Did I not get the hint?
26 Nov 2017, 8:22 pm
AngelRho wrote:
I appreciate your feelings on this matter. I found breakups difficult when I was younger, and I know I wasn’t ever an easy bf to deal with. My insecurities were mostly that I was never anyone’s type. I’d latch onto whoever I had an infatuation with and go full-on stalker with those who took a chance on me. There was one last unfortunate young lady towards the end of college when I finally decided I was done with that part of my life.
When I finally did start exercising some semblance of sanity, I ended up in an extended relationship that lasted entirely too long. The girl served me with an ultimatum: either put a ring on it and impregnate it, or move on.
Over 10 years and 3 kids later, I’d say I made the right choice. She worries that she forced me into it, but she had every right to threaten me back then. Maybe I wasn’t ready just yet, but what she needed was something more than empty promises from me. And it really, REALLY would have sucked to lose my best friend over something genuinely stupid.
You know your situation better than I do, of course. You’ll figure it out. I just think you’re in the same place my then-gf was. The difference is you’re there after only 9 months or so whereas we’d been together some 6 years. By 1-2 years in a serious relationship, you should either be married or at least making some movement in that direction. What I’m seeing from what little you’ve told us are HUGE red flags.
Think about it a bit. Single father, lots of pressures, can’t make a LDR a priority, AND YET his comings/goings are all over social media? Wait...he has a social life but absolutely no time to respond maybe once a day to messages? He doesn’t have 10 minutes to ask you about your day just before bedtime?
NOT.
GOOD.
You can try pursuing him if you know the situation and think you can really make this work. But I have a strong feeling this is just wasting your precious time.
If you really are as attractive as you say you are (send pics, haha), you’ll have little trouble finding someone. You should spend your time enjoying life and finding something real, not wasting time with a LDR that’s only going to test your patience and end up leaving you disappointed.
When I finally did start exercising some semblance of sanity, I ended up in an extended relationship that lasted entirely too long. The girl served me with an ultimatum: either put a ring on it and impregnate it, or move on.
Over 10 years and 3 kids later, I’d say I made the right choice. She worries that she forced me into it, but she had every right to threaten me back then. Maybe I wasn’t ready just yet, but what she needed was something more than empty promises from me. And it really, REALLY would have sucked to lose my best friend over something genuinely stupid.
You know your situation better than I do, of course. You’ll figure it out. I just think you’re in the same place my then-gf was. The difference is you’re there after only 9 months or so whereas we’d been together some 6 years. By 1-2 years in a serious relationship, you should either be married or at least making some movement in that direction. What I’m seeing from what little you’ve told us are HUGE red flags.
Think about it a bit. Single father, lots of pressures, can’t make a LDR a priority, AND YET his comings/goings are all over social media? Wait...he has a social life but absolutely no time to respond maybe once a day to messages? He doesn’t have 10 minutes to ask you about your day just before bedtime?
NOT.
GOOD.
You can try pursuing him if you know the situation and think you can really make this work. But I have a strong feeling this is just wasting your precious time.
If you really are as attractive as you say you are (send pics, haha), you’ll have little trouble finding someone. You should spend your time enjoying life and finding something real, not wasting time with a LDR that’s only going to test your patience and end up leaving you disappointed.
After he told me in September that he was going to have difficulty finding time for the relationship and we agreed to stay together, I went and visited him where he lives. Visit was perfect. Then once I got home he started doing the messaging a few times a day to check up on me, but was obviously less engaged than before. I had literally forgotten what he’d told me about the next few months because I was so in love after our visit, and I kept demanding more. I gave him an ultimatum about introducing me to his family so that they’d be happy to watch his daughter so he could visit me more often. I was really pushy with it, messaging a dozen times a day and many long messages. He told me he was stressed and I was asking too much right now, but I kept pushing because I felt he was backing off on our relationship and I hadn’t accepted his reasons
Then he called me and raised his voice at me for doing that to him, and I apologised and backed down. We didn’t speak for a few days and he started only messaging me every few days. I gave him a little space then got more clingy again because I was feeling insecure with the lack of attention. After a couple weeks of this, that phone call happened where he said I hadn't taken him seriously and he needed to focus on the other priorities (work, family, health), that he cared for me but not enough that he can deprioritise those other things (which he felt I was trying to get him to do)
I think he could have found time to message me more, but he was overwhelmed with how I’d been behaving on top of the other things that he had started having to deal with (full time job and family pressure, frequent illness for him or his daughter). He did try. And then he seems to have given up because I wasn’t able to adjust to the changes, despite promising him I would. This is why I apologised to him and have tried to change since that last phone call, as well as sought counselling
It is a bit unfair that he’s socialising with our mutual friends and ignoring me, but he needs that to get out of the house because his family make him depressed. They ramped up the pressure on him this year since he was doing nothing other than being a dad and being my boyfriend
I did mess things up, and I know he tried. Does that still seem like huge red flags? Because I feel almost entirely responsible for this happening and I’m working hard to get better now
I’m not going to pursue him any further, and I know I can find someone else. I just don’t want anyone else. I’d rather be single until I find what I had with him, which is really hard to find
My gut feeling is that he truly did want to make things work, and now he’s stepped back for perspective and to focus his energy on his family and the work he’s doing (plus a number of other responsibilities). It is a bit cruel how he just stopped talking to me, but maybe he didn’t know how else to back out without closing the door completely and breaking my heart. I don’t know
I am telling myself it’s a breakup and he doesn’t care, hoping that it’ll make things easier. But truth is deep down I am waiting for him and hoping that he will come back, and I don't know how to do otherwise
I really feel this was my fault and that he did the best he could given the circumstances
26 Nov 2017, 9:16 pm
honeymiel wrote:
I am struggling a lot with a relationship that has been very important to me and would appreciate some outside perspective.
