Partners and Routines

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TLDR: How would you deal with/handle/talk to a partner who places less value on routines than you do?

Due to issues with executive function, I've realized recently that I need a strong daily routine to "keep up" with life. We're talking a written list of everything from when I get up to when I brush my teeth and put on clean clothes to which days I know I MUST shower that I go through and check off each day as I do them. For the most part, this routine has zero impact on my boyfriend and he doesn't even know it's happening (because it's stuff NTs do naturally/automatically).

However, in our morning routine I keep having the same hang-up. I get up first, by several hours, so I do a whole bunch of stuff while he sleeps. Then, when he gets up on week days, we sit together for a few minutes and smoke a cigarette and catch up on the news/weather quick, then he's out the door. I don't mind this part of our day, but his "wake up" time varies day to day.

I've mentioned that this bothers me a couple of times, because I want to be able to participate in this part of the day (and if I don't he finds me wherever I am and stops whatever I'm doing for the smoke together before he goes) but I can't read his effing mind on when it's going to happen. I try to plan my early-morning so that I'll be available at 8:05, which is USUALLY when he gets out of the shower and is ready to sit with me, but sometimes he'll randomly get up at 7:30 and want me by 7:45 and it totally throws off my whole morning. I get off my routine, I get discouraged, I start skipping more items throughout my day, and I get more anxious. And I'll think about him getting up early all day. And wonder why he did, and if he had been planning to, why didn't he tell me? And if he wasn't planning to, why did he?

Today, it was because his phone died and he woke up having no idea what time it was and just got up. That, to me, is totally incomprehensible. Why would you, after using your phone all day, run your white noise app all night without plugging your phone in? Especially when it's also the only alarm you have?! It seems like such plain logic in general, let alone in giving me a tiny bit of help in managing my life.

The second issue with the morning routine is that because I get up first, I cannot make the bed when I get up. But, having a made bed to get into each night is important to me. I've nicely asked him a few times to make the bed when he gets up, because he gets up after me. Whether or not he actually does is hit or miss. Yesterday he did a nice job; today, despite getting up early, he skipped it. Some days he just does a really crappy job (which he'll admit is crappy if asked how he thinks he did on making the bed).

I've shown him how I like it done, I've asked him to do it, I've explained that it's important to me, and for now, I've just written it into my routine to do after he leaves for work. If he's already done it well, I get 3 minutes back in my day. If he's done it poorly, I get to fix it on my schedule. And if he hasn't done it at all, I have time to make up for it. Since I put it into my routine, I'm feeling less angry at him (because I just expect to do it myself now), but is this actually a healthy fix?

I suppose this is also where I mention that while I've had my suspicions of being on the spectrum for many years, I've only just come to the realization that I actually probably am, and I'm becoming more aware to the ways in which it affects my life, and I'm in the process of getting a formal assessment. The boyfriend has basically no knowledge of autism or what it can look like, and until I get that formal assessment, he doesn't want me "obsessing" over it and "convincing" myself I have it. That's for the Dr. to decide, according to him.

I considered myself lucky to have a partner that was OCD. I could count on her to remember all the routines, so I didn't have to. If there was an Dr.'s appointment she would see it on the calendar and remind me.

Perhaps you should have your mid morning get together at 8:05 and if he gets up early, perhaps there is some chore he could do so he doesn't throw off your schedule. There must be something the could do early in the morning to keep busy.

I'm an Aspie who has OCD & loves routines & predictability. I'm living with my girlfriend who's also on the spectrum & also has OCD. She has bad anxiety & depression thou which can throw her off routines & schedules really easily. We've had lots of fights & arguments over things like plans getting put off or changed. The arguments & fights feel aLOT worse to me afterwords than just dealing with the changes. I've learned not to get upset at her because what she really needs is support & she's leanred that she has to try to stick to things more unless she's feeling really bad or things come up. My point is that you'll have to find a way to compromise or learn to just put up with things cuz most couples get driven crazy by things about the other but just put up with it cuz it's easier than fighting & trying to change em.

Well can you compromise on any of it, it does seem a little much to expect someone to always get up at the exact same time, sit down with you and have a cigarette at the exact same time and not only make the bed but have to do it in a very specific way you tell them to? Does he also have to come home the exact same time every day, watch t.v at the exact same time, brush his teeth at the same time and go to bed at the same time with no exceptions to? I mean sheesh that is a lot to keep up with. I mean compromising goes both ways...he could make a better effort to understand your need for routines, but you gotta give some breathing room...because for someone who does not themselves need that kind of routine it can be extremely stressful to try and live by such a strict routine that doesn't even allow for any variation of what time they get up.

To clarify, he's the one imposing the "sit together and smoke" part of the routine. I'm trying to compromise by putting it into my daily schedule, but never knowing when it will happen drives me a little bonkers. I know it seems stupid, it feels stupid to me to be so flustered over something so trivial, but I have a really hard time with starting/stopping tasks and changing gears. If I'm on task doing something, I need to finish it before I move on to something else. Stopping mid-task seriously reduces the likelihood of me going back and finishing it. I'm aware of it, and I am trying to work on it, but he doesn't understand or acknowledge this as an autistic trait because I haven't gotten my assessment yet.

As for the rest of HIS schedule, the only other "strict" thing I ask of him is to get up by 11 on the weekends. We had a fight early on about my expectation of us having the same bed time, but I let go of that one pretty easily. It was just something I had grown accustomed to with my previous boyfriend (the only other man I've ever lived with), something that he did voluntarily, and something I thought was just how live-together relationships worked.

As far as making the bed goes, it's the ONE thing I would like him to do for me "just because" it makes me feel good. He has plenty of rules for me about where I can put his things and how I have to treat them, and it pisses me off that he can tell me a rule once, and no matter how arbitrary it seems to me, it will be a rule I follow for life. He won't ever have to remind me about it again. I just want ONE of those that he can do for me.

Every couple has to figure out what works for them. A detailed assessment may help in that it will show what your deficits are. Then again, denial may render any assessment irrelevant.

We all have different strengths and weaknesses. No amount of love or nagging is going to fix a weakness, no matter how many Disney movies you watch.