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Marknis
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20 Sep 2017, 10:58 pm

I am almost 30 and I feel like my 20's were wasted. Instead of dating, having sex, and getting engaged like so many people I know around me did, I was deprived of those things and everything that I tried to do in order to get out of the rut ended in failure. I feel like I am damaged and malfunctioning but I can't be treated. Even if I do become confident, it will be too late because my empty past (Except for one real relationship that didn't last) will mark me as "strange" or even a serial killer in waiting.



Marknis
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21 Sep 2017, 12:46 am

I really hate my life. I have been deprived of potential girlfriends in so many ways. Most of my male friends had no sisters, few of my family's friende had daughters or nieces, and the same goes for my therapist.



kraftiekortie
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21 Sep 2017, 3:31 am

This is true:

Many people who don't succeed in their 20s succeed in their 30s.

I did much better in my 30s than my 20s.

Don't let your past determine your future.

And don't let Internet strangers provoke you.



magz
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21 Sep 2017, 5:58 am

Why the hell people put so much importance into dating and having casual sex? It's really overrated.

Also, I'm glad I'm not a yought anymore. Now I can follow my own idea of my life, not those silly expectations of the young society.

Thirties and fourties are great!


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Closet Genious
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21 Sep 2017, 6:25 am

magz wrote:
Why the hell people put so much importance into dating and having casual sex? It's really overrated.

Also, I'm glad I'm not a yought anymore. Now I can follow my own idea of my life, not those silly expectations of the young society.

Thirties and fourties are great!


That's very easy to say if you're a female who's gotten attention of the opposite sex easily.

I am speaking on behalf of the OP, as I myself have had the opportunity to get my feet wet. I can certainly understand his frustration.



Fireblossom
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21 Sep 2017, 7:53 am

In a way I know the feeling. I'm still on my early twenties, but I often feel like I wasted my teenage years. At times I keep thinking that I should've put more effort in trying to form stronger social relationships, should've taken my studies more seriously, should've worked more, should've traveled more etc. I'm definitely not trying to belittle your feelings or experiences when I say this, but I think many people feel like that at some point in their lives. You know, just regretting not doing certain things in certain age, even if it would have been highly unlikely for them to be able to do it even if they had tried harder.

It can't be helped anymore; one can't take back the time they've lost, but sometimes one can learn from it. It's not too late to start the kind of life you want.



magz
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21 Sep 2017, 9:08 am

Closet Genious wrote:
magz wrote:
Why the hell people put so much importance into dating and having casual sex? It's really overrated.

Also, I'm glad I'm not a yought anymore. Now I can follow my own idea of my life, not those silly expectations of the young society.

Thirties and fourties are great!


That's very easy to say if you're a female who's gotten attention of the opposite sex easily.

???
Maybe there is some cultural bias but I definitely don't catch the attention of the opposite sex easily. Never been really popular... and guys who showed interest too often meant only exploiting, as they imagined an unpopular girl would be an easy target.

But maybe it is all about the cultural bias. I don't get all this dating pressure in the US customs. My parents and most of my friends found their other halves just doing something together, some never did any dating per se.


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kraftiekortie
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21 Sep 2017, 9:20 am

You would be popular with me LOL

I've always wanted to explore Poland. My mother's lineage probably has some Polish in it. They came to America in 1910, from Minsk, Belarus.



wolventears
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21 Sep 2017, 9:46 am

I'm in my mid 20's, I've had my fair share of "adventures".

I don't reminiscense about the past of potential girlfriends anymore, because I would've ended in some strange "friendzone".

I think, it was because of searching for a soulmate, after I had some experience, I rather kept playing pokemon, because there is no such thing and intimacy was meh.

Instead of sounding desperate to the girls be more aloof and stupid(this sounds like some bad advice because it really is ..)

8)



SixthTitan
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21 Sep 2017, 10:23 am

Life isn't always about dating, having sex, or getting hitched.
If you link your happiness that way then you'll never be happy in that sense.

I spent my 20s going to college, working, writing books, and preparing for retirement.
I don't regret any second of it, I don't need someone to make me happy.

