Does autism make love and having feelings different for us?

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cato4797
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15 Sep 2017, 11:14 am

I recently dated someone - it ended terribly and it was completely my fault. I didn't treat her as well as she deserved. One of the issues was at one point my anxiety spiked up exponentially and I got depressed about is dating (I was worried about compatibility etc and was never 100% sure if I found her attractive - that last part changed over time tho).

Even tho I kept doubting whether or not I should date her, we had lots of fun and had a deep connection that only got stronger and more pronounced after things ended.

I spent so much time worried about how I felt over her and being anxious and guilty about that I completely disregarded her feelings. It consumed me and I strung her along.

Now I miss her and I think I care about her and I know I find her attractive. I miss being with her and spending time with her because I could be myself and because I made her feel safe and like she could be herself. We had lots of fun f

Is this what feelings are like? How does this transition to love? Is this typical aspire behavior?



wanderlust77
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15 Sep 2017, 12:14 pm

If you miss her and really care about her, you should reach out! If you really had a deep connection she would understand your anxiety and your doubts.
It's rare to find somebody who make you feel safe enough to be yourself, I don't think you should give up without even trying to get her back.
I know! It's painful, it makes you feel vulnerable if you open up but seriously, if you had a deep connection it would worth a try imo.
You can only win!



cato4797
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15 Sep 2017, 12:38 pm

wanderlust77 wrote:
If you miss her and really care about her, you should reach out! If you really had a deep connection she would understand your anxiety and your doubts.
It's rare to find somebody who make you feel safe enough to be yourself, I don't think you should give up without even trying to get her back.
I know! It's painful, it makes you feel vulnerable if you open up but seriously, if you had a deep connection it would worth a try imo.
You can only win!



But are these problems normal for aspies?

I've already done that multiple times but my doubts kept sabatoging me. I ended up hurting her so much that she told me to "go away and leave her alone" - I was pretty devastated (maybe I was just devastated).



cato4797
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15 Sep 2017, 1:01 pm

wanderlust77 wrote:
If you miss her and really care about her, you should reach out! If you really had a deep connection she would understand your anxiety and your doubts.
It's rare to find somebody who make you feel safe enough to be yourself, I don't think you should give up without even trying to get her back.
I know! It's painful, it makes you feel vulnerable if you open up but seriously, if you had a deep connection it would worth a try imo.
You can only win!



wanderlust77
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15 Sep 2017, 1:38 pm

Honestly? I have no idea if these are normal problems for aspies. I would think they are normal problems for everyone.
As they say men are not afraid of commitment, they are just afraid to commit to the wrong woman. It's normal to have doubts.
Can I ask how you hurt her?
What did you do?
If she likes you, I mean really likes you, she will forgive. I would.
I did forgive years of mistreatment as I knew he was not trying to hurt me intentionally.
Or care to tell what kind of doubts you had?



kitesandtrainsandcats
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15 Sep 2017, 2:28 pm

cato4797 wrote:
Does autism make love and having feelings different for us?
I don't know - since I've never been without autism I have no personal experience to use for comparison: and since I've never experienced someone else's feelings, that too leaves me with nothing to use for comparison.


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SilverBoltsisWmax
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15 Sep 2017, 2:34 pm

cato4797 wrote:
wanderlust77 wrote:
If you miss her and really care about her, you should reach out! If you really had a deep connection she would understand your anxiety and your doubts.
It's rare to find somebody who make you feel safe enough to be yourself, I don't think you should give up without even trying to get her back.
I know! It's painful, it makes you feel vulnerable if you open up but seriously, if you had a deep connection it would worth a try imo.
You can only win!



But are these problems normal for aspies?

I've already done that multiple times but my doubts kept sabatoging me. I ended up hurting her so much that she told me to "go away and leave her alone" - I was pretty devastated (maybe I was just devastated).


You want the truth here is the truth. Assuming you are not already to far gone, figure out if you really like her. Make a final decision on her, write down reasons why you apreciate her, why you value her, etc. Then when you have dumb thoughts or feelings that might cause you to self sabotage, do math problems in your head to gain control over your feelings remember what you wrote down look at her and smile and keep moving on.

Your problems are not special, lots of people have them its how you go about handling them and reacting to them.



arielhawksquill
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15 Sep 2017, 3:02 pm

You should leave that girl alone, you have broken her heart. Let her be happy with someone who won't jerk her around just because they don't understand their own feelings. When you start over with a new relationship, try to keep your doubts private to yourself unless you are ready to make decisions based on them. Telling a girl honestly that you aren't sure you find her attractive, for instance, will definitely poison things.



cato4797
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15 Sep 2017, 6:49 pm

arielhawksquill wrote:
You should leave that girl alone, you have broken her heart. Let her be happy with someone who won't jerk her around just because they don't understand their own feelings. When you start over with a new relationship, try to keep your doubts private to yourself unless you are ready to make decisions based on them. Telling a girl honestly that you aren't sure you find her attractive, for instance, will definitely poison things.


