Do any of you feel because you have autiusm you are selfish

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hurtloam
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16 Jan 2018, 4:56 pm

Sometimes when I think about the things people want others to say to them I think it's kind of pointless. like I know someone who kept texting me and asking "how are you?" when I was ill. I actually got fed up of it and wished she'd leave me alone. Then I wondered if that's actually what friends want and I'm not doing that. I don't feel the need to be updated on the status of their head cold every-other-day. I figure they will be better in a couple of weeks, not much I can do for them. They need to rest and drink plenty of fluids.

I am too pragmatic.

I sometimes make an effort and it goes wrong. I know a nice couple. I'm friends with both of them on facebook. A significant bad news thing happened in their neighbourhood and I thought I'd better express some sympathy because I like them. I think I wrote, "oh no, that's awful." Then I got notifications that other people were writing comments. All the comments were, "I hope you and the kids are ok." I expressed no sentiment about their welfare. I didn't even think about it. Well I did, I figured they were ok otherwise they would have said they weren't ok rather than posting a matter-of-fact, "this happened near me" thing. I deleted my comment. I can't get it right even when I try.

Sometimes I think I'll just keep to myself and not bother, but is that selfish? I don't know. I doubt anyone misses me.



DancingQueen
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16 Jan 2018, 6:07 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I sometimes make an effort and it goes wrong. I know a nice couple. I'm friends with both of them on facebook. A significant bad news thing happened in their neighbourhood and I thought I'd better express some sympathy because I like them. I think I wrote, "oh no, that's awful." Then I got notifications that other people were writing comments. All the comments were, "I hope you and the kids are ok." I expressed no sentiment about their welfare. I didn't even think about it. Well I did, I figured they were ok otherwise they would have said they weren't ok rather than posting a matter-of-fact, "this happened near me" thing. I deleted my comment. I can't get it right even when I try.
I don't think anyone would think you selfish or rude or anything for writing that. "Oh no, that's awful" and "hope you're ok" are both expressions of sympathy, they're largely interchangeable as if you are feeling sad for someone, obviously you want them to be ok, that's a given. I wouldn't worry about it.


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16 Jan 2018, 6:34 pm

Yes, I am a bit, but society on a whole does f**k all for us Autistics other than bullying us for being different if we don't "pass" well enough. So I feel no guilt for putting myself first and getting what I can from this cruel society. :ninja:



BitterCoffee
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16 Jan 2018, 8:24 pm

There is being selfish and being a noob (bad) at helping people. As long as you want others to be happy and don’t go out of your way to harm them I think you’re okay.



dragonsanddemons
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16 Jan 2018, 9:43 pm

I feel like people think I'm selfish, because I often don't know how to act on feelings on sympathy, empathy, etc. What they don't see is that I do think about and have concern about others, and feel horrible for not being able to help because I just don't know how. Or if someone needs comforting words, I'll usually have no idea what those words might be, and often say nothing for fear of saying the wrong thing and making matters worse.


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shortfatbalduglyman
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16 Jan 2018, 9:54 pm

Maybe nobody, NT or AS, is completely selfish or selfless.

Maybe it's a spectrum

It is not possible or practical, to be "selfless". per Maslow's hierarchy of needs

And it changes depending on the time

When precious lil "people" get angry, they are more prone to acting like everything is black and white

Then they act like I am completely selfish and they are completely selfless

Not correct

Not possible

:lol:



CarlM
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15 Feb 2020, 12:33 am

Wow, another problem that long plagued me that is probably autism related. I think I was quite selfish as a kid and had plenty of guilt about it but that didn't seem to curb it nearly enough. I eventually got over it in my 30s, along with similar roadblocks keeping me from liking myself. I see it in my aspie daughter too, not as bad though. I realize now I've been trying to help her get over it. Maybe I can be more successful in helping her now that I understand this trait better. Thanks everyone for the insight :D.


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hurtloam
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15 Feb 2020, 5:07 am

I still struggle with this.

I've been really upset about something lately (as you may have guessed from my haven ranting) and I have had some really lovely long text messages from friends and I have been struggling to write good replies. I don't want to seem like I'm leeching off them. I am very matter-of-fact in my manner and I don't want to seem dismissive of their help, but I think I can come across like that at times.

When I'm upset I get really absorbed in it. It's difficult for me to see past the overwhelming feelings I'm having. I think i'm not alone on here for being the type who gets overwhelmed.

So I do worry that my inability to regulate my emotions is selfish. I know that it's just how my brain works. It's a sort of developmental disorder I guess. I cope better than my mother. She's autistic too. She will always have the emotionally capacity of a teenager and I understand that, but others don't.

I think I am more mature, I've had therapy to help me handle emotions, and that has helped. But I feel ashamed at how un-adult-like I can be.

I had to take time off work this week because I crashed out so bad. But sleeping all week has helped me. I checked my work emails yesterday and my colleague has finished the project we were working on. I feel bad that I couldn't help. But my workplace is very understanding of illness as we are all a bit broken. We are a great little team and I'm glad I found them.

