Does autism make love and having feelings different for us?

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TheSpectrum
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15 Sep 2017, 8:11 pm

This seems more and more like a case of not being able to deal with it at the time but appreciating how important it was went it went. This is useful to know from the OP's perspective.

It doesn't have to be over, but can start over.


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cato4797
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15 Sep 2017, 10:09 pm

imhere wrote:
Here's an NT's perspective:
You said your connection grew stronger after it ended....no it didn't. That is not possible. It takes two people to grow a connection and that doesn't happen after it ended. I think what you are describing is that you didn't know what you had till it was gone, and what you may have felt was regret because you missed what you had.

You also said that you never told her you found her attractive. Yea, that's a big problem dude. You need to make a woman feel special, even if you think that is pointless--it's not to her and it will never get old no matter how secure you feel in a relationship with a woman at some long distant point into the future of a relationship. You're never done "courting" her. Ever. She will return that to you 10 fold.

Now here's the thing. I do not believe it's over, I really don't, and I'm speaking from the other side. See, someone can't hurt you unless you care about them. If you don't care about someone, you would get angry instead of feeling hurt if they did something that would be considered uncaring, mean, or just plain inconsiderate. If she is hurt, she cared about you. If she cared about you, it is hard to be angry, even if she acted like it...that could be her way of building up her own courage to walk away and save face and do what she knew in her head was best for her, even if her heart told her differently. You would have a lot to make up for, and a lot of apologizing to do....but my vote would be to try to talk to her and explain things. If she doesn't know you are aspie, maybe you might want to share that with her if she is willing to listen and learn. But she won't know how you feel unless you tell her. I would suggest that you start at the beginning and tell her up front that you suck at expressing yourself and your words might not come out right but that you want to try if she would listen. Then tell her you regret how it ended. Then express your real feelings, and allow her to process and respond.

Don't ever let love walk away if you can catch it back. It's too rare a miracle.



First, we actually kept talking after it was "over" and trying to be friends (that was what I wanted - she didn't want to move on but eventually she sorta accepted it). She actually cut off ties 3-5 times, depending on how you put it. The last time I really did hurt her. A lot.

Second, I did tell her I found her attractive. What I said above was that I never said she was "unattractive" which someone else on this post accused me of saying. I hated that she was worried she didn't find herself attractive too, because I did. I told her I found her body incredbike the last time I saw her and we "did things".

Third she knows I am, I told her that on our second date. She probably is too (according to both of us) and she has other things going on too. Part of these problems exacerbated the e :?: ffects of what I did to her.

At this point, my worry is that I don't understand fully what feelings are, not that I'm letting her get away. At most I can be friends with her, especially since I'm still doubting my feelings. I need lots of therapy and such before I'm willing to date some again where feelings are involved.



imhere
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15 Sep 2017, 10:14 pm

Each and every day that goes by, I hurt over the way my aspie friend spoke to me last and because I don't suspect I'll ever hear from him again. If I learned that he felt even a small part of what the OP has expressed, it would mean the world to me. But the only thing I have is the words he last said--that's all I have and those words are pain. That's all your girl has too. Give her something else.



cato4797
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15 Sep 2017, 10:22 pm

imhere wrote:
Each and every day that goes by, I hurt over the way my aspie friend spoke to me last and because I don't suspect I'll ever hear from him again. If I learned that he felt even a small part of what the OP has expressed, it would mean the world to me. But the only thing I have is the words he last said--that's all I have and those words are pain. That's all your girl has too. Give her something else.


She told me I had caused her too much pain. She said to go away and leave her alone... I don't think she wants me back. And also what if after talking my therapist income to a gradual realization I no longer never have feelings for her and I decide I never did, what then? Was I leading her on? Would she want to hear that?

I hope she wants to be friends again but I gotta give her space.



imhere
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15 Sep 2017, 11:01 pm

If it's not too personal, what did you do to her that caused her to go?



rdos
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16 Sep 2017, 1:56 am

imhere wrote:
Here's an NT's perspective:
You said your connection grew stronger after it ended....no it didn't. That is not possible. It takes two people to grow a connection and that doesn't happen after it ended. I think what you are describing is that you didn't know what you had til it was gone, and what you may have felt was regret because you missed what you had.


I don't think that is very helpful since NTs and NDs don't build connections the same way.

As an ND, you typically know you have feelings for somebody if you think a lot about her/him. Over time it changes to be less like an infatuation and more like a strong bond, but that is a gradual process.

And no, an ND cannot just "cut off" things because it ends. The infatuation and obsessive thoughts will go on even if it has ended. ND courtship is not meant to be like typical NT-dating where things can end abruptly at any time, which is also why NDs should avoid dating.

So, an ND can build a connection without dating, talking or socialization, but that also means they need to be observant that it is mutual because otherwise, things can go really wrong.



imhere
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16 Sep 2017, 10:03 am

rdos wrote:
imhere wrote:
Here's an NT's perspective:
You said your connection grew stronger after it ended....no it didn't. That is not possible. It takes two people to grow a connection and that doesn't happen after it ended. I think what you are describing is that you didn't know what you had til it was gone, and what you may have felt was regret because you missed what you had.


I don't think that is very helpful since NTs and NDs don't build connections the same way.

As an ND, you typically know you have feelings for somebody if you think a lot about her/him. Over time it changes to be less like an infatuation and more like a strong bond, but that is a gradual process.

