Interested in dating a guy but he is confusing me

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lorelai
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04 Sep 2017, 5:57 am

He has autism(high function), I do not. He is 30 and we met 5 years ago through his brother. I stayed a while with them in their city. From the very first time he saw me he wouldnt take his eyes off me, he would blush and never talk to me. When we went to their place the day I got there, his brother joked about him and me making out and sat next to me and was about to kiss me. I had just broken up from a 4+ year old relationship the day before, so I wasnt interested in anything like that.

During my stay he would always be around me, he told him brother that he wanted to go out with me and we did. It was kind of weird because he wasnt talking at all, I kept trying to make conversation but nothing. It was nice though, he is a good guy and to be honest my mood wasnt that great so maybe it was better we didnt talk much. When we got home he slept in the same bed with me. He was so stressed about it, he slept on the other edge of the bed so he wouldnt even touch me by accident. Again, back then i thought nothing of it, i was just out of my relationship and I wasnt thinking clearly or interested in men.

Then I had to leave and go back home (5 hours away). After I left he added me on fb.. He started messaging me constantly, even though in person we never talked. We found out we both were personal trainers and liked sports and working out, he would ask for my help all the time on really weird things(like he would send me pics of him and ask me to fix the brightness lol), i think it was just an excuse to talk to me. I was still very hurt from my breakup so reading the messages we sent back then now, i realise i was so distant, totally indifferent. I could see he was interested though. When i wouldnt reply he would message again and again. Eventually i met someone else in my city, had a relationship and moved in. We were still talking 3 years later. He had asked to see me more times but i wasnt ever single.. And he made it clear he didnt want to see me as just a friend. When i broke up 1 year later again, i was just not in a good mood. I eventually stopped talking to him in 2015 and deleted him.

Suddenly on August 1st this year I got a call from him. I missed it and then he messaged me. He said he wanted me to go on vacations with him and not to worry about expenses etc. I told him I was sick atm, he asked what was wrong. I told him I have cancer but im getting better and I will be able to see him in a couple of months. He then stopped replying, which is unusual for him. Thats when i went back to our old messages and saw how cold, distant and almost rude I was. I was just now realising i missed a chance with a good guy. I said I was sorry for how I treated him in the past and told him I liked him.. He replied a few hours later and gave me his phone number, told me to call him. I told him id call him later in the day when i get home.

So I get home, i message him and ask him if I can call him now. He saw it and never replied. A couple of weeks later i message him again and ask him if he wants to talk, no reply. Thats when i started feeling like i was bothering him or something(i never make first moves or chase or whatever, but i understand how he is with girls and i tried to make it easier for him). I decided to stop bothering him but I just kept thinking ''hey this guy has had a crush on me for the past 5 years, he clearly hasnt even forgotten me, he messaged me 2 weeks ago even though i had cut contact. How is it possible he isnt interested all of a sudden?'' So, thinking like that, I sent him 1 final text and told him that ill be home at 21.00 and he can call or message me then. I also mentioned that i started working out again and that i may need his help(he used to love talking about that stuff). That was yesterday. He never called. And even though he is active online, he doesnt open my viber messages (he asked me to use viber instead of fb). It just says delivered and he never opens them(you can do this if you read them with wifi off, the other person doesnt know you read them).

So did he tell me he prefers to talk on viber so that he can blow off my messages more easily? What did I do wrong? I feel terrible and like I made a fool out of myself by chasing him as if im desperate. Im single at the moment and there are guys that are interested which i had put on hold because i wanted him. Does it sound like he just wanted some quick summer sex and since i wasnt available right away, he lost interest?(he really didnt strike me as that kind of guy tbh). Did he freak out because i told him i was sick or because i told him i liked him? Should I just delete him and move on?

Sorry about the wall of text and about my english, its not my native language. I hope I made sense x



hurtloam
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04 Sep 2017, 8:26 am

There's no explaining people. I find I never get second chances.

Time to move on my dear.



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04 Sep 2017, 9:09 pm

He was clearly interested in you...now, who knows. I think you blew your chance. From now on, if you know someone is interested in you, and you feel the same, show that to them.



beady
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04 Sep 2017, 9:30 pm

I'm sorry that you are working through having cancer. It probably scared him away. That's a pretty serious issue for someone who hardly knows you to deal with. Or he may have thought you were just putting him off again. What type of cancer is it? And what will happen in two months that you will able to see him then?



DW_a_mom
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05 Sep 2017, 2:45 am

Sorry to hear about your illness. I hope you beat it.