My happiness is my own, and now that I am retired; I have the freedom to do whatever i want in life.
Somethings that people tend to forget is that they lose their sense of self when they are with a significant other, I've seen it countless times in real life. Why would I want to give that up? Life's just starting for me.

You also feel trapped and aren't able to do the many things you may want to do without consulting your other, suddenly everything you want to do has to be consulted and approved by someone else in a mutual agreement.

And what happens if you don't work out and start the proceedings for a divorce?
Unless you were married under a common law marriage: You have to forfeit your pay also called "Alimony" because even if you had a prenup the judge doesn't always acknowledge that. Until your would be gets remarried.

So, don't think of life that way, that you have to find someone quickly. You're just going to make yourself miserable, enjoy the other aspects of life.

Fly to the Artic, Climb a mountain, go hiking, see a movie, go sky diving.
The money you earn now is yours to do with whatever you want and you don't need to consult or ask someone else to go on vacation. Just go! :D

Hope this helps.

Marknis wrote:
I am almost 30 and I feel like my 20's were wasted. Instead of dating, having sex, and getting engaged like so many people I know around me did, I was deprived of those things and everything that I tried to do in order to get out of the rut ended in failure. I feel like I am damaged and malfunctioning but I can't be treated. Even if I do become confident, it will be too late because my empty past (Except for one real relationship that didn't last) will mark me as "strange" or even a serial killer in waiting.



Marknis
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21 Sep 2017, 11:14 am

Closet Genious wrote:
magz wrote:
Why the hell people put so much importance into dating and having casual sex? It's really overrated.

Also, I'm glad I'm not a yought anymore. Now I can follow my own idea of my life, not those silly expectations of the young society.

Thirties and fourties are great!


That's very easy to say if you're a female who's gotten attention of the opposite sex easily.

I am speaking on behalf of the OP, as I myself have had the opportunity to get my feet wet. I can certainly understand his frustration.


I always got the message that if you weren't in a relationship, you were "flawed". After my parents split up, they started dating other people again. My older brother constantly had girlfriends and so did some of my male cousins. Even my grandmother started dating someone after her lover passed away! Whenever I would see couples hugging, kissing, and smiling, I would wonder "Why them and not me?". My hormones were also kicking in and seeing how sex was depicted in media (From movies to hentai), it fueled a lot of fantasies for me.

It felt like everyone else was invited to a party while my invitation got lost in the mail. I feel like I need love to heal but I can't get it so I keep suffering day after day. When you have a problem but you can't find a solution for the rest of the day, shouldn't that mean you'll never find a solution at all?



The_Face_of_Boo
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21 Sep 2017, 11:53 am

SixthTitan wrote:
Life isn't always about dating, having sex, or getting hitched.
If you link your happiness that way then you'll never be happy in that sense.

I spent my 20s going to college, working, writing books, and preparing for retirement.
I don't regret any second of it, I don't need someone to make me happy.

My happiness is my own, and now that I am retired; I have the freedom to do whatever i want in life.
Somethings that people tend to forget is that they lose their sense of self when they are with a significant other, I've seen it countless times in real life. Why would I want to give that up? Life's just starting for me.

You also feel trapped and aren't able to do the many things you may want to do without consulting your other, suddenly everything you want to do has to be consulted and approved by someone else in a mutual agreement.

And what happens if you don't work out and start the proceedings for a divorce?
Unless you were married under a common law marriage: You have to forfeit your pay also called "Alimony" because even if you had a prenup the judge doesn't always acknowledge that. Until your would be gets remarried.

So, don't think of life that way, that you have to find someone quickly. You're just going to make yourself miserable, enjoy the other aspects of life.

Fly to the Artic, Climb a mountain, go hiking, see a movie, go sky diving.
The money you earn now is yours to do with whatever you want and you don't need to consult or ask someone else to go on vacation. Just go! :D

Hope this helps.