My boyfriend and I (long distance) were together for 9 mths. I know him through mutual friends, have known him a long time and we started out as best friends before deciding that our connection was so strong/unique that neither of us had felt it before and it was worth trying to do the long distance thing. Our relationship was mostly easy and just generally good, and I spent time with him in person (he's only 1 hr plane ride away)
A few months ago he told me he was experiencing a lot of stress/pressure and predicted that between then (September) and the end of the year, he wouldn't have much time/mental space for our relationship. He wasn't sure if we would survive that time since we already were long distance, but we agreed to stay together and I told him I'd be supportive. However, I wasn't - I got insecure and kept messaging him as much as before, would get very upset when he wouldn't respond for a few days and he would only message/call a little. He started getting angry with me over a few things I said/did, but I was too insecure to change it. Note: his reasons for being stressed are very valid but too much to go into here
We then had a phone call 6 weeks ago and I asked him if he wanted to break up and he stayed silent (I think meaning he was unsure). I then asked him why he hasn't broken up with me yet and he said "I thought things would get easier but they've just gotten harder. I have to step back from one of my priorities for now and unfortunately that is intimate relationships". I asked him when we could talk next and he said he didn't know. We hung up and a few days later, after he was continuing to ignore messages I had a bit of a meltdown and sent him what must have been 30 messages and a few missed phone calls - he'd expressed he didn't like this on the phone call. He didn't respond to any of it
I then stopped messaging for a week and sent him an apology, which he read. I have messaged once a week since then, either apologising or telling him I miss him/am proud of him/know he was doing his best. He still hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks
It's only now that I'm looking back and wondering if that was a breakup line and I didn't get the hint? He knows I have ASD (and abandonment issues that I'm getting help for now since I kept being insecure with him). I find it hard to believe he would just "abandon" me like this when he obviously can tell I didn't get the hint since I've continued to try and be a supportive girlfriend
I've seen a counsellor and still can't figure it out. I don't know if he broke up with me, or just got overwhelmed/fed up and needed to take space. Do you think he might come back when things get easier for him?
I may have pushed him away but I haven't had any more meltdowns since apologising and promising to change
My boyfriend and I (long distance) were together for 9 mths. I know him through mutual friends, have known him a long time and we started out as best friends before deciding that our connection was so strong/unique that neither of us had felt it before and it was worth trying to do the long distance thing. Our relationship was mostly easy and just generally good, and I spent time with him in person (he's only 1 hr plane ride away)
A few months ago he told me he was experiencing a lot of stress/pressure and predicted that between then (September) and the end of the year, he wouldn't have much time/mental space for our relationship. He wasn't sure if we would survive that time since we already were long distance, but we agreed to stay together and I told him I'd be supportive. However, I wasn't - I got insecure and kept messaging him as much as before, would get very upset when he wouldn't respond for a few days and he would only message/call a little. He started getting angry with me over a few things I said/did, but I was too insecure to change it. Note: his reasons for being stressed are very valid but too much to go into here
We then had a phone call 6 weeks ago and I asked him if he wanted to break up and he stayed silent (I think meaning he was unsure). I then asked him why he hasn't broken up with me yet and he said "I thought things would get easier but they've just gotten harder. I have to step back from one of my priorities for now and unfortunately that is intimate relationships". I asked him when we could talk next and he said he didn't know. We hung up and a few days later, after he was continuing to ignore messages I had a bit of a meltdown and sent him what must have been 30 messages and a few missed phone calls - he'd expressed he didn't like this on the phone call. He didn't respond to any of it
I then stopped messaging for a week and sent him an apology, which he read. I have messaged once a week since then, either apologising or telling him I miss him/am proud of him/know he was doing his best. He still hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks
It's only now that I'm looking back and wondering if that was a breakup line and I didn't get the hint? He knows I have ASD (and abandonment issues that I'm getting help for now since I kept being insecure with him). I find it hard to believe he would just "abandon" me like this when he obviously can tell I didn't get the hint since I've continued to try and be a supportive girlfriend
I've seen a counsellor and still can't figure it out. I don't know if he broke up with me, or just got overwhelmed/fed up and needed to take space. Do you think he might come back when things get easier for him?
