Autism and gender roles

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Hi

This is my first visit for several years. My previous username was Another_Alien, but I had to re-register as I've forgotten all my previous details, inc. email.

Back then I created a post speculating whether things would be easier for me if the traditional gender roles in dating/work and general culture were reversed. I'm straight, but have never felt entirely comfortable in the traditional masculine role, though I'm not overtly feminine, and have always been attracted to somewhat tomboyish women.

This post was intended to be partially light-hearted, but in 2015 I met a woman who I believe might be on the spectrum, though undiagnosed, and we were in a relationship for about a year. She has many of the classic Autistic attributes - very young looking for her age, doesn't bother too much with fashion and makeup, can be emotionally cold, prefers adventure activities to girlie interests, etc.

Initially we adopted traditional gender juxtapositions. I made all the moves to begin with. As our relationship evolved, however, this began to subtly change. Increasingly she began to adopt a more traditionally masculine role - making most of the decisions, paying for most things, being more stoic, etc. On the flip side I was more concerned about my appearance, wanted to hug more and was less confident in certain situations, e.g. she rock climbs whilst I'm scared of heights.

I believe that the traditional gender roles we adopted initially was an act to meet cultural expectations. As time went by we adopted a role that was more reflective of our respective autistic personalities. She was more comfortable being the 'boyfriend', and I felt happier as the 'girlfriend'.

Increasingly, I also believe that there is a strong correlation between gender non conformity and autism. There appears to be a far greater prevalence in the autistic community for straight people to feel uncomfortable with traditional gender roles. For many of us what's primarily wrong with the wrong planet is the traditional gender role we're expected to perform. It may be a more enlightened time if you're gay or transgender. But it's much harder not to conform if you're straight.

I have no problem with traditional gender roles.

I don't like gender roles even in a straight relationship, because I like everything to be equal. I like them to be equally loving and put in as much effort into the relationship and the things surrounding it as myself. It should be 50/50 of most things if not all in a relationship for me. I need someone who will make plans and pay the bills and do the grocery shopping and errands and everything else, just as equally as I would.

Welcome back! And thank you for letting us know about your former account, I'll close it off for you.

I gave up my previous dayjob to stay home and bring up our children. I live in a small country town...I am the odd one out though being how I am this is nothing new!

Hooj, ☺☺☺☺ don't worry about what anyone thinks.

I am most definitely past that!

Hah, I wouldn't bet on that enlightenment in regard to gay and trans issues.
But it's interesting that you note that if straight, you're expected to be masculine. Do people often interpret you as gay for being femme? I think society in general, especially in urban areas, is more accepting of guys who are a bit "metrosexual." You're not expected to be a lumberjack anymore.
Funny thing too about gender roles even if you are trans and queer - people often expect me to conform to the gender my physical transition generally goes towards. When I do something that is conforming to my birth gender, people are all kinds of confused.
Nothing wrong with being a genderf*ck in my opinion.

I don't care for gender roles. I'm non binary and I identify as male. I like taking on the identity of a Pearly King and Sgt Schultz interchangeably. That way, I can identify with both the British and the Germans in my family tree. Why not the French and Americans along with my mum's ancestors? Because my mum has always been a poor example of a role model.

AFAIK I don't subscribe to gender roles much. Obviously to be practical in the real world I have to be aware of gender differences and the fact that mainstream society may still have these differentials, but I don't like it. I usually find it refreshing when individuals ignore such social expectations. Same with any social conformity thing - if I don't see the point, it seems idiotic to pander to it. I might seem to go along with it, because I don't want to invite contempt, but it's just a social mask.

I'm curious how one can identify as both nonbinary and as a binary gender at the same time. How does that work?

I think you have a variety of "everyone is somewhat like me" combined with an association between the two biggest factors that make sense of your life. Earth is overpopulated now, so there is general encouragement for anything that slows population growth. If you are taking a poll, I come out as straighter than 85% of people.

My interests lean towards the stereotypically male, however I do have some stereotypically female interests. My sense of gender is also fluid, alternating mostly between neuter and masculine. I very rarely feel femme.

Yes, I do believe this lifelong gender confusion is a manifestation of my autism.

I'm more masculine and have dated men and woman. My longest relationship was with a male and we did not engage in sexual activities until the last year. We were comfortable just hugging and cuddling. Once we engaged in sexually activities our relationship eroded and we grew apart. We are still friends and he has since married twice. I have noticed that he has taken on a more male role in his present marriage and he does not seem happy. He says he now works third shift and now has his alone time with his dogs while his wife is working. I think he has Aspergers too.

I hate gender roles and am extremely against them

That is very interesting. Are you able to ignore the (apparent) gender of people? Would you write news captions like "Human rescued from fire" or "Person involved in hit and run?"