And no, an ND cannot just "cut off" things because it ends. The infatuation and obsessive thoughts will go on even if it has ended. ND courtship is not meant to be like typical NT-dating where things can end abruptly at any time, which is also why NDs should avoid dating.

So, an ND can build a connection without dating, talking or socialization, but that also means they need to be observant that it is mutual because otherwise, things can go really wrong.


This does not make sense to me, either as ND or NT, this is illogical. You are referring to building something between two people when there is no connection but just one person on one side. That is not building anything...it is just realizing how you feel inside yourself and understanding yourself better. By definition a relationship (of any kind) requires interaction between two people. Sure, people can analyze their own feelings alone and realize how they feel about someone else and maybe those feelings turn out to be deeper than they thought...and that might result in regret over realizing you felt more than you originally thought or it might be the exact opposite...but that is not a connection unless....well...the other person is connected and reciprocates. You refer to infatuation going on even if it has ended....that is NOT a connection! That is realizing feelings YOU have inside yourself, by yourself, alone with yourself, locked inside your own head. The other person may or may not feel the same. Without a CONNECTION, you don't know which it is.



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16 Sep 2017, 11:31 am

cato4797 wrote:
imhere wrote:
Each and every day that goes by, I hurt over the way my aspie friend spoke to me last and because I don't suspect I'll ever hear from him again. If I learned that he felt even a small part of what the OP has expressed, it would mean the world to me. But the only thing I have is the words he last said--that's all I have and those words are pain. That's all your girl has too. Give her something else.


She told me I had caused her too much pain. She said to go away and leave her alone... I don't think she wants me back. And also what if after talking my therapist income to a gradual realization I no longer never have feelings for her and I decide I never did, what then? Was I leading her on? Would she want to hear that?

I hope she wants to be friends again but I gotta give her space.


Sounds like it will be best to try and move on, a lot of time people can't really remain friends after breaking up...some people do, but its not terribly common, especially if there were hurt feelings and such involved in the breaking up. I think talking to the therapist is a good idea and it is possible you might have a realization like that.


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rdos
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17 Sep 2017, 3:47 am

imhere wrote:
This does not make sense to me, either as ND or NT, this is illogical. You are referring to building something between two people when there is no connection but just one person on one side. That is not building anything...it is just realizing how you feel inside yourself and understanding yourself better.


I'm not even sure if we share what a connection is. So what is a connection to an NT? Is it a bond (an attachment)? Is it some verbal exchange (asking for a date, the exclusive talk, something else)?

I think for me, a connection is something very unusual when I can communicate with somebody over a distance, something I call a spiritual connection. It only happened to me twice. Once with my premature son and once with a girl I had a strong crush on. With the girl, it took several years of nonverbal contact before the spiritual connection formed. I don't think such a connection is a requirement for a relationship, but it sure is an interesting experience.

imhere wrote:
By definition a relationship (of any kind) requires interaction between two people.


Certainly, but interaction doesn't need to be dating or conversation. I very much prefer nonverbal interaction, either with reciprocal flirting or a with a spiritual connection that always is mutual.

imhere wrote:
Sure, people can analyze their own feelings alone and realize how they feel about someone else and maybe those feelings turn out to be deeper than they thought...and that might result in regret over realizing you felt more than you originally thought or it might be the exact opposite...but that is not a connection unless....well...the other person is connected and reciprocates.


I think many NDs don't naturally analyze their feelings. They are mostly unconscious, which is why people ask if they are in love and alike in the first place.

imhere wrote:
You refer to infatuation going on even if it has ended....that is NOT a connection! That is realizing feelings YOU have inside yourself, by yourself, alone with yourself, locked inside your own head. The other person may or may not feel the same. Without a CONNECTION, you don't know which it is.


Again, we are back to the connection thing. I agree that knowing if it is mutual is essential, but I think our methods of finding that out are different. I don't need to ask a girl for a date or have a conversation with her to know there is mutual interest. Doing the eye contact game repeatedly qualifies as mutual interest, and so does playing games with hints with alternating initiatives. My guess is that you exchange this information verbally, first by asking for a date, and then by having the exclusive talk, neither of which I ever did because that is not natural for me.

The mistake many NDs make is to get a crush on somebody and then start to obsess over them before they know there is a mutual interest. That typically leads to unrequited love. Assuring there is mutual interest always must come first, but after that, it is fine to obsess over them to form a strong bond. I'd even claim that is necessary for many NDs to form stable relationships.



wanderlust77
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17 Sep 2017, 2:39 pm

It still worth a last try!! !!
We just don't know what exactly happened between them.
An honest as possible conversation is worth it. At least for a closure!
He can move on after that.
Do you guys really want him to live with regrets?
"What if" is the worst thing I can imagine to live with.



cato4797
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17 Sep 2017, 3:51 pm

wanderlust77 wrote:
It still worth a last try!! ! !
We just don't know what exactly happened between them.
An honest as possible conversation is worth it. At least for a closure!
He can move on after that.
Do you guys really want him to live with regrets?
"What if" is the worst thing I can imagine to live with.


First of all I've kind of started to move on and get over her. I wanted to be friends but I'd caused her too much pain, and she had hurt me a bit too although I hadn't really communicated that at all.

She refused to block me but won't answers calls and texts anymore anyways so there's no point in trying.



wanderlust77
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17 Sep 2017, 11:25 pm

Ok, I missed that bit she doesn't respond to texts or calls.



Last bumped by cato4797 on 17 Sep 2017, 11:25 pm.