I may have pushed him away but I haven't had any more meltdowns since apologising and promising to change
I have been through this with my ex. We talked a lot on the phone and then he started to ignore me. I used to wonder if there were any hints we broke up and I didn't know it. I remember him telling me, me and my first ex were more compatible and said we weren't compatible and saying to me on the phone we would have been compatible if I wasn't too childish. But yet I remember telling him some random guy started talking to me and then asked me where my boyfriend is and I am sure if we were broken up, he would have told me so on the phone "Uh Beth, we broke up, we are not in a relationship." But because he didn't we must have still been together.
Seriously if a man is ignoring me like this, I would have just moved on. It's not worth the anxiety. I should have done that in my relationship without my mom telling me I was single again and he had moved on. Then that would teach him he shouldn't ignore his girlfriends like that in relationships or he will lose them. It will be a lesson for him to learn.
Oh yeah my ex did come back but only when he saw I had a new boyfriend and then he came back again just to see we were still together and that was the last I ever heard from him for nine years until he fond my blog and this time I ignored her comment and marked it as spam so all her future comments will go to my spam and I wouldn't know about it. I said her because he transitioned into a she.
_________________
Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.
Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.
26 Nov 2017, 10:38 pm
League_Girl wrote:
I have been through this with my ex. We talked a lot on the phone and then he started to ignore me. I used to wonder if there were any hints we broke up and I didn't know it. I remember him telling me, me and my first ex were more compatible and said we weren't compatible and saying to me on the phone we would have been compatible if I wasn't too childish. But yet I remember telling him some random guy started talking to me and then asked me where my boyfriend is and I am sure if we were broken up, he would have told me so on the phone "Uh Beth, we broke up, we are not in a relationship." But because he didn't we must have still been together.
Seriously if a man is ignoring me like this, I would have just moved on. It's not worth the anxiety. I should have done that in my relationship without my mom telling me I was single again and he had moved on. Then that would teach him he shouldn't ignore his girlfriends like that in relationships or he will lose them. It will be a lesson for him to learn.
Oh yeah my ex did come back but only when he saw I had a new boyfriend and then he came back again just to see we were still together and that was the last I ever heard from him for nine years until he fond my blog and this time I ignored her comment and marked it as spam so all her future comments will go to my spam and I wouldn't know about it. I said her because he transitioned into a she.
Seriously if a man is ignoring me like this, I would have just moved on. It's not worth the anxiety. I should have done that in my relationship without my mom telling me I was single again and he had moved on. Then that would teach him he shouldn't ignore his girlfriends like that in relationships or he will lose them. It will be a lesson for him to learn.
Oh yeah my ex did come back but only when he saw I had a new boyfriend and then he came back again just to see we were still together and that was the last I ever heard from him for nine years until he fond my blog and this time I ignored her comment and marked it as spam so all her future comments will go to my spam and I wouldn't know about it. I said her because he transitioned into a she.
In most situations I would agree that being ignored for no reason is a clear sign of disinterest. But I don't know if that's what happened here. He forewarned me he would be stressed and busy, and I pushed relentlessly due to my own insecurity and made life harder for him. I am not a good listener, and I didn't truly 'hear' what he was saying for quite a while about needing space - I just kept being clingy. So in a way, maybe I deserved to be ignored but if it was his way of ending things permanently, then I know I deserved better than that for sure. I think it's more likely avoidance on his part
He and I were extremely compatible. We both have agreed many times that there has never been another person in our lives with whom we've felt the same connection (although for me, I did have a guy when I was a teenager who I was best friends with and also fell in love with, but that was unrequited...). We were compatible in terms of character, core values, future plans, sense of humour, mutual understanding and also past experiences that have shaped us into who we are. I have not had this with another person and I fear I will not find it again for a very long time (it's been a decade since I last felt that way for someone, and I've had many relationships in between)
So I don't know what to think. I don't know how someone could walk away from something that seemed so real, without even saying goodbye and giving a reason. It wasn't an ordinary relationship, it was one of those ones that rarely come along in life and we had a strong bond (like a soulmate, but I wouldn't use that term). I'm trying to tell myself that he must have been lying or I am deluded, but I truly felt that we were right for each other and I was prepared to move to be with him and build a life with him
I am utterly confused
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
27 Nov 2017, 7:39 am
League_Girl wrote:
honeymiel wrote:
I am struggling a lot with a relationship that has been very important to me and would appreciate some outside perspective.