I will tell you a little bit about what I've observed in my AS son, just in case it helps you figure things out. First, girls have to be 100% blunt about they do or do not want with him. He does not read signals and he does not play games. Nor does he ghost people; he is too straight forward for that. But, he CAN spend days, weeks, months wondering what he is supposed to say or do and, in the process, take no action of any sort at all. I've seen him freeze up in confusing situations. And I've seen him sit back doing nothing rather than risk hurting someone or making a move that won't be received well. He also knows that "mean" girls have been known to play games with ASD guys, so he is really careful about who he goes out with, sticking to circles of people he trusts. And, well, when he gets busy he gets wrapped in what he is busy with and pushes aside everything else until he has more time, which of course might never happen, without bothering to tell those who care about him what is going on (he just doesn't think of it).

I've always worried about anyone he dates because he can be so confusing, clueless and, well, seemingly unresponsive. It takes a really secure woman to date him, I think. And one willing to be blunt and take on extra emotional risk in the relationship. But he is also incredibly devoted, genuine and creative, so of course I think he is worth it ;)

You aren't going to know what the story is with your guy until you have a chance to talk to him. I've known my son for 20 years and I still hesitate to try to read into his actions or make assumptions. Still, once you've put the ball into his court I don't think there is much else you can do, except maybe lob another one a few months down the road.

Everyone is different of course, but maybe something in this description can help.


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rdos
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05 Sep 2017, 4:21 am

Nice story about neurodiverse courtship. I don't think he has a crush anymore, but these things can continue even without that.

If I'd make a guess, talking over the phone scares him, so I would not suggest that as the "next move". You also shouldn't expect fast results, so if you really want to pursue this you will have to put other guys on hold more than for a short period of time.



DW_a_mom
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05 Sep 2017, 4:49 pm

I had totally forgotten about the talking over the phone thing, rdos, so that is a really good point. Some ASD individuals have a huge barrier there.


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sly279
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05 Sep 2017, 5:22 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
I had totally forgotten about the talking over the phone thing, rdos, so that is a really good point. Some ASD individuals have a huge barrier there.

I prefer texting or in person. Though I've never been in a relationship so I may very well become ok talking over the phone with a girl. I'd need to text with her for at least a week before being able to talk in person though.



The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Sep 2017, 8:03 am

Quote:
From the very first time he saw me he wouldnt take his eyes off me, he would blush and never talk to me. When we went to their place the day I got there, his brother joked about him and me making out and sat next to me and was about to kiss me. I had just broken up from a 4+ year old relationship the day before, so I wasnt interested in anything like that.

During my stay he would always be around me, he told him brother that he wanted to go out with me and we did. It was kind of weird because he wasnt talking at all, I kept trying to make conversation but nothing. It was nice though, he is a good guy and to be honest my mood wasnt that great so maybe it was better we didnt talk much. When we got home he slept in the same bed with me. He was so stressed about it, he slept on the other edge of the bed so he wouldnt even touch me by accident. Again, back then i thought nothing of it, i was just out of my relationship and I wasnt thinking clearly or interested in men.


:| You were "not interested in men" and "just out of relationship the day before".... yet you ended up in the same bed with a man you barely talked with.

:lol: WTF is that.



lorelai
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08 Sep 2017, 11:10 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Quote:
From the very first time he saw me he wouldnt take his eyes off me, he would blush and never talk to me. When we went to their place the day I got there, his brother joked about him and me making out and sat next to me and was about to kiss me. I had just broken up from a 4+ year old relationship the day before, so I wasnt interested in anything like that.

During my stay he would always be around me, he told him brother that he wanted to go out with me and we did. It was kind of weird because he wasnt talking at all, I kept trying to make conversation but nothing. It was nice though, he is a good guy and to be honest my mood wasnt that great so maybe it was better we didnt talk much. When we got home he slept in the same bed with me. He was so stressed about it, he slept on the other edge of the bed so he wouldnt even touch me by accident. Again, back then i thought nothing of it, i was just out of my relationship and I wasnt thinking clearly or interested in men.


:| You were "not interested in men" and "just out of relationship the day before".... yet you ended up in the same bed with a man you barely talked with.

:lol: WTF is that.


