Page 1 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

fluffysaurus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,723
Location: England

01 Jan 2018, 5:14 am

Hello It's my birthday and I'm getting on. On my present path (which assumes my parents will die before me) nobody's going to be at my funeral. BUT, I have a cunning plan :D

The usual ways of getting friends and partners either don't work for me (is that me or the Aspie) or I end up with friends who want to do stuff I hate who end up resenting me for not being like them.
The ways to meet partners are even worse; nightclubs :( or the internet dating :cry: Both involve making quick decisions about people which I can't do. I find no men attractive if I don't know them and I can read nothing in their faces. I need time. So...

I am going to experiment with ways of making friends male and female until I have enough of them to be able to find a potential mate from among them. I want the friends too but I would really like to have both.

Unrealistic? I see this as a long term plan (years) and have nothing to loose.

But it's no good just looking to meet people, I need to find people I am going to want to be around and who will want to be around me when I am being myself and not putting on an act of normality. If I do the normal things, I'll end up with people who are normal and I know that doesn't work for me so I'm looking for things that are Aspie/me friendly, so please make some suggestions or have a go yourself and tell me how it went.

I'm starting really slow, I'm rejoining a small reading group that I left two years ago, they meet tomorrow, they are all much older than me, and very kind. It's very much a baby step but I plan to join the local writing group which is bigger but writers are ALL weird and quite a few aren't social and we'll have a common interest.

So I've posted this mainly so I don't chicken out (feel free to prod me along) also for some Aspie/me friendly ideas. :D



honeymiel
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

Joined: 3 Jan 2017
Age: 32
Gender: Female
Posts: 158

01 Jan 2018, 7:34 am

I struggle with this a bit too, but the general advice for NTs who want to make friends really does apply to Aspies as well. We just have more difficulty employing the strategies, and thus have to push ourselves a bit more and jump further out of our comfort zones

So, find groups/meet ups with common interests. Chat to people in online dating and screen them first - but strategically. Let them know you like to get to know a person before meeting/progressing to a relationship, and that you move slowly - if they don't like that, next! The thing with online dating is you don't have to meet people, you can just chat and get a feel for what you're looking for so if you do decide to meet someone, you can put a bit more trust in your decision (just maybe don't tell them that you're only looking to chat indefinitely - let them think that you're still deciding - because you kind of are)

But importantly in terms of making lasting friendships - initiate plans, and say yes to everything. I have found this REALLY hard to do, because of social anxiety (from repeated social failures). So if I can't say yes to an event/party I am invited to (invites are rare anyway) because my social anxiety is bad enough that I can't bear the thought (usually bigger gatherings) then I will message that person, apologise and try and connect with them through conversation anyway (how have you been etc). I think in that way it doesn't remove the possibility of future invites? Or you might find they are open to coming to things you invite them to?

Also one last part of my ramble - I know several men who have ASD traits like mine, and one of the biggest things I've noticed in the ones who are socially reclusive is a lack of flexibility. This relates back to my comment on "say yes to everything". But a lack of flexibility and being unwilling to meet people halfway on their interests or needs is going to cost you most of your social relationships in the long run. I've found that the guys I know who are Aspie tend to be really adamant when they don't want to do something, and it's not so much that they've expressed they don't want to that gets frustrating - it's the unwillingness to budge and look at things from another perspective. I imagine this is hard for NTs to relate to and it feels like the person who is being inflexible is being a bit selfish or manipulative trying to get their way. Obviously that's not the case, but it can appear that way unless you recognise that the person is has a condition which makes them a bit more rigid and set in their ways

It's important to seek out and embrace new experiences. It is scary and you may get held back by your anxieties about things - but if you can make a couple of friends to try new things with, and they can act as a support person, you will probably enjoy most things that you venture to try.

GL



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,872
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Jan 2018, 8:58 am

I am ready to experiment on myself too....

Image



Aristophanes
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Apr 2014
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,603
Location: USA

01 Jan 2018, 9:05 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I am ready to experiment on myself too....

Image


It's only 'experimenting' if you haven't done it before...

Also, that pic needs a caption: "Did I just step into a colonoscopy or are you just happy to see me?"



Aristophanes
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Apr 2014
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,603
Location: USA

01 Jan 2018, 9:11 am

One thing I'd add Fluffy: don't discount 'older' people in your book group. First you'll find for friendship older people tend to be much more laid back and relaxed in their communication, much less 'competitive' about meaningless things, and just much easier to approach. Not to mention they offer a lifetime of experience for you to learn from. Also, for dating, don't discount them, because while they aren't what you're looking for that's not to say they don't have a niece/nephew/daughter/son (whatever your fancy) that could be what you're looking for. Since I was a child I've gotten along better with older people than with my peers so I may be a bit biased here, but humans are very much like wine: better with age.



fluffysaurus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,723
Location: England

01 Jan 2018, 11:36 am

Aristophanes wrote:
One thing I'd add Fluffy: don't discount 'older' people in your book group. First you'll find for friendship older people tend to be much more laid back and relaxed in their communication, much less 'competitive' about meaningless things, and just much easier to approach. Not to mention they offer a lifetime of experience for you to learn from. Also, for dating, don't discount them, because while they aren't what you're looking for that's not to say they don't have a niece/nephew/daughter/son (whatever your fancy) that could be what you're looking for. Since I was a child I've gotten along better with older people than with my peers so I may be a bit biased here, but humans are very much like wine: better with age.