My boyfriend and I (long distance) were together for 9 mths. I know him through mutual friends, have known him a long time and we started out as best friends before deciding that our connection was so strong/unique that neither of us had felt it before and it was worth trying to do the long distance thing. Our relationship was mostly easy and just generally good, and I spent time with him in person (he's only 1 hr plane ride away)
A few months ago he told me he was experiencing a lot of stress/pressure and predicted that between then (September) and the end of the year, he wouldn't have much time/mental space for our relationship. He wasn't sure if we would survive that time since we already were long distance, but we agreed to stay together and I told him I'd be supportive. However, I wasn't - I got insecure and kept messaging him as much as before, would get very upset when he wouldn't respond for a few days and he would only message/call a little. He started getting angry with me over a few things I said/did, but I was too insecure to change it. Note: his reasons for being stressed are very valid but too much to go into here
We then had a phone call 6 weeks ago and I asked him if he wanted to break up and he stayed silent (I think meaning he was unsure). I then asked him why he hasn't broken up with me yet and he said "I thought things would get easier but they've just gotten harder. I have to step back from one of my priorities for now and unfortunately that is intimate relationships". I asked him when we could talk next and he said he didn't know. We hung up and a few days later, after he was continuing to ignore messages I had a bit of a meltdown and sent him what must have been 30 messages and a few missed phone calls - he'd expressed he didn't like this on the phone call. He didn't respond to any of it
I then stopped messaging for a week and sent him an apology, which he read. I have messaged once a week since then, either apologising or telling him I miss him/am proud of him/know he was doing his best. He still hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks
It's only now that I'm looking back and wondering if that was a breakup line and I didn't get the hint? He knows I have ASD (and abandonment issues that I'm getting help for now since I kept being insecure with him). I find it hard to believe he would just "abandon" me like this when he obviously can tell I didn't get the hint since I've continued to try and be a supportive girlfriend
I've seen a counsellor and still can't figure it out. I don't know if he broke up with me, or just got overwhelmed/fed up and needed to take space. Do you think he might come back when things get easier for him?
I may have pushed him away but I haven't had any more meltdowns since apologising and promising to change
My boyfriend and I (long distance) were together for 9 mths. I know him through mutual friends, have known him a long time and we started out as best friends before deciding that our connection was so strong/unique that neither of us had felt it before and it was worth trying to do the long distance thing. Our relationship was mostly easy and just generally good, and I spent time with him in person (he's only 1 hr plane ride away)
A few months ago he told me he was experiencing a lot of stress/pressure and predicted that between then (September) and the end of the year, he wouldn't have much time/mental space for our relationship. He wasn't sure if we would survive that time since we already were long distance, but we agreed to stay together and I told him I'd be supportive. However, I wasn't - I got insecure and kept messaging him as much as before, would get very upset when he wouldn't respond for a few days and he would only message/call a little. He started getting angry with me over a few things I said/did, but I was too insecure to change it. Note: his reasons for being stressed are very valid but too much to go into here
We then had a phone call 6 weeks ago and I asked him if he wanted to break up and he stayed silent (I think meaning he was unsure). I then asked him why he hasn't broken up with me yet and he said "I thought things would get easier but they've just gotten harder. I have to step back from one of my priorities for now and unfortunately that is intimate relationships". I asked him when we could talk next and he said he didn't know. We hung up and a few days later, after he was continuing to ignore messages I had a bit of a meltdown and sent him what must have been 30 messages and a few missed phone calls - he'd expressed he didn't like this on the phone call. He didn't respond to any of it
I then stopped messaging for a week and sent him an apology, which he read. I have messaged once a week since then, either apologising or telling him I miss him/am proud of him/know he was doing his best. He still hasn't spoken to me in 6 weeks
It's only now that I'm looking back and wondering if that was a breakup line and I didn't get the hint? He knows I have ASD (and abandonment issues that I'm getting help for now since I kept being insecure with him). I find it hard to believe he would just "abandon" me like this when he obviously can tell I didn't get the hint since I've continued to try and be a supportive girlfriend
I've seen a counsellor and still can't figure it out. I don't know if he broke up with me, or just got overwhelmed/fed up and needed to take space. Do you think he might come back when things get easier for him?
I may have pushed him away but I haven't had any more meltdowns since apologising and promising to change
I have been through this with my ex. We talked a lot on the phone and then he started to ignore me. I used to wonder if there were any hints we broke up and I didn't know it. I remember him telling me, me and my first ex were more compatible and said we weren't compatible and saying to me on the phone we would have been compatible if I wasn't too childish. But yet I remember telling him some random guy started talking to me and then asked me where my boyfriend is and I am sure if we were broken up, he would have told me so on the phone "Uh Beth, we broke up, we are not in a relationship." But because he didn't we must have still been together.
Seriously if a man is ignoring me like this, I would have just moved on. It's not worth the anxiety. I should have done that in my relationship without my mom telling me I was single again and he had moved on. Then that would teach him he shouldn't ignore his girlfriends like that in relationships or he will lose them. It will be a lesson for him to learn.