I had just gotten out of a 4 year old relationship. I was staying at his apartment and there was just 1 bed, he came and slept next to me. Just slept.



lorelai
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08 Sep 2017, 11:15 am

Thanks everyone else for your replies. He did message me and told me he was on vacations with his brother and his gf. He explained also that he meant its his brother's gf, not his. He told me he wants me to come after september 23rd when we can be alone at his house. I wont be able to make it though. I dont know when my health will be better to at least travel. I told him 2 months because thats the best estimate i have, although i think it will be a little more. And to that one person saying that i should have told him from the start i liked him and i blew my chance, maybe you should learn how to read. I just broke up 1 day before i met him. I.was.not.interested. I knew his brother since 2008. I saw him and his brother as a friends. After that i went back home, which is 5 hours away. Of course i met other people. He would just message me about 1 or 2 topics the entire time and just ask to see me even though he knew i was in a long term relationship. I did not know anything about autism back then , plus i was in love with someone else and living with him. I thought he just saw me as a friend.



The_Face_of_Boo
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08 Sep 2017, 11:28 am

lorelai wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Quote:
From the very first time he saw me he wouldnt take his eyes off me, he would blush and never talk to me. When we went to their place the day I got there, his brother joked about him and me making out and sat next to me and was about to kiss me. I had just broken up from a 4+ year old relationship the day before, so I wasnt interested in anything like that.

During my stay he would always be around me, he told him brother that he wanted to go out with me and we did. It was kind of weird because he wasnt talking at all, I kept trying to make conversation but nothing. It was nice though, he is a good guy and to be honest my mood wasnt that great so maybe it was better we didnt talk much. When we got home he slept in the same bed with me. He was so stressed about it, he slept on the other edge of the bed so he wouldnt even touch me by accident. Again, back then i thought nothing of it, i was just out of my relationship and I wasnt thinking clearly or interested in men.


:| You were "not interested in men" and "just out of relationship the day before".... yet you ended up in the same bed with a man you barely talked with.

:lol: WTF is that.


I had just gotten out of a 4 year old relationship. I was staying at his apartment and there was just 1 bed, he came and slept next to me. Just slept.



Well well.... look, you described his behavior as being stressed and being at the very other edge of bed, as if it's something unnatural and confusing- in your original post, you really did sound tad disappointed and puzzled that he acted that way.
How else was he supposed to behave?

In that kind of situation (only one bed), it's very natural for any man, aspie or NT, to feel shy to sleep too closely next to a woman who doesn't know that well.
This is really not an AS-related thing, it was simply an awkward situation between a man and a woman who didn't know each other well back then.



0_equals_true
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08 Sep 2017, 2:35 pm

beady wrote:
I'm sorry that you are working through having cancer. It probably scared him away. That's a pretty serious issue for someone who hardly knows you to deal with. Or he may have thought you were just putting him off again. What type of cancer is it? And what will happen in two months that you will able to see him then?


I remember when my friend had it, when he told someone he had been a some dates with she no longer called back. I think it was something to do with the fact he could reply to her straight away. I think she worked in a hospital too.



Michael829
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08 Sep 2017, 3:58 pm

{You wrote}
Should I just delete him and move on?
{unquote}

Yes.

Don't waste any more time on him.

For one thing, the way he's treating you now completely disqualifies him.

For another thing, even if he likes you sometimes, or seems to like you sometimes, the one certain thing that he's demonstrated is thoroughgoing inconsistency and unreliability. You know that you can't imagine a stable, secure relationship with someone like that. I say don't even consider it.

I'm not saying that because he's autistic. I'm Asperger's myself. and so I know that Asperger's people aren't all like him. (But I don't know much, if anything, about high-functioning autism).

A sincere, serious Asperger's man would seem a good choice for you, but if there are several guys interested in you right now, I suggest that you just choose the most serious, sincere and conscientious seeming one, to pursue a (of course initially uncommitted tentative) relationship with.

Michael829


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DW_a_mom
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08 Sep 2017, 6:48 pm

lorelai wrote:
Thanks everyone else for your replies. He did message me and told me he was on vacations with his brother and his gf. He explained also that he meant its his brother's gf, not his. He told me he wants me to come after september 23rd when we can be alone at his house. I wont be able to make it though. I dont know when my health will be better to at least travel. I told him 2 months because thats the best estimate i have, although i think it will be a little more. And to that one person saying that i should have told him from the start i liked him and i blew my chance, maybe you should learn how to read. I just broke up 1 day before i met him. I.was.not.interested. I knew his brother since 2008. I saw him and his brother as a friends. After that i went back home, which is 5 hours away. Of course i met other people. He would just message me about 1 or 2 topics the entire time and just ask to see me even though he knew i was in a long term relationship. I did not know anything about autism back then , plus i was in love with someone else and living with him. I thought he just saw me as a friend.


Thanks for the update. I hope something works out.

Glad to see you seem to understand you have to be patient and flexible with him; I think that is important.

I wish you the best with your health. Truly awful thing to have to deal with. So sorry.


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