Need of being loved

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A part of me does and already have for most part -- one that will never make me feel lonely in this existence.
A part of me that is beyond human, maybe beyond individual, a part of me that everyone also have yet rarely realized it's existence.

A part of me will always unconsciously look for unconditional love in some way or form and never ever felt it, yet just settles with the conditional types of love -- it's just hormones, nerves, just a sensation that supports conditioning that signals reward.
A part of me that is just plain human; the body, the mind, the ego... One that deems love as a social need. Thankfully it's appreciative and also not a very needy nor a deprived part of me.

A part of me denies it and throws it away -- whether the need, the want or lack of thereof.
It's a part of me who doesn't like being human, a part of me who wanted to function without the concept of love, one that wants to see love as a tool or a chip to bargain. I've yet to understand where this part of me ever came from or that why it exists.



My final answer would be this:
A part of my psyche as a human needs it but I don't want or look for it.
I won't deny that I had at some point tried to avoid or throw it away, and also tried to look for it or keep it. Largely because I don't know what to do with it.

I received quite an abundance of varying types of it both true and false, appreciated some, rejected some -- even from the same individuals, with the same regard, same motives of either/both parties and with the same personal state.
Yet I mostly have no idea what to do with it and I gave back less than I ever received because of it. Except, it doesn't make my reactions any less inconsistent.

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Rather yes. I don't need love but at the same time when my grandson says "I love you" it means the world to me in that moment. It takes a long time for someone to imprint onto me, so there is no longing for anyone. I do remember how good it felt when I was married and would like that feeling back. Practical love, being comfortable with someone, knowing they will help you when you need it. It is nice to be genuinely smiled at.

I just joined wrong planet and thought this would be a good thread to join in on. All of my life I have wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am. I wrote many songs with titles like "I Need Someone to Love", "The Kind of Love I need", and "Searching For The Perfect Lover". Many times I put this desire above my desire to make it in the music business and I gave up opportunities I might have had in pursuit of love. I couldn't understand why all my friends were getting married and I had never even been engaged. As I look back, I think it was because of my autism (which I didn't even know I had). I think it's also part of why my first marriage ended. I know it's part of why my current marriage is not going to work out. My NT wife can no longer handle my autistic traits. I used to like to quote song lyrics and movie scripts in conversations, but I stopped doing that before I knew it was an autistic trait because it annoyed her. But there are a lot of other autistic traits that I could not change.

That's one reason why I finally decided to join wrong planet, because I feel the need to be accepted for who I am. I would love to be able to quote song lyrics in conversations again. So, "here I go again on my own" (Whitesnake).
And here's some lyrics I wrote recently:

My heart dies a little bit more
Every day that I must endure
Needing stay here with you
Yet not really being together
But what else can I do?
Than to let the time pass
Knowing things will not get better
Until a clear solution has
Opened up a way to be free
Of the power you have over me
I thought we could make it through
All the difficulties we faced
And resolve all the differences
That stood in the way of true love

I would prefer to be asexual and aromantic than have obvious and disgusting paraphilias since childhood and "hunger" of attractive female body.

Do I have need of being understood? Maybe not so large (if yes). I might have never felt lack or want for emotional love. My mentality thinks that it is autistic, but generally good and useful in many situations, although not as good as being asexual and aromantic.

Despite lack(?) of some emotional needs and sensitivities I do not function well in life. I would say that I am terrible in working and that I am definitely a hothead but totally not a professional. I might say that I can not deal with something which is difficult, hard (like physical suffering).