Sometimes all we can do is all we can do. And we are extremely lucky when we find people who can understand and work with that.

For those of you who feel like you don't have people in real life who understand you can always PM me if you are feeling overwhelmed and need someone to talk to. I'm not great at being comforting, but I can listen and I can share cute animal photos.



AspiePrincess611
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21 Feb 2020, 12:15 pm

I don't think I'm selfish, but my mom constantly accuses me of being selfish or self-centered, and says that I think everything is "all about me". She compares me to her NT sister who is not a very nice person and it makes me really mad. I've tried to explain that it isn't that I'm selfish, I just get so wrapped up in what's going on in my mind and trying to process all the stimuli, and remember everything I need to do that I forget there is a world around me. Because of that, other's needs don't always register in my brain. But I really, truly do care about my family and other people.


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blooiejagwa
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21 Feb 2020, 12:20 pm

No. I know I go out of my way but that may be due to how one is raised moreso. Maybe naturally I am selfish but I saw generosity n kindness n was trained to value that and how to show it


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ToughDiamond
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21 Feb 2020, 6:04 pm

Yes I do feel like I'm selfish, but I wish I didn't. I also feel like I'm too soft-hearted for my own good. As usual, feelings can contradict each other like that.

If only I wasn't so physically uncomfortable in my own body for so much of the time, I might not be so defensive whenever people want things of me that threaten my comfort even further. But it's all invisible, so I guess I come over as selfish because I don't expect them to believe me if I try to explain, I can't present any hard evidence that I'm not making it up. I've had some contact with people who have ASD, and I've experienced first-hand how awkward their special needs can be on me. I've been sorely tempted to refuse to accommodate them or believe them - I've felt pretty ableist at times, and I guess that's how a lot of people feel about me when my traits get inconvenient for them.

I don't see any way that the human race and I can ever forgive each other for our massively different feelings about ritual, for example. To them, I'm selfish if I don't take part regardless of "a bit of inconvenience." To me, rituals mean nothing and they're abusing me by expecting me to have anything to do with them. But I can't let go from knowing how they feel about my behaviour, so I feel angry with my "selfishness" and angry with their "stupidity" at the same time.

Top of the list is my trouble with listening to people in real time. It's only the brain wiring that makes me do it, but as judged by my behaviour, even with people I'm very close to, it must look as if I don't give a spit about what they're interested in. I'm massively self-centred, which is very different from being selfish, though akin to it in some ways, and it's hard to tell the difference from the outside. They hardly ever give me time to get used to the new ideas they want me to hear, and that's crucial because I can and do take on board what they say eventually, after my brain has first told me it's boring or unintelligible.

I'm supposed to know how they're feeling by instant intuition. Well I don't. They have to tell me, but they don't, they just assume I know but don't care, and I get judged, and they'd be breaking the rules of schmooze if they challenged me about it - they'll talk about me to each other instead. So I feel guilty that I can't do it like they expect, I absorb their judgement that I'm too into my own head, too selfish, and simultaneously I resent them for making such a bad mistake in their appraisal of me.



blooiejagwa
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24 Feb 2020, 7:37 pm

shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
What I want is often different from what "most people" want

For example, a couple of months ago, in the news, an instructor let a student take her dog to class. Numerous responders praised the instructor, the student and the dog. They said the instructor was caring, for helping the dog, when the instructor could have refused. They said the student was industrious for going to school and taking care of the dog. They said the dog was a good dog and it was "obvious" that the dog was "a good girl"

But a dog bit me two years ago. And after that, I have gotten terrified of dogs. Especially off leash ones.

So, if I were to have been in that class and I made the mistake of pointing out, the leash law, it would appear that I was indeed "selfish". If I were not have said anything, then I could have had a panic attack in the corner. All so that a student could bring a dog.

Likewise my precious lil "parents" had the nerve to tell me that I was "selfish" when I did something that they did not like. Buzz cut. It's like, wtf?

One time in high school I was going to take the bus home after tennis practice. She had the nerve to tell me that I was "selfish"

She must have wanted me to do what she wanted me to do

Guilt trip

Manipulation




They made it sound like unless I satisfied all of their astronomical demands, I was "selfish"

That is not how the dictionary defines "selfish"

My precious lil "mom" died two years ago. And I have yet to forgive her

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

If you can't trust your precious lil "parents", who can you trust?


:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:



One Cannot trust any person ....for sure ..

but cannot resign oneself to that entirely either... as a person still must rely on others in different situations ..
hence all the anxiety.


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As long as the soul stays in this body, I am to the Majestic Quran a servant.
And under the shoes of Muhammad the Chosen, dust.
I disavow anyone who, with my words, strays from this way.
-Rumi (he always wrote including his first name, Muhammad)

https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-tu ... ry-of-rumi