I fully intend to. And I never told her I found her unattractive.



Mr_Miner
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15 Sep 2017, 6:51 pm

I think every man autistic or not has done something stupid to a women. If you really care about her do not give up but be prepared to for her to move on without you. But in my experience if there is anything between you two and you get past the "I need some space" phase without another guy swooping in then you have a shot at getting her back. In a way you pressuring her AND showing you understand what you did wrong could go a long way. But like I said be prepared for her to say it was just too much and there will never be anything again. Do not confuse love and lust. Sometimes it's so painful to be without someone you accept less then what either of you want or need.



cato4797
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15 Sep 2017, 6:51 pm

kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:
cato4797 wrote:
Does autism make love and having feelings different for us?
I don't know - since I've never been without autism I have no personal experience to use for comparison: and since I've never experienced someone else's feelings, that too leaves me with nothing to use for comparison.


But what is it like for you to have feelings or love for someone else?



TheSpectrum
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15 Sep 2017, 6:58 pm

We have these romantic concepts and occasionally sexual ones that are left to dwell in our mind and become distorted without any sort of outside moderation. At best many only have forums like these to turn to.

I don't think that necessarily makes feelings about love or having feelings for anyone different from anyone else, but... (oh dear, I said but!) we sometimes lack the perspective of reality afforded to the "normies" as others would put it. To be neutral, you go in with the best of intentions but have the worst of experience behind you and the lack of time to build empathy within relationships to realise any possible mishaps on your end...SO!:

Yes, having Autism may alter your perception and affect your ability to be empathetic, BUT it is no magic wand to remove culpability nor should it stop your feelings being valid.

Just, approach relationships with an equal level of mind and heart in our case.


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Boxman108
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15 Sep 2017, 7:00 pm

arielhawksquill wrote:
You should leave that girl alone, you have broken her heart. Let her be happy with someone who won't jerk her around just because they don't understand their own feelings. When you start over with a new relationship, try to keep your doubts private to yourself unless you are ready to make decisions based on them. Telling a girl honestly that you aren't sure you find her attractive, for instance, will definitely poison things.


As always, mens' feelings don't matter, we are only allowed to baby women.


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TheSpectrum
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15 Sep 2017, 7:03 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
arielhawksquill wrote:
You should leave that girl alone, you have broken her heart. Let her be happy with someone who won't jerk her around just because they don't understand their own feelings. When you start over with a new relationship, try to keep your doubts private to yourself unless you are ready to make decisions based on them. Telling a girl honestly that you aren't sure you find her attractive, for instance, will definitely poison things.


As always, mens' feelings don't matter, we are only allowed to baby women.

I've always wanted to identify as something random to look hip with these new millenial types.
Being a middle class man who has no flattering skills or attributes, I think oppressing myself as a baby-woman might just do the trick.

What type of diapers do baby-women wear? Asking for a friend.


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imhere
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15 Sep 2017, 8:05 pm

Here's an NT's perspective:
You said your connection grew stronger after it ended....no it didn't. That is not possible. It takes two people to grow a connection and that doesn't happen after it ended. I think what you are describing is that you didn't know what you had til it was gone, and what you may have felt was regret because you missed what you had.

You also said that you never told her you found her attractive. Yea, that's a big problem dude. You need to make a woman feel special, even if you think that is pointless--it's not to her and it will never get old no matter how secure you feel in a relationship with a woman at some long distant point into the future of a relationship. You're never done "courting" her. Ever. She will return that to you 10 fold.

Now here's the thing. I do not believe it's over, I really don't, and I'm speaking from the other side. See, someone can't hurt you unless you care about them. If you don't care about someone, you would get angry instead of feeling hurt if they did something that would be considered uncaring, mean, or just plain inconsiderate. If she is hurt, she cared about you. If she cared about you, it is hard to be angry, even if she acted like it...that could be her way of building up her own courage to walk away and save face and do what she knew in her head was best for her, even if her heart told her differently. You would have a lot to make up for, and a lot of apologizing to do....but my vote would be to try to talk to her and explain things. If she doesn't know you are aspie, maybe you might want to share that with her if she is willing to listen and learn. But she won't know how you feel unless you tell her. I would suggest that you start at the beginning and tell her up front that you suck at expressing yourself and your words might not come out right but that you want to try if she would listen. Then tell her you regret how it ended. Then express your real feelings, and allow her to process and respond.

Don't ever let love walk away if you can catch it back. It's too rare a miracle.