Thanks but I said they were old (they are) to show I wasn't doing anything that daring (for me) I absolutely agree older people make good friends, are less competitive and less judgmental. I get on usually with the young as long as I'm not responsible for them as well. It's my own sex and age group I have 90% of my problems with.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

01 Jan 2018, 11:57 am

Happy Birthday, Fluffysaurus. Mine's tomorrow, by the way.

We can definitely be friends. We both have a love for history.

I'm 57 tomorrow.



Trueno
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2017
Age: 68
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,788
Location: UK

01 Jan 2018, 12:00 pm

Happy birthdays fluffy and kraftie!


_________________
Steve J

Unkind tongue, right ill hast thou me rendered
For such desert to do me wreak and shame


kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

01 Jan 2018, 12:02 pm

Thanks, Steve.



fluffysaurus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,723
Location: England

01 Jan 2018, 12:29 pm

honeymiel

When I was younger, I did have a very set idea of a future partner. I don't mean so much that I was fussy (I was a bit) more that I was ridged in my views on what sort of man was right for me. I have noticed that attitude in others (younger) on this site but I have certainly changed that with age.

'Chat to people online, screen them' To be blunt, I won't know without a couple of months of real life contact if I'm going to want to sleep with a man. That's why I think it would be good to have male friends that might lead to dating otherwise I feel I'm leading someone on.

'Say yes to everything' NO! if you say yes to doing things you don't like then any friends you make think you do like those things and you are stuck having to do them until either you have a breakdown or, if you're lucky, you don't fake it enough and they dump you.

I don't really have social anxiety, it's more social exhaustion. People (nice people) do not understand it, they just put up with it, patiently putting up with it thinking it'll change until eventually they explode suffocating me in their feelings of resentment and anger. I do not intend repeating this cycle again. That's why I'm being very picky about joining groups.

Compromise is when you do what other people want to do with them and then you do what you want to do on your own because what you want to is apparently 'really boring'.



fluffysaurus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,723
Location: England

01 Jan 2018, 12:42 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
Happy Birthday, Fluffysaurus. Mine's tomorrow, by the way.

We can definitely be friends. We both have a love for history.

I'm 57 tomorrow.


:D Yeh! :D It's a weird time to have a birthday isn't it? I go very low key, I went to a large shop with several departments (it was very quiet) with my dad and we had lunch, that's about my pace, what will you do?



whatamievendoing
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Aug 2016
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,336
Location: Finland

01 Jan 2018, 12:47 pm

Well, long-time friends starting romantic relationships isn't exactly uncommon. Although I'm not sure I'd necessarily be able to do it myself.

Either way, I wish you luck with your experiment.


_________________
“They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.”
― Kurt Cobain


fluffysaurus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,723
Location: England

kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

01 Jan 2018, 12:52 pm

I don't like the shopping aspect.....but the lunch aspect is definitely "my speed."



Trojanofpeace
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 30 Dec 2017
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 65
Location: Honalee

01 Jan 2018, 1:06 pm

honeymiel wrote:
I struggle with this a bit too, but the general advice for NTs who want to make friends really does apply to Aspies as well. We just have more difficulty employing the strategies, and thus have to push ourselves a bit more and jump further out of our comfort zones

So, find groups/meet ups with common interests. Chat to people in online dating and screen them first - but strategically. Let them know you like to get to know a person before meeting/progressing to a relationship, and that you move slowly - if they don't like that, next! The thing with online dating is you don't have to meet people, you can just chat and get a feel for what you're looking for so if you do decide to meet someone, you can put a bit more trust in your decision (just maybe don't tell them that you're only looking to chat indefinitely - let them think that you're still deciding - because you kind of are)

But importantly in terms of making lasting friendships - initiate plans, and say yes to everything. I have found this REALLY hard to do, because of social anxiety (from repeated social failures). So if I can't say yes to an event/party I am invited to (invites are rare anyway) because my social anxiety is bad enough that I can't bear the thought (usually bigger gatherings) then I will message that person, apologise and try and connect with them through conversation anyway (how have you been etc). I think in that way it doesn't remove the possibility of future invites? Or you might find they are open to coming to things you invite them to?

Also one last part of my ramble - I know several men who have ASD traits like mine, and one of the biggest things I've noticed in the ones who are socially reclusive is a lack of flexibility. This relates back to my comment on "say yes to everything". But a lack of flexibility and being unwilling to meet people halfway on their interests or needs is going to cost you most of your social relationships in the long run. I've found that the guys I know who are Aspie tend to be really adamant when they don't want to do something, and it's not so much that they've expressed they don't want to that gets frustrating - it's the unwillingness to budge and look at things from another perspective. I imagine this is hard for NTs to relate to and it feels like the person who is being inflexible is being a bit selfish or manipulative trying to get their way. Obviously that's not the case, but it can appear that way unless you recognise that the person is has a condition which makes them a bit more rigid and set in their ways

It's important to seek out and embrace new experiences. It is scary and you may get held back by your anxieties about things - but if you can make a couple of friends to try new things with, and they can act as a support person, you will probably enjoy most things that you venture to try.

GL


This is a brilliant and insightful piece of advice. Relationships are all about interdependence and give and take. Constant collaboration and compromise. Any successful relationship will involve doing things that are more important to the other person than you (and hopefully vice-versa). A difficult reality for some, but it is what it is.



fluffysaurus
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,723
Location: England

01 Jan 2018, 2:07 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
I don't like the shopping aspect.....but the lunch aspect is definitely "my speed."


I have gotten much better at shopping since I stopped trying anything on or expected to find anything that I liked, particularly cloths. Now I people watch and look at things and browse the books (ok, I bought 3 books and a piggy calendar :D ) I still don't like shopping when I have to find something specific.

I had cottage pie followed by fruit cake :D it was very good.