and writers living in them and he basically supported them while they pursued their art. That was my goal and I was well on my way when my husband happened. Since he knew that was my goal and I had no interest in working, he told me he would take me to Italy and support me while I wrote in order to get me to marry him. So, that's what we did.

You are in the situation so you should know how others react. People did say somethings to me but since I was so in my own head, I didn't hear much. He did. The things they said to him were pretty terrible and they were probably worse because he was honest and told them I never wanted children and I wasn't a housewife. He didn't really care what they thought, but I couldn't stand the things they said to him and after awhile it was bad enough that I went to work just to spare him that.

I can tell you where I work, even the guys who have stay at home mom wifes are harassed pretty badly. Everyone says there is something wrong with these guys to want women like that. The only guy I've known who had a stay at home wife after his kids were grown had it pretty bad because she stayed home due to psychiatric problems. He was an engineer and his career suffered for it. I saw him layed off twice and each time he had better job performance and more experience than those who were kept. But, he had to take a few times for a couple of days because of her problems. She died suddenly last year and don't you know, they laid him off AGAIN two months later.

People are pretty brutal, so if you are worried about them, be prepared. On the other hand, it's your life and only you and your husband matter in the end, so if you can ignore it, do it and live your life the way you please.

short answer: nice work (if you can get it) and you have got it!

if it works out financially for you to continue on, then by all means, do it. How lovely you have come to live with us in The States! I loved living in Minnesota/Wisconsin area and know they will make you feel welcome and at home.

welcome back on WP, too!


Merle

I want to post more later, but just for now I'll say that I don't think there is anything "wrong" with it at all. It would be easy to fall into the trap of holding the same values pop culture is pressuring you to hold, but the fact is that a wife who does not hold a paying job can do many good and useful things.

Speaking as a husband,I think as long as you are honestly both comfortable with this arrangement,and you honestly aren't denying yourself experience and growth,then appreciate your situation and live the best life you can.You can adjust your choices later on,if you want.

You'll need to accept to the reality of society's attitudes(about women,work,AS,"responsibility"),but don't let other peoples' opinions affect your sense of self too much.What do "they" know about what you need?

I know many people who would prefer to have the choices you do.

YOu call this lazy?!

Let me tell you something. Modern society isn't all it's cracked up to be. People get their social norms and mores from the tv and magazines. You can't tell the difference between the news and entertainment and advertisements-it's called infotainment.
People harass because they feel insecure about their own choices.
My husband's employer discriminates the same way and it backfires on them. They promote married people because of the stability and then these guys divorce and it creates Hell on Earth. They have to work long hours which makes a second income (the wife's) impractical. But people are so brainwashed, that women will go to work, even 4 weeks after giving birth!

I remember when I quit my job, my husband newly promoted and I was newly pregnant. People (wealthier people than me) got really snarky about it. "That's nice that you can do it!" (with a sneer on their face) But hey, I'm not driving a Lexus, putting my kids in daycare or getting facials and pedicures every week. I don't think people see much difference between housewives and stay at home moms, they discriminate against both.

People also get bent out of shape because we share a car. In California, my husband worked in a hippy grocery store where you'd think they'd be more eco-savvy. But no, they derided him for riding a bike to work and assumed he'd lost his license to DUI's. In Indiana, he had to listen to coworkers' egging him about buying a new (2nd) car.

The social pressure is intense, but that doesn't make it right. $$ isn't always the best contribution a person can make to their household or community. I feel rather impassioned about it. I think 2-income households is part of the destruction of the society. We all become subjects to this over-commercialized fiefdom.

What you are doing sounds wonderful to me. You don't need to be defensive about choosing a good lifestyle. If you are criticized, it is because of the other people's insecurities or jealousies. If you slowly want to learn a workskill to get you by if your husband should die without leaving you enough money, that's fine too. Enjoy your freedom to make happy choices.

I think housewives are a wonderful thing, I am one . The only thing I would do differently, if I could, is volunteer as much as my social phobias would allow me to, either in schools or nursing homes, but I have too many kids, and they are too young, for me to do anything like that (unless I ever get a nanny). Sometimes I think about being a teacher, but I would want to be a specialist of some sort so I would be working one on one or in small groups, with kids. Unfortunately I could never handle the noise and stress of a whole classroom, even though I would love to teach elementary school.

How messy our society has become ! ! The whole 'women must have a career' thing has been beaten into people's brains to the extent that they no longer question where it's coming from. I heard a financial anaylst explain that unless the wife makes 30k US dollars (or more), it's to their advantage for her to be (gasp) a housewife. He laid out all the expenses (too much detail to go into) but bottom line, to hell with people's opinions ! !! If you're comfy, and your hubs is OK with it, it's FINE. It costs money to go to work, transportation, clothing, meals at restaurants, and so on.
Bloody hell, everybody runs around judging everybody ! !! On a personal note, I drive an auto that's 25 years old. I could give a rip wot the neighbors think. I like driving it, and that's all that counts. My son-in-law has a Lexus, and it's as bloody expensive to fix as a Ferrari ! !! Thank you, NO ! !
Please stay with wot yer doing, and know it's OK.