Oh yeah my ex did come back but only when he saw I had a new boyfriend and then he came back again just to see we were still together and that was the last I ever heard from him for nine years until he fond my blog and this time I ignored her comment and marked it as spam so all her future comments will go to my spam and I wouldn't know about it. I said her because he transitioned into a she.
Oh wow...crazy story!
Yeah...what I hate more than anything is ghosting. I get it if the situation is dangerous. Fine if you’ve only had 2 or 3 dates. If he or she cusses your mom, disses your friends, makes fun of you or allows others to make fun of you...just disappear. But an ongoing relationship and they just shut down on you... that’s the hardest. How do you move on if you don’t know you’ve been dumped?
There’s a new term out there that fits more what happened to me: submarining. There was this one girl who’d be awesome for a while, and then she’d just drop off the planet. I’d get over her and move on, then she’d just “oops” show up again. We’d get together and a month in we’d be in trouble and I’m stuck wondering what I’m doing wrong.
Nearly 2 decades later she still does this. Random messages on social media after I don’t hear from her for MONTHS, sometimes even years. It’s funny now. NOT fun back when I was more prone to blind obsession.
AngelRho
Veteran
Joined: 4 Jan 2008
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,366
Location: The Landmass between N.O. and Mobile
27 Nov 2017, 11:54 am
honeymiel wrote:
AngelRho wrote:
I appreciate your feelings on this matter. I found breakups difficult when I was younger, and I know I wasn’t ever an easy bf to deal with. My insecurities were mostly that I was never anyone’s type. I’d latch onto whoever I had an infatuation with and go full-on stalker with those who took a chance on me. There was one last unfortunate young lady towards the end of college when I finally decided I was done with that part of my life.
When I finally did start exercising some semblance of sanity, I ended up in an extended relationship that lasted entirely too long. The girl served me with an ultimatum: either put a ring on it and impregnate it, or move on.
Over 10 years and 3 kids later, I’d say I made the right choice. She worries that she forced me into it, but she had every right to threaten me back then. Maybe I wasn’t ready just yet, but what she needed was something more than empty promises from me. And it really, REALLY would have sucked to lose my best friend over something genuinely stupid.
You know your situation better than I do, of course. You’ll figure it out. I just think you’re in the same place my then-gf was. The difference is you’re there after only 9 months or so whereas we’d been together some 6 years. By 1-2 years in a serious relationship, you should either be married or at least making some movement in that direction. What I’m seeing from what little you’ve told us are HUGE red flags.
Think about it a bit. Single father, lots of pressures, can’t make a LDR a priority, AND YET his comings/goings are all over social media? Wait...he has a social life but absolutely no time to respond maybe once a day to messages? He doesn’t have 10 minutes to ask you about your day just before bedtime?
NOT.
GOOD.
You can try pursuing him if you know the situation and think you can really make this work. But I have a strong feeling this is just wasting your precious time.
If you really are as attractive as you say you are (send pics, haha), you’ll have little trouble finding someone. You should spend your time enjoying life and finding something real, not wasting time with a LDR that’s only going to test your patience and end up leaving you disappointed.
When I finally did start exercising some semblance of sanity, I ended up in an extended relationship that lasted entirely too long. The girl served me with an ultimatum: either put a ring on it and impregnate it, or move on.
Over 10 years and 3 kids later, I’d say I made the right choice. She worries that she forced me into it, but she had every right to threaten me back then. Maybe I wasn’t ready just yet, but what she needed was something more than empty promises from me. And it really, REALLY would have sucked to lose my best friend over something genuinely stupid.
You know your situation better than I do, of course. You’ll figure it out. I just think you’re in the same place my then-gf was. The difference is you’re there after only 9 months or so whereas we’d been together some 6 years. By 1-2 years in a serious relationship, you should either be married or at least making some movement in that direction. What I’m seeing from what little you’ve told us are HUGE red flags.
Think about it a bit. Single father, lots of pressures, can’t make a LDR a priority, AND YET his comings/goings are all over social media? Wait...he has a social life but absolutely no time to respond maybe once a day to messages? He doesn’t have 10 minutes to ask you about your day just before bedtime?
NOT.
GOOD.
You can try pursuing him if you know the situation and think you can really make this work. But I have a strong feeling this is just wasting your precious time.
If you really are as attractive as you say you are (send pics, haha), you’ll have little trouble finding someone. You should spend your time enjoying life and finding something real, not wasting time with a LDR that’s only going to test your patience and end up leaving you disappointed.