Marknis wrote:
I am almost 30 and I feel like my 20's were wasted. Instead of dating, having sex, and getting engaged like so many people I know around me did, I was deprived of those things and everything that I tried to do in order to get out of the rut ended in failure. I feel like I am damaged and malfunctioning but I can't be treated. Even if I do become confident, it will be too late because my empty past (Except for one real relationship that didn't last) will mark me as "strange" or even a serial killer in waiting.


Companionship is a very basic human need.

Just because you don't have it doesn't mean that most people don't.

It's not unnatural to feel something missing for its lack.



kraftiekortie
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21 Sep 2017, 12:10 pm

You might be "strange" (I'm "strange," too)

But I don't see any evidence that you will become a serial killer.

Many people don't have optimum social relations---and they don't lose their moral basis.

Don't get yourself stuck in some ideology which is not based upon real contact with people.



GiantHockeyFan
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21 Sep 2017, 12:32 pm

Marknis wrote:
I always got the message that if you weren't in a relationship, you were "flawed". After my parents split up, they started dating other people again. My older brother constantly had girlfriends and so did some of my male cousins. Even my grandmother started dating someone after her lover passed away! Whenever I would see couples hugging, kissing, and smiling, I would wonder "Why them and not me?". My hormones were also kicking in and seeing how sex was depicted in media (From movies to hentai), it fueled a lot of fantasies for me.

It felt like everyone else was invited to a party while my invitation got lost in the mail. I feel like I need love to heal but I can't get it so I keep suffering day after day. When you have a problem but you can't find a solution for the rest of the day, shouldn't that mean you'll never find a solution at all?


I can relate all too well. How much it sucked when all my loser cousins got married one by one while I, the responsible and caring one could not even get a hug from a woman in my 20s. Things obviously did work out but I made a huge mistake being so desperate that I grabbed the first person who showed any interest in me at 29. After I said "f*^$ relationships" at the age of 32 I met my wife a week later. I know it's hard now but in hindsight everything I did built up to that moment and I did NOT "waste" my 20s in any way. Hindsight is 20/20 but I made the best decisions I could have with the knowledge I had.

I wouldn't worry about your lack of experience. For the record my wife would have preferred my low "number" to be even lower than it is and was not turned off it. She WAS turned off by my bitter attitude thanks to crazy ex although luckily she is very understanding: one big positive for someone in their 30s is that there are no ex-spouses or children to worry about. If a woman rejects you for inexperience, thank her for not wasting your time and be glad you know she isn't the one. Besides, you don't even need to share it with anyone, just say you aren't comfortable talking about past relationships yet with someone new.

If it makes you feel any better most of the women who rejected me over the years are either still single or in miserable relationships meanwhile my wife gets upset sometimes because other women check me out regularly. I would have NEVER dreamed of that happening in my 20s! the trick is to have inner confidence that you are a valuable person, you don't care what other ignorant, judgmental people think of you and you deserve to be treated with respect, weird or not. Easier said than done but learn that and attracting a relationship becomes easier than you would have imagined.



hurtloam
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21 Sep 2017, 12:40 pm

Closet Genious wrote:
magz wrote:
Why the hell people put so much importance into dating and having casual sex? It's really overrated.

Also, I'm glad I'm not a yought anymore. Now I can follow my own idea of my life, not those silly expectations of the young society.

Thirties and fourties are great!


That's very easy to say if you're a female who's gotten attention of the opposite sex easily.

I am speaking on behalf of the OP, as I myself have had the opportunity to get my feet wet. I can certainly understand his frustration.


Your feet?

You're doing it wrong then.



Sabreclaw
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21 Sep 2017, 12:43 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Closet Genious wrote:
magz wrote:
Why the hell people put so much importance into dating and having casual sex? It's really overrated.

Also, I'm glad I'm not a yought anymore. Now I can follow my own idea of my life, not those silly expectations of the young society.

Thirties and fourties are great!


That's very easy to say if you're a female who's gotten attention of the opposite sex easily.

I am speaking on behalf of the OP, as I myself have had the opportunity to get my feet wet. I can certainly understand his frustration.


Your feet?

You're doing it wrong then.


What else is a guy supposed to use? Feet are perfect for the job.