I get the same attitude all the time. I don't work outside the home and haven't since my second husband moved in with me and my boys. We have 2 vehicles, they are both 1991's and they were given to us by relatives that needed brand new ones. I hear constantly how awful we are for taking used vehicles and furniture, but I figure if it works, and is good condition and I get to stay home and take the kind of care of my family that I think they deserve, what do we care what they think. My children get many of the other things the other kids have but they appreciate them more because they see the sacrifices that have to occur to have things you want.

There are many people out there who are threatened or maybe even jealous of women that can make staying at home work. Four years ago the man that was doing our income tax made a comment when he was telling us how much our return would be. He said and I quote, " You will be getting $ XXX.00" , (looked at me) "no thanks to you." I thought my husband was going to jump the desk and tear the man apart. And really, he claims me on his taxes so it does help that I don't make alot.
When the school counsellor first met my AS 13 year old, she had asked him what he eats for breakfast because we didn't know about the AS and he was having attention problems. He said, " I have pancakes with an apple or banana and a glass of milk." She asked if they are store bought toaster pancakes and he said, "No. My mom makes them every morning with flour and eggs and milk and stuff." She said, " Does your mom work? She must be a stay-at-home mom if she has that much time in the morning." He told her I have a dayhome and I get up at 6:30 every morning so that breakfast is ready. I wanted to strangle her. I phoned her and told her that if you make a large batch of pancakes you can freeze the left-overs and the kids can toast them on busy mornings. She didn't sound thankful.

Whatever feels right in your heart and mind is what is right for you. And you may change down the road. I started a part-time (15 hours a week) in a knitting store just so that I can get out of the house and I love knitting. I wouldn't do it for more hours than that, though. The nice thing about life is that nothing is carved in stone. And there is no one thing that works for everyone.

The bad thing is that no matter what you do or where you go there will be people that will judge. Ignore them. Life is too short and you are too important.

There is a book, "The Two Income Trap" which details how most of a lesser second salary (usually the woman's) is usually lost to taxation and expenses associated with working. However, many women are willing to sacrifice and work for what in the end is very little post taxation etc., to keep a foot in the job market in case their marriage falls apart.

Isn't it amazing how people think they have so much to say about other people's lives? I thought at first that it was because it was the early 80's and I so blatantly didn't want kids and had no interest in the house, but I've since seen that it's just general nosiness and jealousy.

And Midge, just so you know, the nosy people still have to comment all the time about my husband and I. If I wear any jewelry they haven't seen before, it's "Boy, I wish my husband made so much money that he could buy me jewelry all the time like yours." (Even worse comments from the men that I won't get into on here.) Or, does he do everything? Don't you do anything? Or, you never had kids? Didn't you ever want kids? Well, what does your husband think of that? You'll regret it when you're old and have no one to take care of you. Kids are the greatest thing and you two are really missing out. Or, that's unnatural. Right down to, you aren't a real woman. I could list everything I say back, but it gets pretty blunt and graphic and it instantaneously shuts them up.

I bet that you and I could be in the same room with these people and they would pick on you about different things. They would also pick on our husbands about different things. Some people just have that need and it's because they can't stand that anyone made any decisions differently than they did. It's pathetic really. I never think about their lives at all and I often wonder why they expend so much energy worrying about mine. I've been married longer than any of those nosy people so maybe they ought to spend more time examining their own lives instead of looking at mine.

It is not 'wrong' to be a housewife, regardless of what most people think, but it may be unwise in the long term. if ever your husband, for example, were to become unemployed or any other misfortune that affected his income were to happen, then it would be a problem for both of you, whereas a double-income household would be less vulnerable. If it were to become necessary, re-entering the workforce after a long time neither in a paid job nor in education is probably difficult. Have you considered part-time jobs or part-time education, assuming they're available?

This is something I did bring up to a woman I knew when she stayed home after she had children. I told her they needed to plan in case anything happened to him because she didn't even make half of what he did when she had the children, she had no higher education and she was about to lose all her work experience. It's fine to live off his income, but it can be devastating if anything happens and things do happen sometimes. Better to talk about it and be prepared than try to figure it all out after, God forbid, something should happen. You wouldn't want to be in a position where you couldn't keep your home, buy a new car when the time came or anything else. That is the last point in time when you are going to want to deal with that.

That's a practical consideration that I think has to be dealt with between you.

I'm a "housewife" and I'm very happy with it. It is actually easier to go to work, put the kids in daycare, etc, than it is to stay at home dealing with 3 children (2 are aspies, 1 "just" has sensory issues. I realize you don't have kids, so staying at home will actually be easier for you than working, most likely. I don't see anything wrong with someone, man or woman, staying home to be a homemaker. Taking care of a house is a lot of work, and so is cooking healthy meals instead of prepared crap. If you're planning on having kids, you'll be better prepared than I was, I think.