After he told me in September that he was going to have difficulty finding time for the relationship and we agreed to stay together, I went and visited him where he lives. Visit was perfect. Then once I got home he started doing the messaging a few times a day to check up on me, but was obviously less engaged than before. I had literally forgotten what he’d told me about the next few months because I was so in love after our visit, and I kept demanding more. I gave him an ultimatum about introducing me to his family so that they’d be happy to watch his daughter so he could visit me more often. I was really pushy with it, messaging a dozen times a day and many long messages. He told me he was stressed and I was asking too much right now, but I kept pushing because I felt he was backing off on our relationship and I hadn’t accepted his reasons
Then he called me and raised his voice at me for doing that to him, and I apologised and backed down. We didn’t speak for a few days and he started only messaging me every few days. I gave him a little space then got more clingy again because I was feeling insecure with the lack of attention. After a couple weeks of this, that phone call happened where he said I hadn't taken him seriously and he needed to focus on the other priorities (work, family, health), that he cared for me but not enough that he can deprioritise those other things (which he felt I was trying to get him to do)
I think he could have found time to message me more, but he was overwhelmed with how I’d been behaving on top of the other things that he had started having to deal with (full time job and family pressure, frequent illness for him or his daughter). He did try. And then he seems to have given up because I wasn’t able to adjust to the changes, despite promising him I would. This is why I apologised to him and have tried to change since that last phone call, as well as sought counselling
It is a bit unfair that he’s socialising with our mutual friends and ignoring me, but he needs that to get out of the house because his family make him depressed. They ramped up the pressure on him this year since he was doing nothing other than being a dad and being my boyfriend
I did mess things up, and I know he tried. Does that still seem like huge red flags? Because I feel almost entirely responsible for this happening and I’m working hard to get better now
I’m not going to pursue him any further, and I know I can find someone else. I just don’t want anyone else. I’d rather be single until I find what I had with him, which is really hard to find
My gut feeling is that he truly did want to make things work, and now he’s stepped back for perspective and to focus his energy on his family and the work he’s doing (plus a number of other responsibilities). It is a bit cruel how he just stopped talking to me, but maybe he didn’t know how else to back out without closing the door completely and breaking my heart. I don’t know
I am telling myself it’s a breakup and he doesn’t care, hoping that it’ll make things easier. But truth is deep down I am waiting for him and hoping that he will come back, and I don't know how to do otherwise
I really feel this was my fault and that he did the best he could given the circumstances
To be perfectly honest, I believe you know what all you did wrong. You keep bringing up the obsessive messaging and so forth, things you did that you know set him off. I don’t think you need any of us to tell you what is or isn’t you fault.
If I were you, I’d consider it lesson learned. Don’t do that anymore.
Now that we’ve cleared that air and gotten THAT out of the way, the blame game, let’s focus on the positives and how to move forward.
Blaming yourself, EVEN IF it’s justified, isn’t going to help you at this point. Whether it’s your fault or his fault, it’s not going to get you two back together. The best thing you can do for yourself is recognize the signs that the relationship is over. OR, if you aren’t ready to admit that to yourself just yet, AT LEAST be honest with yourself enough to see that the situation is toxic. For now, it doesn’t matter what is or isn’t your fault. You might have done everything perfectly and gotten the same results, being ignored.
Like I said before, his social life is all over social media and he can’t send out two short messages a day? He doesn’t have just 10 minutes every other day to talk on the phone? I have three kids, am under a ton of pressure between two part-time jobs, and I STILL have 3 hours every day with my SO. What’s got him so tied up he can’t work in an average 10 minutes every day for SOMETHING that involves you in a LDR?
That’s what you need to think about right now. Not who is at fault, but rather the biggest signs that this isn’t going to work.
Most of us have been there at some point. Every time you fall in love, it’s not the same as last time. I find myself emotionally falling for others all the time, and that’s just the way I’ve always been. Fidelity isn’t really in my nature. But it always seems like the next one is always the love of my life. I really didn’t give up on relationships until I started my master’s degree. I began to see all relationships as temporary, the “love of my life” being more of an illusion brought on by highly charged emotions. The longer I’d wanted someone, the more idealized I saw them, and the more jealous I became. And I think finally “growing up” by 23 years old, getting married AND staying faithful ever since has been more about ending drama, accepting each other as we are, working together, and always making the other person a priority.
Finding that person is less about the dizzying emotional side of love and more about being (unemotionally) honest. It’s easy to fall for someone because “she’s so smart” or “he’s just such a beautiful person.” It’s hard to let go of someone who “gets you” or “rocks your world.” You’ll get something closer to permanent by asking yourself “are we REALLY good together?” Do you fight or argue EVER? If so, what is the nature of you disagreements? Agreement for the sake of agreement and keeping peace in a relationship is NEVER a good thing, but neither is emotional turmoil. Obsessing over someone and endless messaging/phone calls is not good. But neither is ignoring your partner. It works both ways. Between your obsessiveness and his ignoring you/lacking of testicular fortitude to actually break up with you, no amount of feeeeeeeeeelings can save you two. I’m not telling to never have feelings for someone. I’m not saying relationships are loveless in that way. There’s plenty of affection to be shared. Just don’t let emotional intensity make you blind to the realities of relational dynamics. No matter how high you get from someone, it’s not an indication of how good things REALLY are.
Will you find someone else? YES, most likely. Will he be like the other? No. But you don’t really want him to be. Because...well, look where you are now. I doubt this is what you want in your next relationship. If things go well for you in the next relationship, it’ll blow everything you knew away. You won’t even remember his name.
Keep us posted on how things go from here. Take a few weeks off from dating or meeting guys. Give yourself time to heal, to let those voices of obsession inside your head slowly quiet down. They’ll shut up—they eventually always do. But it takes a long time and they are loud right at first. I’m up for a good success story on here, so please keep us updated on how you’re doing!
Best wishes!
28 Nov 2017, 5:43 am
AngelRho wrote:
To be perfectly honest, I believe you know what all you did wrong. You keep bringing up the obsessive messaging and so forth, things you did that you know set him off. I don’t think you need any of us to tell you what is or isn’t you fault.
If I were you, I’d consider it lesson learned. Don’t do that anymore.
Now that we’ve cleared that air and gotten THAT out of the way, the blame game, let’s focus on the positives and how to move forward.
Blaming yourself, EVEN IF it’s justified, isn’t going to help you at this point. Whether it’s your fault or his fault, it’s not going to get you two back together. The best thing you can do for yourself is recognize the signs that the relationship is over. OR, if you aren’t ready to admit that to yourself just yet, AT LEAST be honest with yourself enough to see that the situation is toxic. For now, it doesn’t matter what is or isn’t your fault. You might have done everything perfectly and gotten the same results, being ignored.
Like I said before, his social life is all over social media and he can’t send out two short messages a day? He doesn’t have just 10 minutes every other day to talk on the phone? I have three kids, am under a ton of pressure between two part-time jobs, and I STILL have 3 hours every day with my SO. What’s got him so tied up he can’t work in an average 10 minutes every day for SOMETHING that involves you in a LDR?
That’s what you need to think about right now. Not who is at fault, but rather the biggest signs that this isn’t going to work.
Most of us have been there at some point. Every time you fall in love, it’s not the same as last time. I find myself emotionally falling for others all the time, and that’s just the way I’ve always been. Fidelity isn’t really in my nature. But it always seems like the next one is always the love of my life. I really didn’t give up on relationships until I started my master’s degree. I began to see all relationships as temporary, the “love of my life” being more of an illusion brought on by highly charged emotions. The longer I’d wanted someone, the more idealized I saw them, and the more jealous I became. And I think finally “growing up” by 23 years old, getting married AND staying faithful ever since has been more about ending drama, accepting each other as we are, working together, and always making the other person a priority.
Finding that person is less about the dizzying emotional side of love and more about being (unemotionally) honest. It’s easy to fall for someone because “she’s so smart” or “he’s just such a beautiful person.” It’s hard to let go of someone who “gets you” or “rocks your world.” You’ll get something closer to permanent by asking yourself “are we REALLY good together?” Do you fight or argue EVER? If so, what is the nature of you disagreements? Agreement for the sake of agreement and keeping peace in a relationship is NEVER a good thing, but neither is emotional turmoil. Obsessing over someone and endless messaging/phone calls is not good. But neither is ignoring your partner. It works both ways. Between your obsessiveness and his ignoring you/lacking of testicular fortitude to actually break up with you, no amount of feeeeeeeeeelings can save you two. I’m not telling to never have feelings for someone. I’m not saying relationships are loveless in that way. There’s plenty of affection to be shared. Just don’t let emotional intensity make you blind to the realities of relational dynamics. No matter how high you get from someone, it’s not an indication of how good things REALLY are.
Will you find someone else? YES, most likely. Will he be like the other? No. But you don’t really want him to be. Because...well, look where you are now. I doubt this is what you want in your next relationship. If things go well for you in the next relationship, it’ll blow everything you knew away. You won’t even remember his name.
Keep us posted on how things go from here. Take a few weeks off from dating or meeting guys. Give yourself time to heal, to let those voices of obsession inside your head slowly quiet down. They’ll shut up—they eventually always do. But it takes a long time and they are loud right at first. I’m up for a good success story on here, so please keep us updated on how you’re doing!
Best wishes!
If I were you, I’d consider it lesson learned. Don’t do that anymore.
Now that we’ve cleared that air and gotten THAT out of the way, the blame game, let’s focus on the positives and how to move forward.
Blaming yourself, EVEN IF it’s justified, isn’t going to help you at this point. Whether it’s your fault or his fault, it’s not going to get you two back together. The best thing you can do for yourself is recognize the signs that the relationship is over. OR, if you aren’t ready to admit that to yourself just yet, AT LEAST be honest with yourself enough to see that the situation is toxic. For now, it doesn’t matter what is or isn’t your fault. You might have done everything perfectly and gotten the same results, being ignored.
Like I said before, his social life is all over social media and he can’t send out two short messages a day? He doesn’t have just 10 minutes every other day to talk on the phone? I have three kids, am under a ton of pressure between two part-time jobs, and I STILL have 3 hours every day with my SO. What’s got him so tied up he can’t work in an average 10 minutes every day for SOMETHING that involves you in a LDR?
That’s what you need to think about right now. Not who is at fault, but rather the biggest signs that this isn’t going to work.
Most of us have been there at some point. Every time you fall in love, it’s not the same as last time. I find myself emotionally falling for others all the time, and that’s just the way I’ve always been. Fidelity isn’t really in my nature. But it always seems like the next one is always the love of my life. I really didn’t give up on relationships until I started my master’s degree. I began to see all relationships as temporary, the “love of my life” being more of an illusion brought on by highly charged emotions. The longer I’d wanted someone, the more idealized I saw them, and the more jealous I became. And I think finally “growing up” by 23 years old, getting married AND staying faithful ever since has been more about ending drama, accepting each other as we are, working together, and always making the other person a priority.
Finding that person is less about the dizzying emotional side of love and more about being (unemotionally) honest. It’s easy to fall for someone because “she’s so smart” or “he’s just such a beautiful person.” It’s hard to let go of someone who “gets you” or “rocks your world.” You’ll get something closer to permanent by asking yourself “are we REALLY good together?” Do you fight or argue EVER? If so, what is the nature of you disagreements? Agreement for the sake of agreement and keeping peace in a relationship is NEVER a good thing, but neither is emotional turmoil. Obsessing over someone and endless messaging/phone calls is not good. But neither is ignoring your partner. It works both ways. Between your obsessiveness and his ignoring you/lacking of testicular fortitude to actually break up with you, no amount of feeeeeeeeeelings can save you two. I’m not telling to never have feelings for someone. I’m not saying relationships are loveless in that way. There’s plenty of affection to be shared. Just don’t let emotional intensity make you blind to the realities of relational dynamics. No matter how high you get from someone, it’s not an indication of how good things REALLY are.
Will you find someone else? YES, most likely. Will he be like the other? No. But you don’t really want him to be. Because...well, look where you are now. I doubt this is what you want in your next relationship. If things go well for you in the next relationship, it’ll blow everything you knew away. You won’t even remember his name.
Keep us posted on how things go from here. Take a few weeks off from dating or meeting guys. Give yourself time to heal, to let those voices of obsession inside your head slowly quiet down. They’ll shut up—they eventually always do. But it takes a long time and they are loud right at first. I’m up for a good success story on here, so please keep us updated on how you’re doing!
Best wishes!
Thanks for all your posts. This thread has really helped me put things in perspective. I have decided to move on, although I feel incredibly guilty about it because loyalty is so important to me.
Yeah, I did mess up a bit with him but he didn't directly communicate what I was doing wrong, it was more in retrospect that I realised he'd been upset about the constant messaging because he'd hinted at it and said that I was pushing him. When we were together, we would often both send a dozen messages rather than one long message, just constant chatter. But towards the end it started to irk him because he was trying to focus on other things and I hadn't realised that he needed me to change (he just didn't tell me at all)
Plus also after he raised his voice at me my messages weren't the fun conversations they used to be, they were anxious messages. So I can see now that it probably made him anxious too. I was sad and just begging him to talk to me and reassure me that we were okay. I'm blaming myself a lot but I know that this dynamic between us has been a problem even back when we were just friends (he pulls away to deal with other things, I get anxious). I did point this out to him in my first apology, since I know it's something that would have to change
We did have a few minor arguments, mostly him being insecure, and mostly miscommunications which we dealt with really well as far as I am concerned. Things were very good when we were together, I was always happy with him
I also feel that I know him very intimately, and some of the things said in this thread are true (he is a little bit emotionally immature). I don't think he realises the impact that his current actions are having on me since other than begging him to talk to me before that last phone call, I've refused to show pain
In any case, I don't think he was ready for our relationship. He is unemployed and had no income for most of the year and barely has any now, full custody and living at home with his unstable family surrounded by physical/mental illness and fighting. I think he tried to tell me a number of times in our relationship that he was depressed, but I didn't listen because I couldn't see it from where I stood. I think this was a big mistake on my part as I probably would have conducted myself differently had I acknowledged what he was saying, and I really regret that I didn't - I was just too happy with him to acknowledge what was going on
Can you really fault a person for not being in the right place in their life? What I'm saying is right person but wrong time. I've known him long enough to feel that the connection we had was genuine. It wasn't that dizzying feeling most of the time. It was honest, real, open, stable. He was my best friend (before and during the relationship)
Anyway. I will move on and see how I feel if he decides to come back - as I said, this has happened before and despite the fact that he's ignoring me, it would be out of character for him not to come back, as well as pretty tragic and unjustified. He hasn't deleted me off social media and has read my messages. I just feel completely and utterly guilty for moving on
And dear god, I really hope he's doing okay
